A Tale Of Two Newts:
Oh golly, what changed? Special prosecutor Robert Mueller is, of course, one of the most respected public servants we have, and his reputation, as Newt said in his first tweet, is unimpeachable. Is he upset because Mueller is actually hiring the best people for the investigation? As GQ notes, the team Mueller is building “include[s] men and women responsible for bringing down Nixon, Enron and the mafia,” and one of his recent hires, Deputy Solicitor General Michael Dreeben, was referred to as “quite possibly the best criminal appellate lawyer in America” in a post at Lawfare. It’s almost like Mueller is actually serious about this investigation, and the quality of his hires seems to signal that there’s a LOT of “there” there, and he wants to have only the best and brightest by his side so they can really dig in and find the truth.
That is not what Newt Gingrich wanted. You see, when Mueller was announced, Mueller was still a paragon of “honesty and integrity” in the tiny brains of Gingrich and Trump, just like they used to think James Comey was a totally great guy. But now Mueller, like Comey did before him, is actually acting independently, instead of pledging his loyalty to Trump and making this matter go away.
Reaction to Gingrich’s little whine tweet came swiftly, even from conservatives, as Chuck Todd found when he took to Twitter to ask, “Fucking for real, Newt?”
Ooh, Ken Starr, now THERE’S an idea!
To be clear, the team Mueller is assembling will get to the truth, whether Newtie and Donald like it or not. And if there’s truly nothing to be found, they will find that! We doubt they’re going to find “nothing,” though.
What sorts of lawyers and judges would Newt Gingrich like to see on Mueller’s team? Wonkette has ideas:
- ORLY TAITZ. She will find Obama’s real birth certificate, and as a plus, if anybody on Mueller’s team happens to need any emergency dental work, they won’t even have to leave the office. Orly does dental work!
- TREY GOWDY. He will finally learn the truth about Benghazi and forget to investigate possible collusion between Trump and Russia and obstruction of justice ENTIRELY!
- MICHELE BACHMANN. She is a fun-employed lawyer of some sort we think?
- SOME OF THOSE AMBULANCE CHASERS WITH TV COMMERCIALS: Hey, you need lawyers who are on the level with Trump’s own personal lawyer Marc Kasowitz!
- MARC KASOWITZ: What? How would that be unfair or unethical?
- TRUMP GOON IDIOT MICHAEL COHEN: He probably knows a lot about Trump’s possible collusion with Russia! Wait, he’s being investigated by Congress? SAYS WHO?
- SUPERLAWYER LARRY KLAYMAN: He could use the investigation to work toward his latest scheme, which is imprisoning liberals! Or he could just sue Hillary Clinton some more, because as John McCain memorably informed us during the Comey hearing, there is a DOUBLE STANDERT being applied, where Hillary isn’t even being investigated for colluding with Russia to steal the election from herself.
- RUDY GIULIANI: Pfffffffft, you say “but he’s probably a target of the investigation!” We’re sure he could just sign a waiver.
- JUDGE JUDY: Always good for a zinger! Probably more skilled than all the other people we’re listing, though, so we’ll call her a “maybe.”
- JUDGE NAPOLITANO FROM FOX NEWS: Shouldn’t the real investigation be about whether Barack Obama did illegal “wire tapps” inside Trump’s fat rolls, at the Trump Tower? Napolitano was the one who planted that seed in Trump’s bad brain in the first place, so maybe he knows something!
- JUDGE JEANINE PIRRO FROM FOX NEWS: You know, while we’re pulling idiots from Dead Roger Ailes’s Stable Of Genius.
- JEFF SESSIONS: Because why do we need a special prosecutor at all, when we already have a nice racist attorney general who maybe perjured the everloving fuck out of himself about his own contacts with the Russians? Oh wait, he is busy testifying for the Senate Intelligence Committee this week? Well fiddlesticks.
In Newt Gingrich’s perfect world, where Newt Gingrich is considered smart and attractive and Donald Trump is innocent and competent, that would be a bangin’ team. But over here in the real world, we guess we’ll stick with Robert Mueller and the incredibly smart, skilled and savvy team he’s building, the one with the track record of vanquishing errbody who ever needed vanquishing.
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below to fund us!
