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helicopterer of subpoenas

For weeks, Donald Trump held America hostage with his tweet threats to former FBI director James Comey that MAYBE he has “wire tapps” of their conversations with each other, so Comey better tell the truth about how much justice Donald Trump tried to obstruct. (ALL OF IT, KATIE.) Some people (yours truly) are like PFFFFFFT FUCK OFF, Trump has no goddamn tapes. Other people (your Wonkette editrix Rebecca) are like PFFFFFFT YOURSELF, maybe Trump himself didn’t record those conversations, but one of his weirdo surveillance goons might have! So we still don’t know, not for sure.

Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking member on the House Intelligence Committee, would like to know for sure. In fact his committee had ordered the White House to please turn over any “recordings, memoranda, or other documents” that might exist, and said to please turn in that homework by last Friday. Trump’s tweet official White House statement that he didn’t have any tapes came the day before. Did Trump say that because he really doesn’t have tapes, or did he say that to shut Adam Schiff up?

If so, his little plan failed, just like all of Trump’s little plans fail. Schiff is ready to stand up straight and helicopter his great big subpoenas into Donald Trump’s throat. (DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE “SUBPOENAS” SOUNDS LIKE “PENIS” AND HELICOPTERING IS A THING GUYS DO WITH THEIR PENIS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ADAM SCHIFF, ALLEGEDLY.)

God, we are idiots on Fridays:

Reps. Mike Conaway (R-Texas) and Adam Schiff (D-Calif.) said in a joint statement the White House needs to clarify whether it has “recordings, memoranda, or other documents” — adding that they will consider using a “compulsory process” to ensure a satisfactory response. […]

The White House later sent Conaway and Schiff a letter referring them to Trump’s Tweet.

But the two lawmakers now say that’s not enough. […]

The pair said in their joint statement they have sent the White House a letter asking that it “fully comply” with their request.

Ooh, Mike Conaway is ready to play helicopter with his subpoenas too! We didn’t know Congressional Republicans were willing to do that to Republican presidents, but hey, it’s 2017, anything goes!

Mike Conaway also has huge subpoenas, allegedly.

So! Will the White House comply with their request now? Or will they wait for Adam Schiff and Mike Conaway to take Trump furniture shopping, with their subpoenises?

No clue, we just wanted to make a bunch of dick jokes about Adam Schiff’s subpoenas.

Subpoenas.

Penis.

THE END.

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  • FauxAntocles

    I abdicate from the first commenter position as I have no good dick jokes.

    • Ricky Gay

      We also accept bad ones

  • arglebargle

    Wonkette – Come for the dick jokes, stay for the dick jokes.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I always come for dick.

      Wait.

      • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

        In Russia, dick comes for you.

      • Rasilom

        Never wait. If you want the dick and it returns your want, then take the dick. This PSA brought to you by Straight Hetero White Guys Supporting Our LGBTQ Brothers Sisters and Others (SHWGSOLBSO, yes I know our acronym makes no sence)

  • MynameisBlarney
  • arglebargle

    Are those Schiff subpoenas in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

  • elviouslyqueer

    The White House later sent Conaway and Schiff a letter referring them to Trump’s Tweet.

    Hold the entire fuck up. I thought KellyAnne said we weren’t supposed to pay attention to Habanero Hitler’s social media shittery. Now they’re using is as an official reference point?

  • calliecallie

    Helicoptering? I always learn new things here on this wonkette.

  • Oneofthebobs

    My knees are subpoenas.

  • Werewolf

    I didn’t know that it’s possible to helicopter a subpoenas down someone’s throat. Learn something new every day.

  • Zonath

    Can’t wait for Schiff to slap Trump with his subpoenas.

    • mailman27

      That would be an uberpoenas IMHO.

  • calliecallie

    Do you think they’ll subpoenas that Pecker from the National Enquirer?

    • Dutchman

      Thank you!!! I’m pleased to see that I’m not the only person doing Pecker jokes today.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Let me just whip this out – Adam Schiff

  • Crystalclear12

    Think about this :
    In the future someday, somewhere someone is going to fail a history test over a Trump tweet question.

    • Rasilom

      You are absolutly right. Holy fucking shit, how fucked up is that? Very fucked up is the answer.

    • Jennaratrix

      As a history professor, I find this really disturbing.

      • everstar

        I was in a Barnes and Noble last December, doing Christmas shopping, and I saw a kid’s book titled, “The American Presidents,” or some such. It had all their portraits laid out on the cover, ending in Trump. Seeing it laid out like that broke my heart.

        • Jennaratrix

          Just hearing about it breaks mine.

        • Paul Dietzel

          When making my first post-election trip to the VA clinic I glanced up on the wall to where Barry’s portrait used to hang and I nearly puked: “What the hell is that idiot’s picture doing there?”

    • everstar

      On the other hand, this will be the first Presidential library we can fit in a shoebox.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese

      The two men did not take questions, marking the second consecutive foreign visit where Trump has not taken questions alongside a world leader he is hosting at the White House.

      Remember “It Has Been XXX Days Since Hillary’s Last Press Conference”?

  • vivian

    I woulda thought Johnson was the guy to issue subpoenas.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hugh Johnson?

      • yyyaz

        When you’re as deep in the bush leagues as the current crop of idjits, any Johnson will do.

        • Panika MCD

          MUFF LIBELZ!!!!

  • everstar

    May the spirit of Adam Schiff be with Adam Schiff. That way, we’ll at least get some good one-liners.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • jodyleek

    Dick jokes? It’s not even Cocktober yet! I’m gonna have to change all my decorations now.

  • calliecallie

    Sorry to nonsequitur such a glorious dick joke celebration, but just had to share that I saw an official communication from USDOT this week – logo and everything – that used the phrase “skin in the game” in it. As in, states and locals need to have more “skin in the game” when it comes to infrastructure investment. This is just not how official federal information is written, folks.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0e557ba93becd9aad482c11ee0535489b7c385179dab930dd4bf0b709855aede.jpg

    • arglebargle

      Wonkette would have used “foreskin in the game”.

    • Panika MCD

      bu-bu-buuuuut TX just put half the Texeros that would normally go into our Rainy Day Fund into transpo infrastructure and promised not to spend any of it on high speed rail or toll roads! I’d call and extra $80B over the next decade having in the game skin, hair, nails and…is that a jaw bone? I think there’s even a tongue in there. what do they want? dick pics?

    • everstar

      Don’t state and local governments already pay for the majority of infrastructure work? How, precisely, would they get more invested in it? (I take your point about them not being able to write for shit as well, but I also just don’t understand what they’re saying.)

    • ….srlsy.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Jobs, jobs, jobs……” ___ “So much winning!”

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DCkclXFXUAAeHFh.jpg

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Wonkette better hope that the NSA doesn’t have “tapes” of this post. Why? IDK they just better hope, OK? And that’s not a treat, or implied threat, or what ever. I need a doughnut.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I could not be more proud of my congress critter!

    http://media3.giphy.com/media/jShr8wkP38XTO/giphy.gif

  • Bananas Foster

    (I had to look up helicoptering. I am a failure as a slut.)

    • kareemachan

      Me too. I haz failed.

    • Me too. Although I have to admit, based on the urban dictionary definition it sounds more like something Trump would do if he didn’t have such a subpenis.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Jennaratrix

    How many dick jokes can you handle in one post?

    AOT, K.

  • Joe Beese

    Who knew a tweet wouldn’t legally satisfy a subpoena?

  • jowgajen
    • Bananas Foster

      Where’s the twirling?!

    • Jennaratrix

      Ack! Dead from cute!

    • miss_grundy

      Adorbs!

  • Jennaratrix

    Wait. Guys do a thing called helicoptering with their penises? Penii? Whatever. This is a thing? This is the first I’ve heard of it, and I’m not looking it up.

    • Vincent Ricola

      I’ll look it up for Science reasons.

    • leemoder

      Flashing back to having to explain “teabagging” to nice lady friend…

      • Jennaratrix

        Well. I’m not sure anyone would describe me as their “nice lady friend,” but okay. I’m waiting for someone to bottom-line it for me, because I’m seriously not going to look it up. I learned that lesson with Tubgirl.

        • Antonin Dvorak

          Picture a helicopter’s rotor mid-flight…

          • Jennaratrix

          • (I still do not get it. Gonna pretend that I do, however)

          • Jennaratrix

            (Pssst, me too. I think. Maybe it means whipping it around in circles? I dunno. I don’t have one. And that’s the only thing I can think of, and I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do that. It sounds uncomfortable.)

          • (I am assuming it has something to do with maybe hovering and possibly blowing. Like 69 but more limber?)

          • Jennaratrix

            I can’t decide if it’s funny or sad that we truly have no idea, and instead of looking it up and having THAT in our search history, we’re talking over possibilities like a couple of little old ladies having tea. In case anyone was wondering, this is why I love Wonkette.

          • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

            I shall try to explain. Imagine a naked man, flexing his knees and moving his hips from side to side. I know it sounds strange, but guys, penis.

          • *squint*
            Is that all? meh.
            Dudes, get better tricks.

          • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

            Something to do while working on flexibility for self-fellating. #notallmen

          • leemoder

            Call me “Blue Thunder”.

          • Indivisible Snark Tank

            Hiya, Blue Thunder! I’m Airwolf!

      • I had to explain ‘teabagging’ my mother. Yes, my mother.

    • jesterpunk

      There is also helicoptering for women too. So everyone can do that helicoptering thing.

  • Aunt PithyPat

    How many dick jokes?!?! All of ’em, Katie!

  • Vincent Ricola

    I’m way too old to just be finding out about this Helicoptering dick thing. I am intrigued and will be following up with further research.

    • Joe Beese

      I never helicoptered in my youth and now it’s too late.

      • Ricky Gay

        Get to the choppah!

    • mailman27

      Is there a newsletter?

  • canes_pugnaces

    I received a speeding ticket recently, I referred to the cop to my Facebook account, because well, because the president said it’s ok.

  • Joe Beese
    • Vincent Ricola

      Hahahahaha! So stupid, so clueless, so mean, so proud.

      • Ricky Gay

        Trumpian!

    • Bananas Foster

      A man who is on his third wife should not brag about never seeing a psychiatrist.

      Of course, a man who jokes about dating his daughter should be in court-ordered therapy.

      • redacted

        • Bananas Foster

          Sometimes BF is not as clever as she wishes she could be.

          • My apologies. :cuddles: Will edit out. Fer the curious, the thing he said about Tiff when she was 2 or 3

          • Bananas Foster

            I was totally kidding!

          • XD figures. Is ok, pretty sure people will get it

          • miss_grundy

            No, I think she was an infant when he said it on “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” episode with Marla Maples and Robin Leach. I think the interviewed was recorded shortly after Marla had given birth to Tiffany.

        • Bananas Foster

          I’m sorry. I was kidding. I hope I didn’t make you feel bad.

          • no no! I was just trying to be respectful XD It was no big for me either way lol

      • miss_grundy

        He should be labelled a sexual predator and he should have to register as one.

  • BadKitty904

    Maybe Adam is just happy to see him.

  • Ricky Gay

    This is really getting all legal and shit. I want to see Adam’s briefs!

    • yyyaz

      Sadly, I hear there is a minimum of dicta in his briefs.

    • Rasilom

      Breifs!?!?! That bad ass wears boxers. None of this tighty whitey shit.

      • Ricky Gay

        Yeah yeah. The pun doesn’t work as well then. :(

  • Mavenmaven

    I imagine there will be some horrifying tweets by Trump about Schiff and Conaway by morning tomorrow.

  • jesterpunk
    • Joe Beese

      Prophetic.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      Yes, let’s hope so….although then there is Pence…….Ryan….McConnell the fucking cabinet, shit…..fuck it all

      • The Green Bastard

        Hopefully washed out w Mueller’s Scrubbing Bubbles of Justice, those dirty lil Russian pee hookers.

      • miss_grundy

        Hopefully Mueller lassoes all of them so we can get rid of all of them in one fell swope. Then we can begin to reconstruct our government and rid ourselves of all of these comemierdas.

    • timpundit

      How about for just being gross?

    • miss_grundy

      I sure hope so…..

    • JustDon’tSayShank

      I guess I’ll post this again.

  • A Republican is trying to do something to ensure good governance and accountability?

    Look, Pod People… I’m not complaining, I’m just saying you might want to rein it in a bit or the other humans are going to get suspicious. Not me… I, for one, welcome our new Pod People overlords.

    • kareemachan

      ‘Pod people got no reason….’

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        ‘Pod people got no reason to live

  • bongo fury

    Are we talking about Trump’s sub-penis again??

    • yyyaz

      “Hey, innies are too just as good as outies!”
      — Dolt 45

  • miss_grundy

    Dear Mr. Schiff:

    Please take the subpeonas, roll then up like a cigarette, light them up and shove them down Dolt 45’s throat. I want this asshat to choke on them, without benefit of votes.

    Sincerely,

    America

  • yyyaz

    Damn! I wanna see Adam insert a long amendment into some enabling legislation, too also.

    • His strong hands slowly slid the throbbing and powerful subpoena into the wantonly enabling legislation…..

      • kareemachan

        [Fanning myself] “Oh be still my beating heart!”

        • I find the word wanton a bit distracting. I keep thinking soup and it blows the mood.

          • JustDon’tSayShank

            Would “hot and sour” be better?

          • SisterArtemis

            sounds like a mean landlady in August…

          • JustDon’tSayShank

            OK, that was a LOL moment for me!

      • everstar

        Schoolhouse Rock After Dark

        • mmm yeah, Baby, I’m just a Bill all right. Ooooooo

          • SisterArtemis

            needz moar courvoisier

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Is it time for that Turgid-something-something troll to show up?

  • You had me at subpenis.

  • jesterpunk

    The Rock will hand deliver the subpoena to Trump.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVMiksEenaM

  • Notreelyhelping

    When this thing comes to a head, Trump will get totally shafted. Or something.

    • JustDon’tSayShank

      That took balls.

  • timpundit

    A bad thing is when you mistake ‘Helicoptering’ your partner with ‘Crop dusting’ them.

    Says a (ex)friend.

    • everstar

      Cary Grant in North by Northwest?

    • Rasilom

      Sorry, I refuse to look up Crop Dusting as it just sounds too disgusting…. Hey It fucking rhyms! Why do I have to defend myself?

      • Jennaratrix

        Crop dusting is just when someone farts as they walk by you. I know this because it was a former co-worker’s favorite pastime.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          The airline flight attendants revenge.

        • mancityRed6

          if you’re in an office environment, this is what you do:
          fart, quietly
          then ask, “do you smell popcorn?”

          • Jennaratrix

            Matt? Is that you?

          • mancityRed6

            I’ve never worked solely in an office environment, it was the ex that told me about it.

  • Joe Beese

    Wait. So Kushner tries to blackmail Scarborough and Brzezinski, they don’t bite, and the piece in question is published. Then they just sit on this for two months until Trump goes after them personally? They didn’t think being blackmailed by the President’s son-in-law was newsworthy on its own?

    If there are text messages from Kushner, maybe show us them? You know, on the TV network you appear on five times a week? The one that exists ostensibly to talk about newsworthy things. Such as the President of the United States. Blackmailing you.

    http://www.metafilter.com/167940/Its-day-162-with-POTUS45-marking-another-helluva-week-in-US-news#7082101

    • kareemachan

      They were laughing their asses off at kushner. Pretty effing obvious.

    • Joe Beese
      • Jennaratrix

        More like Ross Douchehat, amirite?

        • Yeah pretty sure Ross is not that blameless in that entire thing himself?

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            somehow in all the hubbub I seemed to have missed his apology too

      • miss_grundy

        I never agree with Douthat but I do this time. These two media whores gave that SOB all the free airtime that he wanted. And now that they have decided to criticize him for “political theatre” we are supposed to feel sorry for them because Dolt 45 is attacking them? Sorry, not gonna do it. F*ck them and MSNBC brass for giving these three media whores airtime. F*ck them with a rusty garden hoe.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          I agree with YOU but I cannot bring myself to agree with Douche Hat on anything.

        • I feel sympathy for them because he lied about them, and threatened them. If he had said something true (besides nearly dying of shock) I would not be so sympathetic.

      • bupkus231

        It would be better for everyone if everyone stopped watching their show

  • bookish

    Spoiler alert: he’s a jerk and a boor.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-apprentice-transcript_us_57fbc511e4b0e655eab65823?utm_hp_ref=must-reads&google_editors_picks=true

    Top Democratic operatives have offered to pay millions of dollars for unaired footage of Donald Trump on the set of “The Apprentice,” hoping to unearth another unscripted moment like the one that surfaced Friday from 2005, when Trump said he would grab women “by the pussy.”

    But it’s not just videos they should be looking for. “The Apprentice,” executive produced by Mark Burnett, had a transcript service. And on some occasions, transcribers captured moments that didn’t end up on air, according to multiple sources involved in the show.

    It’s not clear how many transcripts exist. Sources say that some transcribers occasionally stuck to what they felt would end up in the program, while others took notes of what was said, regardless of whether it would air.

    • timpundit

      I am surprised it hasn’t leaked already. I guess TeeVee guards it’s secrets better than government agencies.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    For the first time since I started looking at Donnie Dementos tweets, the Google “Top results” search for “trump tweets” did NOT pull up his own Twitter feed first. The failing NYTimes report was first.

    Guess it’s now “the failing Trump Twitter”.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Nice.

  • lucidamente

    they will consider using a “compulsory process” to ensure a satisfactory response

    Ooh, me likey.

  • Indivisible Snark Tank

    Are they called subpoenas because they’re full of seamen?

    (I don’t get it either, I just wanted to join in the fun of Dick Joke Friday!)

    • The Navy ones are!

      • Reply to self “woulda been funnier if you remembered the acronym JAG in time. Wasted opportunity.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Submariners do it deeper!

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Sub Penis, btw.

    • weejee

      Typical condition for those afflicted with the sub-fingered vulgarian syndrome.

  • LiPao

    Q: What’s the first thing to come out of a dick?
    A: The wrinkles

    • OutOfOrbit

      In tRump’s case it would be “weenkles”.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Now his is a truly “sub” penis.

  • jesterpunk
    • Shoto

      Go 19 states! Can we make it 50-plus?

      • jesterpunk

        The other states havent stopped laughing yet to respond.

        • Lori

          Unfortunately we have several states that would be more than happy to help Kobach screw Dem voters.

          • jesterpunk

            Yeah that is true sadly.

      • Dutchman

        If you say 57 it drives the RWNJs talking points writers out of their tiny lil minds….just sayin’

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      They’ll never get the blue states to comply with this insanity. Good!

      • NotReallyHere

        I wish that were true. I live in a blue state (Washington) but we have a republican Secretary of State. She’s decided she needs to think about whether or not to comply, and has said she’s not going to make a decision until after some big Secretaries of State meeting next week. So, we’ll see I guess.

    • Bananas Foster

      Should crazy right wingers be screaming about the mark of the beast or something? I thought they hated this shit.

    • NastyBossetti

      Kobach told himself that he will not be supplying all of the info he requested to… himself:
      http://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article159113369.html

  • Joe Beese

    Explosive new details on Joeghazi!

    [Brzezinski] said that she had told Melania Trump about the [tightening skin under the neck] procedure when the couple stopped by Mar-a-Lago on New Year’s Eve. “The irony of it all is that Donald kept saying, ‘That’s incredible. You can’t even tell. Who did it? Who did it?’ He kept asking for the name of the doctor. He literally asked 10 times. ‘Is he down here? Who is he?’” Scarborough recalled. (A spokesman from the White House declined to comment.)

    http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2017/06/mika-brzezinski-trump-tweets?mbid=social_twitter

    • Shoto

      Are the on-air Joeghazis! the reason why Mika accepted the proposal?

      Hey, I’m just asking the question. Because Journalamism.

    • The Green Bastard

      That’s good stuff right there. http://www.reactiongifs.com/lol/Obama-lol.gif

    • Vincent Ricola

      I wish I could say I was even a little bit surprised by this story.

    • mancityRed6

      before I left work, I read something about how maybe it was Jared who was the one doing the alleged blackmail, allegedly.

      • Shoto

        I’m guessing Vacuous Prissy Jared ain’t gonna do too well in federal prison.

        • mancityRed6

          depends on how much money he gets in his commissary account.
          or if he gets those “white power” tattoos.

          • Angry Red Bird DGAF

            Well he does run with that crowd now anyway. So….

          • mancityRed6

            is Ivanka the one stopping him from getting the Dick Spencer haircut?

          • Angry Red Bird DGAF

            Probably not. She might be into that.

          • mancityRed6

            I think he’d get accepted to his face just for his current position in the white house and that he’d maybe be able to influence something.
            but deep down, they’d still remember his religion.

      • Angry Red Bird DGAF

        It makes sense to me. He has a temper apparently.

        • mancityRed6

          if I was that much in debt and my dad in law was that prick, I’d always be in a shitty mood.

    • There was an asshole like that in my high school. He would act like a good friend and listen to everyone. But stored up everything he heard, then used it to try and embarrass you in front of other people just to make himself look better, funnier or whatever. And he often distorted what you said to make you look even worse. I really despised that guy.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Can they do that tightening thing for nutsacks?”
      — Donald Trump

  • William

    “Adam Schiff Ready To Cram His Giant Subpoenas Down Trump’s Throat”
    I love it when you talk dirty. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b8084eddadf397ea1248d8405f5229b6fb7d602480c9779999e8c501d9f1954e.png

    • Penalty box, five minutes

    • NastyBossetti

      NO!

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • Jennaratrix

      I kind of hate you right now.

      • Dutchman

        IK, R?

    • Panika MCD

      tower? I thought it was a toothpick.

      • Bananas Foster

        Foundation.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      BLERCCCHHH!

    • mancityRed6

      goddamn that’s nasty

    • The Green Bastard

      The “Trump Tower” is when he fucks you w a rubber cock that he tries to pass off as his own.

    • Tiffany de Houston

      I did not need to see that!

    • mancityRed6

      I don’t think that’s his “O” face so much as he’s napping and having dreams of revenge.

      • Shoto

        Or “Oops, I just shit myself again. Ivanka?!”

      • Vincent Ricola

        *snore grumble* failing Mika and Joe *snore grumble* two scoops *snore grumble* the Targaryens got to do it *snore grumble*

    • Yr. Gma

      Ew.

    • mfp

      jeeves?…
      the brain bleach again!

  • whitroth

    This is *huge*: the *Republicans* are talking about going along with subpoenas.

    Are they turning on Trumpolean, who they loathe? Is this It?

    Tune in next week (or after recess) for the next episode of As The Stomach Turns!

    • ImGoingBacon

      The Edge of Wetness libels!

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    OT: Shooting at Bronx Lebanon Hospital. 4-6 people wounded. Suspect dead. Suspect is believed to be former employee.

    • Damn fucking god damn it

    • Vincent Ricola

      This story is really awful.

    • I guess he didn’t take his oath to “first, do no harm.” That is more frustration and anger than a true attempt at humor, but if it does relieve a little of the sadness, good.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      The accounts also say the shooter used an “AR-15 type long rifle”.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        Of course they did. “When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.”

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          I remember when people couldn’t just buy military grade weapons at their local Sam’s Club.

          Of course, not that this is related but the NRA did release a new ad the other day. . .

          • Suttree

            Were those the good old days? /ffs

    • TJ Barke

      Thank god we live in a place where disgruntled employees can’t just buy incredibly deadly weapons with which they can exact a murderous revenge on their coworkers. Oh wait…

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Make you think twice before you break into someone else’s lunch, I guess.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Democrats are playing the long game and from what I understand from IC members on twitter that is what needs be but god I want this to be over.

    • Panika MCD

      we don’t want to blow our wad too early or it’ll just get splooge all over the wall.

      • We can’t play it early. All we have left is the long game and taking things one very tiny step at a time

  • arealbaby

    I just have to see “cramming” and “dick” and I know without even checking the author that I’m in for a treat from Evan Hurst. Thank you dear.

    • bupkus231

      Are you implying Evan has some kinda fixation?

      • arealbaby

        Implying? Yes.

        Appreciating? Also yes.

  • baconzgood

    This White House wouldn’t comply with an impeachment. I swear, if he gets impeached he will barricade himself in and scream and kick.

    • Vincent Ricola

      That’s what I’m tuning in for!

    • jesterpunk

      That will be even better watching the secret service dragging his ass out in cuffs while he is crying.

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        I hope is the Secret Service and the Marines.

        • mfp

          hell, i have hopes that one day the FBI will show up at the white house door with warrants and handcuffs, asking the secret sevice to please step aside, so they can perp-walk the fat crying baby and his crew down the lawn to the waiting paddy wagons

        • CindyinEncinitas

          I hope it is a bunch of 6’5″ Muslim lesbians with really huge hands, whatever branch of government they work for.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Out of the spider hole

    • Alex Grey

      …and Tweet.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        That’s a good point. He’ll live tweet the entire thing. It’ll be more epic than the slow speed Bronco chase.

        • CindyinEncinitas

          That would totally make my summer!

        • mfp

          or the bus jump in that keanu Speed movie!

    • Haven’t more than a few dictators tried that sort of a strategy (usually with guns involved somehow)?

    • Lori

      I will pay cash money for video of the Secret Service and the Capital Police using one of those little battering rams to break into the residence and haul the giant orange man-baby out of the people’s house.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I will add $50 if somehow Rudy Ghouliani is with him and they have to use one of those Hannibal Lecter mouthballs to stop him from biting law enforcement.

        • I really wish they would use one of those mouthballs on him before his rallies.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      You’re right, baconz. It’s gonna get uglier than we’ve ever witnessed.

    • TJ Barke

      I hope they have to send in the SEALs to get him out or something.

      • proudgrampa

        THAT would be something I’d watch. With popcorn.

      • Lori

        On one hand, he is beneath the SEALs’ dignity.

        On the other hand, fuck ’em. They should make the SEALs who were riding around with a Trumpence flag on their military vehicle (in violation of regs) do it, followed by doing about 1000 push-ups* while reciting a detailed apology for ever having supported him.

        *It takes a lot of push-ups to make an impression on SEALs. A lot. A disturbingly high percentage of them are total RWNJ, but they’re RWNJ who are in shape.

      • whitroth

        I think it would be either the Congressional Police (under the Sargeant at Arms), or the Secret Service.

        That is, after the gunfight, when the Orange Fool’s personal, non-SS security team tries to shoot their way out.

    • Suttree

      It will make the perp walk that much more enjoyable. Maybe they can trick him into a sedan chair by saying that he’s now king, and then lock him inside.

    • Resistance Fighter Puipui
  • lucidamente
    • Joe Beese

      Did Donna Rose witness the face bleeding?

  • Joe Beese

    You’ll be glad to learn that Jared Kushner’s services to the country, including extorting fealty from cable news hosts, have not cost you a penny.

    However, Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer, and Reince Preibus cost $179,700 each.

    https://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/whitehouse.gov/files/docs/disclosures/07012017-report-final.pdf

    • msanthropesmr

      Hey – if it keeps them off the streets, harassing folks.

  • Morningside

    You’re so funny, Evan.

  • Dutchman

    Here a peen
    There a peen
    Everywhere a peen peen

    That’s all I have to say about that.

    • Bananas Foster

      What to call a group of peens…

      I like the idea of a parade!

      • Latverian Diplomat

        A porsche of pricks?

      • The Green Bastard

        A stand of dicks

      • Vecchioivan

        A phalanx of phalluses?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Is that all you could come up with?

      • Dutchman

        Sadly, yes. Been a long tough week.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        A caucus of…well, you know.

    • mfp

      peen-peen is as peen-peen does

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Mah mother always used to say, lahf’s lahk a box of peens

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Old Macdonald had a peen
      E-I-E-I-OHHHHhhhhhhh

  • mfp

    how many dick jokes can i handle in one post?…pffft…Bring It!

    also, too…did adam schiff and mike conaway pass that yellow tie back-forth on congressional photo day?

    • BOTH SIDES!

      • mfp

        see?…SEEEEEE?!!!1!1!1!

    • mancityRed6

      they called each other up the night before
      “dude, are we gonna wear the same tie?”
      “hell, yes. it will freak them out!”

      • Latverian Diplomat

        One of my favorites from the double standard joke book.

        When two women go to event wearing the same outfit, they are upset.

        When two men go to an event wearing the same outfit,they are relieved. They know they didn’t make a mistake.

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    Schiff and Conaway. Sounds like a shady pair to me.

    • Shoto

      The new “Martin & Lewis?”

    • whitroth

      You skipper the Schiff, and we’ll Conaway from here.

  • Pat_Pending

    Sub-penis! Sub-penis! Salt peanuts! Salt peanuts!

    Sorry, I just had surgery; this is as witty as I get this week…

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      hehe!

    • mfp

      painpills kickin in, are they?aaaahahahahaaaaa

    • HorseChestnut

      Every time I say “boiled peanuts” it comes out sounding like “bull penis.”

      • mancityRed6

        just the fact that you have the occasion to say “boiled peanuts” says south to me.

        • whitroth

          They’re a South’rn thing.

          • mancityRed6

            oh, I know. when I was in Tennessee, my boss was from Alabama. I know how it sounds like “bull penis”

        • Lori

          Boiled peanuts. There’s an unpleasant memory of my time in the South. My mom used to say that they tasted like raw lima beans and she wasn’t wrong.

          • mancityRed6

            1 year in Tennessee, never had them.
            now, the deep fried peanuts where you can eat the shell? not that bad.

          • Lori

            Deep frying renders almost anything edible. In many cases devoid of nutrition, but edible.

      • whitroth

        And Trumponlin et al are goin’ down, down, down, into that burnin’ ring o’ fahre….

      • shoeflyin

        Isn’t that the correct pronunciation? 🤑
        I had to live here almost 50 years before I tried them. Think southern edamame.

    • Vecchioivan
    • CindyinEncinitas

      I hope you’re feeling better soon. Or that at least you don’t run out of drugs.

    • proudgrampa

      Ask for the fentanyl. You’ll see hippos in tutus, and you’ll love it!

      • FlownΩver

        Fantasia LIBELZ!!11!111!11

      • Kiri the Unicorn
        • proudgrampa

          Swear to FSM, that is EXACTLY what it was like!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      When you aim the cordless phone at the tv and expect it to change channels, you know those pain meds are working right. Feel better

  • HorseChestnut

    “What does Louise Mensch think about this?” says nobody.

    • Jennaratrix

      Oh god. Has she been thoroughly debunked and thrown on the trash heap of history yet?

    • Vincent Ricola

      Who?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    It’s OK to make penis jokes. This week has been long, hard, and uncut.

    • idk, been a bit of a short, flaccid one for me……

      • CindyinEncinitas

        My week could cut diamonds.

        • whitroth

          Not quite that bad, but not fun. Plus, I got two CAT scans: one, I had to take off work, and get pre-authorized… and the other involved lying in bed, listening to the purrrrrrr

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Probably all the defensive drinking?

    • MrTusks

      And it took a crazy left turn at the end.

      amirite fellas

      • FlownΩver

        That depends – left handed, or right?

  • Joe Beese

    Oh, yeah… fuck you.

    President Donald Trump has broken with recent precedent by not recognizing June as LGBT Pride Month.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/06/30/politics/trump-pride-month/index.html

    • Also refusing to celebrate the end of Ramadan. Although, I bet if Trump ever got a real hole in one he would try to proclaim a national day of celebration.

      • whitroth

        The real question is whether he recognizes which way is up.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Testicular sway. There, I said it.

    • mancityRed6

      I really wish you hadn’t.

  • Angry Red Bird DGAF

    This isn’t the open thread but I just wanted to say that I finally got to watch “Southside with You” and I loved it. Two wings up!

  • proudgrampa

    Tee hee! You said “subpoenas.”

  • Ryan Denniston

    No subpoenas, no subpoenas. You’re the subpoenas!

    • whitroth

      But are they sub rosa? Oh, sorry, that’s Kellyanne’s job, since Melania won’t go down on him.

  • cheetojeebus

    I remember the dick joke blizzard of ’88, It was a horror. That was a long hard night. They had ’em stacked like cordwood i tell’s ya. These young uns today……..

  • Joe Beese

    I suppose there are a variety of defenses available here. Michael Flynn and his son can say that they never authorized Mr. Smith to use their names or their company in this manner. The Trump administration has already said that Mr. Smith had no role in their campaign and was acting as a free agent. At the time, even the Flynns were more informal advisers and supporters than salaried members of Trump’s campaign team. And, of course, Mr. Smith is now dead and unavailable to testify in court or provide further information to the Special Counsel.

    But the alleged involvement of the Flynns in this activity is close to a smoking gun when you consider what subsequently transpired. I won’t detail all of that here, except to remind you that Trump ignored all advice and warnings and made the elder Flynn his national security adviser, refused to fire him even when told he was likely compromised by the Russians, and fired James Comey after the FBI Director refused to follow his request to drop his investigation of Flynn.

    If nothing else, the case that Trump was attempting to conceal something and obstruct justice when he asked that Flynn’s connections to the Russians be dropped just got closer to a slam-dunk.

    http://www.boomantribune.com/story/2017/6/30/12361/0681

    • TJ Barke

      How not to helicopter.

      • s’posed to be a gif…….

      • Lori

        IDK. There’s some skill involved in getting it upside down like that without setting it on fire.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Can you believe I’ve only had one lesson??”

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “OK, I think I’ve mastered hovering, what’s next?”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In the face of budget cuts, NASA develops creative approach to centrifuge training.

    • TundraGrifter

      “They didn’t tell me that from in here the earth looks upside down.”

  • bookish

    https://www.propublica.org/article/presidential-commission-demands-massive-amounts-of-state-voter-data

    A number of experts, as well as at least one state official, reacted with a mix of alarm and bafflement. Some saw political motivations behind the requests, while others said making such information public would create a national voter registration list, a move that could create new election problems.

    “You’d think there would want to be a lot of thought behind security and access protocols for a national voter file, before you up and created one,” said Justin Levitt, a professor at Loyola University School of Law and former Department of Justice civil rights official. “This is asking to create a national voter file in two weeks.”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I don’t what’s more shocking, a Democrat and a Republican working together or a California and a Texan who can stand to be in the same room together.

  • Joe Beese
  • II Gosala

    I for one am willing to believe that Trump has a subpenis.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Subpeonas always aim to please

  • Canis Greyhame

    It would make more sense to be helicoptering into their faces, like subpoenas dick-slap.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Mike Conaway is ready to play helicopter with his subpoenas too!”

    Is that anything like “motorboat?” If it is, I’m in!

  • jesterpunk

    Uday and Qusay have responded to this post.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rkoPQc7gRc

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