just a quick note- no trans person has ever said “did you just assume my gender.” trans people are very aware of how their gender and physical appearance differ and that visually one might assume that they are a man/woman when they are actually not. that’s kind of the whole idea of gender dysphoria.
and also you’ve beaten your “attack helicopter” joke into the fucking ground. cut that shit out.
i wanted to add one more thing to this post that other people have pointed out: i know its an awkward question, but a lot of trans people are going to be 100% fine with you asking what their gender is, or with calmly correcting you if you get it wrong. and if they’re not, then they’re way more likely to keep it to themselves than get visibly angry with someone. this idea that trans people just go apeshit when people misgender them accidentally/when first meeting them is a complete fabrication for a stupid joke and that’s why i despise it so much.
I can’t afford to get visibly angry about people misgendering me because that puts me in danger of getting harmed. once a cis person finds out my gender, one of two things will happen: they either accept me to various degrees, or they reject me and potentially escalate the situation. politeness is the only way I can decrease the risk of the latter.
the “DID YOU ASSUME MY GENDER?!” trope only serves to make trans people look ridiculous/unreasonable in the eyes of cis people, and places in their minds preconceptions about us that makes it harder, ultimately, for us to come out safely. if all they know about trans people are shitty jokes, then we as a people become those jokes to them.
e me a mail
make the attachment
a pic of a snail
rose: spongebob was a twink and he wanted to get pounded by larry the lobster
dave: … well that is true but it doesn’t mean you should say it
It’s not fair that we have to conform to NT social standards. It’s really not. It sucks and it’s hard work.
In most situations, I will nod my head and say that NTs just need to be more accepting and get over it.
The big exception I have, however, is when autistic men accidentally act in a threatening manner towards women.
Look, I’m an autistic woman and even I, knowing full well what’s going on, still get terrified sometimes. So I’ve just put together the three things autistic men do that immediately set off the red alert in my brain, with some quick tips for avoiding appearing threatening in ways that shouldn’t upset your autism.
(Side note: To be honest, a lot of this is applicable across all genders and interactions, but women get more leeway before their behaviour is seen as threatening. When other women do these things, I shrug them off, or tell them to knock it off. When men do them, I freeze up and panic. There is a cultural bias to see men as more threatening.
And, to be honest, that red alert in my brain is essential to my survival, and that’s true for a lot of women. In the past, when I haven’t listened to the red alert, and have tried to give the benefit of the doubt, I have ended up in some very bad situations. It’s unfortunate that ND behaviours get tied up in red flag behaviours, but it doesn’t make them any less red flag behaviours and women reacting as such is important to them as a survival skill.)
If You Find Out Personal Contact Information By Accident, You’re Not Allowed to Use it
Say you’re on a work night out and you and a co-worker share a taxi home. She gets out and walks to her house before the taxi pulls away to take you home. You now know where she lives.
She hasn’t given you that information. She hasn’t extended an invitation for you to call around. So don’t. In anything short of an emergency situation (e.g. she doesn’t show up for work and no one can contact her), you act as if you don’t have that information.
Similarly, if you happen to come across her phone number or personal email, without her having given it to you, don’t use it. Or start using it sparingly, and open with “Hey, it’s [your name]. I got your number from [X] because I needed to ask you [Y]. If you’d rather I contact you in another way, or just would have preferred it if I had I waited until we saw each other in person, please let me know.”
If she doesn’t respond, don’t send another message. Just let it go.
Showing up uninvited to someone’s house (when they haven’t given you an open invitation to call around whenever) or using personal contact information they haven’t given you makes you seem like a stalker. And showing up at her house especially violates her feeling of safety.
Step Back and Don’t Block Exits
Look, we all get excited when we infodump. We all get stimmy and have trouble regulating the volume of our voices.
Similarly, we all start frantically stimming when we get frustrated.
Both of these can be terrifying to be on the other end of, but it’s very simple to reduce the risk of the person you’re talking to feeling afraid.
Take a good step back. I mean it. A decent one. If you’re too far away for them to hear, they will step closer to you. Give them breathing room.
Don’t stand in doorways. Seriously, just try to be mindful of doorways. This happens all of the time and nothing makes me feel more trapped.
In fact, be mindful of any exit and avoid standing between her and it. She probably won’t run away, but cutting off the possibility will make her more likely to panic.
Be Upfront With Your Romantic Intentions or Lack Thereof
Look, the majority of autistic people cannot flirt. I know I can’t. So it can be difficult for women to realise that you’re trying to flirt with them if you’re not just upfront about it. And, to be honest, not being upfront can put you squarely in the “friend-zone zone”, where a woman gets anxious because she thinks that you think that you’re in the friend-zone and she has no clue how to approach that, or reject you concretely when you’re not being upfront about your intentions.
Yes, getting hurt sucks. But if you’re trying to get with a girl, for the love of Gandalf, just tell her. Do it casually and respect her right to say no, but tell her.
“Hey, so, I kind of like you and was wondering if you wanted to go on a date. But if not, that’s cool, I just thought I’d ask.”
If she says no, just keep it casual. Even if you feel like your heart just got stomped into tiny pieces, smile and say “Alright, that’s cool. I just thought I’d ask.”
Now, if you have no romantic interest in her, you should also try to make that clear. When autistic people get overenthusiastic about things, we can often accidentally send flirting signals. This can quickly bring about the problem of the friend-zone zone.
I actually don’t have a good suggestion for that one. Unless you’re not into girls and feel comfortable enough to tell her. But you should be aware that it can be a problem.
Okay, these were just the ones off the top of my head. Followers, feel free to add others.
I do get that this feels shitty. And I have gone back and forth about whether or not to make a post like this, because I get just how awful being told to stop ND traits can be. But I’m not telling you to stop, I’m giving you work arounds, because I cannot count the number of times my male autistic friends have terrified me accidentally.
I’m bringing this post back because I’ve been recently contacted by an autistic guy through my author FB page who I’m sure didn’t mean to give off stalker vibes but DID.
Half of me feels bad for blocking him, but the other half of me is in a panic, trying to think over every piece of public information I have ever shared and wondering if tHIS IS HOW I DIE.
This is some solid advice. Especially the one about personal space and blocking doorways.
Like seriously, that one thing, above all else, if people remember that it would be awesome.
Make it part of your routine for info dumping. Check your surroundings, step away, clear a path, and infodump away.
It will go a long, long, way to eliminating the creep vibe that so many of us accidentally give off.
hey i’m not dead, just in hospital, meaning i’ve had a lot of free time to draw more daves. there are never enough daves.
my grave will probably say something like “here lies skid, who could never just let go of albino!dave”
i really like the song “blue lips” by regina spektor because its about equius from homestuck