As we type this at you, we can only assume that Donald Trump is passed out in Hamburg somewhere in a post-orgasmic pile of his own orange filth, while Vladimir Putin is presumably riding around somewhere shirtless on a steed, proud of the traditional Russian coitus he just made with the American president. That is because the two gentlemen have concluded a marathon TWO HOUR AND SIXTEEN MINUTE lovemaking session diplomatic meeting at the G20, and you know, different people act differently after such explosive geopolitical banging diplomacy.
It was only supposed to last 30 minutes. And Wonkette’s unofficial betting pool figured a slippery Trump would have been wheeled out two MINUTES and sixteen SECONDS into the affair, while poor old Vlad was left to take care of his needs by his lonesome. Trump, we didn’t know you had it in you! (Did you literally have it in you?)
So, about the meeting! Beforehand, a bunch of old spies told the Daily Beast that Putin would obviously get whatever he wants from Trump, because as a former spy himself, he’d know how to manipulate Trump by calling him pretty and cajoling him to get mad at all the fake news haters trying to bring him down. We’re quite sure that’s exactly what happened.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who was there for the meeting (and therefore must feel like he just watched the worst porno EVER) along with his Russian counterpart Sergey Lavrov, gave reporters the play-by-play, from dinner to dancing to fluttering eyelashes to seduction to Netflix to chill to BABY YOU’RE A FIREWORK, COME ON SHOW ME WHAT YOU’RE WORTH, MAKE ME GO “OH-OH-OH!” AS YOU SHOOT ACROSS MY THIGH-THIGH-THIGH, or however that song goes in Russian:
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson … said it did not focus on the United States moving to punish Russia for the allegations that it hacked and leaked information that would help Trump win the election. Instead, Tillerson said the two leaders discussed “how do we move forward from what may be simply an intractable disagreement at this point” regarding the election-hacking issue.
“The president pressed President Putin on more than one occasion regarding Russian involvement,” Tillerson said. “President Putin denied such involvement, as I think he has in the past.” […]
Tillerson would not say whether Trump flatly told Putin that Russia interfered in the election, saying instead: “He pressed him and then felt like at this point, how do we go forward?”
Sergey Lavrov’s account was that Trump reassured Putin he thought reports of meddling were “exaggerated” and that he believes Putin when he says there was no election interference. But “administration official” from America says that is a bunch of horseshit:
OK WHATEVER. This is a bunch of “He said, He said, He said, He said,” when really shouldn’t we get back to Donald and Vladimir shooting butt-rocket pheromones at each other and taking each other furniture shopping? Besides, what’s one election stolen from Hitlery McLockHerUp? Pffffffft, have you even seen Trump’s county-by-county election map? (We do not know if Trump brought a giant wall-sized copy of that map to show Putin, or whether it’s just printed on the condoms he may or may not keep in his tiny orange wallet.)
After that, Tillerson DID NOT REPORT that Trump incessantly asked Putin if he had a pee hooker tape of Trump cavorting with Russian pee hookers, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
The Washington Post reports that around halfway through the meeting, Melania Trump escaped from her hotel to barge in to the meeting like “Donald! Get out from under that man!” But they were like “SHUT UP WE ARE HAVING GUY TIME,” so Melania left. Also, when reporters came in halfway through to ask questions, it was all chocolate and kisses:
The mood was genial as Putin and Trump, sitting side by side, addressed reporters before the meeting.
“It’s an honor to be with you,” Trump said. […]
Putin, referring to the phone conversations the two presidents have had, said that “phone conversations are never enough definitely.”
“I’m delighted to be able to meet you personally,” Putin said. “And I hope that, as you have said, our meetings will yield positive results.”
KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS KISS SEXXXXY FIRST COMES LOVE THEN COMES MARRIAGE THEN VLADIMIR AND DONALD ARE BOTH PREGNANT! And Putin is right about phone sex never being enough, because oh boy, we’ve had a long distance relationship before, and it’s THE PITS.
When the journalists were being kicked out, the two lovers shared a common chuckle:
“Вот эти тебя обижали?”: Путин и Трамп обсудили на встрече журналистов pic.twitter.com/cWZQA8HjSC
— Дмитрий Смирнов (@dimsmirnov175) July 7, 2017
In case you can’t decipher what happened in that exchange:
Haha! Let’s laugh at fake news journalists together! Everybody in the world thinks this is so funny!
Haha! Context!
Haha!
They also talked about Syria and Ukraine and North Korea and terrorism and cybersecurity and whether they were really ready to settle down into a monogamous bilateral relationship and is it OK if Vladimir keeps the thermostat on 68 degrees or will that give Donald the meat sweats too much.
Time magazine talked to body language expert Patti Wood about Trump’s meeting with Putin, and she said Trump looked just really, really happy in Putin’s presence, and that even his handshakes were more loving and supportive than the handshakes he gives other world leaders.
She also said Trump doesn’t spread his legs as much when he’s around Putin, which signals that he feels less alpha in the Russian strongman’s presence, but we’re going to guess Trump spreads his legs PLENTY for Putin, so WHATEVER, EXPERT LADY.
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