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The issue with David's tissue (self.badhistory)

Llort2 が 投稿

Today I want to bring up a historical BadHistory perpetrated by Michelangelo.

Exhibit A

Ah yes, the famous statue of David. A classic in the art world, how can anyone have any problems with this? I do...

Going into battle naked would have been a very interesting tactic, this wasn't inside an amphitheater or a Greek games, this was war and in war you kind of try not to die. We know from the source material that the shepherd king did not use any armor but I think it is a safe assumption that he kept his clothes on unless he wanted his opponents to die of laughter at the size of that thing.

But that is not my issue. It is time for me to bring up one of the most dead horse issues on Reddit.

Circumcision

Yes, that word. If you look closely (as closely as you are willing to at another man's penis) you will notice that there is extra junk on his junk. Being Jewish, we can assume that they would have lobbed the knob at eight days of age... it would have been scandalous if it were found out that the royal head was unshaven. I would say that there is no chance in Gehanna that King David was not circumcised.

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[–]The740Rommel was more honorable than Grove, less than Earnshaw 62 ポイント63 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Who's to say that when David referred to "this uncircumcised Philistine", he wasn't actually referring to himself? And then David himself was actually a Philistine sleeper agent who worked to bring down Israel from within?

Quick, get Dan Brown on the phone!

[–]friskydongo 50 ポイント51 ポイント  (4子コメント)

unless he wanted his opponents to die of laughter at the size of that thing.

Hey bro he just got out of the pool no need to dongshame

[–]The740Rommel was more honorable than Grove, less than Earnshaw 28 ポイント29 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It says that he took five smooth stones from a stream, so he was definitely in the water.

In he story of David and Bathsheba, spring is referred to as "when kings go off to war", so it's also likely that the fight against Goliath took place in the spring. And since springtime will still have cool nights, with water temperatures cooler than the ambient temperature, shrinkage among kings and men would still be an issue.

[–]Llort2[S] 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hey, he got 8 wives with that thing...

[–]Puggpu 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He's a grower.

[–]Jeroknite 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Ｃ Ｉ Ｖ Ｉ Ｌ Ｉ Ｚ Ｅ Ｄ Ｇ Ｒ Ｅ Ｅ Ｋ Ｐ Ｅ Ｎ Ｉ Ｓ

[–]DragonsandmanStalin was a Hanzo main and Galileo was two geese in a costume 35 ポイント36 ポイント  (4子コメント)

I think this post proves once and for all that nothing is safe from this sub.

[–]NotExistorIf it villifies the United States it must be true 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Your flair is a little harsh on the guy, dontcha think?

[–]DragonsandmanStalin was a Hanzo main and Galileo was two geese in a costume 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Nah, it fits perfectly. Now if I said Stalin plays Torbjörn on attack, on the other hand...

Now I'm curious. Which historical figure was enough of a jackass to play attack Torb?

[–]victransplantValue Comment Flail 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Pol Pot?

[–]DragonsandmanStalin was a Hanzo main and Galileo was two geese in a costume 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

He'd throw games for sure.

[–]SnapshillBotPassing Turing Tests since 1956 21 ポイント22 ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's just like, your opinion, man.

Snapshots:

  1. This Post - archive.org, megalodon.jp*, snew.github.io, archive.is

  2. Exhibit A - archive.org, megalodon.jp*, archive.is

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[–]redfricker 19 ポイント20 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Did you just say David had a small dick? Are you dick shaming, bro?

[–]Llort2[S] 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sorry, I am just used to statues like these

[–]glow_ball_list_cook 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Michelangelo really put the "art" into "artistic license".

[–]ryca13 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I thought the shrinkage was meant to illustrate David's fear.

[–]TheyMightBeTrollsLenin wasn't a true Lenninist 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thus began and ended Michelangelo's brief artistic experimentation with Freudian expressionism.

[–]brigantusTheovolcanologist 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Putting aside the fact that David is mythological figure who quite possibly never existed, the prescription that Jews must be circumcised (Genesis 17) wasn't added to the Torah until the 6th century. David (supposedly) reigned over 400 years prior to that, so there's no reason to assume the Israelites were practicing circumcision at that point.