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A Tale Of Two Newts:

Oh golly, what changed? Special prosecutor Robert Mueller is, of course, one of the most respected public servants we have, and his reputation, as Newt said in his first tweet, is unimpeachable. Is he upset because Mueller is actually hiring the best people for the investigation? As GQ notes, the team Mueller is building “include[s] men and women responsible for bringing down Nixon, Enron and the mafia,” and one of his recent hires, Deputy Solicitor General Michael Dreeben, was referred to as “quite possibly the best criminal appellate lawyer in America” in a post at Lawfare. It’s almost like Mueller is actually serious about this investigation, and the quality of his hires seems to signal that there’s a LOT of “there” there, and he wants to have only the best and brightest by his side so they can really dig in and find the truth.

That is not what Newt Gingrich wanted. You see, when Mueller was announced, Mueller was still a paragon of “honesty and integrity” in the tiny brains of Gingrich and Trump, just like they used to think James Comey was a totally great guy. But now Mueller, like Comey did before him, is actually acting independently, instead of pledging his loyalty to Trump and making this matter go away.

Reaction to Gingrich’s little whine tweet came swiftly, even from conservatives, as Chuck Todd found when he took to Twitter to ask, “Fucking for real, Newt?”

Ooh, Ken Starr, now THERE’S an idea!

To be clear, the team Mueller is assembling will get to the truth, whether Newtie and Donald like it or not. And if there’s truly nothing to be found, they will find that! We doubt they’re going to find “nothing,” though.

What sorts of lawyers and judges would Newt Gingrich like to see on Mueller’s team? Wonkette has ideas:

  • ORLY TAITZ. She will find Obama’s real birth certificate, and as a plus, if anybody on Mueller’s team happens to need any emergency dental work, they won’t even have to leave the office. Orly does dental work!
  • TREY GOWDY. He will finally learn the truth about Benghazi and forget to investigate possible collusion between Trump and Russia and obstruction of justice ENTIRELY!
  • MICHELE BACHMANN. She is a fun-employed lawyer of some sort we think?
  • SOME OF THOSE AMBULANCE CHASERS WITH TV COMMERCIALS: Hey, you need lawyers who are on the level with Trump’s own personal lawyer Marc Kasowitz!
  • MARC KASOWITZ: What? How would that be unfair or unethical?
  • TRUMP GOON IDIOT MICHAEL COHEN: He probably knows a lot about Trump’s possible collusion with Russia! Wait, he’s being investigated by Congress? SAYS WHO?
  • SUPERLAWYER LARRY KLAYMAN: He could use the investigation to work toward his latest scheme, which is imprisoning liberals! Or he could just sue Hillary Clinton some more, because as John McCain memorably informed us during the Comey hearing, there is a DOUBLE STANDERT being applied, where Hillary isn’t even being investigated for colluding with Russia to steal the election from herself.
  • RUDY GIULIANI: Pfffffffft, you say “but he’s probably a target of the investigation!” We’re sure he could just sign a waiver.
  • JUDGE JUDY: Always good for a zinger! Probably more skilled than all the other people we’re listing, though, so we’ll call her a “maybe.”
  • JUDGE NAPOLITANO FROM FOX NEWS: Shouldn’t the real investigation be about whether Barack Obama did illegal “wire tapps” inside Trump’s fat rolls, at the Trump Tower? Napolitano was the one who planted that seed in Trump’s bad brain in the first place, so maybe he knows something!
  • JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO FROM FOX NEWS: You know, while we’re pulling idiots from Dead Roger Ailes’s Stable Of Genius.
  • JEFF SESSIONS: Because why do we need a special prosecutor at all, when we already have a nice racist attorney general who maybe perjured the everloving fuck out of himself about his own contacts with the Russians? Oh wait, he is busy testifying for the Senate Intelligence Committee this week? Well fiddlesticks.

In Newt Gingrich’s perfect world, where Newt Gingrich is considered smart and attractive and Donald Trump is innocent and competent, that would be a bangin’ team. But over here in the real world, we guess we’ll stick with Robert Mueller and the incredibly smart, skilled and savvy team he’s building, the one with the track record of vanquishing errbody who ever needed vanquishing.

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  • canes_pugnaces

    So which is fiction: House of Cards or reality?

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Wow! Chode D. Toad actually hit back against Newt Gingrich. Look who’s a big boy!

    • MynameisBlarney

      His mawma musta put his big-boy pants on this mornin’!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    My theory: Newtie is panicking at the thought that Mueller could cost helmet-haired Callista her Ambassadorship.

  • Villago Delenda Est
    • Joe Beese

      “Can you make sure to get the showers in the background?”

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

      That is obscene.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Their tone-deafness is truly staggering.

      • willi0000000

        i don’t user that word lightly . . . i don’t think a lot of things condemned by many others are obscene . . . and you are entirely correct when you said “That is obscene.”

        [ that’s right up there with a rich person hurting others to get more money ]

    • MynameisBlarney

      I don’t understand why anyone would want a tourist pic of themselves at Auschwitz.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

        Indeed. And smiling, to boot.

        • MynameisBlarney

          If i was there I’d be struggling not to cry my damn eyes out.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            Indeed. I think of the footage I’ve seen of GIs Liberating the camps, and of General Patton making German civilians come look at the horrors within.

          • janecita

            Auschwitz, was liberated by the Soviet Army.

          • MrTusks

            You want a subpoena too, comrade?

          • janecita

            “I didn’t have sex with that Russian exchange student, wait, I did!”

      • theblackdog

        I expect them to take their Xmas Card pics this year in front of the Holocaust Museum

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I was going to guess Newtie in a Swiss Guard’s uniform and Callista in the Sistine Chapel giving a thumb’s up.

          Message: Having a Wonderful Xmas, Losers!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Isn’t it obvious?

        Arbeit Macht Selfie.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Given Gingrich’s usual range of facial expression, this is howling with laughter.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I think Newt was confused – thought he was at Disney.

    • georgiaburning

      Did Callista ask where she could buy some of that soap they used to make?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      This is precisely The Couple from Hell who should be creeping around Vatican City on our behalf.

      Her freaking out the Pope.

      Him, looking for the nearest Bungabunga Party.

    • Are we sure that’s not the gate in front of his house?

      • amrak63

        If Newt got his way, it would be over the gate of all those orphanages he wanted built to house the children of “unworthy” parents.

        Not too many people read Oliver Twist and want to use it as an operating manual.

        “Newt” is certainly an appropriate nickname for this dude. He certainly reminds me of a slimy, cold-blooded creature which crawled out from under a rock.

        • willi0000000

          can’t remember who (an old, i am) said:

          “newt gingrich is a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounds like”

  • Joe Beese
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Nick Fury, he is not. Benjamin Sisko, he is not.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I’m saddened that this man looks so much like my favorite hockey enforcer Sandy McCarthy

    • Crank Tango

      Somewhere, a timeline is missing its evil sheriff.

    • Vecchioivan

      It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Its – Captain Face Hair!!

      • MynameisBlarney

        And if that ain’t a Lee Press On Goatee, my name is Aloisius P. McGillicuddy III.
        And it’s not.

        • Indivisible Snark Tank

          “But you can call me Al”

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

      Is he trying to look like a badass, or sitting on a cigar?

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Co-chaired with Arpaio.

    • crisptickle

      I’m sure I’ve seen some gay porn featuring this dude.

    • Shibusa

      How about an investigation into the Sheriff’s replica badges and medals.

    • Fartknocker

      Lot’s of flair you got there Officer Putz.

    • greyXstar

      Did he look at himself when he styles that thing?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    So, this is cheery. Jon Ossoff is actually using his money on his ground game.

    Just how deeply has the June 20 runoff touched Georgia 6th District’s residents?

    Consider this: A majority of voters — 54 percent — told pollsters commissioned by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution that they have been contacted in person by Democrat Jon Ossoff’s campaign. About one-quarter have been reached face-to-face by Republican Karen Handel’s backers.

    And that barrage of TV ads is having an impact as well — even if many prefer not to admit it. About one-third of 6th District residents report the campaign spots influenced their vote, including almost equal numbers of Democrats, Republicans and
    independents.

    • Meccalopolis

      So the ads are a wash, which is the best you can hope for. Ground game is where you get the most traction

      • Carpe Vagenda

        It also means the people the voters are talking to are more likely to be their neighbors, which in a flip election is super important.

    • willi0000000

      good news!

      if i remember correctly (and this time i think i do) the only election Tip O’Neil ever lost was the one where he didn’t bother campaigning in his own neighborhood . . . he figured everybody knew him already . . . and they probably did!

      [ difference between Ds and Rs . . . Tip learned from his experience ]

  • BearGHAZI

    You have the power to leave this man, Callista. Just get a terminal illness

    • Vecchioivan

      An annulment ought to be a slam dunk.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      He calls her Roomba. Because she’s a robot and she sucks.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Only on birthdays or when whore diamonds are involved. And even the birthday blow job is iffy.

  • The views from the Bribe-dal Suite are AMAZING!!!1!1!
    https://twitter.com/kahaimnadze/status/850012655347789824

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      They are not even trying to hide it anymore, are they?

      • ariel_gee_398

        Subtle bribes don’t work on someone as dumb as Donald.

    • PubOption

      Poor spelling. The d shouldn’t be there and the final e should be an i.

      • Does Trump sound smart to you? 😂😂😂😂

        He can’t even spell “coverage”, yet here you are making yourself look like a genius! 😀

  • msanthropesmr

    Don’t forget Robert Kardashian and Lionel Utz.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

    By God, when Cuck Choad thinks you’re an Asshole….

    • It’s basically the KKK condemning the Westboro Baptists all over again.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

        *nods*

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s a start but only a start.

      The Trump Brats’ level is already above-average.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I suppose that Newtie would be satisfied with Mr. Tulkinghorn since he is dead and a fictional character.

  • Love the ambulance chaser idea. Trump can finally get his $10.8M** judgement for his Cerebral Putzy.

    **reduced to a kick in the nuts

  • Crank Tango

    Who knew that prosecutors may be biased against criminals.

  • msanthropesmr

    Well, Roy Cohn is dead.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      You can tell because Donald Trump is no longer avoiding him.

  • La forza del resistino
    • Villago Delenda Est

      If you’re looking for a loser, this is where you find one. Using scotch tape as a tie tack.

      • Shibusa

        Real men use duct tape.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          I staple mine…which also works as an emergency pants hem for that nicely finished “tailored” look.

          • Meccalopolis

            Done that. Ever use rope when you forget your belt?

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            A couple of times.

      • La forza del resistino

        Cary Grant would’ve worn a diamond tie stud.

  • msanthropesmr

    Perry Mason?

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Is the State of Missouri Deliberately Trying to Suppress the Vote as Elections Loom?
    https://www.aclu.org/blog/speak-freely/state-missouri-deliberately-trying-suppress-vote-elections-loom

    • TJ Barke

      I’d be shocked if they weren’t.

      • BadKitty904

        Sheeple, etc.

    • weejee

      Guess the Show Me State showed us.

      • BadKitty904

        If Missourians let them…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, Katie.

  • FDRliberal

    “As GQ notes, the team Mueller is building “include[s] men and women responsible for bringing down Nixon, Enron and the mafia,”

    Brought down Nixon, Enron and the mafia? Perfect team to bring down the Orange Scumbag. Trump is a dishonest president, his ‘businesses’ are a complete con, and he talks and acts like a Mafia boss.

    Trump: “Hey Comey, you and I got this ‘thing’ y’know? Will you promise me your loyalty?”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Nice Constitution you have, here. Would be a shame if anything happened to it.”

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        It’s a good thing you didn’t use the word “hope” or I’d really have worried that wasn’t a threat.

        • Shibusa

          How’s that Threaty-Changey stuff working out for ya?

          • Rachel Book Harlot

            Did you watch Joy this weekend? She had Lawrence on and they had a blast with the whole “hope” logic the repub tried to use. It was so funny.

  • msanthropesmr

    Barnaby Jones? Somebody say Columbo.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Maaannix!

      • msanthropesmr

        Barnaby Jones.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

          Hey, you! Get off McCloud!

          • MynameisBlarney

            MATLOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKK!!!!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Great minds wearing onions as belts, etc.

          • MynameisBlarney

            It was the fashion at the time.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

          Ironside.

      • Pilotshark

        Hey if you want to do the crime you have to do the time,
        Baretta

    • Vecchioivan

      Inspector Clouseau?

    • Pilotshark

      Cannon!

      • Meccalopolis

        Awesome show

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      This ain’t America Most Wanted! This is America’s Most Mackin’!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Burke’s Law!

    • msanthropesmr

      Who is the man who is the man who is the man who is the man??

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        C’mon Y’all C’mon Y’all and work work it out Y’all!

      • Meccalopolis

        Shut yo mouth!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Maaaaaaaaaaaaaatlock!

  • capnkrunch
    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Bow tie. Check
      Smarmy smile. Check.
      Self-serving rationalizations. Check.

      HEY. This guy is Tucker Carlson.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      This guy’s probably 100x better than Trump’s current lawyer.

    • Doug Langley

      Just a gut feeling, but I have a hunch his tan is a bit dark for Donnie’s taste.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        He’d just assume Ben Carson was now practicing law as well as medicine.

  • Shibusa

    Newt’s checking with Vatican authorities to see if he can have his May 17th Mueller tweet annulled.

    • weejee

      genuflects

  • TJ Barke

    Hey, wingnuts, he has nothing to fear if he has nothing to hide, which is a line you tools are so fond of trotting out.

  • Spurning Beer

    GERALDO RIVERA: Because mustache.

    JUDGE ROY MOORE: Nothing is wrong with the administration that some commandments won’t fix.

    LOUIE GOHMERT: He knows better than to cast asparagus.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Meanwhile, Trump’s bigly competent lawyer is telling White House staff not to hire counsel for themselves. ‘Cause that’s a thing you do when an investigation is afoot and you are . . . um . . . lemme see . . . establishing a basis for a post-conviction petition?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair, he is protecting his client’s best interests by trying to trick everyone else into abandoning their own best interests. (And doing it in a sneaky, underhanded and unethical manner.)

      Which works in Trump-o-World.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        And it couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          But are they that stupid?

          Silly question. Of course they are.

          But when they are indicted and the scales fall from their eyes, they will descend on their ex-CiC like a swarm of angry piranhas.

    • MrTusks

      Dear Scapegoats Underlings Valued Staff,

      Rest assured that my personal attorney has every intention to blame defend you to the fullest extent of the law. Please do not feel the need to protect yourselves take on additional expense during these ongoing legal issues. Doing so will create unnecessary impediments to throwing you under the bus reaching the inevitable conclusion to all this unpleasantness: Donnie gets off Justice is done.

      Hail to the Chief, Bootlickers God Bless America,
      President Donald J. Trump

      DJT/imt

      • Mehmeisterjr

        PS: Please send me your ice cream. I want all ice cream.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    This is a job for Detective Bensen. As long as the job involves says “It’s OK” and “I need a bus!” about a billion times.

    • Spurning Beer

      Mueller will need to hire a sound effects person to do that “DONK DONK” sound.

  • blarg

    You know, I’d like to see what Judge Judy did with this investigation. I have a feeling she’d be a lot more competent than the rest of the bozos you mention.

  • Mavenmaven

    Now that Gingrich will have to show fanatical devotion to the Pope, his next inquisitory suggestion might be something nobody expects!

    • Spurning Beer

      To judge by appearances, Newt has been extensively tortured with the Comfy Chair for the past few years.

      • jodyleek

        And the rack (of ribs).

  • BMW

    As long as we are naming judges, I’d like to see Judge Dredd on the team. The cool one played by Karl Urban, not the shitty Sylvester Stallone one.

  • La forza del resistino

    Trump announces apprenticeship program. Gary Busey says, ‘like it helped my career.’

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Gary Busey? You mean Qusay’s dad?

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • C4TWOMAN

    Hypocritical lying sleazebag says what?

  • Indiepalin

    Too bad the late Chief Justice Oliver Wendall Douglas is no longer with us.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The chores!

      • msanthropesmr

        “But Olivah, I don’t vant to move to Washington DC!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Other suggestions:
    Captain Jack Ross (Lt Daniel Kaffree’s victim A Few Good Men)
    Hamilton Burger (Perry Mason’s victim)
    Bob Loblaw
    Barry Zuckerkorn
    Ghost of Eddard Stark
    Jim Trotter III (My Cousin Vinny)

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Well Bob Loblaw is played by Scott Baio so it is possible.

      • Indivisible Snark Tank

        Bob’s too busy updating his Law Blog.

  • Vecchioivan

    There is only one man with the requisite public trust for this job …

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigmeat_Markham

    • weejee

      My avatar would like a word.

    • Teto85

      Here come de judge!!!!

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Newt proves his head expands with more lies and stupidity.

    “Hey, I was SOMEBODY, once!” Then he wasn’t.

    • weejee

      More like a pretender than a contender.

      / with apologies to Chrissy and the boyz.

  • Bemused Australian

    Newt Gingrich… inconsistent? I’m shocked. Just really shocked. And he seemed like such a nice fellow.

  • I checked the feckless report…

    Someone has got a bad case of edema.
    http://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyu31rxIGj1r67v0go1_400.gif

  • Bemused Australian

    I vote for Lionel Hutz. Trump can have a fictional lawyer to defend his fictitious claims.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    I hear Paula Abdul is looking for work. She was always the fair one, you know.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      Yeah, Dawg, you know, yeah.

    • Khavrinen

      I dunno, Republicans probably don’t want to go with someone quite that harsh and negative.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Why is it that every time a Republican opens his mouth or Tweets, I am reminded of a Monty Python skit?

    • msanthropesmr

      Really opens the sluices at both ends.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Specifically, the “Upper Class Twit of the Year” skit?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Yeah, that was a great skit. Hell, they were all great skits, and astonishingly still relevant. Run away!!!

    • Teto85

      Don’t get me started. I am in the market for a new garden shed and the Mrs wants one of her own and if we are going to get a new one it will be for her and I can just fix mine up. And the girls have seen this show on Disney called Andy Max or some such thing and Andy has a shed where she does her craft projects or some such thing and now they want sheds. I think I am just going to put a case in the fridge and set the TARDIS for “long, long time ago and far, far away.”

      • Angela Ruzzo

        You could do what my father did when I was 4 and wanted a tree house. He bought the lumber, and it sat around in the back yard for 10 years, and he never built it. I’m 60 now, and still waiting for it, and he is dead. But you know what? I got over it when I was 13 and became addicted to “Dark Shadows.” Then I wanted my own crypt, forgot all about the tree house. At 16 I forgot about the crypt and wanted a car. At 18 I wanted to get the hell out of my parent’s house and get my own apartment. Time heals all wounds.

        • Teto85

          That’s the ticket. Have them help on their mum’s and build their own after that one is done. A little “sweat equity.”

          • Angela Ruzzo

            That’s a very good idea. They will also learn a useful skill.

  • Spurning Beer

    DAVID AND CHARLES KOCH: Because you can’t spell “investigate” without “invest.”

    • pstockholm

      What do we have now, investigate-gate?

  • Johnny Appleseed

    CrazyTrain Bachman would be very entertaining. Sarah of The North, as well.

  • jesterpunk

    They want Rick Astley, he will never give them up or let them down.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      I understand Rick will lend you ANY of his Pixar DVDs, except one.

      http://wallpapercave.com/wp/Ou1L18s.jpg

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

      I believe I am unique in my appreciation for the music and style of one Rick Astley. :) He makes me smile, and dance.

      • jesterpunk

        I like that song too.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

          Come, join us at the fire!

      • jodyleek

        That deep bass resonance in his voice means he’s got it going on, if you know what I mean.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

          Yes, I do. :D

        • CindyinEncinitas

          Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Well, bless his heart!

  • baconzgood

    The last thing this investigation needs is to investigate.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    That’s the great thing about taking all sides on an issue. Regardless of the eventual outcome you can claim victory and walk away all smug-like in your prescience.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Ók this is totally OT But I hope this brings some smiles to faces. My ex and I just had our daily phonecall about our son to talk about his day. This morning they where in her car singing along to songs on the radio when they got in a traffic jam. While singing a black Audi was next to them apparantly appreciating their sing along to Ed Sheeran when all of a sudden the window opened and it turned out te be our former queen now princess Beatrix! They had a small chat together and she waived and talked to my son about what a great little entertainer he was. Then the traffic jam got to and end and they parted ways while my ex rambled to my son: “Do you know who that was?” God, what an awesome experience for my son and ex. Bless them and our royals for such a small but great gesture. :)

    • janecita

      That’s such a sweet story, thanks for sharing it.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      I hardly ever run into royalty! This is so cool!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Aw.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

      Oh, that’s wonderful. :D

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Do you mean to tell me that in your country people, even quite famous people, are nice? Even to children?

      That makes me smile and then depresses me.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Not just famous. Royals that could not care less according to many people but here the actually do.

    • Shanzgood

      How sweet!

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        I know right? Even the always cranky looking secret service agents were laughing fondly because of my sons’ adaptation of Shape of you by Ed Sheeran. :D

        • Shanzgood

          I also think it’s sweet that you and your ex communicate so often about your son. Mine got to be such an asshole about it after he got remarried to someone who hates kids that I could hardly speak to him without shouting. And he blames ME because they don’t want to spend any time with him.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            We’ve had our trials and tribulations when it comes to being on the same page about pretty much everything when it comes to seeing each other without a tense pressure filling the room but after reaching a certain armistice for the sake of Christian we started to speak to each other reminding ourselves of the good times we had and the fond feeling we still had in a way for our shared past.

            That and the fact that we both love our son helped to create this friendly environment. That does not mean we occasionally fight about things because ther is off course a reason we are no longer married but it is always in the safe structure that we won’t fuck over each other at the expense of Chris.

          • Shanzgood

            Yeah, my ex and I were similar to that until he got with his new wife. She “banned” my son from their house for telling her she was wrong about a thing, so for years after that the only way my ex could spend time with HIS OWN CHILDREN was to pick them up from my house and take them out somewhere.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Well that is pretty much his fault. If my girlfriend would suggest anything to favor her at the expense of Chris she would be back on the dating experience.

          • Shanzgood

            Yes, it is his fault. And I had to spend a bunch of money on court stuff to get her to stop screwing with me because she apparently keeps his spine in her sock drawer now.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg
          • Natalie

            Along with his male appendage apparently.

          • Shanzgood

            Nobody cares where that is.

    • Teto85

      Meh. If 139 people die my wife will be the Queen of Scotland and if 147 die I will be Tsar of Russia. :D

      Seriously, that is very cool, molto spiffy. Dutch royals are the best royals. Sorry, Liz.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Leave it to May and you just might be King of Scotland.

  • weejee
  • Jennifer R
    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Someone seems scared…

    • Ryan Denniston

      Totally innocent people behave. Exactly. Like. This.

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      “Only guilty people plead the Fifth.”

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I’m not sure this is going to end well.

  • azeyote

    well he can always tag along with his wife, see the pope, confess, repent his mean spirited ignorant ways and then howl a million hail mary full of grace rants at the moon –

  • jesuswasablack

    An old fat tired Gop’er contradicting himself, brazen displays of hypocrisy, accusing his political opponents of exactly what their side is pulling, I’m shocked, shocked I tell you!

    http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2008-09-04-Hypocrisy3.jpg

    • shivaskeeper

      Not just old, fat, and tired. He was hounded out of his own party as the house Speaker for being a blatant hypocrite among other things.

      He was cashiered by his own people.

      • Meccalopolis

        He lost seats AFTER impeaching the president. Goopers never get to accuse us of politically motivated witch hunts again. Of course, they will

        • shivaskeeper

          Of course it was after. The rank hypocrisy of prosecuting impeachment over a beej while committing adultery was too much for the base to handle at the time. Add in the failed contract with America and a few other things and the rank and file cashiered him.

          Now the base could care less. They don’t even pretend to have morals anymore.

    • shivaskeeper

      2ND reply. I don’t know o missed you calling him out on the hypocrisy, but I did.

  • janecita
    • Natalie

      That really sucks, it reminds me when they printed up “wanted” posters with the Doc’s pics on them, to get their borderline mentally ill people pointed at harming them. Then act all “Gosh, shucks they did what? We never told them to do that.” To me they lacked plausible deniability.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    I nominate Frito from Idiocracy.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      *grunts approvingly*

  • laughingnome

    Spicey up to bat. Looking scared.

  • baconzgood

    As a Pittsburgher and someone who has loved and played ice hockey since I was a wee piglet of 5…..

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/658810c9c8a1122b2a54108595014ade9914473bf85f4365d77792c1dee2ced4.jpg

    Fuckin’-A!

    • Indivisible Snark Tank

      And the Nashvillians lived up to the second half of their name with the boos during the presentation ceremony last night.

      • Shanzgood

        They didn’t chuck a catfish onto the ice again, did they?

        • baconzgood

          Twice. At least the Detroit Octopus makes sense. And it does intimidate.

          • Shanzgood

            Yeah. Catfish are just kind of goofy-lookin.

          • baconzgood
          • Shanzgood

            Wow!

          • baconzgood

            That’s why I don’t like the catfish. They have NO right to …it’s like the terrible towl.

          • Shanzgood

            But messier.

          • Teto85

            I have a program from the Indianapolis Racers 1978 with their rookies on the front cover. Two of those guys were Gretzky and Messier. I wonder how they did.

          • vivian

            I thought he retired.

          • Shanzgood

            That’s lost on me. I’ve watched exactly 2 hockey games in my life.

          • Jamespuck

            I met Mark Messier on Nantucket a couple years ago. Nice guy, nice family. Even though I dislike the Rangers and told him so. He was very gracious.

      • Teto85

        Very few, if any, fans of the home team applaud or cheer if the team hoisting the Cup are the visitors. As it was, it was a well played series and congrats to both teams for getting that far.

        • Indivisible Snark Tank

          Last year in San Jose, the fans were very gracious and applauded very loudly. They handled it with class.

          • Teto85

            I did as well. I was surprised the Sharks got that fare as they usually hold their charity golf tourney around mid May. I had to. The girls just adore Sid the kid.

        • baconzgood

          In hockey they do. The Minnesota North Stars cheered. So did Chicago. No. It’s a south/west coast thing to have sour grapes. I wouldn’t even boo the Flyers winning the cup.

          • greyXstar

            I wouldn’t even say it’s a South thing. I clearly remember applauding the Avs 20 years ago, even though the Panthers got swept. Nashville fans are just classless hillbillies.

      • dshwa

        You always boo Bettman if you’re a true hockey fan. Period. No exceptions. From the moment he appears until the moment he’s gone. Most home crowds boo him too. You can cheer once your captain skates off with the cup.

        • baconzgood

          I agree about that Bettman thing. Allowing 2 line passes (hockey is a game of zones) and that trapezoid shit where the goalie can’t play the puck) is dumb…also he’s trying to turn hockey into a pageant…and gave a team to Las Vegas in stead of Quebec City..and the 3 on 3 over time..and refereeing is completely weird and inconsistent because of the poor league managment.. what were we talking about again?

          • dshwa

            I actually like the 3 on 3 overtime. It’s the shootouts I hate.

        • Teto85

          Don’t you dare mention Bett*an. You put $1.00 into the swear jar right now. Or a toonie if you have one.

          • dshwa

            I’m a Devil’s fan. We invented booing him in ’95. We get a lifetime pass for that.

          • Teto85

            Booing him is fine. Just don’t mention his name.

          • Jamespuck

            The trap and booing. Hope your proud of yourselves

      • baconzgood

        See I didn’t like that last year either. Listen people, that is a Stanley Cup winning team.

        Of course how would you expect fans who rip off the infamous octopus (detroit) tossing with a carp. You can’t play hockey in the south. They don’t know the history that every hockey player knows. Like I bet if you asked them who did The Rocket play for they would probably think of a college football player.

        • NastyBossetti

          I don’t know. I live in Philly area, so booing at any- and everything feels right to me.

          • Teto85

            Philly crowds even booed Santa Claus. And threw batteries at him. He got even. Instead of coal they had to live in Philly.

          • NastyBossetti

            That happened nearly 50 years ago! I wasn’t even alive then. And it was snowballs, not batteries.

          • TakingAmes

            True. The batteries were thrown at the losing hockey team, as I recall.

        • Antonin Dvorak

          Both the Tampa Bay Lightning and Carolina Panthers have won the cup in recent years, FWIW.

        • Jamespuck

          He played for the dreaded, hated, Montreal Canadians.

        • Meccalopolis

          Notre dame

    • Shanzgood

      I’m gonna have to get cable, aren’t I?

      • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

        That’s what she said…..

        • Shanzgood

          Henh!

      • baconzgood

        No just a subscription to all hockey games (NHL, college mens/womans, the Russian and Swedish leagues, and Canadian jr’s) the Steelers and the Cubs.

        • Shanzgood

          But I need cable for that, right?

          • baconzgood

            If you need a Bolivian child wrapped in aluminum foil and nail down to your roof to meet that criteria then do it.

      • Major_Major_Major

        something something 5 hole something something won’t care

        • Shanzgood

          Wot?

        • baconzgood

          I get that.

    • MynameisBlarney

      A question for the ages.
      Is Hockey Sportsball?

      • Shanzgood

        Ha! My son and I had that conversation the other day! I told him it was, because there’s a round thing involved.

        • MynameisBlarney

          LOL

          Thanks for that!

          • baconzgood

            She’s in error.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I dunno, baconz…her logic is pretty solid.

          • Shanzgood

            Don’t argue with a sportsfanatic

        • baconzgood

          No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

          Sports ball is played in a “jersey” hockey players DON’T wear “jerseys” we wear “sweaters”

          You have just lost as many points as Baconz did for wanting to beat up a racist redneck.

          • Shanzgood

            *irritated Marge Simpson noise*

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            Perhaps the day will come when Sportsballers and Hockeyballers can graduate to a real Divertisment like Formula 1 racing.

          • Shanzgood

            Oh, but that’s not a sport regular people can play!

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            True, but it is loud, fast, and exciting. :)

          • Shanzgood

            I know. I used to watch it a lot until it started looking dodgy.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            xD It’s better this year. Mostly been Mercedes vs. Ferrari for wins, but lots of overtakes, not many shunts, no injuries at all.

          • Shanzgood

            IIRC, there was some scuttlebut about one of the drivers throwing a race so Schumacher could win. That’s when I lost interest. Mid to late 1990s I think.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            I was a huge fan of Schumi, I think I remember that, 99 or so,

        • puredog

          Is not round thing, which in sportsball means spherical thing. Is cylindrical thing.

          • Shanzgood

            What shape is a football?

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            An oblate spheroid.

          • Shanzgood

            It’s only round on one axis, though. Same as a puck.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            You’re right. It’s like a hideous revenant from a place of Dark Gods and foul deeds.

            Sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of the Cthulhu Mythos.

          • Shanzgood

            IM JUst bullshitting to annoy baconz, anyway. I haven’t studied geometry for decades, and even then my proofs were so baroque I had to explain them to my teacher before he could understand them.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

            I figured. If you can’t give your BF some grief, what’s it all for?

          • Canned Covfefe

            Snap!
            I know no-one says that any more but it just seemed to fit.

          • Querolous

            US or the rest of the world?

          • Shanzgood

            Ha! US, in this case!

      • baconzgood

        No. It is not. If you know how to ice skate it is the mostest awsomest thing. It’s up there with eating chocolate cake off your fantasy lover’s body while getting fucked on a roller-coaster.

        • Shanzgood

          So THAT’S why you keep trying to convince me to go to Kennywood…

          • baconzgood

            You know all about Kenny Wood amusement rides. Oh you mean the park with the merry-go-round

          • Shanzgood

            Oh! I just remembered I had a dream we were picking which roller coaster to ride and I was ADAMANT I wasn’t going on the one with the 3-mile vertical drop.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            can we get these two their own open thread?

            ; )

          • Shanzgood

            (sorry…)

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            totally kidding.
            it’s awesome

          • Shanzgood

            I did feel kind of guilty about it already.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            don’t, everybody loves it.

          • Shanzgood

            I might have to come back and check to make sure.

          • baconzgood

            Kenny Wood is in West Mifflin. You only saw one. The other has rides too.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Are you telling me that you haven’t been to Kennywood?

            I’m telling you, on my sacred honor as a yinzer, you have to go to Kennywood.

            It’s like going back in time to the days before the dreaded “Theme Parks.”

            It is also the only way to fully appreciate the phrase “Kennywood’s open.”

          • Shanzgood

            I’ll go next time if baconz lets me have my clothes back so I can leave the house!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It’ll be worth it.

          • Shanzgood

            It’s got a lot to live up to now.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Not really. You’ll have the time of your life in a park that doesn’t feature a ride based an ultra-violent feature film, based on an ultra-violent animation based on an ultra-violent comic book based on an actual ultra-violent attack.

          • Shanzgood

            (I meant after spending time with baconz!)

          • Mehmeisterjr

            That, too.

    • Jamespuck

      As a true puckhead myself, I congratulate Syd and his Pens, and of course my fellow Mass native Coach Sullivan. I have also been skating for many of years from mites to junior A. A Bruins fan, but Pittsburgh is my next. Mario is my all time fav.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        In French, “le mieux” literally means “the best” (before Trump tried to debase the whole concept of “the best.”)

        And even if we yinzers can only approximately pronounce his name, he is the best.

    • SeeTrain65

      “My Blue Jackets woulda beat you guys in the first round if they hadn’t waited until game three to learn what a puck was. And waited until game four to learn it was supposed to go in the opposite net.”

      Congrats, Baconz. Maybe one day a team I follow will win a title. But I doubt it.

  • Mary Theresa

    Thanks for the Orly Taitz reference, she used to be my fav rightwing nut job. Now we have one for preznit, and I can’t find the humor in it.

    • Bebecca

      How did you narrow it down to just one?

      • Mary Theresa

        She made me LOL the most.

  • jesuswasablack

    I can’t believe a special prosecutor is hiring prosecutors that have actually prosecuted people in the past? It’s like intend to prosecute someone if the evidence for prosecution is uncovered? SAD!
    http://media1.s-nbcnews.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Video/201706/2017-06-07T01-51-08-933Z–1280×720.video_770x443.jpg

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Maybe firing Comey and smearing him was not such a good idea.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It was the best idea. The Best Idea. Ever. Everybody says this. Bigly The Best.

        Until I fired Mueller. Because I wanted his ice cream.

        • Teto85

          Two scoops!!!!

        • puredog

          Jared had that idea! If anyone can have a great idea, it’s Jared!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          And he will fire Mueller, you know he will.

          And Mueller’s replacement, Jared.

    • Jamoche

      Double feature: The Untouchables and All The President’s Men.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Dolt would hire Russian judges who’d give all the GOP’ers 10’s and all the DEM’s 5’s (despite sticking the dismount).

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    We need some stumblebums and hopeless twits. Y’know, for balance!

    • Bobathonic

      I thought he brought a surfeit of them.

    • And hoofwanking bunglecunts.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Plus competent people have an unfair advantage when they go up against fuckwits.

  • Shibusa

    Newt’s old tweet got cancer so he had to dump it for a new tweet.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Where were you when the portal opened?

    http://i.imgur.com/2j0UtaM.jpg

  • Anna Rompage

    Are there any sane folks left in the GOP these days? Anyone sane folks at all?

    • laughingnome

      There was that one guy but he moved to San Marino.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        You can spend years getting to know the Huntington Library.

        • SigDeFlyinMonky

          We used to jump the back fence as kids.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            OMG so did my friend! Do you know Grant?

    • Shanzgood

      There were enough of them elected in the last KS midterms to override Brownback’s tax plan veto recently.

    • MynameisBlarney

      LOL

      No.

  • William

    Hey Newt. Here’s something for you to get really tweaked about. https://www.facebook.com/circa/videos/1419254188141302/

  • susan_g

    What I don’t get is why Mueller was given the job when Jared was always available.

  • Yellerduck

    Well, to be fair to Mueller, most of the idiots were used up on the Benghazi thing. The smart ones were the only ones left.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    They are all Hillary supporters, who trump beat by historical numbers. No one expected a republican to win the electoral college by such tremendous numbers.

  • whitroth

    Um, Evan? I just gots one question: what makes the Grinch a “reliable source” of *ANYTHING*?

  • Proud Liberal

    Guaranteed. Donald has met his match. The US Justice Department. He’s going down and is going to lose everything.

    • MynameisBlarney
      • Proud Liberal

        I read the Complaint filed by MD and D.C. He won’t get out of this. The facts are supported.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        There was a quote from someone yesterday and I’m feeling too lazy to linkey: “he’s used to playing ping pong, but he’s in the Super Bowl now”.

      • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

        Another one of our heroic CA reps! So proud of all our guys & gals–Adam Schiff (Cat Cafe’s very own rep), Kamala Harris, and now Brad Sherman (he represents the SF Valley). And of course our Governor Moonbeam has already signed a Paris-Accord-type pact with China, and our AG is all “you can’t touch THIS” to the Orange Oaf as regards all our national monuments (Sequoia Forest, San Bernadino Mountains, etc): http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-california-monuments-20170608-story.html

  • William
    • whitroth

      Def: geek – carny (carnival) slang, for the usually retarded guy in the freak show, billed as the Wild Man of Borneo, who made his living biting the heads off live chickens. Also, Newt Gingrich (the black sheep of the newt family, according to the Austin Lounge Lizards)

      • Cat Cafe for the Investigation

        I’m thinking that position’s already been taken by Steve Bannon, no?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Whew! For a minute there I thought we’d broken Dickus.

  • cmd resistor

    Isn’t it time for Newt to join his wife over in the Vatican and stop talking, also, too?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Is this really the plan? Character assassinate someone who made a career upholding the rule of law

    “WTF, Chuck, I’ve got no alternative!”

    – Newt

  • whitroth

    Hey, Evan – Wonkette’s got NO story about the Attorneys General of MD & DC suing Trumpolini in federal court for emoluments! This gone be REALLY UGLY for Orange Doody… and it’s a second front, nothing ’bout Russia, all about MONEY!

    • puredog

      I continue to think that the time-honored diktat to “follow the money” is more likely to bring Trumpie down than the political Russian stuff.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    I’d like to nominate these guys. They’re tough. You can tell because they ride motorcycles. Grrrr!
    https://youtu.be/3y0LTNUMLWQ

    • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

      Grrrrr. Law Tigerrrrrrrrrrrs.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      This law firm in Kentucky used to have commercials where one of them (Stigger) would morph into an actual Tiger like MJ in Thriller.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kprNGlcETE

      • ObscurePopCultureReference

        There was a session at the Kentucky Law Update where we were discussing attorney advertising, and those ads were referenced repeatedly. The tone of the remarks was not complimentary.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      True story: my ex-brother in law, with his new wife, took his old Harley hog to Sturgis one summer, then went for a ride out west of there. Some cougar took them for prey. It killed the cougar, but broke his leg in about a hundred places, and the Harley was never the same…

      • CindyinEncinitas

        A friend of mine got one for her 50th birthday. She had always wanted one. Her husband got one too so they could ride together. They took off out of the dealership, she crashed immediately, spiral fracture of her leg, was laid up for months, and Harleys were sold before she was up and around.

        • Shanzgood

          My local Harley dealership offers a weekend-long rider training course that’ll get you a motorcycle endorsement at the end. I sent my then-17yo son in it because…extra safety for something he was going to do anyway (like why I always made sure he had condoms).

          He eventually sold his bike after crashing multiple times (“It’s trying to kill me!”) but I’m glad he took the course in case it helped him not crash as badly as he might otherwise have.

          • Meccalopolis

            There’s a racing school in Germany that has bikes with roll cages

        • Erala Contratista

          Huh. Thought about getting one for my 50th.
          Pondered it for a week.
          Lost interest.

          • Predisenting Ron

            If I were you I’d forget about getting a Harley. and look into buying a motorcycle instead.

          • andy synonymous

            Remember the Harley-Davidson execs who met Trump at the White House two weeks after the inauguration?

            A few weeks ago they confirmed HD will build its new factory in Thailand.

            So much for Trump’s “pillar of American manufacturing.”

          • Meccalopolis

            As my cervical spine surgeon said when I asked him if I could still ride motorcycles: not if you value your life

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Smart.

      • Chris

        He hurt the Electraglide? That is criminal!

    • Jamoche

      Pfft. They’re just motorcycle enthusiasts, not real bikers like these guys: https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AGd0/russ-brown-motorcycle-attorneys-think-about-it

    • lynchie

      Bengal tigers in california. Makes sense

  • Proud Liberal
    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      The worst place you could hit Trump is in the wallet- worse than his small orange peen.

      • Proud Liberal

        Yep. If the Court grants the injunction, his businesses must stop doing business.

        • Chris

          But if his DC Post Office Hotel has to close down, how will he service his debt?

          • Meccalopolis

            Until the rosneft deal comes through?

          • lynchie

            Melania will do the servicing it is what she knows and she’s good at it

      • Rags

        Well, I suspect that 100K Londoners lining his parade route and at a signal mooning him might rank right up there.

      • phoenix00

        I can think of one worse: ignore him completely.

    • Canned Covfefe

      They won’t. Oh, but what glory if they would.

  • Iam Reading

    Wait a minute. I call bullshit. There can’t be any more all the best people left. Trump hired all the best people. He promised us he would be surrounded by and employee all of the best people. And he never breaks promises or says things he doesn’t mean to act upon. Bigly

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      They’re all in his cabinet, bless them….

    • Dimitrios M.

      Trump promised to surround himself with the very best people. The investigators, the prosecuting attorneys, the judge, the court house guards, and with luck, maybe even the best orange-collar penal institute.

  • James Hardcastle

    Better call Saul.

  • Andrea Karim

    I might be misinterpreting the Twatter exchange above, but was Ken Starr’s character assassinated? I remember thinking he was a giant asshole, but mostly because I didn’t WANT to learn about Clinton/Lewinsky in that amount of detail.

  • Crystalclear12

    If Newt is worried then I am happy.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    ugh, the job search is going so poorly i’m thinking about applying wiht an ambulance chasing hack.
    Sigh.

    • Canned Covfefe

      I’m not being trite here; experience is experience and you could turn all that into positives when applying for next jobs. But yes, it would suck. I’m so sorry.

      • Shanzgood

        There’s also the increased opportunity for networking with some non-ambulance chasers.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        it’s just, he’s somebody i knew from my previous job (on the opposite side) and his staff were bad (which may be good for me) and his cases are just such obvious bullshit.

        Good point though.

    • Meccalopolis

      Everybody’s entitled to a sound defense. And to make a living

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        well, it’s not defense, he’s a plaintiff’s lawyer.
        And frankly, his cases and his tactics border on vexatious and abuse of the process/rules.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    You’re definitely missing the star hire here: Jared….

  • Lurkylu

    oh the glee! laughing my t*ts off at Newt’s fury.

  • rubikcube

    What has he got against job growth?

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Someone investigate Newt Gringrich !

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Except, we already know he’s full of shit.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    OMFG KEN FUCKING STARR?

    Like, we should make a budget line item to put speakers around the entire country, like even in Yellowstone or Arches National park, to play a laugh track whenever a republican says that fucking name. Like, seriously. Guy’s a fucking cross between Cotton Mather and the Keystone Kops.

    • JoeChristmas

      He’s available after getting fired for letting a sexual abuse scandal go unchecked while Dean of Baylor U. Perfect choice.

      • unclejeems

        That’s right, but he wasn’t just a dean. He was the president of the university, hand-picked, no doubt, by the board of trustees to again transform the school into a university its football team can be proud of. Sic ’em bears, so to speak.

    • lynchie

      Remember Ken Starr when he covered up the statue in the DOJ because it was only partly clothed

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Wasn’t that Ashcroft?

        • lynchie

          Your absolutely right. I get confused by all the pieces of shit the GOP has accumulated over the years. They all run together like Ronnie’s “trickle down” economic plan.

      • Dimitrios M.

        Ken Starr was the former Clenis hunter who was arrested on 23 criminal counts including fraud and money laundering, and couldn’t find a friend to put up bail, He got 7.5 years including time served.

        Now, they are recommending him for what? A ponzi scheme?

  • norcalOG

    Has it been 20 years since the Republican-controlled House reprimanded Newt (395-28) for ethics violations while also levying a $300,000 fine? But who else should we expect to weigh in on morality, ethics, and just being fair, darn it?
    Apparently, unbeknownst to him, he’s always good for low comedy that somehow rates as high drama to his supporters who must hang on his every word.
    Can’t wait till he returns to the Vatican to lend support to the ambassador and to offer his wholehearted support to the Pope.

    • Dimitrios M.

      Pope, Smope! It takes someone who has personally plumbed the depth of the unethical, immoral and fattening to truly be an accurate judge of other peoples ethics,

      Unless, of course, they’ve got money or skin in the game, then all bets are off.

  • Chris

    Newt Gringrich! The reason I do not belong to any group whose sole criteria are the kind of things that you have no control over. I am a white, southern woman. If I joined a group for whom those are the primary criteria, I would be in danger of joining a group that could include 3 women who slept with Newt. Ewwwh.

  • Predisenting Ron

    Robert Mueller is superb choice to be special counsel… wait, whattaya mean, he intends to actually do his job? Unfair!
    – Newt

  • Aileen

    This is probably obvious to everyone, but if Trump and his team of amoral goons had nothing to hide, wouldn’t they welcome a thorough investigation lead by professionals and experts?

    • JoeChristmas

      It’s obvious to roughly 66% of the population.

      • Dimitrios M.

        I’d say 79%.

        21% really are that stupid, and the other 13% either are being, or expect to be, paid. Since Trump is involved that means some percentage of that 13% are imbeciles, too, also.

        • JoeChristmas

          Yeah, my number over the years has always been 23%. e.g. think Palin was smart, Obama is a Kenyan, etc. A well funded, vocal 23%. But you’re right the other ~13% are waiting for some sort of pay off or just haters.

  • AJ Milne

    I think if I’d known we’d actually be talking about Newt again this year I’d have opted for the whole isolated Pacific island/subsistence on coconuts/no radio, internet nor newspapers thing for a safe duration…. Like a month or six, y’know, just ’til the trials are scheduled…

    Seriously, Newt? Hate to break it to you, but the very appearance of your name outside the hallowed halls of the alt.right.wing.useless.fucks.90s Usenet feed is kinda a sign reality–if not time itself–is broken. Not sure if we need a pentagram or a freelance time lord, but just so you know, pal, me and the rest of the Scoobies are _on_ this thing, now.

    • Dimitrios M.

      I hadn’t heard anything from Newt for years and was about to send my donation to NASA for stranding him on his moon colony.

  • McMema6

    You forgot Saul Goodman. If it looks like they’re losing, he can always slip, fall and threaten to double-dog sue if there’s anymore talk of impeachment.

    • JDM

      Saul has WAY too much integrity. And guts. Look at how he faced down Tuco Salamanca – when he could have walked away at that point – to negotiate him out of killing the skateboarders.

  • StlSaxist

    How about OJ? If there were anyone that could find the real scoundrel, it would be OJ. Harriet Miers? How about Alberto Gonzales? (Nah, too Hispanic. They would never be fair.) Barnaby Jones? Harry Stone?

    • lynchie

      I nominate Danno off Hawaii Five O

      • Dimitrios M.

        If only Poirot could slap a coat of gilt paint on his little grey cells.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Well you could hardly object to a mafia specialist, considering the subject. Who else would know?

  • RugzYaBurnt

    Judge Judy wouldn’t touch this case with Joe Brown’s dick.

  • Rich Jone-s

    You forgot Jared.

    • phoenix00

      I’ve still got money on Barron as new Director of the FBI.

      • David Sagneri

        Barron for all we know would end up taking the job seriously showing dangerous independence. Then Donnie would have to fire him as well.

        • phoenix00

          Kids these days.

  • JoeChristmas

    Newt wants to see discredited, un-American, useless blowhards like himself in there.

  • TootsStansbury

    I read a story about art and the NEA in WAPO yesterday and the writer had to interview this craven failed human. I said to Mr. S., I’d never get through it, I’d be too tempted to vote him, in the library, with the candlestick.

  • Somecallmetim

    I sure did miss the Newt. The level of professional hypocrisy hit an all time low while he was gone. I sure am getting jazzed up about this investigation so thank you for running down the list of players and non players.

  • lynchie

    I have always felt that Orly Taitz was a sore on a donkey’s nut sack not a name.

  • SeeTrain65

    What’s just as disturbing to me?

    Jonah Goldberg saying “I called it.” Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

  • Roadstergal

    2016-2017 is like the 1990s coming back to life in every shitty way. Oh, Donald Trump being a sleaze? Sexist criticism of Hillary Clinton? Newt fucking Gingrich talking out of his ass? Russia is orders of magnitude worse this time around…

    • Dimitrios M.

      As I recall it, worse than a Russian controlled election and Chinese controlled press combined, was the terrible, horrific power of the Clenis,

  • phoenix00

    Just put Pepe up there. It will not make one lick of difference.

  • Truly Madly Derply
  • Zyxomma

    I wonder what former NY AG Eric Schneiderman is doing these days? He’d be a great addition to Mueller’s team.

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