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A white power dude lying? Inthinkable!

There’s this tough guy named Tim Gionet, see? Posts on Twitter as “Baked Alaska.” He’s the mug who was given the heave-ho from the big pre-inauguration DeploraBall for being too openly Nazi-like for the taste of fascist-lite yegg Mike Cernovich. He’s a big cheese in the small world of basement-dwelling anime fapping cake-sniffers in the “alt-right.” So this Gionet character says his bodyguard, Antonio Foreman, got in a scrape and was the victim of an anti-white, anti Trump “hate crime” Saturday night, when Foreman was stabbed after an argument with two skels in a parking garage. The toughs who got braceleted, Edgar Khodzhasaryan and Arsen Bekverdyan, are cooling their heels on charges of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon, but the coppers aren’t buying the hate crime claims.

On Twitter, Gionet — who didn’t see the hit — claimed the attackers were a whole “pack of dudes” who called Foreman terrible ethnic slurs:

Gionet also claimed that an LAPD dick had told him that the very last thing the Bruno heard before he conked out was “You’re getting the shank, White Boy,” and that the white-hating bad guys were Armenians:

Yeah, Armenian thugs who hate whites, even though Armenians consider themselves white. It don’t figure, you ask us.

The newshawks say the flatfoots won’t give Baked Alaska the time of day:

Prosecutors did not file a hate crime enhancement with the charges, [LA District Attorney’s office spokesperson Sarah] Ardalani said. Lt. Saul Rodriguez, a Santa Monica Police Department spokesman, said the attack was spurred by an argument.

“There’s nothing here that would lead us to believe it was targeted or a hate crime or anything like that,” Rodriguez said.

Here’s how the rumble happened, sez Rodriguez:

Khodzhasaryan and Bekverdyan were exiting the parking structure and attempting to call for a parking attendant to help them operate the gate around 11 p.m. on Saturday when the victim “made a comment to the suspects which led to an argument,” Rodriguez said.

All three men exited their vehicles and a fistfight erupted, Rodriguez said. The suspects fled a short time later, and the victim realized he had been stabbed, according to Rodriguez. The victim, whom Rodriguez would not identify, was transported to an area hospital in critical condition.

Sounds to us like Foreman’s mouth was writin’ checks his body couldn’t cash, you get our drift. We’re just glad none of these goons was carryin’ heaters, or it coulda gotten ugly.

No big surprise, the Stupidest Blog on the Internet initially called the palookas “Armenian gang members.” That load of hooey is now gone (it’s still in the URL) but not before it was snapped by Tariq Rashid on the Twitter box. Rashid said the scribblers at the Gateway Pundit don’t know beans about LA gangs, either:

So maybe instead of almost taking a dirt nap because he was just a nice white guy minding his own business when Armenian hatchet men tried to put the kibosh on him, it’s looking like Foreman got a visit to the sawbones because he opened his big yap when it wasn’t his turn to open his big yap. Baked Alaska saw all the positive ink Steve Scalise was getting from being shot, and he wanted a piece of the action. But it’s not a hate crime, just another sad story, one of a million in the naked city.

Yr Wonkette needs your money, see? You can help us out by clicking the “Donate” button, see? Be a real shame is something was to happen to your hard drive, now wouldn’t it?

[LAT / Newsweek]

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  • whitroth

    Y’know, Armenians have come from closer to the Caucuses Mountains than any of the alt-wrongers, and so have a better claim to being Caucasian….

    And there really *is* something wrong with the alt-wrong. I mean, what outlaw biker in a bar (or online) would call himself “baked alaska”. That sounds sooooo tough, that you might melt if the sun hits you.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Aren’t the Armenians supposed to be starving?

    No Turkee for them.

  • Joe Beese

    “You’re getting the shank, white boy!” will be useful in so many contexts, I can’t even begin.

    • JustDon’tSayShank

      time for a nym change!

    • therblig

      you’re getting the wank, shite boy!

  • Vincent Ricola

    “You’re getting the shank, White Boy”

    LOL!

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Baked Alaska has jumped the shank.

  • Claire

    Fuck’s sake. Who goes out of their way to blame their stabbing on Armenians? Of all the random countries of origin to be bigoted against.

    • Michael Smith

      Well, they were the victims of a genocide (or, as the Turks like to call it, a minimally harmful temporary transition from one region to another with great care taken for the safety of the travelers), and I think that alt right people have a low opinion of ethnic groups that allow themselves to be put in such a situation.

      • Jamoche

        Then they ended up in Iran, and then became refugees in 1980. I had a friend when I was in high school who was an Armenian refugee – during the hostage crisis the principal of the high school called her into his office to grill her on what “her people” were doing to Americans. My grandmother was a cafeteria lady; my friend went crying to her and Grandma stormed into his office and ripped him a new one.

        • Michael Smith

          That is horrible. Americans seem to have such a high number of people who know absolutely nothing of world affairs, yet feel entitled – nay, compelled! – to bash other people over the head with their incredibly incorrect interpretations of things.

        • Persistent Demme

          I will never again be surprised by the bs that educated people can spew.
          I learned my lesson, when my daughter went to a pediatrician, (a PEDIATRICIAN!!) when we were visiting someone.
          I noticed his Italian-sounding surname, and asked if he had ever gone to Italy (we were talking about travel).
          “Oh no, never!” he said.
          “Italy is a communist country!”

      • Claire

        I’d ask if the average alt-right troll even knows about the Armenian genocide, but I decided I’d rather not know.

        • Michael Smith

          I doubt they know about it, which is probably best because if they did, they’d be all for it.

    • whitroth

      Well, back when the world was young, I was at a convention, and the hotel had booked four conventions at the same time, and one was Armenian-Americans, and they were truly the most obnoxious drunks I’ve seen, as a group.

      My late ex excepted.

    • grindstone

      He just watched “Wag the Dog” and meant to say Albania.

  • Vincent Ricola

    We’ve really got to do something about all these Armenian gangs that stabbed Seth Rogen.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      IKR? I was wondering if it was just a couple of guys who really HATED “Pineapple Express”.

    • FlownΩver

      Actually I’m OK with that.

  • Michael Smith

    Even this lie will have the desired effect. The people to whom it is directed will accept it as absolute fact, and will view all contrary evidence as lies and distortions by a hostile media and state.

    I mean, he asked for prayers on Twitter! The kind of person who asks for prayers on Twitter would never spread a blood libel to rally political support!

  • There’s a mountain range that’s partly in Armenia called the Caucasus. It is literally where the word/people “Caucasian” comes from. ARMENIANS ARE WHITE, YOU STUPID TURDJUGGLING BIGOT.

    • doktorzoom

      THE CAUCUSES WERE RIGGED!!!!!!!!!!

      • Michael Smith

        hahaha

      • Rugged?

      • JustDon’tSayCovfefe

        God_DAMN I love reading the comments here. Too bad they aren’t allowed.

        • Persistent Demme

          They’re the best, right?
          I HEART the Wonkteers!!

    • Fartknocker

      Turdjuggling Bigot is the name I’m going to give to the very large Red Faced Angus bull I just purchased for the Fartknocker Rodeo Supply Company.

      • msanthropesmr

        Do you have Bobby from San Bernardino to pull the rope one the chute when they let those suckers go?

    • shivaskeeper

      You and your “facts”. There is no place for those in the Nazi Party.

  • Bananas Foster

    Obviously it wasn’t an anti-white thing.

    It was an anti-ginger thing.

  • Please tell me it was also dark and stormy that night.

    Kudos, Dok.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      And the winner of this year’s Bulwer-Lytton award is…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It was a dark and stormy non-comment.

    • grindstone

      Serious dearth of leggy brunette smoking sweet caporals. You know, the brunette with the gams. A real doll, that one. Whispers in your ear while she’s slippin’ in the shank. Give her a diamond, and you get a diamondback.

      • The Wanderer

        “It was one of those nights when L.A. felt like an overripe fig.”

      • That’s just swell.

      • therblig

        She gave me her name. It sounded French. Figures. She was a real eyeful, a towering beauty…

      • FlownΩver

        Los Angeles: He walks again by night! Relentlessly…Ruthlessly…Doggedly…towards his weekly meeting with the unknown.

        • BrianW

          “I wonder where Ruth is?”

  • timpundit

    Where did they carve the backwards “B” on him?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      On his shank?

  • laughingnome

    Were there dames? There had ta been dames.

    • I bet they had killer gams, too.

      • laughingnome

        Gams like you never seen. The kind your mother warned you about. If you had a mother.

        • grindstone

          Pins, stems, getaway sticks. You know — up to here those gams.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Don’t mess with the Kardashians. You can’t keep up.

    • therblig

      ask any Bajoran

  • TJ Barke

    The fascists all want to pretend they’re victims. When you’re a victim, you can justify retaliation.

  • shivaskeeper

    Two graphs in I said to myself, said I, “I bet these idiots started some verbal shit with the wrong people.”

    Graph six, lo, these idiots started some verbal shit with the wrong people.

    This is what happens when these fucksticks buy into their own hype about how badass they are.

    • tomamitai

      Also too, you never get out of the car; when the other guy does, drive away!

      • shivaskeeper

        Possibly. Good fighter or good runner. If you ate not one of two don’t talk shit.

  • therblig

    i’d rather eat a bowl of vampire bats
    than spend an hour with alt-right prats

    cake-sniffers indeed

  • anwisok
  • WomanInThePersistence
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Ok, god, I was drunk and belligerent and there was a globe nearby. Did they really have to make a book out of it?!?

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Albania Armenia.

      • therblig

        except to trumpanzees

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Oh, you’re so right! Sorry, I had inventory this morning and apparently my reading comprehension skills are more than a little below par. I’ll edit. And thank you!

    • tomamitai

      Don’t feel too bad, I was getting ready to post a clip of Peter Falk in “Tune In Tomorrow” when I realised my error.

  • janecita

    I’m sorry, but I’m not praying for him. Fuck him, and all his Nazi wannabe, pussy friends.

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    OK. Armenia is in the Caucasus mountains. These fuckers call themselves Caucasian, which means “from the Caucasus.” Am I missing something here?

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      It’s actually a little bit south of the Caucasus mountains (Georgia is in the way), but it’s not really like white people actually originated there so fuck it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair, there are virulently anti-Caucasian Caucasians.

      Examples: Donald Trump, Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon….

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    “You’re getting the shank, White Boy.”

    That sounds exactly like something someone would say in the middle of a fight. Why doesn’t the LAPD ever investigate reports of awkwardly worded threats against white people?

    • therblig

      sounds like another day at the all-albino butcher shop

    • It’s almost as bad/unrealistic as “Acid is groovy, kill the pigs!”

      • Little Lulu Ω

        Oops…I said the same just minutes ago. Now I look utterly foolish. Remind me to flaggelate myself for not reading the comments before posting. (But I can probably be forgiven since comments aren’t allowed. Well, flaggelating myself anyway.)

        • Nah, the fact that we both thought of it just proves MacDonald is full of shit. (Are you by any chance a fan of the podcast My Favorite Murder? If not, check it out!)

    • The Wanderer

      It was like Dragonball Z, with all of the long-winded speeches at the start and end of each fight.

    • clubseal

      It was between that and “I am stabbing you postehaste, Caucasian!”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Sirrah, avaunt, vile Caucasian as I perform stabbance upon you forthwith.

      • As noted elsewhere, the Caucasian Mountains are partly in ARMENIA!!!

        • clubseal

          How meta. The stabber must indeed hate himself!

    • AJ Milne

      It’s not just a hate crime… It’s a crime against screenwriting!

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Are we sure they didn’t stab a backwards B into his skin?

  • That looks like the smartest guy I’ve ever seen in a coma.
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/EvWx1BeeRyyJi/giphy-facebook_s.jpg?t=1

    • Jon Sussex

      It’s the glasses.

  • Wild Cat

    Fuck, man, that William Saroyan is not only ancient, but he is one bad dude.

  • janecita

    Did these Armenian gangsters have huge asses, and fake boobs? I think I might have found them!!! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8b2a4a8c92435d853be0472c53a4cac194aeebde5c3bfe3f6e920c677a723bae.jpg

    • ariel_gee_398

      I think they’re more domestic terrorists than gangsters.

    • Blackest Noobs

      i hear the sisters are quite stabby

    • aureolaborealis
      • janecita

        That’s one awesome picture!

        • Meccalopolis

          Badonkadonk

    • Little Lulu Ω

      I always thought Kim Kardashian looks like a talking magpie.

      • janecita

        That’s an insult to magpies! They are beautiful, and highly intelligent.

  • Tovarish Z

    Love the “Naked City” reference. One of my favorite film noires

  • ariel_gee_398

    Did police find several fedoras and a Dashiell Hammett novel in the victim’s car?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      It’s cute that you think this guy reads.

  • DL

    You forgot the cherry on top of this story….his buddies are requesting donations to help with his medical care because he doesn’t have health insurance anymore.
    Yet another in the long line of idiots who think repeating the magical words “Trump’s America” means your abusive daddy will appear and save your ass, when in reality, Trump only CASHES your checks. He doesn’t write them for you!

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Priceless.

  • Wild Cat

    “Play the funky stabbed music, white boy!”

    • janecita

      “He isn’t pretty fly.”

      • Wild Cat

        Curtis Mayweather.
        O them wuz the days . . .

      • Natalie

        “For a white guy.” I like the line about “They’ll kick his lily-ass.” I loved The Offspring.

        • janecita

          Me too! They still tour, which I basically found out 2 minutes ago, I’m going to try to go see them:-)

          • Natalie

            As my friend says “No effluent?”

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    if nazis are truly the “master race”, why do they ALL look like THAT?

  • Ωbjectifier
    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Is that what the kids are calling them these days?

  • Jamoche

    https://apnews.com/d71bf1b8c2304329866441ec4089760f?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=AP_Politics

    “The Wall Street Journal on Wednesday fired its highly regarded chief foreign affairs correspondent after evidence emerged of his involvement in prospective commercial deals — including one involving arms sales to foreign governments — with an international businessman who was one of his key sources.”

    Umm…

    “I clearly made mistakes in my reporting and entered into a world I didn’t understand.” Solomon told the AP on Wednesday.

    Er, you’re the foreign affairs correspondent. Isn’t understanding that, like, your job?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Would you like to Bob Mueller, Mr. Sololmon?

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    I remember when stabbing nazis was a thing you got the medal of honor for.

  • Joe Beese

    Not good.

    The Islamic State on Wednesday night destroyed Mosul’s centuries-old al-Nuri Grand Mosque and its distinctive leaning minaret, one of Iraq’s most famous landmarks, according to an Iraqi military statement.

    Shortly after the military’s report, the terrorist group used its news agency to claim that the mosque had actually been destroyed by an American airstrike. It was not immediately possible to confirm either account.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/21/world/middleeast/mosul-nuri-mosque-isis.html

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Let’s see… young men, stupid violence. Could alcohol and testosterone poisoning have been involved?

    • shivaskeeper

      They just started believing they were as badass as they think they are. Protip: if you ate going to talk shit you had better be a good fighter or a good runner. Obvs these idiots were neither.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Baked Alaska: “Last words he heard. ‘You’re getting a shank white boy.’
    Alt Rider: “What was the race of the attackers?”
    Baked Alaska: “I’m told it was Armenian.”

    Ohgoddamn’! I did an actual spit take’…….. That is the funniest thing I’ve heard in days. Comedy gold. Reads like a perfect little skit.
    Didn’t see it coming. Too…too funny.

    https://img.ifcdn.com/images/1b63e7bd345f846c538bc5cb6bfb5618776de1d1fd43af438dd05947d0ffa7d5_1.jpg

  • shivaskeeper

    Also, too this write up of Joe Greenstein, The Mighty Atom, and old time Jewish strongman includes how to deal with American Nazis

    http://www.badassoftheweek.com/index.cgi?id=651068116795

  • Wild Cat

    “Foreman? Oh, he’s one of George’s.”

  • arglebargle
  • Indivisible Snark Tank
  • The Wanderer

    “White boy.”
    Pardon me, but when I was growing up, that was descriptive, not pejorative.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Who wrote that dialog, Roman Polanski?

    • laughingnome

      Forget it, Jake. It’s Wonkette-town.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Tell me, Mr. Alaska: Does this often happen to you?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Only when I’m baked.

        • Oblios_Cap

          “Only when I’m baked.”

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Oh, a dead tie!

          • Oblios_Cap

            GMTA

    • Wild Cat

      Nah. He’s into nose-sltting.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Ed Wood.

      • The Wanderer

        Coleman Francis.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Lighten up, Francis…

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Holly wood too…

  • Oblios_Cap

    It’s almost like getting a backward “A” carved into his cheek. How hateful!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    That’s the worst justification for the Armenian genocide I’ve ever heard.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Why didn’t Baked Alaska tell his bodyguard to “Walk it off, SNOWFLAKE!”. For being such master race tough guys, they are awfully delicate. Even Hitler was able to walk off getting almost blowed up to smithereens that one time. Amateurs…

  • msanthropesmr

    Won’t someone do something about Caucasian on Caucasian violence?

    • Oblios_Cap

      The horror!

  • elviouslyqueer

    It’s hard to take somebody seriously who nicknames themselves after a passe 70’s dessert.

    • Wild Cat

      I had him down as Junket.

      • elviouslyqueer

        That’s very Trifle-ing of you.

    • msanthropesmr

      I’m tomato aspic McGee, and this is my jello loaf gang.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He could at least used the name “Bananas Foster.”

      • elviouslyqueer

        “Meringue Julius.”

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          They finally had to kick Barry Tart out of the gang for getting a little too friendly with Melon Balls Deluxe

          • Meccalopolis

            Bananas foster is a cuck!

      • Ωbjectifier

        Cherries Jubilee!

      • Indivisible Snark Tank
        • elviouslyqueer
        • Lori

          I’m a child of the 70s and even I know carrots (or celery) in jello are just wrong. I don’t know who thought that up, but they needed to be kept out of the kitchen.

        • Maggielle

          It looks weird without the Miracle Whip.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      The cool kids are into the 90s nostalgia now. I’m thinking of changing my name to Viennetta

      • elviouslyqueer

        I saw that somebody local is throwing a “90s Retro Dance Party,” which gave me every single last one of the sads.

        • Lori

          A decade or so ago the local oldies station in LA started playing The Police. I almost died of old age right there on the 405 freeway.

          I understand your pain.

  • Lori

    Did the “bodyguard” (Note: Whut?) get stabbed 9 times or did he notice he’d been stabbed only after the attackers ran away? Adrenalin is indeed a wonder drug, but it seems like he would have noticed being stabbed 9 times. Were 8 of the “stab” wounds actually cuts? Inquiring minds don’t really want to spend any more time on this, but the story smells fishy.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Depends on the size of the knife (those look like pretty shallow knife wounds), but you’d be astonished what you don’t even notice when on adrenaline. I was able to crawl 30 yards uphill in the snow with a shattered pelvis, tailbone, and ruptured spleen. I thought at the time that my leg *might* be broken.

      • Lori

        I defer to your expertise in this area. My experience with adrenaline and injury is less…extreme.

        • Maggielle

          Me too, and may I add, “Yikes!”

  • Blackest Noobs

    are we sure this oathkeeper didnt stab himself…these fuckers shoot themselves often, why not accidently knifing themselves too.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paxk_LPmdMI

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik
      • Skeptical_thinker

        I do *NOT* roll on the floor laughing my ass off.

        Generally.

        This made me do that.

      • Meccalopolis

        I think there’s a dubstep version that’s equally hilarious

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Bill D. Burger

    Davit Petrosyan from Dilijan is not amused with this slight to his people and is writing an angry tweet to ‘Baked Alaska’ at this very moment:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d3d4e5b918847ce2fbdee685ff7d8ee1b605516242cbea1ae3b250eea2465b6c.jpg

  • Wild Cat

    I think it’s touching that the nurses attached the oxygen tube from his ass to his nose—now he can bask in the joy of his own white-supremacist farts.

  • therblig

    I was born…..an American!
    I was raised…an American!
    And I’ll die…an American!
    In America,with Armenians!

    • Me not sure

      Extra points for Firesign reference.🌟

      • Alt-dog

        Put on that wide belt and work-shirt and tell it like it was.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The “alt-right” is made up of vile losers who desperately need attention, apparently.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      And, hilariously, health insurance. This is all an attempt to get money for the dumb bastard’s GoFundMe.

      • Lori

        Of course there’s a GoFundMe. Our economy & healthcare system are so fucked that the GoFundMe is practically one of the stages of grief at this point. It’s also the best thing to happen to grifters since Gold Line.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What, and he didn’t also tie the attack to violent left-wing rhetoric? Amateur.

    • Rick Hill

      Poor baby is still in the hospital and hasn’t had a chance to conflate his story, yet. Soon, it will have been twenty big black guys and fifty feminazis, all with laser guided sharks!!

      • Lori

        I would watch that movie.

    • sincarne

      No, but the commenters in the LAT article managed to blame it on the SPLC, because they say mean things about Oathkeepers.

  • mackafritz

    An excuse to post System of a Down.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSvFpBOe8eY

    • aureolaborealis

      I’ll allow it.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      A blast from the past. My stepson, HS class of 2007, loved System of a Down.

  • Rick Hill

    It’s obvious that even guns will not keep these poor boys safe. They need to blend with their surroundings, become Ninja…invisible….
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aZgbZRX_700b.jpg

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      All I see is desert.

      • Rick Hill

        Look to the far right, by the trees, then go down about an eighth of a click, Right by that scrub brush is a platoon of Maureens.

        • Marion in Savannah

          That made me snort in a most unseemly manner!

        • Skeptical_thinker

          O’Sullivan or O’Hara?

      • JustDon’tSayShank

        It’s practicing not being seen.

      • All I see is dessert.

  • Baked Alaska needs to lay off the Jim Thompson and review his William Goldman and S. Morgenstern.

    “Never go in against the Armenians when death is on the line.”

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Next thing you know, this Alaska fellow will be starting a land war in Asia.

  • La forza del resistino

    the last Armenian gang I encountered sold rugs at inflated prices.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      I think I know that gang.

  • shastakoala

    Never arm those meanyans!

  • Swampay

    Sounds like he’s a pretty shitty body guard if you ask me.

    • Lori

      He’s a fine bodyguard–Baked Alaska didn’t get hurt. Dude bro apparently wasn’t in charge of guarding his own body.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        So that’s where Trump’s hair came from.

  • jesterpunk

    So the alt-right morons refuse to get health insurance because freedumbs and a dumbass claim that they will never need it because they are healthy. Then when they do need health care they mooch off of everyone else to pay for it?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Yep.

    • Marion in Savannah

      All together on the chorus now:

      “Party of personal responsibility.”

  • wait! what?

    Who ever got him the hospital “big gulp” is the REAL HERO here…

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    I question the Oathkeeper claim too. Those guys are supposed to be ex-something. That beached whale isn’t ex-anything.

    • Rick Hill

      Looking at that pile in the front part of the top of his head, I’d say he was some relation to Rand(named after a woman) Paul

    • weejee

      Ex-oaf? Perhaps not, doesn’t appear he’s moved beyond that stage.

    • shivaskeeper

      A lot of former military get fat. Especially the ones who get chaptered or retired for injuries.

      Some get fat while they are in and that is why they are now out also, too.

  • pstockholm

    I don’t think he’s gonna get Costner to play him in the movie version.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Being alt-right means never missing an opportunity to play the victim card.

  • Blackest Noobs

    the race war begins with white on white.
    kinda like rice but less filling and more dickish.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I’m able read this twice as fast as most Wonket posts !

  • wait! what?

    I wonder if the “knivers” said the Armeanian equivalent of “alt-righty, then!” before they left…

    • Meccalopolis

      Eeb be De Eeb be De.. That’s alt folks!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Hell, maybe it was his attempt at coalition building with Cenk.

    • Finnabar87

      Turks and Armenians, just working it out?

      Mon Dieu!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Just saying. He does prefer caucuses.

        • Finnabar87

          Jill Stein also prefers The White Mountains of Russia.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Two scoops?

          • Skeptical_thinker

            One cup?

          • Carpe Vagenda

            ew.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Been away so long I hardly knew the place
            Gee it’s good to be back home…

  • Here’s the One Step Trump plan to vilify Cannabis…

    1) Lie.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/29aca7ff6be58edfc2b93384f9cdd0f881dcf64e882acd3c0dea3718fb320b4a.png
    So easy even a caveman can do it!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      From what little I know about Fenanyl, that would lead to a lot of burnt lower lips when everyone fell asleep mid-drag.

      • Finnabar87

        Indeed.

        It is fast acting, like most sedatives designed for medical procedures.

      • Apparently the toxic dose is so small it would require specialized high precision equipment to measure out doses.
        https://www.statnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Heroin-Fentanyl-vials-NHSPFL-645×645.jpg

        Not probable.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          My late wife had a prescription for fentanyl patches for pain due to Fallopian tube cancer. I had to apply them because she could not. I was told that I must use gloves or my breathing could stop if I got too much of it on my skin.

          That was her first use of Fentanyl. The doubled the dose three times before we got a morphine pump for her.

          I have had morphine a couple of times. It did nothing for the pain I had at the time.

          Think about it.

          • Yes, I already know all opiods & opiates can relax your heart muscles so much you stop breathing, given sufficient dosage. It’s not unique to this particular one. No opiod stops the source of any pain. They only mask it with unconsciousness. I don’t understand why people who want to live would choose unconsciousness. ✓

    • Finnabar87

      Legal weed for all of America would stop that ‘not actually happening but republicans believe it’ syndrome.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      How would that even work? transdermal patch to smoke-able or bake-able?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        According to Google, there is a way to smoke pieces of a patch, but it’s not particularly easy or safe

    • Lori

      Fentanyl is a lot harder to get, and therefore much more expensive, than pot. Why would a drug dealer being giving it away for free?

      • Finnabar87

        Now there you go, using logic.

        Plus, weed smokers aren’t all too keen on being opiate addicts, hence the weed.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Bingo- because pot dealers are having such a hard time moving their product that they have to resort to lacing it with a far more expensive drug that their customers don’t want via an unbelievably complicated process to remove the fentanyl from the patches (the only administration type that could be vaporized) and then hope to spread it uniformly on a bunch of dried plant matter. And of course, none of their customers would ever notice the difference between a MJ high and an opiate high…

      • Like when people smoke really good weed for the first time, they naturally think “they put something on that”.

        No. They would charge more. 😀

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Rob Portman knows less than Jon Snow.

      • Nephilim

        No, Jon Snow knows more, even after he died.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Why I am sticking to banana peels!

    • TJ Barke

      Because weed is harmless, so let’s just say that a nasty dangerous drug is inside that drug! Drugception!

      • It’s a strategy they’re been trying to disseminate for months now, but it’s so stupid, no one is buying it. But yeah, their plan is this “crisis” will allow them to “crack down” on anyone they want to target, for other reasons
        {age, skin color, socioeconomic status, religion, voter registration}

  • not_vh

    what do you mean identify themselves? doesn’t Armenia put the cauc in caucasia?

    • Finnabar87

      There is an Armenian quarter in Jerusalem, just sayin’.

      • not_vh

        ya if i’m not wrong they are also one of the proto-christians too.

        • Finnabar87

          They are indeed.

          Because of the Turks, see.

      • thixotropic jerk

        Also a bunch of shekels, a few dinars and some pounds

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Did Armenia at least buy Asia dinner first?

  • tomamitai

    I bet it was payback for the Yossarian stabbing.

    • Blackest Noobs

      probably hired by Nately’s Whore.

    • Three Finger Salute

      No, it was payback for all the Kardashian jokes.

    • pstockholm

      Mannix is on it.

    • thixotropic jerk

      I could really go for some chocolate-covered Egyptian cotton right about now.

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    Maybe it were Ginger Hate?

  • Michael R

    Patch him up quick so he can get out there and be an asshole again .

    • thixotropic jerk

      That’s MISTER Orange Asshole. Or if you prefer, Sir Carroty Top.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    This is such a nice-time story, I hope it becomes our Open Thread.

  • FlownΩver

    Thoughts ‘n’ prayers, thoughts ‘n’ prayers…

    There. All better.

    • Finnabar87

      Like magic!

      He walks, he walks!

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      No, not even “thoughts and prayers”, laughing n’ snorting? Yes.

  • Suse

    This could be good news!

    Scientist: Dangerous asteroid could hit earth at any moment
    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/06/scientist-dangerous-asteroid-could-hit-earth-at-any-moment/

    • Finnabar87

      I think it already arrived and somehow landed in the Oval Office.

      • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

        Close, that was the Dangerous Asshole.

      • thixotropic jerk

        That was The Orange Comet Of Doom

    • not_vh

      i hope so.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Yay asteroid! Blaze of glory, blaze of glory.

      • Meccalopolis

        I’m ready to go bucket list

    • Bill D. Burger

      Remember seeing a snarky headline: “F5 tornado hits Mississippi. Does millions in improvements.”

      Same here…on a grander scale.

    • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

      Giant Asteroid 2020: Because Great Cthulhu can’t get his Ass out of Bed.

      • C4TWOMAN

        What’s the point of being an Eldritch Horror if you have to get up early?

    • JustDon’tSayShank

      Fkn Rawstory made my computer lock up. Only happens on my work computer, too.

      • Suse

        Weird, that.

        • JustDon’tSayShank

          Work blocks a lot of stuff. I figure some pop-up or video is trying to play from, say, a brewer or distiller, then the Work Watchdog jumps up and locks the PC to protect me from …something.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Okay, for those of you who voted for the asteroid, I hope you’re happy!!!!

    • Phoenixdoglover
  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Okay, what is a yegg, a cake sniffer, and a skel,

    • Finnabar87

      N’er do wells, all.

    • Suse

      Yegg = safecracker; cake sniffer = ?; skel = garden-variety moop.

    • not_vh

      what’s with the dangling comma?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i thought there was one more.
        Also, shit happens.
        ; )

      • hendenburg2

        From a guy with a Ph.D. in Rhetoric and Composition, no less!

    • not_vh

      hmm. #45?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        fucking common core…

    • hendenburg2
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Let me see if I understand this. He’s a bodyguard. His supposed job is to literally interpose his person to protect another from violent physical attacks. His employer does not pay his medical bills. He has no mechanism for paying medical bills beyond begging. I don’t understand.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Forget it, Jake. It’s Trumpcaretown.

    • jesterpunk

      If he paid for his employees healthcare that wouldnt teach his employees that they should have been born rich job creators.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      His employer bought him some bootstraps, what more do ya want?

      (though they did come in handy as a makeshift tourniquet)

    • shivaskeeper

      He’s a bodyguard in the sense that it sure does sound cool and imposing to be/have a bodyguard. Not until actual literal sense.

      • thixotropic jerk

        So– metaphorical bodyguard?

        • shivaskeeper

          Metaphorical, nonsensical; PO-tato, po-TAH-to

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Um, well this is… a thing:

    I-want-to-feel-like-the-first-lady-that-i-know-i-am-inside-melania-fans-are-getting-plastic-surgery

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/06/i-want-to-feel-like-the-first-lady-that-i-know-i-am-inside-melania-fans-are-getting-plastic-surgery/

    • not_vh

      to each their own, i guess.

    • Suse

      How pathetic.

      • BJW

        The lady looks fine. Once the procedures are done, she will never smile again, or have any facial expressions whatsoever.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          If she’s going for the Melania look, I’d say that nails it.

          • BJW

            Yepper! Plus she has a mental problem because she wants to be a better version of herself…by looking like someone else?

        • ariel_gee_398

          She’ll just has to master the “dead behind the eyes” look.

          • BJW

            Maybe she has a terrible husband too. That would make dead eyes work well.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I understand that’s how Melania did it.

    • TJ Barke

      They want to be mail order brides for disgusting con-men?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Can’t we just have one fucking day where everyone agrees to act like normal and sane human beings?

      • TJ Barke

        Never again.

    • William Cook for now

      I’m okay with this. It’s like a MAGA hat that never comes off, even 20 years from now when invoking Trump will be somewhere between invoking Nixon and Hitler.

      Not to downplay Hitler, things are bad right now but if you think they’re that bad then go read some books.

      • thixotropic jerk

        What is book? You can eat? Smoke?

    • Meccalopolis

      Precious

  • DainBramage

    It’s a weird world where a total nobody thinks he needs a bodyguard.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Is he really guarding a body or just making sure nobody touches the PBR?

    • CindyinEncinitas

      And where some dumbfuck identifies himself as this nobody’s bodyguard. He prolly gets paid in Doritos and PBR.

      • Trip Space-Parasite

        Exposure Doritos, probably.

  • djny10003

    Armenians are not anti-white; they’re some of the original Caucasians.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Welp, these are the same people who can’t figure out Ayran refers to ancient populations in the region we now call Iran…

      • hendenburg2

        I thought Aryans were from India

    • Three Finger Salute

      They’re from Turkey, so the moron probably figured they’re “Arabs”. Although even Hitler considered Persians (who are majority Muslim now, but aren’t “Arabs”) to be white. The word Iran means Aryan. Indo-Aryan used to be a well-accepted description in scholarly literature for a subset of languages and peoples before Hitler went and screwed that up too.

      • C4TWOMAN

        I remember Second Season(?) of Upstairs Downstairs Elizabeth takes up with an Armenian gentlemen(he’s kinda like a Victorian daytrader) and the downstairs staff is all aflutter over the “Ay-rab”.

        Period bigotry at it’s best.

      • pstockholm

        Hope you’re not planning on telling any Armenians they’re from Turkey. For your own health.

      • Meccalopolis

        Most western languages are indic aryan

      • HiEm818

        before turks existed, Armenians owned those lands, modern turks are those whose ancestors Greek or Armenians were turkified.. Armenians have been living on those lands for 4500 years as Armenian

  • tehbaddr

    The story needs more “dames and booze”.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Also more “It was a cold rain that fell on the City of Angels. A hard rain. But even the rain couldn’t wash all the filth off the streets.”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        It’s always about the water…

      • hendenburg2

        I thought Rohrshach was a hobo in his spare time, not a noir dime novel writer

        -or-

        Assumes rain not in evidence

    • georgiaburning

      More ice picks, too?

  • Blackest Noobs

    i’m kinda thinking Ginger-Spice BodyGuard dude doesn’t want my thoughts or prayers…cuz it wouldn’t be nice….no…not at all.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      They were unspecific as to the thoughts. Or what one should pray for.

      • Blackest Noobs

        well since us liberals are evil, we pray to the dark lord, right?

        • shivaskeeper

          Yes. Jessie Lee Peterson put that up the other day in regards to the Dem baseball team praying. It was obvious they were praying to Satan since Dems can’t be Christian. H/T to Kiri for that one.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I’m more of a none-of-the-above kind of girl.

    • thixotropic jerk

      but maybe your…votes…KWIM?

  • Three Finger Salute

    I guess he must have told them he thought System of a Down sucked. Fuck, I loved SoaD.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-iepu3EtyE

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea
      • TJ Barke

        I haven’t thought about them since 2007…

        • hendenburg2

          2008 for me.

          Back in my freshman year, the by-the-slice pizza place across from campus actually cut out the Rolling Stone article about SoaD breaking up and hung it on the wall.

        • Resistance Fighter Astraea

          I still listen to a lot of my old music.

      • Weird.

        Subpar RHCP harmonies + thrash metal + unrefined lyrics + yellow t-shirt looks out of place in that mob

  • JMP

    It would be kind of hard for the attackers to call the dude ethnic slurs, considering that there are no such thing as anti-white ethnicity slurs. And no, idiots, “cracker” or “honkey” are not slurs, they’re silly and laughable, absolutely nothing like the N-word, or the C- or G-words for Asians, or the W-word for Latinos, or the K-word for Jewish people, or “sand N-words” for Arabs, or the name of the Washington Racist Slurs football team for Native Americans etc. etc.

    That’s a big part of white privileged, that there is no such thing as anti-white ethnic slurs; the closest are slurs against particular white ethnicity, but those are for groups like the Irish and Italians that used to not be white. And of course that’s always subject to change; look at how Jewish people have been mostly white in America for decades, but now after the Trump-fueled rise of the neo-Nazis are back to being non-white again.

    • thixotropic jerk

      But-but-but– you’re taking away my (self-imposed) victimhood! WAAAAAHHHH NO FAIRS!!!!

    • C4TWOMAN

      The double irony is the entire white thing is quite classist–to people who are white, or more specificly, people who can tan. The entire reason being pale is so damn special is because the privilege of people in the house/palace/castle who are not the peasants in the fields.

      Someone may correct me, but I doubt any privileged people in population groups who are so dark they are effectively incapable of tanning adopted this pale=privilege, dark=peasant diad. They distinguish privilege strictly by cloths and ornament.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Maybe not slurs but I do think there’s such a thing as a hate crime regardless whether you’re “privileged” or not. I don’t like that phrase either; I always thought “double standard” is better understood than the whole academic backpack thing. It also doesn’t take into account financial privilege both within groups and between them. LeBron James has certainly seen horrible racism targeted at him. But he doesn’t have to worry about where his next meal is coming from like people of any color — including white — who are either unemployed or underemployed and can’t afford to make end’s meet.

      Everybody’s got advantages and disadvantages in life. Calling it “privilege” just seems accusatory to me as does the whole “check your privilege” thing, which sounds like a hostile directive to someone who probably didn’t even intend any malfeasance toward anybody.

      The black kids who beat up the autistic boy in Chicago and streamed it live on Facebook, they did it because he was white, and yelled at him “We hate Trump!”. That was a hate crime. The boy had nothing to do with Trump, but they just went at him because he was a random white kid, and they associated all whites with Trump or Trump support or Trump’s ideology. I believe they were charged with a hate crime too.

      Obviously it’s going to be much more common that hate crimes target people from marginalized groups because of what marginalized group they come from. But applying the law fairly means that attacking anyone because of their race, gender, national origin, etc., amounts to hatred of their demographic as a motive for the crime. This isn’t the same as when people wear “straight pride” shirts or call for “white history month.” It’s what someone uses as motive for a violent attack.

      Unfortunately, it seems that the U.S. is going to devolve into balkanization and inter-group fighting no matter what we do.

      • JMP

        Yes, there are hate crimes against white people – but nowhere near as many as against minorities, nor does that change the fact of my point, that there is no such thing as offensive slurs against white people, at all.

        And as for the idea that no one should ever mention privilege because it makes some thin-skinned entitled white boys sad to learn that they absolutely have a lot of advantages in life just for being white and male – and even more so if they’re straight, rich and Christian? Fuck that shit. No, privilege is a very important of discussion, and the suggesting that we should never be allowed to talk about it is just stupid and more of the way the brave defenders of bigotry always try and shut down free speech by insisting that no one should ever mention the existence of bigotry.

        If someone is so dumb as to take mention of the fact that they were privileged in some way as if it’s somehow hostile, then that whiny little baby needs to get the fuck over themselves.

  • C4TWOMAN


    Yeah, Armenian thugs who hate whites, even though Armenians consider themselves white. It don’t figure, you ask us.

    To be more precise, they’re European. And, surprise, not all Europeans are pale faces or Norwegian looking white.

    But for centuries racists in NW Europe have dismissed Armenians as Jews and/or Arabs. ONLY a racist would make this mistake. This is so funny it’s sad.

    Classic case in suspiciously specific mis-ethincized(is there a better real word?)

  • SayItWithWookies

    It was over a dame – one who looked like she’d been poured into her dress but forgot to say “when.”

  • thixotropic jerk

    Fuggedaboutit Cake (Sniffrz) It’s Not Whiteytown

  • jesterpunk

    Was this another road rage incident?

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/man-sets-fire-memorial-slain-virginia-teen-nabra-hassanen-article-1.3266085

    A South Carolina man has been arrested for setting fire to a memorial for slain Virginia teen Nabra Hassanen.

    Washington D.C. residents gathered at the capital’s Dupont Circle on
    Tuesday night to grieve the 17-year-old, who was walking back to her
    mosque in Fairfax County when she was attacked and possibly sexually
    assaulted by a road rage driver.

    D.C. police confirmed to the Daily News that officers were called
    Wednesday morning after fire was set to the memorial at a fountain.

    A spokeswoman said that Jonathan Solomon, a 24-year-old from South
    Carolina, had been arrested just after 10 a.m., and added that “at this
    time, the incident does not appear to be motivated by bias.”

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      “at this time, the incident does not appear to be motivated by bias.”

      so what could possibly be the bias, other than a several mental health problem?

      • jesterpunk

        Mentally ill lone wolf.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          Mentally ill non-muslim lone wolf.

          • jesterpunk

            That is redundant, only white christian males can be mentally ill lone wolves.

            The way it works for them is.

            White Shooter(s): mentally ill lone wolves, cant punish all gun owners for one person.

            Muslim :Terrorist and have to lock them all up and kick them out of the country.

            Black: Culture and they are all thugs

            Mexican: Culture and they are going to kill everyone and sell drugs and steal.

          • thixotropic jerk

            Armenians: bad stabby men and can’t be white cause I said so, so must die

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      He just had a lot of economic anxiety.

    • canes_pugnaces

      What sort of clock did they use? Inquiring minds want to know.

      • mackafritz

        Venusian time maybe.

    • mackafritz

      So he just likes setting memorials on fire?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Of course it’s not “motivated by bias”. I mean, it’s not like the assailant was Muslim or otherwise brown.

      Now, if the assailant had a hairdresser whose cousin’s boyfriend’s uncle’s old college roommate who once looked at an Islamic website, then GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

      • hendenburg2

        I wonder how the wignuttosphere will spin it, since the abductor/possible rapist/murderer was an illegal immigrant from Central America

        • jesterpunk

          They have already spun it that Trump was right somehow.

    • Mavenmaven

      “Soloman was setting several items from the park on fire and it did not appear that he was intentionally targeting items from Nabra’s memorial.”
      WTF?

  • Granny Sprinkles

    I’m guessing I probably shouldn’t send my thoughts out loud, so I’ll just bless his heart and leave it at that.

  • C4TWOMAN
    • TJ Barke

      Gotta play up the victim angle. Nothing justifies violence like victimhood.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I particularly like the part about him being told he might not live during surgery. That is one cold-blooded doc.

        • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

          “One more like that, I may lose both these men.”

          “Dr. McCoy, Amanda can hear you.”

          “Shaddup Nurse Chapel. Where’s my cigarette and Mint Julep?”

          • thixotropic jerk

            “He’s Dead Jim.”

            “But Bones, you didn’t even look at him!”

            “Naturally, I mean his brain. We can transplant his organs if only we could find a pig willing to accept them.”

          • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

            “He was hit by a Yang lance, Doctor.”

            “He’s dead Jim.”

            “Hey, I’m alive!”

            “Sorry, just playing the odds.”

          • thixotropic jerk

            “I’m sorry Jim there was nothing I could do.”

            “So you’re telling me he’s dead McCoy?”

            “No, he’s alive but he’s still a fucking racist POS! I’m not a miracle worker, Captain, FFS!”

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      After a few hours at the bar, the group — many dawning Trump hats and supportive bumper stickers on their vehicles – decided to retire for the night.

      I may dawn my pedant cap.

      • Delta Dawn, what’s that funny MAGA hat you got on…

      • alpacapunchbowl

        This is the dawning of the age of the derpiest, age of the derpiest, oh ohhh

      • thixotropic jerk

        Needs Moar caps with those fun propellers!

      • shivaskeeper

        They could have been donning them even.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          at dawn…

          • shivaskeeper

            True.

  • JMP

    A Bodyguard, huh? And I-I-I-I-I, will always hate you-ou-ou-ou-ou, will always hate you-ou.

    Gotta be one of the worst movie songs ever, just below the Brian Adams Robin Hood song and the Celine Dion Titanic song.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      The Dolly Parton version was better.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Jinx.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Dolly Parton’s version is a lot better.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Don’t forget the Phil Collins Tarzan Massacre.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      I think it’s a fine song, just overplayed.

      The Robin Hood song remains a crime against humanity.

      • pstockholm

        Yeah song is fine. And it’s Whitney fucking Houston. I mean c’mon people.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      It’s like you’ve never even heard of Young Guns II.

      • JMP

        Are you kidding? That has one of the greatest soundtracks of all time, by one of the greatest rockers of all time, Jon Bon Jovi.

        How can anyone not just rock out to Blaze of Glory?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfmYCM4CS8o

    • Lori

      The original was by Dolly Parton. That alone makes it better than the Titanic song.

  • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

    “You’re getting the shank, White Boy”. This sounds like some Alt Right teenager’s prison fanfic dialogue, honestly.

    • jesterpunk

      Moooooooommmm I am a tough guy so you should make me a sammich since they said mean things to me.

    • William Cook for now

      Right?

      “…And then they carved an H into his cheek!”

      • Suse

        Was it backwards?

        • pstockholm

          Oh you’re good, you’re very good.

          • Suse

            😼😼😼

        • thixotropic jerk

          No! UPSIDE DOWN!!!!111

          • Rosacaustin

            my classmate’s half-sister makes $72 every hour on the internet. She has been without a job for eight months but last month her payment was $16159 just working on the internet for a few hours.Here’s the site to read more……++++++++++++++++++++
            ➜➜➜http://www.GlobalTopJobsOnlineAccessGoto/Wage/Home….
            ✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹::::ar258..

        • William Cook for now

          I left it out, but if anyone can manage that the Trumpkins can.

    • Bobathonic

      Reminds me of Trayvon Martin’s last words, per his murderer – “You got me”. Let’s assume there was some moustache twirling in there, too.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        I will always remember them as “this cracker ass cracker is stalking me” while on the phone to his friend.

    • C4TWOMAN

      IKR?
      Yeh, sure this is how an Armenian gang speaks…

      • Suse

        Դուք ստանում եք կաշվից, Սպիտակ տղա

        • thixotropic jerk

          Translated: “All Your Alt-Right Is Belong To Us”

          • Rick Hill

            “The covfefe…is a lie!”

        • C4TWOMAN

          Well, that’s easy for you to say!

    • hendenburg2
    • Little Lulu Ω

      “Acid is groovy! Kill the pigs!” for the 21st century.

      • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

        Yup.

    • TimJ

      Good thing your comment was at the top else I’d have posted the same thing. “You’re getting the shank white boy!” might just be the Song of Summer 2017.

  • Ryan Denniston

    OT: in Trump America, plane buzz you!

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-40358528

  • janecita
    • C4TWOMAN

      For a second I wondered why you posted a pic of plum pudding…..

  • Lefty Wright

    Guess which mountain range runs through Armenia. If you guessed Caucasus, you know your geography. Which separates Europe from Asia Minor. For extra credit, imagine what word you would use to describe a person from the area of the Caucasus and Asia.

    • thixotropic jerk

      A) The Suchas and Therefores Mountains?
      EC) An Asian Caucasuarus?

      What Do I Win?

      • Lefty Wright

        Three points on your final grade.

        • thixotropic jerk

          *Shrugs* Guess I’ll be repeating Geography For Dummies then! Dang you are a hard grader LW!

    • Anna Rompage

      And then there’s our congressional Freedumb Cockasses…

    • C4TWOMAN

      Russian petroleum speculator?

    • vivian

      uh… nimble?

    • boredcatlady

      So purity all comes down to which side of the mountain your ancestors had a village? Neat.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Uh, I realize the one Armenian guy I shtupped when I was sluttin’ my way across Europe is not a representative sample, but he was hella white.

    • Shanzgood 16 Days

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      Unless he was part Irish and got the right Irish part.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I think you’re confusing Irishmen with Scotsmen.
        Not that I know anything about whatever you might be talking about.

        • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

          *starts planning trip to Ireland and Scotland*

          • alpacapunchbowl

            I lived in Dublin for almost two years and for the most part wasn’t terribly impressed by the, ahem, “talent” on hand.
            Edinburgh and beyond, however…

          • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

            Ahh, thanx. :)

          • Swampgas_Man

            Come to think of it, I’M Scots!

          • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

            Oooooh. xD

        • Shanzgood 16 Days

          I’ll let you have that since I have a grandparent who who was a Ferguson.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Yeah, I’m both Irish and Scottish (and a lot of other things). They both have their strengths and weaknesses!

          • Shanzgood 16 Days

            They all do. And it’s probably not fair when I blame my ragefests on my Irish side. We need to take responsibility for ourselves.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        I remember, many decades ago, hearing Anne McCaffrey speak at a BosCon. She said something about Irish men: great singers, poets, wordsmiths, song writers, composers. Sex was not on their list of things to do, according to her.

        • Shanzgood 16 Days

          Well. maybe she wasn’t interested in what they have to offer sexxy wise which is fair enough.

  • Anna Rompage

    “I’m getting the shank?”

    “No, I said you ARE a skank, white boy”….

    • ariel_gee_398

      “You got some stank, dough boy.”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        count on it- especially during the summer

        • Meccalopolis

          Fat cheese

          • thixotropic jerk

            Just–EWWWWWW!!!
            (But– pairs well with toe jams!)

        • boredcatlady

          Jorts foster a very humid environment

    • HiEm818

      If an Armenian is calling you white boy, it means White Trash/hick/hillbilly nothing to do with being white

  • Shanzgood 16 Days

    Sorry, can’t be here without risking banhammer.

  • Mavenmaven

    So essentially these tough alt-right snowflakes got their butts handed to them by the Kardashians.

    • Zippy W Pinhead
    • thixotropic jerk

      I’d rather handle a Kardashian’s butt than– or something…

    • Jennifer R

      You saw the guy right? The only reason to think he might be an OK body guard is if you could hide behind him. Stupid shits think all it takes to be a street tough is to be big. Then they run their mouths off and someone who doesn’t take shit caves them in.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Covfefe meme winner.

  • Trinitario809

    Wonkette….you’re garbage…..😒😒😒😒

    • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY
      • C4TWOMAN

        Oh, is this a real troll?

        • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

          So Methinks.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Looks like a drive-by troll but they’re like roaches- if you see one, you know there’s more scuttling around in the dark

          • C4TWOMAN

            Circling….checking community response….

    • C4TWOMAN

      No, really, tell us how you feel.

    • Suse

      🇷🇺 🇷🇺 🇷🇺

    • vivian

      Is that cheater Tom Brady I see? ‘Nuff said.

    • Rick Hill

      Yeah but we’re fresh garbage. What kind of used shit you got?

    • thixotropic jerk

      Not the garbage! Not the garbage! YOUR the garbage for calling us the garbage!

      ~something your hero might say

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Um, I believe we will all be recycled.

    • boredcatlady

      I applaud proper spelling of the word “you’re”

    • Suse

      If by garbage you mean trashy, then yes, yes we are.

      • Rick Hill

        Oooo, I like it when you talk dirty, like that…

    • I know a joke

      OK thanks for dropping by to defend a traitor or whatever.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      We have our own pet unicorn, though.

      • thixotropic jerk

        Want to pet our unicorn! Want!

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          *nibbles your neck and shoulder in a friendly fashion*

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Suse

      One of them just has to be called “Mugsy.”

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Last seen accompanied by a blonde in a pink racing outfit

  • josh

    Could you wait till he gets out of the hospital before you make fun of him, or naw?

    • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

      Naw.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Why not both?

    • Jennifer R

      He has an ugly fucking haircut too.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        His mama dresses him funny.

        • Jennifer R

          The toad who posted used the phrase “virtue signaling” unironically too. What a fucking piece of shit.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Scuse me? What does that even mean? #focusgroupedtodeath

          • Jennifer R

            You see, shitty people have figured out that non shitty people make them look bad. So now they attack anyone who makes them look bad by being a better person by accusing them of “virtue signaling”, which is to say faking being a better person to get credit for it, while actually being awful on account of faking being a good person. So faced with the choice of becoming better people or bitching that sometimes a movie or a game has a black woman on the cover they choose to bitch.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            I actually work with someone like that. Jesus. I thought she was just a phony bitch. Oh well! Stupid English degree! You’re dead to me!

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            …Like how they use “social justice warrior” as an insult.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            It’s not an insult, it’s a medical condition, and you people indeed shouldn’t be mocked, you should be treated,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Thank you for your clear and illuminating explanation of yet-another-shithead’s-word-invention-so-they-can-avoid-admitting-that-yes-they-are-indeed-shitheads.

    • thixotropic jerk

      You’re right I am ashamed so deep of myself for joshing at another innocent racisty human bean who was only quietly body guarding just opening his mouth pouring out words that made for the Armenian upsetting and then got hatefully stabbed for it which was not nice and undeserved altho unsurprising. You are a much better thing than I. *Bows Low To Your Internet Mannersplaining*

    • mancityRed6

      maybe he’ll learn his lesson not to mess with people he doesn’t have any business messing with.

    • I know a joke

      Won’t someone think about this dim racist fuck’s feelings

    • Snopes Shop

      He’s fine.

    • I know a joke
  • JohnE_o

    Seems like a kinda crappy bodyguard – if I were hiring a bodyguard, I’d pick a guy who was smart enough not to start shit but also competent enough to handle two guys without getting stabbed.

  • Ezio

    Uh…do Armenians not count as white now?

    • Jennifer R

      Nazis never thought of eastern europeans as white. Hell 150 years ago no one in europe did.

      • HiEm818

        Genetics says otherwise, Europeans organically are from the Armenian highlands

        • Jennifer R

          Which is why “race” is a stupid as fuck idea that people can’t even get right.

  • Rick Hill

    So, no one’s hit the important part of the story? This guy has no insurance and is trying to get a gofund me or something to payi his medical bills

    • thixotropic jerk

      way down thread

  • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

    Lol, this “Doktor Zoom” moron quotes *Tariq Rashid* – a genuinely insane racist halfwit – as an authority,

    you people are well&truly gone, no wonder you have difficulties accepting reality – you are so inbred that you think anyone new stumblin’ onto&posting on your dumb left-tard low-numbers blogjob must be some conservative your SJW mods banned in the past,

    • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

      This fuckstain upfisted himself xD

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        “fuckstain” You have mistaken me for your Mother, sweetie,

        • thixotropic jerk

          babble babble babble

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            No need to sign your posts, sweetie, we can see what you are,

          • I know a joke

            This is feeble, even for a neo-Nazi traitor.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            ” a neo-Nazi traitor.”

            Lol,

          • I know a joke

            Sorry if you’re offended, Adolf.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Oh, another member of the “EVERYONE I DISAGREE WITH IS HITLER” school of libturd thought, swell,

          • I know a joke
          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            You can’t even invent your own insults, lol, how pathetic are you people,

          • I know a joke
          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            You are really, really embarrassing yourself, dear,

          • I know a joke
          • thixotropic jerk

            Chins up!

          • Lambsendbeds

            The Human Pelican!

          • I know a joke

            That works.

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            If you want novel insults, try being novel at trolling. Otherwise, we meme you to death. It is our way.

          • I know a joke

            I just think it’s hilarious he’s offended by being called Adolf when he literally came here to defend a Nazi.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            ^ I give you the Liberal Idea of Freedom of Thought,

            never forget: people like “joke” are Stalinists, and they would enslave you, and kill you, given half a chance,

          • I know a joke
          • thixotropic jerk

            Owls are the coolest! Lucky kid!

          • thixotropic jerk

            you have the intellect of a gnat, how you could possibly energize enough neurons to identify a “Stalinist” (newsflash – he’s your precendnet in the WH) is an unpossible unpossibility. We’re all still shocked how you manage to keep posting, it must be all the Moscow Muscle Milk, da?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Lol, you couldn’t meme a stuffed possum to death, let alone your betters,

          • thixotropic jerk

            ??? does that even meme anything? Ha ha ha, look I turned RWNJ stoopidness into joke! I am brilliant!

          • thixotropic jerk

            Take a deep breath, good. Now, what’s bothering you today? Terminal Acne? The Heartbreak of Derpiasis? Congenital Ungenitalism?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Please stop sharing your medical history with the board, it’s gross,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Match the similarities:
            A) My cat just barfed up a steaming pile of goo
            B) UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “My cat just barfed up a steaming pile of goo”

            You really should sexually abuse it then,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Doesn’t it get cold and lonely in Mommy’s basement, Boo? Rubbing all that lotion on your skin else it gets the whips and chains again?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            So weak, can’t you go online and buy some actually good zingers, or did you lose every last dime in the Great 2017 Ossoff Crash,

          • thixotropic jerk

            You remind me of a zinger – a calorically empty jizz-filled pseudo pastry

      • mancityRed6

        this sure as shit isn’t showing up on Sunday.

        • thixotropic jerk

          looks like it has been active on the frank luntz thread so maybe?

          • mancityRed6

            so long as it’s a better quality than this.
            sorry, I’m looking at a 4 day weekend, so it feels like Friday to me

          • thixotropic jerk

            Don’t apologize: Wonkettecize!

      • Jennifer R

        Bwahaha what a fucking loser.

        • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

          “what a fucking loser” You should try anger management, sweetie, you sound like you’re going to pop a vein,

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “Resistance Pilot”

            Just imagine: people like this *vote*.

            No wonder America is in the dumps,

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            Anyone want to help me get rid of a couple hundred pounds of air pollution?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “Anyone want to help me get rid of a couple hundred pounds of air pollution?”

            Why are you soliciting help for suicide on an online board, dear, get help quickly,

          • thixotropic jerk

            #YoogelySadUnfunnyBiglyLoserCovefe

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            I can see that you are, but no need to get all despairing and think about ending it all, lighten up pumpkin,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Your insults and witticisms are painfully stunningly mild and bland, like the goose shit gravy you must slurp by the bucketful. Try some creativity I know it’s hard for little righty brainz to let go of the script, don’t worry, you’ll still get your Ailes Check.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “Ailes Check” Hahaha, oh dear,

          • thixotropic jerk

            I was going to say “Koch Check” but I was afraid you’d have an accident and you know how tired your Moms is of replacing your sploogeey keyboards

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Sweetie, there isn’t enough money in the world to pay people for dealing with you whiny, disgusting, *absolutely worthless* SJW riff-raff,

            thinking that there is is precisely why you lefttards lose, and will continue to lose, forever,

          • I know a joke

            So what’s the exchange rate on rouble like these days, KKKomrade?

          • thixotropic jerk

            Mmm-hmm sez the whiny disgusting projecting snowflake shitty babby who’s been exposing their ignorance here for over an hour. Sadist? Masochist? YNOTBOTH?!?!?!

      • Snopes Shop

        😂😂

      • H0mer0

        Why do they call us inbred when they are the ones who don’t believe in breeding outside their race? Could that be projection?

        • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

          It’s always projection with these types.

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        ^ This is the sort of moron who thought that Ossoff not being able to vote for himself was actually a good thing, lol,

        • thixotropic jerk

          ALL THE BURNZ WITH YOUR SWIFT REPLY

    • thixotropic jerk

      you really should get those enzymes checked too much infowars is bad for your liver!

    • Suse
    • I know a joke

      OK, sorry you can’t use words or punctuation correctly.

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        ^ I rest my case,

        • mancityRed6

          and so have you. you end sentences like this.

        • I know a joke

          What “case”, snowflake? All I did was point out that you’re illiterate.

        • Jennifer R

          Still couldn’t get the punctuation right.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            ^ You are wrong,

          • Jennifer R

            Sentences end with a period, not a comma. You illiterate jackanape.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “jackanape” You have mistaken me for your Mother, sweetie,

          • thixotropic jerk

            No but that second grade-level insult makes us mistake you for a second grader instead of an adult– what? Oh, not a mistake? Well, no dessert for you, UFNT until you learn how to address your betters!

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “No” Yes,

          • Jennifer R

            It explains the shitty punctuation.

        • thixotropic jerk

          But you’re ideas are so scintillating, they deserve a good polishing edit, you know, like how you shine up a really huge turd so it looks like– a really huge shiny turd, you know?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “you’re ideas”

            *your,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Nice, so you really DO know how to English! Am Our Bots Learning Indeed!

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            MUH RUSSIA,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Некультурный мудак говорит что?

        • Snopes Shop

          Why is there a COMMA

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Why not,

          • Jennifer R

            Who ever taught it English must have hated it very much.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      We’ve discussed this. If you’re going to live on this planet, you’re going to have to speak our language.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cd6a2b9ddc8293b4dd31508e4b2f67029cffeade27ccd4f704f561ccdf52309c.gif

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        “Resistance Pilot” LOL

        What a bunch of disgusting, whining babies,

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          Oh, junior. Go back to the minor leagues. Because if you want to hang with the big dog, you gotta have better hops than this.

        • Stulexington

          Well, at least you’re an honest one. Tell me, do you have any more random incoherent insults to share with us?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Yes,

          • I know a joke

            Admitting to being a stupid wreck is certainly a novel tactic; I am not convinced of its efficacy, however.

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      Projection, how does it work?

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I find your views intriguing and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        This one is boring, so I blocked it. It’s gonna have to work harder it if expects to show up for Saturday reruns.

  • mancityRed6

    this is why I don’t fly the bird at idiot drivers, you never know if they’re armed
    so, I give them a 2 finger salute instead. makes me feel better and they wonder why I just flashed the peace sign at ’em.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I do the thumb, index finger L for loser. Gets the point across and it’s probably not going to get me killed.

  • mancityRed6

    why does he need a body guard? is he just not tough enough to handle his “fans”?

    • NotALiar

      Scary antifacists hiding under the bed. Know what can keep them from attacking you? Not being a fucking nazi for starters.

      • mancityRed6

        funny enough, that’s exactly how I do it.

  • mancityRed6

    wait, is baked alaska Whitney Houston in this scenario?
    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8f/The_Bodyguard_1992_Film_Poster.jpg

  • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

    If you ever wonder why America is in the dumps, just remember:

    Wankette crowd votes,

    • I know a joke

      Did you start a new thread because you needed a safe space, petal?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      As y’all like to remind us, Trump won.

      America in the dumps is all on y’all, now.

      • Jennifer R

        Funny enough, donnie has done more to destroy America’s global hegemony than all the leftist governments of the world combined. And in just four months as well.

        • clairence

          except, it’s really not that funny. =(

        • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

          Aww, look at the little liberal #Resister bemoaning the supposed death of “America’s Global Hegemony”,

          lol, you really couldn’t make it up,

    • jesterpunk
    • CindyinEncinitas
      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        ^ This is how Hillary won,

        • Saxo the Grammarian

          Gallup Polls show Hillary Clinton to be the most admired woman in America, as she has been for 21 out of the last 23 years. Where’s Melania in that poll?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            Lol,

          • Saxo the Grammarian

            You’re not even trying. You might as well break out the Everclear and call it a night.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “If you like your poll, you can keep your poll”,

            we’ll keep all three branches instead, hunny,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Yeah, you might want to rethink that one– verrrrryyyyyy sooooon…

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      So are you going to buy a t-shirt or not?

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        No, I will buy some shares in Caterpillar instead so I can profit when LE finally starts crushing you smelly, rioting, Antifa trash,

        • Saxo the Grammarian

          Needs more “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAlol”. Try harder. You’ll rate a mention on “Dear Shit-fer-Brains” if you work at it.

          • ziggywiggy

            IKR, and I never thought I would get to see a “Dear Shit-Fer-Brains in the wild right here on Wonkette, they’ve usually been tranquilized and removed before I see them.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “tranquilized and removed”

            ^ Imagine being this weak, sad really,

          • ziggywiggy

            You like your own comments….SAD.

          • Saxo the Grammarian

            Given the (lack of) quality of your comments, I suspect you’ve already been tranquilized.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “I NEED SOME MUSCLE HERE”, shrieked the virtue signalling brain-dead SJW,

          • thixotropic jerk

            “virtue-signaling” “SJW”, srsly? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? With that brian?

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Has anyone invited you to fuck right on off yet?

        • thixotropic jerk

          “Smelly rioting trash”…you should really care more about how you describe yourself, it’s so unkind. But unflinchingly accurate, I will give you that!

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            You are so unimaginative that you are reduced to copying your betters’ online tactics, sad really,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Hippo-critical turdlicking troll sezwut???? Do you even know how this works, cuckoofuck? You are getting PWND up and down this thread! The best/worst part is you don’t even get it. “Your Brainz Too Short To Box With Wonkette!”

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            ” You are getting PWND” Lol,

            nobody can say you people aren’t funny,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Thanks! It takes a real mature to admit that they’re wrong! Congratulations! You just advanced to toilet training! Today’s first rule: Your poops go in the terlet not in your mouth, mkay?

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            “Your poops go in the terlet not in your mouth, mkay?”

            Are you a coprophile, dear,

            because you are sure as hell fixated on the out door, is that a Liberal thing or just your family tradition,

          • thixotropic jerk

            Dear sweetie, you said the big poops word first, shitferbrainz! Unlike you, turdflake, I happen to know the difference between shit and shinola. But then you must be afraid that if you actually tried washing up the stain on the world that you are there would be nothing left but a few corn kernels.

          • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

            You need to stop using words, hun,

          • thixotropic jerk

            And you need to try using real words until you learn how to communicate like a sentient adult

          • WY_cryptid
          • thixotropic jerk

            LOVE The Jerk!
            (But not this Troll Jerk)

          • WY_cryptid

            I tried to post to his comment to yours to emphasize his lack. But already banhammed.

          • thixotropic jerk

            Your support in our indefatigable efforts to defeat Idiot Trolls who vex us so is invaluable and much appreciated Cryptid!

          • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

            Hippo-critical …. Fiona libelz!

          • thixotropic jerk

            I have always been Shameless

          • Saxo the Grammarian

            We don’t give out participation ribbons here. You seriously need to up your game, ’cause I’m having trouble staying awake.

          • JMP

            I like how someone who thinks you end a sentence with a period claims to be superior and smarter than those of us who know proper grammar.

    • BearLeft

      Excuse me, I believe you took a wrong turn back there where you were supposed to get a life. This is how you get your jollies? To quote your hero with the 1st grade vocabulary, sad.

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        ^ I rest my case,

        • BearLeft

          Yes, you could use a good, long rest ….

          • thixotropic jerk

            Free dirt naps! Git yer free dirt naps!

        • Saxo the Grammarian

          You don’t have a case.

          • ziggywiggy

            That troll has been resting his case all up and down the page.

          • thixotropic jerk

            …Unless it’s a case of third stage syphilis …

  • clairence

    how the heck do you determine someone is Armenian as they are stabbing you? I may be mistaken, but that seems – no offense to Armenians – like a really obscure nationality to deduce.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      They’re wearing System of a Down shirts. Duh!

    • Relativicus

      Because they end every word with the suffix -ian.

      • HiEm818

        or yan

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Sheltered as I am, I have only met one professional bodyguard in my life.

    His job was to protect a slim actress and dancer who could sometimes attract unwarranted attention.

    He was, indeed, a big guy. In a fight, I would obviously have been crushed like a bug.

    However, I never wanted to get into a fight with him or did anything that would provoke any kind of a confrontation. We soon got to be buddies. He knew I wouldn’t get obnoxious. And I never did.

    His strategy was simple. Don’t pick a fight. Shut down a fight if I see one coming. Through experience, he could see this kind of thing coming a mile away.

    The only time I saw him actually step into a situation was when a drunk got way, way, way out of line. Even at that, he just frog-marched the guy out of the place and impressed upon him the importance of sobering-up.

    Picking a fight with Armenian gangsters? This is not what a real bodyguard does.

    It is what a cocksure asshole does, though.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I know a real badass, former military guy who does some bodyguard work now and then. He is a large man but he can make himself almost disappear. He attracts as little attention as possible and would never, ever expend one calorie more than was absolutely necessary to neutralize a situation. I think it’s because he has nothing to prove.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i had a brief professional relationship with some bodyguards (long story). We eventually ended up with this absolutely gorgeous colombian woman who was a martial experts expert. Swoon.

  • chascates

    Maybe Foreman is Turkish and it was a genocide payback.

  • D0ngR

    Isn’t the middle man in the bottom photo Serj Tankian? Is that who he said stabbed him?

  • Crank Tango

    When your mouth writes checks that your ass can’t cash…

  • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

    There’s more inbreeding on this loser libturd Wankette board than in Islamofascist no-go zones in Belgium,

    sad really, you libs should go out and meet real people,

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Unreal people like me are more fun. We smell better, too.

      • UR_FREINDLY_NEIGHBORHOOD_TROLL

        Yeah but can you vote, sweetie,

        you laughable Wankettistas are irrelevant in the real world, you must be aware of that fact, yes?,

        • Me not sure

          I live in an Islamofascist no-go neighborhood in Belgium, so I can’t vote, but the nice chocolates and the hookah bars make up for it. Thanks for playing.

          • thixotropic jerk

            Each post Troll make just reminds of us of our laughable irrelevantness LOL GAL KTHXBAI

      • ziggywiggy

        This troll is trying WAY TOO HARD.

    • NotALiar

      Wat the fuck are you even trying to say? Who are real people? Are YOU real people? Your trolling is bad and you should feel bad.

      • JMP

        It’s nice to see that the racist troll’s bullshit is apparently already deleted so my reply didn’t go through, but I really liked how this one resorted to upfisting himself. That’s truly sad and pathetic.

        • Nasty Girl Brianna

          Nothing worse than a troll that upfists itself.

          • JMP

            And from a quick glance the troll’s long history, which is mostly at such lunatic asylums as Infowars and The Daily Caller, it looks like he upfists all of his own comments. Yet he still only has 19,873 upvotes for 14,343 comments. Sad!

            https://disqus.com/by/disqus_yuIBaJHhSW/

          • Axomamma

            I’m going to guess that misspelling “friendly” was not deliberate.

          • x111e7thst

            weak

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            this is hilarious (apparently in re Julius Cesear)

            Nobody who watched it then interpreted it as anti-Obama.

            EVERYBODY – both the lefttard Islamophile moron SJWs from NYC who get triggered by MAGA hats, and American patriots who may not have PhDs in Shakespeare but have IQ above room temperature – correctly sees this iteration as being anti-Trump.

            What the playwright intended isn’t important. The fact that Caesar in the play may be a saint, and that the “true message” is “assassinations don’t work” is irrelevant. This is anti-POTUS, assassination-glorifying left-wing porn.

            I’m amazed that we have to hammer home this basic point again and again,

          • Grokenstein

            Yeesh. The clown ends every sentence–EVERY sentence–with a comma. Is that some sort of trolling feigned stupidity that’s supposed to “trigger” me? Or is it genuine stupidity?

            Does the difference really matter?

        • thixotropic jerk

          Yes it’s gone, leaving a sad demented slimy trail of derp-infected grammar-challenged rot. But it was diverting while it lasted!

        • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

          I twigged this loser on that also too. xD

      • Delu

        Apparently, according to Donald Jr, Deomcrats are not real people.

        Not sure who the real people are then, surely not Trumpians, I mean are they even people?

      • Axomamma

        WHY DO I MISS THE FUN? EVERY GOD DAMN TIME. WHY? SOMEONE TELL ME WHY.

  • Me not sure

    Armenian, Albanian, Algerian, Azerbaijani, Afghanistani, Argentinian, Austrian, Australian, whatever! Just not American.

    • HiEm818

      Armenian-American thats whats up

  • Nasty Girl Brianna

    Well obviously the guy is a Ginger and violence against Gingers is a hate crime, right? At least that’s what a Ginger tried to tell me once.

    I laughed in his face. Repeatedly.

  • NotALiar

    Jesus wingnuts aren’t funny. If you are going to troll the comments, I assume Dok will let you stick around longer if you are at least funny. This 3rd tier breitbart comment section trolling needs to stop.
    Sit down, Be Funny.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Tell me more about the “Naked City”

  • Kooolest G

    since I live here in LA right next door to glendale (the largest armenian population outside of armenia, 500k people) I have a little bit of experience with this. yes there are armenian gangsters and they are called the APs (short for armenian power) they don’t hate white people since they are white (fun fact: the word caucasian comes from the region including armenia) they don’t hate christians since they were the first kingdom to be officially christian and the official religion is still orthodox christianity. they don’t vote particularly democratic or republican, and they don’t go around stabbing people for no reason. the only hate crime they would ever consider would be against a turk. maybe this guy and his bodyguard should take a look at themselves and their actions and figure out why people of any color keep stabbing them

    • Axomamma

      I don’t know – what’s his name what got stabbed is a feckin’ ginger, so all bets are off.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Upping their game from Punching a Nazi. Could get ugly(er).

  • akryan

    Hey, he’s flashing the “OK” sign that definitely hasn’t turned into a white power sign for the alt-right. They’re just trolling it for the lulz libtards.

  • OddMan

    Stop the bill.
    Copy this down and do something.
    Phone numbers.
    Find your Senator at:
    https://www.senate.gov/senators/contact/
    And if you want to really make a difference call the individual health staff for your Senator:
    http://congressional-staff.insidegov.com/d/a/Senate

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      And Resistbot. Text 50409 and compose a fax that will be sent to both of your senators and your congress critter.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Can’t all we Aryans just get along?

  • Le Covfefe Royal

    All this Caucasian-on-white violence has to stop.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I have an Armenian friend, and I’m pretty sure she considers herself white.

    • HiEm818

      Armenians or the OG whites lol, all white people come from Armenians

  • Relativicus

    We really have to call this guy “Baked Alaska”?

  • Juan de Fuca

    I hope this “bodyguard” had his Come to Jesus moment like the boxer in The Canvas Bullet episode of the Naked City, where the boxer gets beaten to within an inch of his life and realizes he’s never going to make it in that line of work. I’ve never known any bodyguards but assume it takes a good amount of situational awareness and judgment. Getting out of your car to confront two other men who’ve gotten out of their car after you’ve mouthed off to them is probably one of the worst judgment calls ever. And the whole altright movement is a one-way ticket to palookaville. Get away from that crowd also.

    Use some of that money you’re sure to receive from that GoFundMe account and find a new identity.

  • x111e7thst

    body-boi seems about as real as “gangsters” who stab a guy 9 times and don’t manage to kill him. imho

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I’m guessing a lot of slashing maybe and no hits to vital organs?

  • Anna_in_pdx

    Thank you for writing this in such a cool noir style. Can you do a Damon Runyon style post next time? Can there be a series?

    • NorthernSaber

      Yes, indeed! Can’t wait for “Scandinavian Noir Night”- so many to choose from! Great idea😊

  • mailman27

    Four (1/2?) words for ya, Dok– Why you I oughta…

  • Angela Ruzzo

    So we get another right-wing fat white guy complaining about being beat up after he opened his right-wing fat white mouth in the wrong place to the wrong people at the wrong time. What a crybaby. Hey, crybaby, freedom of speech has consequences.

    • Grokenstein

      “The tree of freedumb needs to be watered occasionally with the blood of alt-right neckbeards and ineffective bodyguards.” Am I remembering that statement correctly?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I think so. But can we add something about Orange Cheetos?

  • Panika MCD

    I didn’t see it comin’ is the “body guard’s” excuse for getting stabbed? worst body guard ever. Baked Nebraska is pretty lucky it wasn’t what they’re claiming it was or he might have taken a dirt nap also. I only wish them dirt naps with votes. but maybe the Twitster fire can comfort his best friend with a little Whitney Houston impression:

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D9qOcaBhLh3Q&ved=0ahUKEwjW8IedvdDUAhUJ34MKHUv0ADsQt9IBCKwBMBk&usg=AFQjCNEHfPeq6jzyMpPmZiX4U9kRW-bJUA

    • mancityRed6

      hey now, Nebraska has a claim to fame of being a home of Malcom X. the site isn’t great, but I did see it when I was in Omaha. Pics are on a hard drive somewhere, dammit.

      • Panika MCD

        also too home to many corn fields and you know what they grow in corn fields!

        • mancityRed6

          oh, but the great pot fields are supposed to be in Kansas. well, I’ve seen the movie, anyway.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I’ve always assumed corn.

          • Panika MCD

            and its children!

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Yeah and he saw his dad lynched there so I’m guessing no good memories of Nebraska.

  • Be sure you nice white liberals don’t end up beaten, stabbed or shot by some of your many liberal “friends” who consider you, simply because white, an oppressor and a racist against whom violence is by definition legitimate self-defense.

  • Alex Grey

    “The suspects fled a short time later, and the victim realized he had been stabbed”
    He was stabbed nine times, and didn’t realize it until after the suspect fled the scene?

    • Alt-dog

      I think that six inch layer of protective Baked Alaska fat covering his vital organs may have helped.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        this is what i tell people about my fat – i have my own insulation AND body armor.

        • Yellerduck

          I have a friend who is in great shape. She recently bought a weighted vest to enhance her exercise routine. I told her I had her beat. Mine was free (or at least included in the price of breakfast tacos), I don’t have to remember to take it with me or put it on, and I get to wear it all the time!

      • Panika MCD

        MERINGUE LIBELZ!!!

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Alcomalhol.

  • ryp

    I’m not buying the anti-white crime victimization, anti-ginger maybe, as gingers do seem to get undue verbal abuse from other white people. He should probably stick with that.

    • Shanzgood 16 Days

      But it doesn’t bother us because we have no souls.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        What is it with this one?

        • Shanzgood 16 Days

          I think they’re just joking around.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Ha. Ha. Ha.

            I have laughed now. So perhaps it will feel content and leave.

      • James

        My wife was a ginger (before I met her), but her hair turned grey (also before I met her) before she was thirty. Does that mean she regained her soul? (That would be something like Angel in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, except a Roma curse puts a soul into an atheist and turns her hair grey or something.)

        • Shanzgood 15 Days

          No. I’m pretty sure once you’re a ginger, you’re always a ginger. Romas have no power over us, bwahahaha!

  • snigsy

    About trolls: they can only find their “identity,” their “soulful meaning” in the metaphoric oxygen of the internet. Without their ability to anonymously attack (or “attack”) what they see as their others, they are simply anonymous nobodies.

    (All of the above is obvious, but I’m slightly drunk and therefore it is a BIG THOUGHT.)

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Nothing wrong with being slightly drunk, *hic* and BIG THOUGHTS are good.

      • snigsy

        Thanks, sweetheart. ;)

      • Weird Fishes

        Thought Big, Dreamed Big, Got Big!

        Well, okay, one out of two.

  • the white-hating bad guys were Armenians

    Caucasians Against Whites…

    • Michael Lindsay

      The Caucasus is invading caucasians. Build a wall!!!

    • phoenix00

      This white-on-white violence. So underreported.

  • It would be irresponsible of me to ignore the fact that anybody who would escalate a routine automotive conflict into a potentially lethal brawl has no business being in the bodyguard business.

    • Gussie Jives

      That’s how Kevin Costner played it in that movie, right?

  • fawkedifiknow

    I was just tellin’ the little woman that they gotta make it illegal for Armenians to carry knives. And then this happens.

  • Odd Jørgensen

    the “professional bodyguard” what got himself stabbed after mouthing off the armenians, is in need of your help to pay for his medical bills, because of course he refused to buy any Obamacare. GoFundme is the official health care provider for these mouthbreathers I guess. Fucking morons.

    • Matt Keasler

      Should also be noted that “Baked Alaska” doesn’t provide his employees health coverage despite exposing them to dangerous work environments.

  • I have searched all over my home and I still can’t find any fucks to give for this fat moron.

    • texcynical

      You don’t keep a separate big bag of fucks?

      • MOG253

        Costco! For the really big bag.

    • Panika MCD

      fucks are a finite resource. we ladies can’t afford to give them out to just anyone!

      • Matt Keasler

        “In fact, there’s some kind of fuck deficit. It turns out you actually owe ME fucks.”

  • phoenix00

    TL;DR: So big white tough guy turns out to be not so tough snowflake, blames other white tough guys.

    Am I getting this right?

    • James

      I’m guessing Armenian doesn’t count as “white guy” in this fellow’s wheelhouse (that would be a hamster wheel in his cranium)

  • ken_kukec

    Lettin’ your inner Damon Runyan run loose on this one, Dok?

  • Rosacaustin

    my classmate’s half-sister makes $72 every hour on the internet. She has been without a job for eight months but last month her payment was $16159 just working on the internet for a few hours.Here’s the site to read more……++++++++++++++++++++
    ➜➜➜http://www.GlobalTopJobsOnlineAccessGoto/Wage/Home….
    ✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹✹::::ar258…

  • Anna E Killsright, Agent KELLY

    I’ve got Spammers posting replies to me, which means Trolls have targeted me. Bring It, Comrades. I don’t give a flying fuck in the Pope’s hat what Racists, Rapists, Russians, MRAs, or Christians think of *ANY* damned thing.

  • Tovarish Z

    Here’s a crazy idea, if you end up in a confrontation where the other people have gotten out of their car…don’t get out of your car.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I missed this post yesterday. LOVE the hard-boiled thing, Dok.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    That bodyguard looks like Seth Rogan fucked a donut and the resulting child was raised on Hitler propaganda…

  • MOG253

    Let his alligator mouth overload his jaybird ass? (My ex’s favorite)

  • Bigby

    Do I hear Bix’s cornet wailing in the background and is that Burma Shave I smell?

  • NotConvinced

    Tony “4 scoops” probably thought at worst he would be bonked on the sconce. Instead he got the shiv nine times.

  • notanncoulter

    i now hate this guy.
    if i stab him 9 more times will it THEN be a hate crime?
    oops… this is probably a commenting violation, even though it’s just a ‘would it for example…?’ hypothetical. apologies.

    • doktorzoom

      Yep, it definitely violates the rules, which you should review. Here’s a crazy idea: If you want to say something you know is in violation of the standards, either say it someplace else or not at all, instead of saying it and adding “this might violate the rules.” It’s kind of passive aggressive, you know?

      — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

  • Bigby

    It thought it was the *Armenian’s* job to get stabbed…by Nately’s whore, after flying his 27th mission.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    What kind of asswipe considers “Armenian” a “race”?

  • squidkid

    When will the right learn that basically no people of color use “cracker”?? Or whitey. Or honkey.

    I’m brown and have never heard any of that. Only “gringo” and the occasional eyeroll-shrug combo followed by “Siiiiiiigh, White people”.

  • gratuitous

    Sam Spade knew: “The cheaper the hood, the gaudier the patter.” Although “gaudy” is kind of a snooty French-sounding word.

  • Lily412

    Love the noir lingo, Dok.

  • Weird Fishes

    So… I wonder. I can’t imagine being the goon for an Alt-Right knuckledragger pays all that well, so…what’s his health care plan?

  • #NoF uckingSympathy.

    #NotOneDrop.

    -_-

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