By now you know Donald Trump took a Trump-branded shit on his own message Thursday morning (did you know it was “Energy Week”? Us neither) by sending two tweets six minutes apart about how MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski is a gross Nasty Woman who gets face-lifts and proceeds to face-bleed all over the gold-plated sconces of Mar-a-Lago. We don’t know why there was a six minute lag time between the tweets. Maybe it just takes his tiny hands that long to finger-punch out tweets. Maybe his brain isn’t good enough to sound out words and compose sentences any faster. Maybe he was hunkered over the toilet concentrating on pooping out the burnt steak brick ‘n’ ketchup he had for dinner last night before he finished his very important presidential thought about Brzezinski.
And wouldn’t you know it, but a tiny handful (tiny enough for Trump to hold!) of Republicans are DISMAYED and SHOCKED and APPALLED by Trump’s tweets! They are so saddened and upsetted they decided to SAY SOMETHING. Let’s take a look!
Hey Congressional Republicans! Are you just WELL-I-NEVER-ING all over the place?
You tell ’em, Ben Sasse and Lindsey Graham! Having said that, Ben Sasse is now free to go back to voting for Trump’s agenda 95.2% of the time, while Lindsey Graham may carry on voting with Trump 93% of the time. But these two men (both of whom not-so-secretly hate Trump) are right. Good job saying so!
Next, here’s dead-eyed Senator James Lankford of Oklahoma:
Very nice statement! Lankford, having done his part to encourage the barely elected president to ACT SWEET, may now continue voting for Trump’s agenda at the insane rate of 97.7% of the time.
Here’s Speaker Paul Ryan (Trump score 100%), who grew enough of a spine this morning to say the tweets were not “appropriate,” then immediately pivoted to shilling about the Republican agenda. Good job, Mister Speaker!
Paul Ryan on Trump’s tweets: Not appropriate pic.twitter.com/LuZoLjopyp
— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) June 29, 2017
Known Republican woman Rep. Lynn Jenkins, who has a truly alarming Trump score of 100%:
She’s completely right of course. Maybe in the future she will say it WITH VOTES.
Senator Susan Collins (Trump score 86%):
Senator John McCain (90.5%) and Rep. Carlos Curbelo (90.9 %):
Senator Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia (Trump score 97.6%) added that what Trump said was “distasteful,” like OH MY STARS.
Good job, all you Republicans in Congress! You did a really good job of saying Trump said the bad words and we should be more civil! Now go back to being Trump’s legislative lapdogs, and maybe afterward, you will get Snausages!
And now a word from the women of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!
Noted anti-cyber-bullying activist Melania Trump, who also is the First Lady of America, knew just what to say:
That’s right! Punch back! Punch the lady in her face-lifted face! When the mean lady on MSNBC says something that pierces the thin, pock-marked skin of the man with the nuclear codes, he’s gotta punch back!
White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders chimed in on Fox News:
The White House response: “This is a president who fights fire with fire and certainly will not be allowed to be bullied by liberal media.” pic.twitter.com/R5VO8vXCyP
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) June 29, 2017
This is a president who fights fire with fire and certainly will not be allowed to be bullied by liberal media and the liberal elites within the media or Hollywood or anywhere else. […] I have seen far worse things come out of that show … directed not just at the president but everyone around him. And again this president isn’t going to sit back and not push back and he’s going to fight fire with fire and I think that’s exactly what he did today.
Awwwwww, the poor crybaby Trump got BULLIED, so he had to bully Mika RIGHT BACK! Holy shit, Sanders, you have officially rendered yourself unemployable after the Trump presidency ends, which at this rate, could be any day now.
The Daily Beast caught up with a couple of White House officials, who may or may not be women, so we’ll just include them right here:
“This is who the president is,” one official noted, adding the tweets were at least better than those about the travel ban or James Comey.
“At least you’re writing [about] this and not that we’re going to kill millions of people,” another White House official said, referencing the awful coverage of Trumpcare.
Oh, we’re still writing about that, don’t worry your little dick off, anonymous White House official!
On the other hand, the media is ready to fuck that motherfucker the fuck up.
In our post this morning, we included a tweet (retweeted by Mika’s sexxx lover Joe Scarborough) from Mark Kornblau, head of PR for MSNBC. It sums up how all sentient Americans feel right now:
That wasn’t MSNBC’s official statement, though it would have worked fine. This is the network’s official response:
That’s all well and good! Fake News CNN is pissed too:
It’s funny because CNN has been in the middle of a shitstorm this week over publishing a Trump-Russia scandal story that was likely only about 89% right. They took that story down, but if they feel like putting it back up just to stick their dick in Trump’s eye, Wonkette offers the following headline as a suggestion:
On Second Thought, This Trump-Russia Story Might Not Be Totally Perfect, But Good GOD Donald Trump Is A Cunt.
They don’t even have to pay us royalties! (Please pay us royalties.)
In conclusion, go fuck yourself Donald Trump and HOLY SHIT WAIT UP, Trump’s tweets about Mika weren’t only asshol-ish and disgusting, they were also LIES? We are FOR SHOCKED!
CNN’s Brian Stelter tweeted a picture of Mika Brzezinski at Mar-a-Lago, during the time when she was allegedly COVERED IN FACE-LIFT BLOOD:
Fucktroll babyhands popular vote loser can’t even do misogyny without lying. Weak! Sad!
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