(My daughter will be entering kindergarten this fall. Her school hosts a playground “meet and greet” for all incoming kindergarteners, which happens to be the day before her birthday. She is chatting with another little girl.)

Girl: “I’m four. How old are you?”

Daughter: “I’m four and a half. But tomorrow I’ll be five!”

Girl: *with great exuberance* “When I’m five, I get to have GUM!”

(My grade eight teacher is teaching us sex ed.)

Teacher: “…and the theory is that HIV/AIDS originated in chimpanzees.”

Classmate: “…and it’s an STD?”

Teacher: “Yes, you know that!”

Classmate: “So… you’re saying that someone f***** a monkey?”

Teacher: “[Classmate]!”

(It was a logical assumption!)

(I work at a college dining hall with a lot of self-serve areas. One such is the toaster for bread items. The toaster oven is on a rotating grill that flips the bread over when it gets to the end. I go over and see a student put in something that doesn’t look like bread.)

Me: “Excuse me, that doesn’t look like bread you just put in the toaster oven. What is it, please?”

Student: “Oh, no, it isn’t. It’s a hamburger!”

Me: “Really now? Why did you put a hamburger in the toaster oven?”

Student: “It was all wet so I wanted to dry it out! Great idea, right?”

Me: “Well, the burger is covered in grease and what does grease do when it’s introduced to intense heat?”

Student: “The grease melts? Duh!”

Me: “Yes, that does happen, but it also catches FIRE!”

(As I say this it little sparks of flames pop out of the oven.)

Student: “Oh, s***!” *tries to turn it off*

Me: “Yes, turn it off so it stays in a red hot oven and catches fire even more.”

Student: “Well, you should have told me not to do that or posted a sign saying not to do that!”

Me: *as I point to the very big sign saying ‘bread only’* “You mean that sign not a foot away from your face?”

(I work at a college, and we are currently going through the registration process. One of the students comes in to get my signature. This is not a young, inexperienced student; he’s an older man, who’s gotten his associate and bachelor’s degrees from this college.)

Me: “Sir, I need you to fill out all the forms in that folder before I can see you.”

Student: “I don’t know what to fill out; I just don’t know. Ever since Trump won the presidency it has been a total state of confusion in this country.”

Me: “Yeah… I’m still going to need those forms filled out. Everything in your folder needs to be filled out. Thanks.”

(I’m on a voice chat with a few friends, one of who is still in high school. It is near the end of the school year and the one friend is in class with his headphones in, whispering into the mic to us.)

Friend: “So, Mr. [Teacher], what are we going to do today?”

Teacher: “The same thing we do every day, Pinky. We’re going to try to take over the world!”