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I don’t know how to tell you this, but John Roberts — the guy who brought you Citizens United, and let red state governors gleefully sabotage Obamacare by permitting them to opt out of free Medicaid money for their almost-poor citizens — gave a speech to his young son’s middle school commencement, and it was … lovely? Empathetic? Kinda fuckin’ deep y’all? (The speech was almost a month ago, in early June, but Washington Post noted it yesterday, and it’s been getting deserved love.)

He began with how important it was that the expensive private school was international, and spoke at some little length in Spanish and Chinese to the boys from countries who obviously were sending their “best.” He advised the young men to seek out people without their social privilege. And instead of going the “I Will Always Love You” route (Dolly, not Whitney, as if you needed me to tell you that) and wishing you joy, and happiness, he wished his young listeners loneliness, unfairness, betrayal, and that instead of being embittered and hardened by the experiences, they would take the correct lessons of the importance of friendship, justice, and loyalty.

Roberts has always had the reputation of having an eye on his legacy, so he can’t do anything too outre. He usually walks a fine line: Can’t outright strike down Obamacare, but can let red state governors do it on the sly. Can’t vote for gay marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges, but once it’s settled law, can’t undermine it for your baby’s birth certificate in Arkansas either. Voting rights? He … well, never mind. There’s a much higher bar for “too” outre today than yesterday.

Nonetheless, it’s heartening to see a partisan Republican even mouth words of empathy without immediately following it up with a death panel for Granny. And he at least seems a lot more sincere about it than this guy.

Not that that would have been hard.

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  • Cranky Man

    With the conservative movement it’s important to note what they do. They’ll say anything to get in power, but then it’s I’ve got mine, fuck you.

  • Joe Beese
    • msanthropesmr

      “And this is a ferret!”

    • jesterpunk

      I have had enough of this bullshit.

      http://i.imgur.com/AHdxl7q.gif

    • msanthropesmr

      “I have the best people on this hair”

      • Bananas Foster

        “I have the best people IN this hair.”

        That’s where he’s keeping them prisoner.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        When he went to the Wailing Wall, it took four aides eight minutes to attach his yamulka to that thing on his head.

    • Bananas Foster

      Head, shoulders, knees and toes…

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Nothing up here… nothing up here… and nothing UP HERE!
      <audience chuckles>

    • Suttree

      “I have a good brian.”

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        “I fell of my chair, Brian!”

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      “My brain hurts!

      https://youtu.be/M68GeL8PafE

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      “My brain is squirting out my head just like on my PlayDoh fun factory!”

    • leemoder

      “See this? There’s supposed to be a brain in here.”

  • Bananas Foster

    Hmmm. If he keeps this up, he may lose his status as my official conservative hate fuck.

    He could still be my secret embarrassing boyfriend.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    If a broken clock can be right twice a day, maybe a morally and Constitutionally broken Chief Justice can be right once in awhile.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/oh-shi.gif

  • SadDemInTex
  • paxpax

    Definitely Dolly

    • mailman27

      Dolly owns it.

    • grindstone

      Dolly is my patron saint.

  • memzilla Ω

    Have any of the talking heads in the media made the observation that the Citizens United decision made it vastly easier for untraceable Russian-flavored dark money to influence our elections, and should therefore be reversed on national security grounds? Yeah, I thought so.

    • bbayliss

      Have any noted Robert’s past reaction to just such an
      eventuality?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Now we just have to wait to find out where these inspiring words were plagiarized from.

  • Crystalclear12

    He is still going to hell

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    ‘… he wished his young listeners loneliness, unfairness, betrayal…’
    He figured they were all going to vote Republican, eh?

    • Shanzgood 4 Days

      Sounds more like what happens lately to Dem voters.

  • weejee

    I don’t think Roberts keeps an inflatable Ayn Rand doll, like that other fellow pictured above.

  • BadKitty904
    • Shanzgood 4 Days

      Your kitty memes make me wanna give you chin scritches!

      • BadKitty904

        That’s the whole point!

        *purrs*

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Most of you will go to a school with girls. But don’t worry. You will learn, as most of my Republican colleagues have learned, is that girls make the best beards.”

    • Jennifer R

      Shoes (and myrtle’s sundress) belong in the closet. Not people.

      • The Green Bastard

        Myrtle said she’s wearing the sundress this year, dammit. She doesn’t care that her titties hang out the bottom of it. Freedom!

        • Jennifer R

          It’s the orange and lime green leopard print that offends me.

          • The Green Bastard

            Oh holy shit, Myrtle, that’s just not right!

            We’re gonna need some darker sun glasses.

          • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

            Will polyester pant suits ever come back in style? They’d couple well with my dayglow blue leisure suit with white vinyl belt and matching shoes!

          • Jennifer R

            I am sure hipsters are on the case.

          • Amy!

            Larry?

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Myrtle just don’t give a fuck!

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Just ask Mrs. Pence.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    He should have quoted Dead Scalia:

    If, even as the price to be paid for a fifth vote, I ever joined an opinion for the Court that began: ‘The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach, a liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity,’ I would hide my head in a bag.” Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. ___ (2015) (Scalia, J., dissenting).

    • elviouslyqueer

      (Scalia, J., decomposing)

      FIFY.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Probably nothing left but an asshole at this point.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          They dug a hole to put a hole in the ground?

        • bupkus231

          Yeah, but that thing’s eternal.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Same as it ever was. to quote the Talking Heads.

    • erm. But the constitution DOES promise liberty to all within its reach. It really does that! Says so very explicitly like a few times even!
      I can haz constitutional law scholarship noa?

      • ahughes798

        I think what Scalia was saying is that the Constitution doesn’t say the things it actually says, and would hide his head in a bag rather than agree with it? If that’s so…..ish.

      • MrTusks

        When he wants to argue against gay rights: “It’s not specifically written down in the Constitution!”

        When he wants to argue in favor of persecuting gays: “Clearly the Constitution meant to say this was okay!”

  • Thiazin Red

    Even really terrible people can like their own kid.

    Having “graduations” from elementary and middle school is ridiculous. Even more when schools have them for each grade.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      My sister’s 8 year old had a “graduation” at the end of the first semester, in addition to the traditional third-grade commencement. She was disappointed that I did not send a graduation gift.

      • Thiazin Red

        Fuck that, no way am I sending a kid some bullshit half term present.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Right. Where do people come up with this shit?

          • Thiazin Red

            My boyfriend has some trash bag relatives who tried to throw a second “baby shower” when the kid was almost 2 because they said some people didn’t come to the first one.

            For some reason other people were reluctant to call them on their bullshit.

          • Ill-Advised

            Sarah Palin?

            Ivanka Trump?

            All celebrity fans everywhere?

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        2nd grade nephew’s parents are hosting a kindergarten reunion. I just walked away when they started telling me about it.

      • The Green Bastard

        Next half-year, you could get her a new spiral notebook. “Here’s to the next half!”

      • elviouslyqueer

        She was disappointed that I did not send a graduation gift.

        I hope you explained to her that your “gift” was not smacking her upside the head.

      • Gregory Brown

        A first semester graduation?! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

    • I have to answer the phone at work when the HR assistant is out (we don’t have a receptionist because it’s not the kind of business where people make cold calls or walk in off the street). Last month I got a text saying she would be out most of the morning for her “grandson’s kindergarten graduation”. THAT IS NOT A THING

      • Opiwan

        hah, it totally is… it could have been worse, it could have been for PRESCHOOL like my kids both had 6 and 9 years ago, respectively. I still hear from my coworkers about taking off for those.

        • You would not hear anything about that here, people are fucking insane when it comes to their kids in the deep south. I once had a co-worker in the next cube who spent MONTHS planning her kid’s 2nd birthday party (I could hear all the phone calls involved), I’m pretty sure the invasion of Normandy wasn’t as meticulously planned.

    • proudgrampa

      Thank you. The whole “graduation” thing is getting out of hand — like “participation trophies.”

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        If half the class doesn’t show up drunk, it’s not a graduation.

      • Jennifer R

        I think that any 9 year old who can muster enough attention for a full season of little league baseball has earned that trophy.

        • Nockular cavity

          If you had seen me out in Right Field, you wouldn’t have referred to it as “attention.”

          • Jennifer R

            Stop being me.

          • Gregory Brown

            You probably were into grass picking.

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            As a former coach who spent far too many hours yelling “Ethan, you’re up… you should have gone to the bathroom before the game – go hit now and pee later. Michael L. stop spitting sunflower seeds at the other kids!! Kyle! KYLE!! Turn around and face the game!! RYAN! Stop throwing boogers at Jake and let him pay attention! JARED!! GET DOWN OFF THE ROOF OF THE DUGOUT RIGHT NOW OR I WILL BENCH YOU!! Kyle!! KYLE!! Play Pokemon battles AFTER the game, not during it!!” I am fully aware of what “attention” looks like in Little League.

          • rebecca

            or Coach Me: “TAKE THAT GLOVE OFF YOUR HEAD!”

        • proudgrampa

          Fair enough…

      • Gregory Brown

        I wish we could give Donald Trump a 25th Amendment Participation Trophy, and send him home.

    • SisterArtemis

      I’ll have to dissent from my fellow wonketeers on this one. I do think that high school graduation should be celebrated with special pomp, circumstance, regalia, and all such manner of fancy attention. BUT… getting to the end of one school (elementary, middle, whatever) is an achievement, and there’s nothing wrong with having a ceremony to mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one.

      My grandkid’s head start class had a graduation get-together. Some presentations by the kids, adorable of course, and an opportunity for the head start teacher to talk about what happened over the course of the year, and how the kids had grown as individuals and as members of a team. I didn’t mind at all, and it felt like much more than just a participation trophy. Kids and their families alike were alerted to the long term growth over the year, and of course, lots of chances for photo ops (you’ve never seen so many cell phones up above people’s heads recording in one small classroom).

      Plus, cookies!

      • Gregory Brown

        Screw all those subgraduations. My high school had grades 7-12 all under one roof, with a junior high wing for 7, 8, 9, and a senior high wing for 10-12. As far as we were concerned, from seventh grade on, we were in high school, and the only graduation that mattered was at the end of high school.

        • With us, we went 1-8 (before K was mandatory even yes!) then 9-12.
          We had a ceremony for each, but the 12 one was of course, bigger, longer, and uncut.

          • Gregory Brown

            Only graduations I ever had were high school and college. Never saw the need for more.

      • BrendaKay

        Ah, the cookies! But I do agree with you. It’s nice to come together as a community to celebrate education.

    • LucindathePook

      Totally agree with all the non-comments on graduations other than high school–these days. But my gramma was first in family to graduate eighth grade, which was a big deal at the time. My ma was first to finish high school (daddy didn’t).
      Ma sent each of her grandsons a check when they learned cursive, which was a thing back in the day and the style at that time. Mostly so they could have the fun of endorsing the check with their signatures. I thought it was a cool idea.

    • Jenny

      Hey hey hey! Jenny’s kids libelz!!!

      Haha just kidding. These fake graduations are stupid but there’s been free cake.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Free cake justifies almost anything.

  • proudgrampa

    He either drank the Kool-Aid, or ate the Wackelpudding.

    • William

      Or smoked the jazz cabbage.

      • Jennifer R

        Sweet datura.

        • Gregory Brown

          That shit will fry your brain, and not just figuratively.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      I like my Wäckelpudding mit Weisswürst.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        Und Weißbier!!

        • JustDon’tSayShank

          mit Senf!

          • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

            Weißwurst vor Mittag!

          • ahughes798

            Harriger Affe!

  • The Green Bastard

    Whatever the occasion, its never a bad idea to tell middle schoolers ‘life is hard for everyone; don’t be an asshole’.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    “Words can be twisted into any shape. Promises can be made to lull the heart and seduce the soul. In the final analysis, words mean nothing. They are labels we give things in an effort to wrap our puny little brains around their underlying natures, when ninety-nine percent of the time the totality of the reality is an entirely different beast. The wisest man is the silent one. Examine his actions. Judge him by them.”
    ― Karen Marie Moning

  • armed_bears

    OK… He’s sentient, and a mammal.

    • Kateaux

      Which puts him head and shoulders above Der Drumpfenfuhrer’s level of existence, really.

  • Swampay

    I think he is actually Not Insane. Unlike another recently appointed SCOTUS justice I could point to.

  • catnmus

    I had hope for him at the beginning, when he was still trying to get unanimous – though narrow – rulings instead of 5-4s. That seems to have gone by the wayside quite a while ago, though.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Middle schools have commencements? WTF?

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I had one. All the 14-year-old girls were trying to look grown up and the boys were trying to disappear.

    • kareemachan

      Hell some places have kindergarten graduation…

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        My son’s preschool had a graduation way back when, and I have to say it was pretty cute.

    • Persistent Demme

      My daughter had one.
      I had Grandma in stitches when they were handing out awards, and I whispered:
      “What? No awards for shitty grades, lousy attitude, or skipping class?”

  • Not a bad speech though I liked it the first time I read it.
    Oh, the places you’ll go!

  • The Librarian

    Shouldn’t the Justice heed his own words?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Remember the GOP motto: ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’

  • kindness

    I think it’s sad that since Gorsuch wandered into the neighborhood that folks act like Roberts is some kind of moderate now. God damn Mitch McConnell for breaking what used to be the US Senate.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Not a moderate, but I think he is a step better than the other three. He knows what the outcome he wants is, but not at all costs like Gosuch, Alitto and Thomas (in that order)

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Its not really Mitch’s fault. In 2000, the Sups chose to make themselves political arms of the government. That’s why the next liberal President needs to come in with enough dirt on the justices and the spine to use it to clean house on the bench.

  • Angry Red Bird DGAF

    Don’t know if this has been posted somewhere else but Kennedy is very likely going to be retiring before Trump leaves office. Lord help us!
    http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/analysis-republicans-just-quietly-got-some-very-good-supreme-court-news/ar-BBDG48R?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartandhp

    • Kooolest G

      hopefully he retires at the exact same point in trump’s term as scalia died in obamas term so we can watch mitch mcconnell explain why it would be unconstitutional to wait until after the election to appoint a new justice

      • Angry Red Bird DGAF

        That would be nice.

      • Roni Raven, Undercovfefe Agent

        I don’t want Trump in office that long.

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        McTurtle would not even address it: “Under the Constitution, the president gets to pick the Supreme Court justices… What are you talking about…blocked Obama’s nomination? Stop lying, you fake media.”

      • By that time, the Democrats should control the Senate…..

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Why is a middle school having a commencement?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      It’s a boys boarding prep school… they probably wanted to have some kind of ceremony before sending their lads off to Phillips Exeter Academy or wherever it is that they’re going to relive A Separate Peace.

    • TundraGrifter

      If you had a child in middle school you’d understand why. They’re lucky to get out alive.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Hell, they have “graduations” from kindergarten now. This is not unusual.

    • ahughes798

      It’s gotten ridiculous. There are now graduations for pre-school and grade-school, too.

      • Adam Brown

        Pre-school graduation is a cute photo opp for parents and a $$ for the companies that make the little tikes graduation outfits. But, believe it or not Elementary “Moving Up” celebrations are very important in our county’s rural community, where completion of Primary is a milestone for farmworker’s children. Their parents may not have had the opportunity to attend or stay in school beyond a the first few years.

  • Sparger

    Whatever Fuck that guy.

  • JKMas

    Looking at this comments section, I feel like it’s time for some “shut the f’up” therapy-type words from Barack Obama, aka “Dad”:

    “I’d go into these towns and everybody felt really familiar to me, because they reminded me of my grandparents and my mom and that attitude that you talk about. You saw all through the state [of Iowa]—and I saw this when I was traveling through southern Illinois when I was first campaigning for the United States Senate—and I actually see it everywhere across the country.

    The issue to me . . . is not so much that those virtues that you prize and that you care about and that are vital to our democracy aren’t there. They are there in Little League games, and emergency rooms, and in school buildings. And people are treating each other the way you would want our democracy to cultivate. But there’s this huge gap between how folks go about their daily lives and how we talk about our common life and our political life. And people describe it as the distance between Washington and Main Street. But it’s not just Washington; it’s the way we talk about our politics, our foreign policy, our common endeavors. There’s this gap.

    And the thing I’ve been struggling with throughout my political career is how do you close the gap. There’s all this goodness and decency and common sense on the ground, and somehow it gets translated into rigid, dogmatic, often mean-spirited politics . . .

    So that, I think, is the challenge. I’m very encouraged when I meet people in their environments. Somehow it gets distilled at the national political level in ways that aren’t always as encouraging.”

    • suziq

      Nice! I would vote for him! (oh, I did twice.)

    • miss_grundy

      Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if we had a president who actually spoke to our better angels. Oh, wait–we did have one.

      • CafeenMan

        Right now I’d settle for a President who spoke English as if he had at least graduated from high school.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I blame fuckign Fox News and fucking Rush Limbaugh for a lot of this crap.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Words. Meh.

  • Charles Wolf

    There hasn’t been a meaningful epiphany on the High Court since Earl Warren went all Brown v The Board at the urging of Thurgood Marshall… a couple/few of generations ago.

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