Rep. Devin Nunes is the slow-witted chair of the House Intelligence Committee who was a member of the Trump transition team, the guy who ended up having to recuse himself from the Trump-Russia investigation for ethical reasons, because the House Committee on Ethics is investigating him for helping Donald Trump obstruct justice during that week when he dramatically ghosted off to get “secret” “intelligence” on “wire tapps” from the White House, then immediately raced to the White House so he could tell the White House the exciting things he had learned from the White House. Did we mention he’s not that bright?
Anyhow, Devin Nunes has some announcements to make. First of all, he didn’t recuse himself from the Russia investigation! You see, back when he recused himself, he didn’t use the word “recuse,” therefore it’s not a recusal, like are you dumb like a common Devin Nunes and therefore incapable of understanding this?
“I never recused myself,” the House Intelligence Committee chairman reportedly said in an interview with KMJ’s Ray Appleton. “This was essentially made up by the media.”
FAKE NEWS! You see, he’s ON A BREAK from the “Russia side of the investigation,” but he’s still involved in the very important work of licking Donald Trump’s nut sack by issuing subpoenas related to “unmasking,” which is a totally normal practice in the intelligence community, but is simultaneously Trump and the GOP’s latest fake news buzzword for “thing we tell Republican voters is very bad, and we know they’re too stupid to look these things up for themselves, so they’ll just believe us.” It’s in the same category as “Fast and the Furious” and “But her emails!”
Of course, it’s been reported that, while his colleagues on the House Intelligence Committee are at least attempting to do an actual investigation, Devin Nunes is fingering himself in the corner ALL BY HIMSELF with these “unmasking” subpoenas, because they are literally not part of any real investigation.
Nunes had another announcement this past weekend, and it is that it doesn’t really matter if he’s “recused” or “on a break” from the Russia investigation anyway, because he, VERY SMART CHIPMUNK-LOOKIN’ MENSA CHAPTER PRESIDENT that he is, has already done the investigation and found that there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia to steal the 2016 election:
House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes said Saturday there “was never any collusion between Donald Trump and the Russians,” casting himself as a victim of media bias and calling on Washington to “stop chasing Russian ghosts around the closet.” […]
Nunes, addressing GOP donors in Orange County, said that after searching for any evidence of collusion, “I said ‘OK, I don’t think there’s any collusion here.’ And what happened to me? All the major papers in the country did a total character assassination on me. Why? Because I was telling the truth, that there was never any collusion between Donald Trump and the Russians.”
LOL you guys, do you need a moment to wrap your head around the fact that Devin Fucking Nunes thinks he’s intelligent enough to have already arrived at the conclusion that there was no collusion between Trump and Russia, whereas Robert Fucking Mueller is a big dumb?
Maybe Nunes is still part of the cover-up. Is that possible? WHOA IF TRUE.
Since Nunes is not “recused” from the Russia investigation he has already completed in his brain, he might be interested to learn that disgraced former national security adviser/literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn is under fire EVEN MORE, for maybe being a literal actual foreign agent for Saudi Arabia, on top of his literal actual foreign agent work for Turkey and Russia. Rep. Elijah Cummings, ranking member on the House Oversight Committee, has sent a scathing letter to Flynn’s company and his associates demanding documents related to Saudi Arabian business trips (for deals that also involved the Russians, HOW WEIRD!) Flynn appears to have lied about/conveniently omitted on his security clearance forms.
Meanwhile, the Washington Post is reporting that the federal grand jury impaneled in the Eastern District of Virginia issued subpoenas this spring for documents related to contacts between Donald Trump’s first campaign manager Paul Manafort and his ONE MILLION THOUSAND weird “business associates” in Russia and Ukraine, including this one Ukrainian dude who used to be in the Russian military, with whom Manafort met several times during the campaign. The guy’s name is Konstantin Kilimnik, and he apparently bragged after his meetings with Manafort last year that he was a big part of why the Trump campaign got Free Handjobs For Vladimir Putin But Sanctions Are Dirty added to the Republican platform.
But we’re sure Nunes has already read all those documents and determined there was nothing amiss. After all, he has finished the investigation that’s still ongoing and from which he is recused but not actually recused, right? Definitely absolutely for sure.
We can’t think of any more ways to call Devin Nunes a remarkably stupid fuckstain on the B-hole of the American political system, so this post is over.
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