[X] My Assistant

[KillerLoli]

Today, I'm going to review a Sailor Moon crossover fic gone horribly wrong. It's by Gonterman; the author of Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal and The Rangers of NIHM. In it his OC David "Davey Crockett" Kintobor finds an injured Sailor Moon in St. Louis and discovers that villains from the Power Rangers, Sailor Moon, and the Masked Rider are concocting a vague evil plot. Along with Sailor Moon, David saves the Earth from evil aliens, while ranting about the evils of racial minorities and homosexuals.


FoxFire Studios present: Night of The Living Gary Stu.

Sailor Moon: American Kitsune

By David Gonterman

Note to Sonic the Hedgehog fans: This takes place outside
of Blood and Metal.

Another fan fic featuring David Kintobor where he goes to Planet Mobius and becomes an overpowered furry in the process.

Power Rangers, VR Troopers, and Masked Rider by Saban
Sailor Moon brought to the US by Dic
David "Davey Crockett" Kintobor by David Gonterman
________________________________

Prologue:

------Fast Forward

SAINT LOUIS: Six Power Rangers, three VR Troopers, and
the Masked Rider joined three members of the Youth United
Nations and a local St. Louisan who appears to be their
leader, while in between two ethnic factions who were just
about to riot in front of the Americas Center.

The riot started about two hours ago when a local McDonald's announced that free toys would no longer come in their Happy Meals.

The St.
Louisan is identified as David Kintobor, the one who shot
and killed the Piasa Monster just 12 hours ago.

Or so he thought. David was actually in Italy and in a drug-fueled rage had destroyed the Leaning Tower of Pisa; mistaking it for a gigantic mutant canary pecking at his head. Italian authorities quickly arrested the hallucinating maniac and placed him in a hospital for the criminally insane.

"Behold the enemy: A world of one ethnicity hating
another since I don't care how long back. A world where
violence is answered by violence, and justice and equality
is decided by who's the worst in the bunch.

A world where terrible writers defile canon and turn beloved characters into twisted versions of themselves. A world where plagiarism is the norm and original ideas are few and far between. A world known as FF. net.

It's a world
where *none* of you will survive, unless we stop it now and
here, even if we have to take out every last one--"

Just then, a hoard of enraged Sonic the Hedgehog fans burst in the author's filthy hovel and shot him with a silenced pistol; ending his reign of madness for good. These brave fans were given a hero's welcome by the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom.


-------Fast Forward

SAINT LOUIS: David Kintobor stands over Portwood [an
Afro-centrist history teacher who shot off David's left arm
shortly after he slain the Piasa Monster] and aims a rifle
straight down her.

David: This is for giving me an F on my third-grade science fair project! You ruined my life!

"Every part of the monster *you* want me
to become says I should blow your head off right here, but
the problem with that is that it would give you exactly what
you want.

A way out of the author's perverse sexual fantasies.

It might even get you off. And I can't have
that, can I?"

Then why waste time tracking her down if you're weren't going to seek revenge? Why not let the police bring her to justice and focus on recovering from your wounds? What was the point of any of this!

Davey moved the rifle fifteen degrees to the
right and fired on empty concrete.

The bullet ricocheted off the pavement and penetrated David's upper thigh. The bullet pierced his femoral artery and within minutes David had bled to death on the sidewalk. And not a single fuck was given that day. Portwood went on to live a long and happy life; slaying Mary and Gary Stu's the world over.

"The way to beat your
bigotry down, is not to beat you up.

It's to bore her to death with your endless speeches.

Life's too short and
precious to waste it growing bitter over something that
hasn't happened to you personally.

Yes, Portwood, you should take the advice of the nice man pointing a loaded rifle in your face.

And obviously, unlike
you, I prefer a life where you don't have to answer to the
sins of the father.

Really, what kind of life would that be? Please, give us more of your sage advice, David!

I figure, the perfect vengeance, is to
have that come to pass for this world.

Such wisdom! Truly David is a philosopher on par with the likes of Confucius and Socrates!

But by the angered look on Portwood's face, she was
vowing that day to see that what David wants doesn't happen.

Or she was mad because you pointed a gun in her face and threatened to kill her. The world doesn't revolve around you and your persecution complex, David!

--------Fast Forward

ST. LOUIS MAYOR'S OFFICE: The city of St. Louis has a
check for a million dollars and the keys to the city for
their newest hero, but David Kintobor has failed to show up
to collect his reward;

So, the city council decided to tell a well earned vacation to Monte Carlo and spent the money on blackjack and hookers. As for the keys to the city, they were made into lovely souvenir ashtrays.

until last night, where he sneaked
into the mayor's office and took the check, leaving the key
untouched and this note:

Davey Kintobor wuz here.

"You idiot. Why do you think I want to be your
superhero now, after the thanks you've given me?"

Our hero, ladies and gentleman! He commits good deeds only for the sake of personal gain and fulfilling his ego! What a wonderful role model!

Those words were the headlines of the next day, and the
question on everybody's mind?

Will Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore tie the knot? Which came first the chicken or the egg? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsi Pop?


---------Fast Forward

POWER RANGERS COMMAND CENTER:

Zordon: David is under a lot of stress recently, only
part of it is the political troubles with the Piasa
Incident.

The other part of it was his erectile dysfunction and low testosterone levels caused by years of steroid and crack cocaine abuse.

He was also suffering from Memory Compression,
where he spent a lifetime in an alternate dimension in the
space of eight hours.

That's the story he told everyone else, anyway. Those eight hours were really spent gambling at the race track and stealing car stereos to pay for his fix.

Dissolving this 'archive' over time,
can prove problematic to the human psyche.

Symptoms may include diarrhea, vomiting, constipation, mood swings, dry mouth, and blurry visions. Consult your doctor before using the drug Memory Compression. Do not take Memory Compression if you're pregnant or may become pregnant.

Kimberly: And then there's the question why he's sent
here, instead of heaven.

Because his petulant attitude was annoying God and his archangels and the Devil thought that using his rambling speeches as a form of torture was a little bit too cruel, even for him. So he was sent back to Earth.

<Sighs> he must think he's in Hell.

No, it's Gonterman's readers that are in Hell right now, Kimberly.

Where's he now?

In the Matrix, hanging out with Neo and Trinity.

Zordon: In the Colorado Plains, where he can have some
peace and quiet to sort out what has happened to him. He
will also have an old friend to help him there.

Zordon: It's his life coach, Steve.

<Viewing
Globe On>

In addition to watching the Power Rangers fight, Zordon also likes to use his globe to spy on Kimberly and Trini in the gym showers.

He is Old Man Coyote, an Native American spirit
animal.

Zordon: He and David were old frat buddies back in Yale.

Known for his trickery, but is very protective of a
small percentage of people that he calls 'his children,' of
which David is one."

Zordon: Plus, David knows where to score high-grade California weed, so Coyote puts up with him.

Adam: <Looks at Coyote's records, including some of
his stories> Man, Fifty Million spirit guides, and Davey
gets the Q!

Meanwhile, while the Power Rangers were discussing David, three banks were robbed and Rita destroyed the St. Louis Arch, but David's problems are obviously more important than saving the world.

-----------Fast Forward......Stop!!!

-----------Play........

Installment I

<The entire life you had on Mobius as a Fox is stored
in your head; "Archived," I believe you call it. Right now
it's trying to de-archive into your current memory. As it
does, you'll be *becoming* that fox, in body and in form.

Coyote: You'll soon develop an attraction for anthropomorphic cartoon characters and start drawing pornographic fan art. I hope you like wearing fur suits.

You'll also have some extra powers included according to
your age, for according to legend, special foxes known to
the Japanese as Kitsune have the power to shape shift when
they hit 100 years of age, which is where you're at right
now.

Coyote: Which means you should be going through Kitsune puberty right now. That would explain the constant angst and mood swings.

You'll also have some sort of 'Magical Power' I don't
know much about yet; I'll need more research.

I know what his magical power is. It's the power to make anyone instantly fall in love or befriend you. No matter how mean you are towards them; they'll think you're the greatest thing over.

By the way,
you still have that Morpher Zordon tossed to you?>

Coyote: I need to use it as a plunger to unclog my toilet. I really need to cut back on the Indian food.

-Yeah, but I'm afraid I don't know why I'm keeping it
though, Coyote. I'd figure it'd just be a cool belt
buckle.-

David: But the stupid thing wouldn't fit on my belt. So now, I just use it as a door stopper.

<You'll soon have a good reason>

Coyote: Trust me, man, this thing will get you all sorts of babes.

Coyote took the Morpher and replaced the fox totem
coin, which was made of non-special clay, with a glowing
power coin with a similar fox head.

It had a tiny explosive inside so when David used it; it would turn him into nothing more than a steaming pile of flesh and bone. This was Coyote's vengeance for the time David sold his prized blown-glass bong and Grateful Dead records to pay for his drug habit.

The Morpher powered up.

In five minutes it was fully charged and ready to detonate as soon as Coyote activated his remote. David would soon be nothing more than a memory.

<Zordon made this special power coin to make your
cyborg half morph with you when you shape shift. No sense
having your shoulder splinter or your skull burst open
because of your mechanical parts.

No, then this story would actually have a happy ending.

And with this prototype
Morpher, It will do nicely.>

Yes, it should have just enough juice to send Davey to the great Anthro-Con in the sky.

Coyote slapped the Morpher on
top of Davey's belt, and it merged into the buckle in place.

It had green, red, and blue wires surrounding it and made a faint ticking sound, but David thought that it was the Ipod that Coyote had included with the Morpher.

<Keep this on you at all times.>

Coyote: So, I'll have a better chance of kill-, I mean keeping in touch with you.

-Sure thing, Granddad. Nice to know that the floating
head cares-

How about a thank you, you little ingrate?

<Hey, you did all right back at St. Louis. So what if
half the people in the city wouldn't cared if that drop dead
skull-less Fred took over as they watched?>

-That's 'Zedd,' Old Man.-

Fend up with Davey's disrespect, Coyote decided to active the bomb and a minute later, Davey was just a steaming pile of flesh and melted spandex. And Everyone Lived Happily Ever After. The End.

<Whatever! The fact is . . . I know about you feeling
sorry about ending up back on this planet. You don't want
to bother anyone about this pity party you're having . . .

Coyote: So, sit down and make yourself a nice cup of shut the fuck up.

waaaaitaminute . . . what's that behind you? The moon.
It's getting bigger, or something. . .>



Davey turned around. -Holy $#!*! It's not getting
bigger! It's getting *Closer!!*-

Suddenly, the "moon" which was actually the Death Star fired upon Earth and blew into a million pieces. The End.

<It's headed straight for us!! Run for it Davey!! The
sky is falling!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!>



Davey booked down the mountain and into the plains
below, but he tripped on a root and fell on his face as the
moon was crashing onto him.

Good, maybe he'll shut up for a little while.

-This vision sucks. . . Change it . . . -

I would, but you lost my TV remote, dumb ass.


-----------Static-----------Click------------Static--------

Davey woke up with some hotter-than-hell salsa in his
mouth and someone calling his name. "David? David! You
okay, dude?"

Oh, Davey must have gotten wasted from one of his fraternity's wild parties and his room mate is waking him up to go on another beer run.

At first he could only see a coyote with a scar across
his snout. He could barely remember his name. "K-Kickaha?"

Davey: Dude, why are you wearing my pants on your head?

The 'coyote's eyes opened wide when he heard that.

Scarred Coyote: Who's this Kickaha? Are you seeing someone behind my back, Davey?

But
as he did, Davey's eyes focused and the coyote became a
human, with that same scar on his face.

LSD is a hell of a drug.

"Davey! Davey
Crockett! It's *you* isn't it?"

Davey Crockett or David Kintobor? Which is it, author!

As he said that name, David felt something in his right
hand.

His room mate had just squirted shaving cream into his hand as a joke.

It was a baseball cap with a racoon tail. He put it
on his head and smiled.

Wearing hats with animal body parts on them always makes me smile, too.

"A-Ah can't believe it," David laughed with tears in
his eyes.

He was crying because his contacts were starting to sting his eyes.

Edward had the same. "It *is* you, isn't it,
Davey? It was real. It was all real."

No, this is a dream inside a dream.

As the two reunited friends ate more of the above
spicy-as-all-get-out stuff, they compared notes on the life
they lived on Mobius.

"Well," Davey said, "now Ah know why they call ya
'Edward Two Lives'."

Because he's a office clerk by day and a male stripper named Coco by night?

"Er . . . Could you make it 'Edward Two *Thousand*
Lives'?"

"Two Thousand? Come again?"

That's what she said.

Edward told David how some Veteran Hospital doctor putz
took the lives of every Edward Becerra that existed in every
possible 'Alternate Universe'--Including Mobius--and crammed
them all into Edwards poor brain.

Tell me, then! I would like to know.

"Damn!! All those alternate Eddies in your brain?"

On the plus side, they have some rocking parties in his mind every night.

"No shit. <Speaks in a redneck accent David is known
for> Ah guess dere's a Edward in a dang mobile home park
round here sumwhare!

Ed: Dang it, Arlene! I told you to git off your lazy ass and bring me a cold beer. Don't make me git my belt, woman!

<Points to head> Seriously, if Old
Man Coyote didn't put a mnemonic filter to slow the de-archiving
down somewhat . . ."

He'll be nuttier than a Snickers bar.

"Yeah, but *Two Hundred plus* archives? Ah only got
*one* and it's giving me crap!"

That's because you're a imbecile, Davey.

"I *know*! That's why I'm so damned JEALOUS AT
*YOU!!!!!*"



Edward got up to mock throttle David but to his
surprise, he found that his body did not protest as it used
to one bit. He noticed that his arms and back can move now
without pain.

That's because Eddy raided his grandma's medicine cabinet this morning.

He got up and walked a few steps and only
detected a slight limp.

Oh, that's from the gay gangbang Eddy participated in last night.

"Remember, Kickaha? I had your butt roboticized . . .
It's the cure for what ails ya!"

Who had him roboticized? The voices in his head? Davey? Martha Stewart? Explain this, author!

Ed was brought to his knees. "You did it to me again,
Old Man. I can't believe it."

Coyote: That's right, I own your ass, Edward. Now get back to work, slave!

___________________

Later that night, the two were standing outside under
the moonlight. David had something on his mind, but he
didn't know whatever or not to tell it to Edward.

Tonight was the night. Davey was finally going to ask Edward out to the senior prom.

You see,
it was about his vision, and he doesn't know yet which ones
he's supposed to keep to himself and which ones to share.
But then Edward started talking. "Bright moon tonight. Big
too. It appears to be coming closer."

* Insert Star Wars joke here. *

"Yeah. I had that feeling too."

Edward: Oh, Davey, I never knew you feel this about me. Yes, Davey, I would love to go with you to the senior prom.

The too looked at each other surprised. "The Vision."
"You had it too."

Ed and David: That old Coyote must have slipped acid in our drinks again.

"Yeah. It seemed to be a warning or something."

"Zordon did say somethin' about me bein' an important
player in th' fight of Good and Evil. It just that . . ."

Edward: I can barely finish an entire sentence, let alone fight the forces of Evil!

Just then, as his voice trails off. Davey's eyes
glowed red, as it often does when the built-in heads-up
display activates. His vision switches to a virtual reality
zoom.

Davey, now is not the time to try and beat your high score in Pong!

"Edward. I just got a Target Acquisition. Someone's
falling from the sky, and without a parachute!! Over
there."

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Superman!

Edward found the plummeting person through some
binoculars. "Oh my god! You're right!!"

Edward: Let's sell his cape on Ebay!

"We've gotta catch her before she goes splat on the
pavement!" Davey reached for his Morpher. "Power Suit
Activate! Command Jetpack Launch!!"

Shout Random Words! Pose In A Dramatic Fashion!

A flash of orange light, and Davey's clothing has
changed.

He now wore a coconut shell bra and hula skirt.

He didn't look like a Power Ranger at all to
Edward. Davey was more dressed for Masters of the Maze.

If you don't know what that is, it's a old game show on the Family Channel that ran from 1994 to 1996. Children would dress up as Robocop and answer trivia questions and identify blurry pictures. It's sounds more interesting than reading this piece of garbage, anyway.

Davey's power suit resembled a high-tech football uniform
minus the helmet.

Instead of a helmet, Davey wore a pair of blue panties on his head to conceal his identity from the forces of evil. Also, they matched his eyes.

His left arm was changed to a robotic
limb with what looked like a laptop computer crammed into
it.

Unfortunately it ran on Windows Vista and crashed quite often.

There were other jealousy-inducing ultra-high-tech
things strapped to every limb on his body.

As if he wasn't overpowered enough already.

"Who are you, my
next victim to my twit smashing club? One of the Zords?
That new UltraNinjaZord, I'd wager."

Talking to your imaginary friends, again?

"How'd you know. Eddie?" Davey said as *wings* popped
out the back, and he took off after the damsel on distress.

Why does he need wings when he has a jet pack?

"Hah! Who said chivalry ain't dead! Waitaminute!
How'd he know that it's a *girl* falling? This I've got to
see!" Edward reached for his car and followed.

Edward crammed himself into his yellow clown car and followed in hot pursuit.

Thrilled to
see some action after being retired from the army.

Edward had been dishonorably discharged from the army after murdering a hobo outside of a Sizzler for thrills.

"Hmmm.
I'd wonder what color *I* would be? So help me, if I get
purple, I'll defect to Rita Repulsaa!"

Fuck you, purple is an awesome color!
_________________

Having an on-board biochip that can track falling women
and project their trajectory on top of Davey's HUD, he had
no trouble reaching an intercept course with the
Unidentified Falling Babe.

Unfortunately, the Unidentified Falling Babe had caught on fire entering Earth's atmosphere and she was nothing more that a burnt pile of ash.

He got up under her, signaled a
fair catch, and allowed her to land into his arms like the
opening kickoff at the Super Bowl.

Then he punted her injured body into the End Zone.

His eyes widened when he recognized *who* he just
caught. So did Edward, when Davey swooped back to the
ground, de-morphed back to his 'civilian' clothes, and
settled his catch onto the ground safely.

He decided to hide his catch in a tree from predators and eat her later.

"I'll be damned.
Old Man Coyote was on the money! The moon *did* fall on top
of us!"

Too bad, the real moon didn't fall on you then this crappy story would be over!

"Yeah. A *Sailor* Moon."

Species: Sailorus Moonus. Commonly known as "Fatass, Meatball Head, Serena, or Usagi."
Habitat: Sailorus Moonus is commonly found in Tokyo, in the Kanto region of Japan, though sightings of this species have been spotted outside the Kanto region.
Diet: The Sailorus Moonus is an omnivore and will devour any food it lays its' eyes on.
Other Information: The Sailorus Moonus is a friendly, though extremely dimwitted species. The Sailor Moonus is usually a diurnal creature, but has been known to prowl around at night. The Sailor Moonus has a long life-span, living for hundreds of years. One final note, despite normally being docile, the Sailorus Moonus, has a vicious side and will attack you if you harm its' friends or mate.

The two stared at the blond Japanese schoolgirl that
either of them recognized in their Anime studies.

Anime studies? Well, it makes about as much sense as memory compression, archiving, or any of that other bullshit the author expects me to swallow.

She's
supposed to be a leader of a group like the Power Rangers in
Japan, but she has the odious difficulty of being the
Japanese version of an air head.

At least she has a likable personality, which is more than I can say for you two knuckleheads.

Her Power Suit resembles
the 'Sailor Suits' schoolgirls like her wear, but here, it
has torn into tatters, barely hiding the naughty parts of
her body.

Not that her uniform covered much up to begin with.

She was bruised and beaten up, to the point that
Davey and Edward wanted to find the dork responsible and
commit a ritual mutilation.

That's funny. I was thinking the same thing; only replacing "the dork " responsible for this with the two of you.

Her hair, in her distinctive
rabbit ear ponytails, have seen better days.

Like David Kintobor's writing skills.

Davey brushed the blond hair out of her eyes. "You
aright, ma'am," hoping that she would recognize what he just
said as friendly, even if it *was* in a language she would
not know.

Wouldn't she have learned at least some basic English in school, though?

Her eyes fluttered open, and saw the man who supposedly
saved her from becoming street pizza. She didn't recognized
him.

When she saw these two wasn't Mamoru or Motoki, she promptly ignored them and went on her way; leaving the two heartbroken.

He looked American, kinda cute, and he was speaking in
English, a language she hasn't grasped yet, and in a heavy
accent that she heard about only in rumor.

How does she know it's English if she doesn't understand a word of the language? He could be speaking Swahili or Esperanto for all she knows.

She struggled to
speak. "k-k-konichi wa-a-a-a . . . n-no speak redneck . .
."

Sailor Moon: Damn, I knew I shouldn't have left my Redneck-to-Japanese dictionary at home!

Then she fainted in his arms.

I have a bad feeling that she's going to be doing that a lot in this fic.

David and Edward looked at each other. "I think we
should take her inside." "Yeah."

Gee, you think!

David carried the fallen Sailor Moon into the car and
took her back to Edward's home.

Where they made meatballs subs out of her.

________________________
To Be Continued...

This post has been edited by KillerLoli: Oct 18 2011, 06:10 PM

[Zana]

I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but that is probably one of the Sue-iest Sues who ever Sued.

[KillerLoli]

I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but that is probably one of the Sue-iest Sues who ever Sued.

Yep, and he gets even more over-powered as the story goes on. Also, once all the Sailor Scouts meet him they fall instantly in love with him and fight each other to the dance for his affections. Just like School Days.

[Matto]

David Gonterman folks.

Gonterman.