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Carlson nearly crushed by eyeroll

Never one to miss a chance to play Clueless Culture Warrior, Fox News asshat Tucker “No more bowtie jokes, that was years ago” Carlson offered a sort-of apology to Teen Vogue columnist Lauren Duca, who made a complete fool of him — like, more of a fool — the last time he tried to make her out as a mean leftist who approved of a guy who angrily confronted Ivanka Trump on an airplane. Never mind that Duca had said the exact opposite.

Well! Carlson had to find a way to pretend he’s a decent human being, so, in a brief segment Thursday in which he bemoaned Duca being chosen to give the commencement address at Bard College, he apologizedĀ for gettingĀ snappy at her back in December. But really, it was all her fault, and did you know that one interview pulled Duca out of obscurity and made her famous? Even though she fantasizes about the deaths of those she disagrees with? Here’s Thursday’s Tuckersnit:

Carlson is not afraid to apologize for losing his cool, no he is not:

Remember Lauren Duca? She’s a writer for Teen Vogue who appeared on this show just before Christmas and delivered a performance so mindless and nasty that I lost control and snapped at her. I shouldn’t have done it, but I did. For that moment alone, though, Duca became a progressive hero. Within a month, she was the subject of a predictably fawning New York Times profile. Last weekend, she gave the commencement address at a university, Bard College in Simon’s Rock, Massachusetts.*

Now, we’re happy to make people famous, even not very impressive 26-year-old bloggers like Lauren Duca. But you’d think someone on the Bard commencement committee would have actually read what Duca has written before hiring her, maybe looked at her Twitter feed for a minute. It turns out that when she’s not barking on cable television or writing vapid pieces for teen magazines, Duca has yet another hobby: fantasizing about the deaths of her political enemies.

Gosh, how much wrong can you find in that, kids? It’s like a verbal version of one of those Highlights for Children puzzle pages with a teacher drawing on the blackboard with a fish and Donald Trump reading a book.

That silly little vapid progressive lady Lauren Duca had already become somewhat famous well before Carlson’s bookers invited her to be yelled at (and to end up pwning Carlson on his own set), seeing as how she’d written that badass piece on Donald Trump and gaslighting that everyone was forwarding to everyone else in early December. Carlson, of course, hadn’t read the article at all. But sure, Tucker Carlson made her famous all by himself, just like Donald Trump gave NATO the idea to fight terrorism, which they’d only dimly heard of before him. Oh, but what is this about Duca fantasizing about the deaths of her political enemies? Carlson offered a screenshot of this now-deleted tweet by Duca, which he took to mean as a wish for Donald Trump to die in a plane crash:

Carlson, who has apparently never heard the colloquialism “crash and burn” as a synonym for “fail spectacularly,” chastised Duca for having “bravely deleted the tweet, but fortunately, the Internet never forgets,” and to prove she is a homicidal leftist terrorist, he cited her replying to a critic on Twitter by saying, “I hope this person dies in a fire” — not a nice sentiment, but also a colloquialism that doesn’t indicate any intent to firebomb someone’s house. Carlson summed up sorrowfully, “So of course she gave the commencement address at an accredited four-year college. The left has gone insane.”

Yes, damn those academic elites for not examining the violence-filled Twitter feed of leftist Lauren Duca, who wants Donald Trump’s plane to crash — just like everyone who literally desires him to die in a flaming Amtrak derailment when they call his presidency a train wreck. Or Yr Wonkette, which clearly meant to imply Donald Trump should die when we used this gif of an airliner test crash to suggest (very naively, in retrospect) that Trump’s attack on John McCain would cause his campaign to crash and burn:

Trump sticks the landing (also don't worry, it's an empty plane on a BBC science show)

For her part, Duca seems a bit less than properly ashamed of herself:

In fact, she persisted, and now has that last screenshot set, for now, as her Twitter header image. The left has gone insane with all this political violence. Somebody’d better punch another reporter.

Oh, and here’s Duca’s dangerous, leftist, violence-tinged commencement address, in which she calls for death camps for all Republicans, probably:

We are kidding. She just tells “a story about a Fox News Potatohead named Tucker Carlson” starting at the 7-minute mark. Funny, Carlson doesn’t mention she made fun of him in her speech, which was online well before he called her a wannabe assassin. Funny, that. (Also at 8:12: “There is literally a spider on the microphone. Oh my God!” Fine, she can call for the deaths of her enemies, but she’s ascared of spiders?)

* He meant Bard College at Simon’s Rock, which usually goes by “Simon’s Rock” to distinguish it from its parent school, Bard College in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York. The More You Know!

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[The Wrap / Lauren Duca on Twitter]

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  • susan_g

    I like that she named her column “Thigh-High Politics” in honor of Tuckerbitch’s attempt to throw shade on her.

  • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

    Tucker Carlson is what happens when a rock and a hard place breed.

    • Wild Cat

      Or when a cock and an ugly face exchange seed.

  • Jay B.

    Also, Simon’s Rock of Bard College (which is how I remember the name) is actually a high school and it is in Great Barrington, MA.

    • marxalot

      Seems to be an “early college”; that is, you can go in instead of high school and come out with a 4-year degree, which why didn’t I know about this at 13?!

      • Msgr_MĪ©ment

        A libertarian geek classmate went in and came out a maryjane dealer.

        I hope they’re still doing the Lord’s work forty years later.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Republicans no longer have any choice: They have to body slam reporters to defend themselves against the violent gifs of the liberal media!

  • Nockular cavity

    “No more bowtie jokes, that was years agoā€
    …and he was young and needed the money!

    • boyblue122

      He was just doing it to help pay his college loans ;)

  • Vincent Ricola

    In fairness to Fucker, his ratings are terrible and Jason Chaffetz is coming for his job, so he’s got to punch as high up as he can for attention or risk get exiled to the Island of Ailes castoffs.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      AKA The Blaze.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If anybody has less charisma than Tucker Carlson, it has to be Jason Chaffetz.

      Advertisers, take note: You are flushing money down a blocked toilet.

    • jaspersdad

      It must be a requirement at Fox, to hire punchable faces.

  • La forza del resistino

    Tucker considered inviting Ms. Duca back on air for a face to face battle of wits, but his producers advised against it.

  • anwisok
    • Msgr_MĪ©ment

      I’ll take three of each, thanks!

    • Kateaux

      I really like the expression on the face of that last one (babby goat, isn’t it?).

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      top one is my fav.

      You do great work around here!

      • Miss Dill

        And getting recognized more and more…

    • Three Finger Salute

      What is 1? Beaver, I’m guessing?

  • Ergoetal

    Oh, you mean the Tucker Carlson whose money, education and position came from Swanson’s TV chicken dinners? That Tucker Carlson? Oh.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Somebody told him that “Hefty Man” referred to his intellect.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Winner winner, chicken din– wait.

      Loser loser, show’s a snoozer.

    • Edith Prickly

      Big Dude TV Dinners or GTFO!
      https://youtu.be/HpDYfDJVO5I

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    She’s purty.

  • boyblue122

    Fox is now known for having its anchors kicked off the air and making liberal reporters famous

  • Unauthorized Wonkette mid-afternoon Eastern Time on a Friday quote quiz.

    Who is responsible for the following quote:

    “This is the state of the GOP — a refuge for intellectual frauds and bullies, for mean-spirited hypocrites who preach personal responsibility yet excuse the inexcusable.”

    A. Lauren Duca, badass lady who is the boss of tucker carlson
    B. Jen Rubin, conservative columnist for WaPo

    • notaten

      I thought that was what was on Paul Ryan’s business cards.

    • greyXstar

      I’m gonna go with B just because that would be the most hilarious

    • John Thorstensen

      Rubin, I believe. [ding ding ding ding!]

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Jenny on the block is none too happy with the GOP these days

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Also too, my phone now auto suggests after I type GOP “crybabies”

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      I’ma say Jen.

    • schmannity

      Not John Boehner?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The most pressing matter facing America.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      And the only way Snarlson knows how to distract his viewers from the slow motion walking shit show called Trump’s European Vacation.

      • Three Finger Salute

        He really hates Merkel, doesn’t he. The “Germany is evil” stupidity was him lashing out at her. He wouldn’t even dignify her with a handshake because he is threatened by intelligent boss-women. How the fuck did we get to upside-down world where the country responsible for 9/11 is our best friend, and a no-longer-Nazi version of Germany is “evil”?

  • Marceline

    Here’s a radical idea Fucker, if you don’t want to make her famous, don’t talk about her. I’m sure she’ll be fine with that.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    Honestly Tucker, if that’s the best you can do when you go after someone, I feel a little bit sorry for you. And I don’t LIKE feeling sorry for you. So KNOCK IT OFF!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Bub the Empathy Zombie.

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        You snark, but sometimes I feel just terrible as I rip the soft, living brains from a screaming victim. It’s a handicap, given my dietary requirements. That’s why I mostly go for people wearing MAGA hats – then I don’t feel so bad.

        OTOH, their brains are tiny, so I have to kill more of them…it’s a conundrum.

        • therblig

          empty calories?

          • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

            No, the calories are real, but the portions are just too damn small.

          • Bobathonic

            Well, keep on keeping on.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Oh, that is so sad! Poor, sweet sensitive Bub! I am moved to tears by your plight!

          https://media.giphy.com/media/egMH1R1RrfIsM/giphy.gif

          • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

            Thank you Kiri. It’s my cross to bear, and I try to do so with bravery and stioci….waaiit a minute. Are you being a SARCASTIC little unicorn?

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            No! Never when you’re concerned! I’m just doing comedic melodrama, I swear!

  • greyXstar

    She’s not gonna bang you, Tucker.

    Nobody is.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Lumpy might

      • Edith Prickly

        WORST SLASHFIC EVER

      • greyXstar

        There’s no getting that image out of my head ever

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I think we know that spider’s name….

  • OddMan
    • Chadwells

      That would make for a good dart board.

      • OddMan

        Bull-shitters-eye every time.

    • C4TWOMAN

      “Bow ties are cool.”
      ~ 11th Doctor

      • Nasty Girl Brianna

        As are fez’s.

        • C4TWOMAN

          Careful. There is a “River Song” on disqus. Might just zap that fez….

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Nope.

        • C4TWOMAN

          I actually never really liked them. But Matt Smith sorta made them work.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            It’s the sonic screwdriver, makes anything work, including bowties

        • MynameisBlarney

          Bill Nye?

          HallooooOOO?

        • Kateaux

          Sen. Paul Simon kinda made them work (I remember back during the 1988 Presidential campaign, some Simon supporters had little gold bow-tie pins).

  • Msgr_MĪ©ment

    I would post

    There was a young fellow named Tucker
    Who, instructing a novice cocksucker,
    Said, “Don’t blow out your lips
    Like an elephant’s hips;
    The boys like it best when you pucker.”

    But that would suggest he had bankable skills.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Tucker who?

    • Skwerl the Impeachanator!

      The Mutha Trucker!

  • Skwerl the Impeachanator!
    • Skwerl the Impeachanator!

      Yes, I know this somehow makes me a violent liberal.

  • Nasty Girl Brianna

    Isn’t time Tucker Carlson went on a vacation?

    • It seems inevitable.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Isn’t it time all of Faux News went on a vacation? Or, maybe, a fishing trip? Do they know Hail Mary? Will Fredo be there?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        ugh, could you imagine a Fox corporate retreat?

        Blech.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    While Il Douche and the GOPtards scheme to fuck over the poor, and hand the money to the bilionaire class, let’s meet a couple of homeless guys with 1,000 times the humanity (and 10,000 times the class):

    Mr. Parker, 33, was panhandling when the bomb exploded, according to local news reports. The force of the blast knocked him to the floor, but he was unfazed. Rather than running for safety, he went to the aid of victims, comforting a girl who had lost her legs, wrapping her in a T-shirt, and cradling a dying woman in his arms.
    Mr. Jones, 35, says he pulled nails out of children’s arms and faces. ā€œJust because I am homeless doesn’t mean I haven’t got a heart, or I’m not human still,ā€ he told ITV News. ā€œI’d like to think someone would come and help me if I needed the help,ā€ he said, adding that he had been overcome by an ā€œinstinctā€ to pitch in. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/24/world/europe/homeless-hero-manchester.html

    • Khavrinen

      “Il Douche and the GOPtards”

      Worst Reagan cover-band ever.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Remember Lauren Duca? She’s a writer for Teen Vogue who appeared on this show just before Christmas and delivered a performance so mindless and nasty

    One of those proud nasty women got the best of you, eh, Tucker?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a65ff6fb22465fe4de3383495bc8a0bb530469ed043d9ec7c569662abbefc60e.jpg

  • MynameisBlarney
    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      Hillary as in Wellesley!

  • jowgajen

    Nice man with a doctorate level degree handled the spider. See? Men are still useful to
    feminists (provided they have sufficient training).

  • Lyly Sirivong

    The right has never ever wished death on anyone. Ever.

    • notaten

      2nd amendment solutions is just a meta, metathingie thing that means what you think it means, but more politically correcter.

      • Khavrinen

        We deserve 2nd amendment solutions, or what’s a meta for?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Anything to avoid talking about Russiagate, right Fucker?

  • Chadwells

    I hear that Tucker is super excited for Hanson’s new song.

  • Ī©bjectifier

    OT – Some cyclists, I assume, are good people.
    https://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2017/05/25/us/ap-us-cyclist-hit-deportation.html?_r=0

    Marcos Huete works two jobs in construction during the day and as a restaurant dishwasher at night, his sister says.

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      I’m going to do my best to stay within the rules. I hate what Donald Trump has turned my country into, and I hope racist cops and ICE officers end up the same place Trump does.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    But you’d think someone on the Bard commencement committee would have actually read what Duca has written before hiring her, maybe looked at her Twitter feed for a minute

    Okay:

    Lauren Ducaā€
    Verified account @laurenduca 5h5 hours ago

    .@TuckerCarlson Is this tweet political violence y/n

    HA!

    PS: Lauren Duca is using the “Remember Lauren Duca?” chryon as her background on Twitter. HA!

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Tucker, don’t do that. Don’t try to humanize yourself, you suck at that.

    I really don’t care who Tucker Carlson is, Lauren Duca is awesome and I heard about her long before Faux news did, here, from yer own Wonkette. If she wasn’t already kinda famous, why’d he have her on in the first place? He just having rando left wing bloggers on so’s he can hunt them for sport? Zat why Tucker’s got a feels hurt because the little girl grabbed him by the proverbial pussy and moved on him like a bitch without even giving him the courtesy of a furniture shopping excursion? Maybe it’s because she’s younger, more talented and relevant and he’s just an Old and a Sad and A Idiot who never gets invited to speak at the cool colleges?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      “Or a Golden Girls spinoff!” HA! Thanks, Blarney, I needed some John Cleese today.

    • Chadwells

      Beatitudes are for poor people!

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Beatitudes are just a state of mind.

        • Bemused Australian

          Thanks Ben.

    • jowgajen

      Through this link I found, The Gospel of Supply-side Jesus:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc-LJ_3VbUA

    • Pre-existing Ugly Dude

      “Blessed are the cheese makers”

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.

        • MynameisBlarney

          BLASPHEMER!

          • WotsAllThisThen

            FOLLOW THE GOURD!

          • MynameisBlarney

            The CURD! You heathen!

          • WomanInThePersistence

            You are the Messiah!

          • No ‘e’s not! ‘E’s a very naughty boy!

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I love him so.

  • Who made Fucker Carlson look worse?

    Duca or…

    https://youtu.be/4X_FHOhtgs4

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      The answer is Tucker. The answer to the question “who made Tucker look worse?” is always Tucker.

      • Bemused Australian

        He doesn’t need any help to do it beyond a microphone, camera, or even just a keyboard hooked up to the intertubes.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          Or just waking up in the morning. The best way he can help his image is to just stop waking up.

        • Khavrinen

          Frank Burns: “Why would you do that?”
          Hawkeye: “To help you look foolish.”
          Frank Burns: “I don’t need your help.”

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            You realize that Frank Burns was the prototypical Reaganite conservative? I swear, that dude could win an election these days.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack
  • schmannity

    I don’t often apologize, but when I do, I refer to the person as “not very impressive.”

  • Spurning Beer

    What is it with these guys with first names that are supposed to be last names? Sometimes they’re just rich guys, but an awful lot of the time they are lawyers. Is it that parents are steering their sons toward the legal profession by naming them something obnoxious, like Tucker?

  • WotsAllThisThen

    You mean this whole time the Internet has been collectively wishing Trump and his entire administration die in a literal dumpster fire? Who knew!

  • Bemused Australian

    I love the brow furrowing look of confused indignation that Tucker Carlson wears the whole time there’s a camera pointing at him. Perhaps it’s an attempt to make everyone aware that he’s the only fox host whose face hasn’t been shot full of botchelinotoxin. Or maybe all the other parts of his face were, and that’s the only part he can still use. All very confusing.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i’m convinced he’s always trying to reconcile whatever he’s hearing with his own perverse world view.

      (Thought bubble): “This person actually BELIEVES we shouldn’t (bomb civilian muslims, let gay folks marry, pay for healthcare, etc – I dunno, I don’t watch his show).

  • Anna Elizabeth, Tank Grrl

    So, in the totally not-Gay movie TopGun, was totally not-Gay RIO “Slider” actually threatening totally not-Gay aviator “Maverick?”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy-94vokgqo

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    “Gosh, how much wrong can you find in that, kids? ”

    TONS.

  • DainBramage

    Someday when the definitive work on this political era is written, there will be a list of the most prominent media idiots who made this time nastier, meaner and made everyone who listened to them stupider. Tucker’s name probably won’t be there, as he will be completely forgotten.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I don’t think they’ll be named. Their quotes will be collected under the category of “complicit media personalities.”

      • Swampgas_Man

        I still think he’s the illegitimate son of George F(uckhead) Will.

  • WomanInThePersistence
    • HazooToo

      Best news all day.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I like this YouTube channel. It’s earnest and passionate.

    • mackafritz

      Their target audience is dying too.

      • Khavrinen

        If only some of them would wise up before then.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I hate to say it, but gullible idiots will always be with us.

    • Bemused Australian

      Failing Fox News. Such low energy. Sad.

    • georgiaburning

      I’ll believe that when it’s not on 24/7 at truck stops in AZ

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Sometimes I need a ray of sunshine. And last night a poster (sorry, I can’t remember who) had a lovely story about how the decent people in their town got their local bar/burger joint to stop showing Fox all the damn time.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    why do I feel like a detailed analysis of both party’s twitter feeds would reveal an unbalanced total of tweets featuring imagery and text that could be interpreted the same way Tucker is doing it.

  • Jenny

    Oy, he seems awfully concerned with where she is going and what she is doing.

    Plus she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when she met him. Don’t forget he made her!!!

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      “Don’t, don’t you want me? You know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me.”– Tucker

    • doktorzoom

      Did you say workin’ as a waitress in a cocktail bar? Cocktail bar! Cocktail bar!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1nywcksid4

      [this is one of the most gloriously stupid things on the interwebs]

  • Swampay

    But hey, that Greg Gianforte sure did a good thing punching that obnoxious reporter who kept asking for information!

  • msanthropesmr

    Put me on the Wolverine up to Annandale.

    • LucindathePook

      I’m never going back…..

    • mailman27

      Guadalajara won’t do.

    • Kateaux

      Tried to warn you about Chino and Daddy Gee…

    • HogeyeGrex

      Whoa, no. William and Mary won’t do, now.

  • MynameisBlarney

    So…I think I’ve figured out where I’m gonna go for vacation…

    https://i.chzbgr.com/full/6767265792/h92CD7B5D/

    • Bemused Australian

      I wouldn’t recommend it. That particular area is either full of venomous creatures, or on fire and full of pissed off venomous creatures.

      • Chadwells

        whoa whoa whoa….but you said!

        • Bemused Australian

          Shhhh, I’m trying to scare off potential tourists!

          • Chadwells

            HAHA!!! Carry on!

      • Chadwells

        LOL!!! Just kiddin!

      • MynameisBlarney

        DAMMIT!

    • Chadwells

      Awwwww yeah! It ain’t your beauty, it’s your Booti Booti!!

  • BMW

    Are we sure the crashing and burning isn’t just footage of Trump Airlines?

  • capnkrunch

    Peter Thiel spoke at my sister’s commencement. Ugh. Apparently some (many, most?) students were very upset about it.

    But the very worst part was that there was no cell signal in the auditorium. Would much rather have seen Ms. Duca.

    • There was prolly no cell signal so the students couldn’t tape him and put it on the internets.
      Probably.
      I hear he is super paranoid about stuff like that

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        think he brought his own cell phone jammer?
        I dunno much about it – but your comment makes it sound like something he’d do.

        • dunno, prolly nothing at all. But I did read he was mondo paranoid, like Spruce Goose time

      • capnkrunch

        Probably not. Pretty sure it’s because she went to school in the middle of nowhere. Plus I think there’s a requirement for indoor graduation ceremonies that they must be held in auditoriums that do not get cell coverage. Every time I have to go to one I just want to wear headphones and watch YouTube videos but it never works.

        It literally takes a couple seconds for the person I’m there for to get their diploma and I don’t need to watch the rest of that shit.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        He should be glad I wasn’t running sound. Mess with my cell service and your stupid speech ends up being a soundboard recording posted all over the internet

      • CaliCheeseSucks

        Admittedly, I don’t use the camera feature often (I’m a Gen Xer who feels no need fucking film anything, much less everything) but won’t the camera app still work without wifi? You would just have to save and upload later. Seems like all wifi blocking would do is block live posting it, not recording it for later.

    • Zonath

      I would have thought the worst part of a Peter Thiel commencement speech would be the parts where he has to constantly pause and drink the blood of albino bats in order to replenish his evil powers.

      • capnkrunch

        Nah. That part reminded me of seeing Sabbath which was pretty cool.

      • Three Finger Salute

        He can’t just take more “user fees” from random Paypal accounts?

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Just remember, sportsfans, the pen is always mightier than the sword, has been since before there were protections, will be even now. People remember the pen, that’s how the future knows the past. Those who seek to destroy this seek to destroy themselves in the fullness of time.

  • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

    You owe it to yourselves, if you are on Twitter, to follow this young lady’s feed. Extremely bright and insightful. She gives me hope:

    https://twitter.com/GothamGirlBlue/status/867946706247143425

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      True dat, GothamGirlBlue. Might set up a Tweeterino account just to follow her.

      • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

        It’s worth it. She’s prolific, intelligent, and does a better job of working within the 140 character format than anyone else I’ve come across.

    • phoenix00

      > Bud Light is the most popular beer in the country.

      Given the quantity of rednecks and frat boys looking for a cheap buzz, I’m not surprised, just disappointed.

  • Ok, I have a confuse: If she is not that important and nothing special, why is he devoting part of his show to whining about how she is giving a speech to one of those liberal colleges?

    • snark-lurker

      Nobuddy can explain it.

    • Ricky Gay

      She gave him an owie

      • Wee geeees. If he wants to not look like A Idiot, he could try not being A Idiot.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          That’s way beyond his pay grade

        • Gregory Brown

          He is a Hard Working Moran! His old noggin is running on one cylinder, and that baby is firing for all it’s worth.

    • phoenix00

      Because Fucker Snarlson is a crybaby snowflake and had his precious fee-fees hurt?

  • georgiaburning

    OT- Based on the current front page, Trump’s fans at the Enquirer have turned on Fox News anchors.

  • Ricky Gay

    Heard on the internet that Tucker lights his farts.

    • DainBramage

      Hey! I read that on the internet. Must be true.

      • Jeff Ackerman

        I just read it too!

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      When he’s not assaulting barnyard animals? The man is busy.

  • lastroth

    Is Tucker Fox’s concerned conservative token? I always look at him and think “Damn he looks constipated. And has he talked to his doctor about his constipation? Is it opioid induced constipation?” Then I lose track of what he trying to pretend to care about and continue channel surfing.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      Me too. I only see pics of him and he always has that either constipated or confused look.

  • La forza del resistino

    Tucker burnt like a Swanson’s frozen dinner after 2 hours cook time.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9fc775e11fa553a8aa29a498c0650fecb76db2babd3d789170df5c8fd34cf098.jpg

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Fuck Greg Abbot while we’re at the fuckery.

    Today, after signing a bill that lowers the fee licensing a handgun
    in the state, Texas Governor Greg Abbott went to a gun range to show off
    his prowess with firearms. Then, as he displayed his target sheet and
    handgun, he joked in plain view of several reporters and photographers,
    “I’m gonna carry this around in case I see any reporters.”

    Not
    funny. Two days ago, Republican House candidate Greg Gianforte beat up
    ā€œGuardianā€ reporter Ben Jacobs at a public event in Bozeman, Montana. Gianforte was elected yesterday.

    Under Trump, hatred of the mainstream press has become dogma among some sectors of the Republican Party and the public.

    Let me emphasize once more that violence and intimidation directed at
    America’s free and independent press is a threat to our democracy. Even
    if it’s supposed to be a joke.

    ā€œReporters Without Borders,ā€ an
    organization that grades countries on the protections they afford to
    freedom of the press, now ranks the United States 43rd in the world,
    just below the small African nation of Burkina Faso.

    • Chadwells

      I shared my thoughts on this earlier and this is exactly what I was worried about with the Gianforte crap.

      Someone admonished me mildly earlier for recommending Abbott get his ass kicked for saying this because he is in a wheelchair.

      Wheelchair or no…you threaten me with a gun…it’s game time and I’m coming at you hard.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Exactly! I mean, I’m mentally disabled right now but I fully expect to be treated like anyone else. If I threaten someone, I suffer the consequences, plain and simple. So mote it be with Abbott. Shit people can be wheelchair bound as well as able bodied people.

      • An Outhouse for the Resistance

        Flip him over.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Since Trumpo is a fan of golf, he probably thinks you’re winning when you get the lowest score. So, out of some 200+ countries in the world, the U.S. will win when we get to last place. We’re number 250! We’re number 250! USA USA USA USA!

    • everstar

      It blew my mind that people said it sounded like Ben Jacobs was whining when he said his glasses were broken. As someone who’s had glasses since the age of six, I wasn’t surprised at all that was one of the first things he said. I would have said the same damn thing. To this day one of my main concerns about physical activity is, “Will it involve anything flying at my face?”

      • Gregory Brown

        If you can’t frikin’ see without your glasses, it is very, very important.

      • phoenix00

        Seems like some people actually enjoy shards of plastic or glass in their eyeballs…

        /also had glasses since 9 y.o.

        • Regret

          Like other people, us four-eyes enjoy seeing and hate being blinded.
          RE shards:
          I broke my glasses quite a few times but the glass itself never shattered, it was always the frame that snapped or the glasses got scratched so badly they were useless.

          • phoenix00

            Thankfully, lens shattering is rare.

            For me it’s temple hinges snapping or nose pieces getting lost.

    • Stulexington

      wonder how he would react if a reporter showed his open carry and said “we’re already ready for ya”

    • Teto85

      In Texas you can own as many guns as you can pay the fees for, but only 6 dildos. Any more than that and they consider you a dealer.

      • phoenix00

        By “dealer” you mean “gay prostitute”, right?

  • Mavenmaven

    Can we break the no comments rule and get her to comment here at Wonkette? She’s awesome.

    • hendenburg2

      What makes you assume she ISN’T not commenting?

    • Three Finger Salute

      What’s the no comments rule?

      • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

        An in-joke about Wonkette not allowing comments,taken from some hate mail an idiot sent to a Wonkette writer.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Must have been a pretty nasty letter to even think about closing the pub. Or maybe the throwback who sent it had his carrier pigeon take a dump in the envelope.

          • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

            Nah, basically the hater complained about Wonkette “not allowing comments” which is obviously false, and it stuck.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Ah, I see. The mods just didn’t allow comments from him, because douches are supposed to be discarded.

          • Gregory Brown

            What you have just referred to is what is known as being hit with the “banhammer of loving correction.”

          • Regret

            You forgot to add Ā© and ā„¢ John Scalzi.

            Also, it now exists physically!
            http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/09/03/behold-the-mallet-of-loving-correction/

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I’ll be patiently waiting for Fucker to say something about Greg Abbott today

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Tucker knows barking on cable television

  • Manhattan123

    This just in…Tucker Carson and Sean Hannity are tied in The Most Punchable Face on Fox race, with Steve Douchey a strong third.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Jesse Watters is the winner for most punchable face in the under 45 division at Fox which is like 2 dudes…

      • Three Finger Salute

        Oh, you mean David Schwimmer’s potatohead cousin?

      • Gregory Brown

        Watters desperately needs not only to be face punched, but to be introduced to the Atomic Wedgie.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      The dark horse, for me, is Lou Dobbs.

    • Bub, Zombie of the Resistance

      See, the problem with a competition like this is that you need someone to actually PUNCH all these assholes in order to have some sort of believable, scientific result. I mean, we want to get this right, don’t we? So I volunteer to do the punching. Line ’em up…

    • susan_g

      You have the line up all of them (Dobbs, too) and give them the Three Stooges Moe Howard treatment with the slapping.

    • mancityRed6
    • Three Finger Salute

      You spelled “turd” wrong :)

      • Gregory Brown

        I see what you did there.

  • Miss Dill
  • Shoto

    Trust-fund twit, and all-around shitty human being Tucker Carlson needs his cosseted ass beaten in the worst kind of way. Yeah, with votes, etc.

  • Michael R

    Interesting fact :
    The ” left ” is a huge part of Tucker Carlson’s brain that failed to develop normally .

  • CATMAN

    Ya gotta love FOX News–they replace O’Reilly, a relatively smart person pretending to be stupid with DumbfuckerTucker, a stupid person pretending to be smart. Remember, that O’Reilly graduated from Harvard and Carlson was a college dropout

    • Teto85

      Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are both Harvard dropouts.

      • Gregory Brown

        Granted. But what’s your point? THEY aren’t stupid.

      • CATMAN

        Trinity College ain’t Harvard

        • Teto85

          I went to Trinity College for post-doc. Or do you mean some Trinity College not at Cambridge University?

          • CATMAN

            The one in Hartford Connecticut–they wouldn’t let that moron near Cambridge

    • Gregory Brown

      I still picture that twit with his fucking bowties. That is his essence: a bowtied douchebag.

  • puredog

    Well, TBH, if it’s Bard, it’s at least a little insane. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • Poly_Ester

    Wasn’t there as ex-Catholic that recently gave the commencement speech at a Catholic University? Or is that a false equivalence?

  • JD Mulvey

    Great ideas here!

    Next time I apologize to someone: “I apologize because I slightly lost my composure when you were vile and nasty and horrible that time.”

    • Ferroequinologist Ron

      Ooh, gonna steal and use that myself!

  • Me not sure

    Would it be wrong of me to say that if I never hear of either Lauren Duca or Tucker Carlson again that I would be fine with that, but if I had to pick one to fall of of the edge of the world it would be Tuckie.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/80bc00036599ec38233eaf0689fe50735d6811f2d29da9e42c7d60043f2d1614.jpg
    Row harder, Tucker.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    Fucker Snarlson would be good for lots of things:

    *colonizing Neptune
    *testing the temperature of lava
    *taste-testing arsenic

  • hvdv

    Heee. It’s Commencement Speech Envy Season! Poor Tucker. ETA: poor as in “a state of mind,” obviously.

  • azeyote

    i can’t imagine the kind of person who is a fan of that tucker whoever –

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Proly just the fact that Tuck can’t date girls like that since he came out of his bow tie phase…or before, I bet.

  • Zyxomma

    I didn’t know Simon Rock, only the Bard at Annandale-on-Hudson. Thanks. I remember when Tucker Carlson was a fledgling d-bag reporter at the right wing NY Press (which I always brought home because it had great comics, like Drinky Crow). He hasn’t improved with age.

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