Warning: this article discusses suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, please seek help. Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or chat online here between 7pm and 4am.
In February 2015, 20-year-old Jack Verrills was going through a rough time.
“Nothing that any other twenty year old wouldn’t have,” his father Mark Verrills told Hack.
“Something wasn’t right, I knew something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. But I didn’t want to be that father that pries and is controlling. They’re 20, you’ve gotta let them leave the nest.”
Jack had been drinking more than usual, so Mark gave him some brochures about getting help.
“[Jack] said, ‘I don’t need that Dad, I need Lifeline.’
“And that’s when I went, ok, we’ve got a problem here. That threw me. I was like a deer in the headlights. I thought, ‘what do I do?’.”
A few days passed, and by Friday that week Jack seemed to be on the up. He was heading out with some mates for a night out, Mark says, and he was happy.
“He said, ‘I’m on a roll Dad, I’m on a roll.’
“He said, ‘I know, I should have listened to you.’ And with that he waved, said ‘I’m on a roll...see ya Dad.’ And I said, ‘I love you mate, I’ll see ya.’ And he goes, ‘catch you later’, that was it.
“I just thought, thank God you’ve got that all sorted. Honestly, I thought, you’re back, you silly derrek. What are you worried about, off you go. See you tomorrow.
The next morning, Mark discovered that Jack had taken his own life.
“If I could have that week back, I’d change every minute of it. And that’s something I’ll have to live with to the day I die. That I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to help, or who to call, and I thought it’d sort itself out. That I didn’t actually handle that as good as what I could, now that I know what I know.”
“Hence why I’m doing this, why I’m talking to you about it, because I don’t want any family to go through this.”
Headspace launches Fathers campaign
Eight Australians die by suicide every day; six of those will be men. It’s the leading cause of death for young Australians, and the rates of suicide among young Australians are at their highest in ten years.
Lifeline is today calling it a ‘national emergency’, while urging men to confront the “toughest challenge” they’ll ever face: seeking help.
Meanwhile, Headspace is today encouraging Australian fathers to support their sons, launching a national campaign.
“A lot of things go unsaid between young people and their parents. If you’re a dad in your 40s or 50s and you've got a young son, you might think, ‘Did I talk about mental health when I was 15 or 16?’ The answer was probably no,” Headspace CEO Jason Trethowan told Hack.
“75 per cent of mental health issues occur before the age of 25, and unfortunately many men go through [life] without getting on top of those issues.
“It’s about men of all ages seeking help if they need to and being open and brave enough to talk with someone. That way [if you’re a father being open with your son], you’re role-modelling for future generations.”
Over two years since Jack’s death, Mark Verrills and his family are still grappling with intense grief.
“I would not wish that feeling of grief on anyone. It’s something that consumes you, it’s like a truck hitting you. I have to sit down, take a deep breath, and sometimes - I remember when Jack passed early on - I’d just sit on the couch, and I could feel it coming. I’d walk around the corner and something would jolt me - a memory, and I’d just feel, I have to sit down, I have to make myself comfortable, I have to let it just overflow me. I’d sit there and go, ‘come and get me now, grief, come and get me.’
Mark now urges everyone to check in on their loved ones regularly, and offer them support when they need it - even if it feels like you might be bugging them.
“I’d much rather have someone tell me I’m a busy body and to mind my own business, than five days later be going to a funeral,” Mark says.
“Now 2 years later, it’s coming up to eight people, in this great country of ours. Eight people a day are taking their life.
“That’s the only option they see - that to me is frightening. No matter where you go, eight [families] a day are joining the club that my family are in.
“Someone out there who’s thinking that’s their only option right now, there is a plan B: Mum, Dad, neighbours, your doctor, Lifeline, an ambulance.
“Please reach out. You don’t know how important you are. You might think, why bother? Do bother. Take another day. My heart just aches, I want to cuddle you and say, ‘Stay with us. Stay with us’.”
How to start the conversation, and what to do next
Headspace CEO Jason Trethowan says asking someone you love if they’re ok can be harder than it looks.
If you’re struggling to open up, talking in the car can be a good place to start.
“There’s no eye contact, and often the awkward moment is lessened - you’re not staring across from them at the dinner table. You can just ask them and see how they’re doing, you’re not actually looking at them in the eyes.
“But it shouldn’t be just a one off. Sometimes those conversations don’t go well. Sometimes they end up with denial or a bit of a huff and puff, and maybe the conversation ends.
“Then the next step needs to be taken, they might need to seek healthcare services, so you can say, ‘okay we now need to seek help together’.”
Headspace says while their campaign is aimed toward fathers, their tips and advice for starting a conversation can be used by any loved one wanting to reach out.
Credits
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Author Ange McCormack
