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Fuck sake (self.northernireland)

IS_THIS_A_COMMENT が 投稿

I'm fucking busting for a shit i've been backed up for 5 days I might need a c-section honestly lads this must be inverted or something cause it won't come out so desperate measures I decide to take a pill to stop all my problems i bomb round to tesco to buy constipation tablets, gub 2 of them on the way home then when I get onto my street wha do I see except IVE ONLY GONE AND BOUGHT DIARRHEA TABLETS so theres me in a laybay trying to boke these up like a fucking junkoid man pure eyes watering muck all over ma knees and I cant get the bastards up, back round to tesco for another go, made sure I got the right ones this time. Whats going to happen to me? what will become of man?

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[–]FuzzyCode 87 ポイント88 ポイント  (0子コメント)

hey look a literal shitpost

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 34 ポイント35 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Well lads its half 12, i took another 2 constipation pills at about 12. Cramps got worse then i got that feeling i know a laxative shite is coming on. Learned that from chugging dxm which had laxative sorbitol in it as a teen. Had to put in big effort to get the first few wee chunks out but after that it was like a tap. Writin this from the bog. Cheers for the replies boys yer wee gems

[–]tf2fan 12 ポイント13 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Glad to hear your arse is sorted.

Now go eat some wheatabix and drink more water. Fibre and hydration - That'll keep you more regular.

[–]forgottenpassword24 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

That poor toilet.

[–]Radamski 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Great news

[–]christorino 26 ポイント27 ポイント  (15子コメント)

I hope this is real. I want to set a remainder for 8 hours

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 47 ポイント48 ポイント  (2子コメント)

http://i.imgur.com/WeWBNQW.jpg

Would I lie to yiz

[–]forgot_password_crapMexico 26 ポイント27 ポイント  (0子コメント)

risky click. was expecting a jobby.

[–]amyyyyyyyyyy 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Desperate times call for Tesco value pills to give you the runs

[–]sijtwtjeiotwo 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (11子コメント)

I know, he hasn't posted in four hours though so I hope he's alright. u/IS_THIS_A_COMMENT you hanging in there man?

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (10子コメント)

Went for a kip and woke up with gut pains

Fartin and blowin but nothings coming out

[–]sijtwtjeiotwo 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Honestly if you're serious, go to the doctor. From experience.. constipation is easily confused with appendicitis.

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Would appendicits stop me shitting? Im dead serious like, just took 2 more constipation tablets there now if its not gone by the morning its a doctor jobi

[–]sijtwtjeiotwo 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah definitely. Do go see a doctor first thing if you're not feeling better tomorrow

[–]christorino 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (6子コメント)

Wtf is this keto diet and what actual fibre have you eaten. Go eat some proper spuds and get fibre in ye

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (5子コメント)

Im eating kale brocolli and beansprouts for veggies

Ketos where u stop eating carbs so yer body consumes fat instead

[–]christorino 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

This is your body telling you to wise up and eat fibre, there's a reason these are fad diets.

[–]cocorebop 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I don't want to sound condescending but if you've been taught that one of the three macro nutrients should be avoided for any reason, then you're probably being taken for a ride

[–]DeyjaVou 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Hasn't keto got fibre in it though? I've heard nothin but good stuff about keto and the three people I know on it are more full of life and lighter weight than I've known them to be.

[–]cocorebop 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hasn't keto got fibre in it though?

Fibre is not one of the three macro nutrients, and is not what I was referring to.

[–]Chrigity 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Cruciferous vegetables will fuck you up

[–]jdmatt89 17 ポイント18 ポイント  (5子コメント)

find a big spoon in the drawer and get ta diggin young fla!

[–]punkfunkymonkey 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Or take the scientific approach to the problem and work it out with a pencil.

[–]DespoticPanda 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (3子コメント)

A fork would break it up better

[–]psychfunkBelfast 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

A drill bit would really do the trick

[–]saladinzero 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I was thinking an egg beater.

[–]AonghusMacKilkenny 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Crowbar would do the trick too

[–]IsSectarian 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (0子コメント)

r/oversharing

[–]Radamski 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (12子コメント)

I guess they'd cancel eachother out? Gub some more of the right ones

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 20 ポイント21 ポイント  (11子コメント)

Are you a doctor cause my life is in the balance here

[–]IsSectarian 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Dr here, I'd prescribe a bottle of buckfast down the neck. Gives ye the shit's everytime. If that doesn't work I'm afraid you're fucked lad.

[–]NoCureForPeterRobins 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Failing that, a corkscrew up the jaxie will do the trick.

[–]Radamski 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (8子コメント)

I am not a doctor but I do have some experience with your predicament. Should've bought a 1l of prune juice, that'll do the jab

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (6子コメント)

I'm on keto diet no sugar or carbs (or bucky)

[–]Radamski 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Could that be why you're backed up te fuck?

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Probably, good news i just got 3 wee shites out but there must be a good whack more in there

[–]Radamski 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hahah fuck sake tmi

[–]AonghusMacKilkenny 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hummus, dark chocolate, spicy food - all great laxatives. Take the lot and you'll wake up tomorrow and go within 10 minutes

[–]PLiPH 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's why your shites backed up. Eat loads of green leaves.

[–]ScaramouchScaramouch 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Artificial sweeteners are, generally, laxatives so chew a few packets of sugar-free gum, also lots of coffee.

[–]Egor_Wobble_Cox 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Serious? Get Califig from Tesco - concentrated fig juice. Absolute gut bomb, I used to use it for losing a couple extra pounds to get into medical research trials at Biokinetic, back in the day.Seriously, it'll feel like someone's wringing out your intestines, but there'll be nothing left in there. Just a chapped ring and the feeling of walking on air.

[–]lemonbeefcake 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I'm backed up ta fuck, if you pricked my intenstine I'd explode in shit.

Stuck a suppository up there and it helps a bit but still sat here feeling like I'm pregnant. The fucking pain.

[–]beamfollower 8 ポイント9 ポイント  (1子コメント)

'For all the good they've done me I might as well have stuck them up me arse'

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

This subreddits too skint to hand out reddit gold but see if it wasnt

[–]costley111 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

go for a good run, it'll get whatevers inside you moving about a fair bit and itll help it pass.

[–]drunkmerlin 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Butter up your fingers, put them up your arse hole and see if you can pull out the dry piece of shit corking your arse and prepare for a deluge of scuttery shite behind it. It will be the the most disgusting thing you have ever done with you hand unless of course you have ever voted DUP (wayhay).

Seriously though a 5 day impaction requires medical attention, your GP can sort you out with a mini-enema.

[–]aoibhhbioa 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

mate I'm the exact same, lying here wanting to die fulla shite.

[–]hempmachineBelfast 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

2 tablespoons of coconut oil melted in coffee. If you can hold your bowels after that you should be a marine!

[–]AlexAndThunder 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Is this a commentary on the state of the powersharing talks?

[–]CastrosExplodinCigarRandalstown 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Drink hot water with lemon. Or a pot of coffee. Or a six pack of lager or IPA. There's no better shit than a beer/IPA shit the morning after.

[–]eastcoastblaze 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Go pick up some pre-workout and take some of it.

[–]LmR442 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

quick look on wikipedia; the laxatives you bought cause evacuation of the colon, but Imodium slows movement through the intestine. So my best guess is that the laxative will take effect first but then its going to be a little while before you shit again.

I see you posted 5 hours ago. Was I right?

[–]AonghusMacKilkenny 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

This lad has been backed up for 5 days so he goes and gets medication that slows the colon down HAHAHA

[–]pickled-egg 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

The bisacodyl will probably beat the loperamide. Might still be a bit of a struggle but bisacodyl is some feral stuff, I think you'll be fine lad.

[–]fullmoonbeam 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Moviprep needed and your innerds will be as clean as a whistle in a few hours.

[–]stork110 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Mate drink one or two black coffees then skull a beer. Works every time boss!

[–]shaye442 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Holy fuck as a dumb yank I read every single comment in this shitpost with an Irish accent it was like being in a fucking pub

[–]Boingerhead 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Et moi :)

[–]doggobotlovesyou 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

:)

I am happy that you are happy. Spread the happiness around.

This doggo demands it.

[–]kleptofridgeGermany 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just take twice as many constipation tablets as diarrhea tablets and you're grand

[–]Crimsai 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Don't believe you, you're full of shit ;)

Also maybe call your GP.

[–]punkfunkymonkey 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Back when my uncle worked for the DoE he went to the doctors in his work gear and explained he was constipated. "Let me stop you there, I'll sign you off with backache. They won't question that and you'll get longer out of it...".

[–]Nalhafiq 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Faecal impaction?

[–]epeeist 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Down two pints of Guinness and then quarantine yourself near a window and a toilet for 24 hours. It'll get everything moving, guaranteed.

Don't worry too much about taking the diarrhoea tablets. They've told your bowel to dry out your stools as much as it can, which is going to make things trickier. Keep drinking piles of water or fruit juice to counteract it.

[–]hydroxBelfast 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Drink a bottle of red wine tonight, it'll shift tomorrow morning.

[–]agsknagjacsilv42 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Chuck a few bowls of all bran in ye. Have some curry too. Fuck your bowels up

[–]Amaerijuana 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Buy some milk of magnesia

Fill the cap up to the second or third line from the top and get it down ya

That will listen the stools and you'll have a nice soft shite

if you could report back and let us know what you got on the Bristol stool scale that would be great

http://i.imgur.com/7VLkMcn.jpg

Enjoy

[–]IS_THIS_A_COMMENT[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm gettin type 5's, but thats probs cause of the laxative. the intial ones that were like a cork stopping the rest were type 1's alright

[–]Dassive_Mick 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Constipation tablets make you not shit. Diarrhea tables make you shit like a busted fire hydrant but will dehydrate you to hell and back

[–]ManEatingGnomes 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

RemindMe! 4 hours

[–]niscienceguy 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You spin a good yarn so ye do. Also, work it out with a pencil.

[–]psychfunkBelfast 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I know you're sorted now OP but the trick for next time is just to be late for something important. That's when my bowels always take control of my life.

[–]AonghusMacKilkenny -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I don't get it, you're constipated so you took something to stop diarrhea? You need laxatives and fast by the sound of it lad!