i used to get self-conscious over the smallest things but friends let me tell you that today i had to smuggle a furious 8ft python onto the bus during the school rush and not a single person noticed. not one. if people don’t care enough to notice a shopping bag writhing and seething with barely-contained reptilian hatred then i promise you that no-one will pay any attention to that blemish you’re fretting about or how you’ve done your hair
snakes are not evil killers out for blood, and length doesn’t mean lethality! my biggest guy is 11 ft– if i have him around my neck, both his face and his tail touch the floor– and even his species struggles to take down anything bigger than a small-to-medium dog
the worst damage that my 8fter is capable of is when she decides to do an impression of a blood-pressure cuff and makes my arm go a bit purple, and even that’s just when i humour her dreams of being big and scary and let her squeeze her hardest before i unwind her like a bratty garden hose
as long as you’re not some sort of magical tumblring rat, you’re fine
1. she’s a cranky ass in general, but her mood was absolutely not improved by eating a bit of a snake hook, getting stuffed in a sack, experiencing an hour of adelaide’s finest public transport, and having a vet jam a tube into her stomach
2. i think all of australia is technically a leash-free snake park tbh
i love how in FL cannibalism is for the most part only hinted at like ‘ohhh they have such ‘’’’’terrible table manners’’’’’’’’ if you know what i mean’ and the player character has to put in a good bit of effort to even interact with cannibals, much less eat human flesh.
and then in sunless sea its like ‘whoops im out of supplies better eat my crew haha’
listen i don’t know anything about Fallen London but you abbreviating it to FL made me think this was something happening in Florida and as someone who lives in Florida, i was prepared to believe it
TED: Two incredible chefs face off in the dessert round of Chopped! Who will be the Chopped Champion and who will be chopped?
(Bill and Madagascar stand face to face in the kitchen. Madagascar narrows his eyes at his challenger, Bill’s hands visibly tremble.)
TED: Are you ready?
MADAGASCAR: You’re going down.
BILL: Let the best man win.
TED: Please open your baskets. You must construct a dessert using depleted uranium casings, dulce de leche, a cassette-tape recording of a humming refrigerator, and Kung Pao vegan tenderloin. You have thirty minutes. Clock starts now.
MADAGASCAR: I need that money, and the judges have practically handed it to me already. I get challah and croutons from the pantry and set about grinding them small for a bread pudding.
BILL: I haven’t actually used an ice cream machine before but now seems like a good time to learn. Heavy cream and some of the dulce go into it. It has to work. It has to.
MADAGASCAR: Depleted uranium? How is that even possible? I’m Krzntaznstani, in my country we don’t call that food, we call that “wealth.” (laughs) Man, what my dad would have been able to do with enough uranium to let go sour. We might not have left.
(Bill pulls the ice cream lever, tan paste stutters out of the spigot)
BILL: My ice cream came out like ice cream, but it’s not right somehow. I throw it into the blast chiller and hope the answer will come to me before time is up. Meanwhile I work on getting the tape out of the cassette and chopped into small enough pieces to fit into the smoker.
MADAGASCAR: I look over and I see Bill is using a lot of high-tech gadgets. Maybe he’s hoping to impress them with his knowledge of kitchen gear? I’m not using that. I’m going to honor my heritage and follow the advice my mother gave me before I left: (looks dead into the camera) “Be wary. Trust in God. Trust no others. Come back to me, my son, that I may look upon you once more before I fade into the sky.” She’s been saying that since I was little. I love her so much.
(Madagascar puts the bullet casings into the blender with a dash of lime juice)
TED: Judges, what are your feelings on this competition?
JUDGE AARON: I think we have two really skilled people here, but to be honest, I wonder if Bill’s luck will hold out through this final round.
JUDGE ALEX: Madagascar hasn’t even touched his cassette tape yet.
BILL: I’m looking at the Kung Pao tenderloin, and it’s pretty obvious that this is the dish that Angela made in the last round. It’s kind of cold, so I throw it into a pan with the uranium to heat it up.
(He does this without turning on the stove. A soft blue glow begins to emit from the pan while thin, acrid smoke rises from the wooden spoon he has laid across the top)
MADAGASCAR: The bread puddings aren’t cooking as fast as I’d like, so I shave off a few slivers of the uranium and drop them on top of the ramekins.
JUDGE SCOTT: Mmm! Starting to smell good in here!
TED: Five minutes remaining!
BILL: The radiation has done a pretty good job on the loin, but now it tastes kind of metallic. I scoop the rest of the dulce de leche on top and it immediately starts to form a nice carmelly shell. I get the tape into the smoker and let it do its work.
MADAGASCAR: My mom showed me how to do this once, using a hydraulic press. I don’t have that here, but I have cheesecloth and my mitts.
(Madagascar gathers the Kung Pao vegan tenderloin into a cheesecloth and starts wringing the fluids from it into a bowl. He doesn’t get much, and places a little into four Japanese wedge spoons on his plates.)
TED: Last minute! Get it on the plate!
(Bill and Madagascar run around frantically gathering things and looking stressed. Bill is crying softly.)
TED: Three…two…one…time’s up, please step back.
(They step back. Bill’s crying has gone from passive to active, his shoulders are shaking and there is mucous on his chin.)
MADAGASCAR: I think my plates look great. Bill’s are alright, but I’d be lying if I thought he has as good presentation.
(They file out of the kitchen and are heading towards the sweat room, when Bill pauses. He looks straight into the camera, then past it, a gleam of hope in his eyes. He runs full tilt at the audience.)
CAMERAMAN: Woah, watch it!
(The camera clatters to the ground. From a sideways perspective we see the silhouette of Bill as he flees for the studio door, while a host of crewpeople run around trying to get the show back on track. A few try to restrain him. He fights them off with one tattooed arm while tugging desperately on the doorknob.)
BILL: It’s locked! Why is it locked! Oh God no, please just let me go! He can have the money just let me go!
(Commercials.)
Dammit Bill, those things ain’t cheap. Neither are the cameras.
JUDGE SCOTT: Ordinarily we’d taste your food first, but chef Bill, you’ve been chopped.
JUDGE AARON: I thought you escape attempt was kind of lacking in flavor, a little too much salt and not enough spice.
JUDGE ALEX (sternly): I wish you the best.
BILL (pale and with a bloodied cut on the lip): Please, I beg you.
MADAGASCAR: Good luck, man. (shakes his hand. Bill seems dazed, lets his hand drop limply)
(Bill staggers towards the hallway, a fatalistic look on his face. He pauses just before the left turn, glances at something behind the camera, and goes even paler.)
BILL: Vanessa, I…I love you. If you’re watching, I’ll always love you.
TED: And that means that you, Madagascar, are our new Chopped Champion!
(the judges applaud. Madagascar grins hugely and shakes their hands, hugging Ted.)
MADAGASCAR: I feel like I really accomplished something today. My family will be proud of me, and I’m proud of myself. It just shows that if you really want something, it can be gotten through hard work and perseverance.
(part one here) (frankly you people frighten me) (@edielovespie demanded more)
TED: And we’re back for the entree round. Please open your baskets. You must construct an unforgettable entree using live monarch butterflies, chocolate sandwich cookies, vegan tenderloin, and hubcap. You have thirty minutes. Clock starts now.
MADAGASCAR: The judges were really nice to me in spite of the blood in the first round, so I need to step it up if I want to continue. I get the cream filling out of the cookies and put the cookie part aside for a crostini later.
ANGELA: The tenderloin tastes kind of like pork, so I get some fish sauce and oranges and cornstarch from the pantry to get it coated for an Asian-inspired Kung Pao technique.
JUDGE AARON: Now, the real challenge in this basket are those live butterflies. They are poisonous in every way, especially the wings, which are brightly-colored as nature’s warning sign.
JUDGE SCOTT: I was thinking the hard part would be the cookies, it’s got that double sweetness that has to be balanced just right in a dish containing tenderloin of vegan.
BILL: I overhear the judges talking about butterfly wings, so I spread them on top of my tenderloin like a puff pastry. Gonna make a Wellington. We do that a lot at my restaurant, though honestly I never thought to put it with a hubcab.
TED: Fifteen minutes remaining.
ANGELA: I’m hacking at the hubcap with my carving knife, but I just can’t seem to crack it open. I know the center of these things is a rich, creamy sort of muscle like a scallop, and I’m hoping to use it like a surf-n-turf pairing.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
ANGELA: I look over and I see that the fryer wasn’t even turned on! My cutlets are ruined, and I’m so short on time I can’t start over. I throw the bits onto the grill and hope the’ll cook in time.
MADAGASCAR: I grate some of the hubcap into the sauce to give it some brightness. It’s turning this really shiny metallic grey, not very appetizing. Meanwhile, my spring rolls are ready to roll up but these aren’t the kind of wrappers I’m used to. I think they’re made of, like, rice or something?
BILL: I’m watching the time just slip away, and I hope my Wellington isn’t overdone. They really didn’t give us a lot of tenderloin for this round. (laughs) Maybe they’re all from the same vegan? (laughing stops, sudden realization dawns)
TED: And this is your last minute! Finish what you can and get it one the plate!
(small fire erupts behind Angela)
MADAGASCAR: MY COOKIES!
TED: And five (Madagascar throwing spring rolls onto a square dish) four (Bill frantically just pulling the tenderloin out of the oven) three (Angela drops one of her cutlets on the floor, swears) two (Bill delicately spooning something wet and pearly onto the plate) one, please step back. (Madagascar throws both hands in the air)
ANGELA: This is probably not my best work, but it’s so important that I make my parents proud, it has to be good enough.
MADAGASCAR: I’m looking at the other dishes and it’s pretty clear nobody knew what to do with a hubcap.
BILL: (says nothing, frowning with growing concern at the bloodied paper that held the vegan tenderloin)
TED: Chef Bill, please describe what you made.
BILL: Um…Well it’s monarch-wrapped tenderloin in the Wellington style, with a sandwich cookie sauce and served in a hubcap. I’ve never worked with imitation meat before, haha.
JUDGE AARON: Imitation?
JUDGE SCOTT: I like that you used the cookies as a chocolaty sauce, it sort of lends a mole flavor to things, or would if you had seasoned it differently. The butterflies add a lot of bitterness, though that might be the poison starting to wreck my body.
JUDGE ALEX: Mine’s a little undercooked? But I like the chocolate as well, inspired.
TED: Chef Madagascar.
MADAGASCAR: Before you I have a vegan tenderloin spring roll, with a pickled arugula and butterfly salad and a chocolate hubcap dipping sauce.
JUDGE AARON: There are so many flavors here.
JUDGE ALEX: The butterflies add a nice crunch, I like that you pickled them and really used their toxicity to your advantage, but I kind of think this isn’t enough to call an entree. It’s more of an appetizer.
TED: And finally, chef Angela.
ANGELA: I’ve made for you an oil-braised and grilled tenderloin, with a ginger hubcap cream sauce and a red wine chocolate cookie crumble.
JUDGE SCOTT: You’re the only one who used the inner muscle of the hubcap. This is the most perfectly cooked hubcap I’ve ever had, but (pokes at it with fork) I just don’t like the seasonings.
TED: Angela, what would winning mean to you?
ANGELA: My parents made it pretty clear they didn’t approve of my love of cooking when I came out to them as a chef when I was thirteen. Until that time we had been a strictly food-free household. I guess winning would prove to them that I’m doing what I truly love.
TED: Chefs, please give us a minute to deliberate. (chefs file out of the kitchen)
All I can think of is that creamy seafood center.
(In the sweat room)
BILL: Does anyone else think the vegan tenderloin wasn’t actually for vegans but made of vegan?
ANGELA: Cow is vegan.
BILL: Yeah but what happened to Gooseberry?
MADAGASCAR: I think it could go any way here. We all made pretty great-looking dishes.
MADAGASCAR: It’s going to be me. Bill’s freaking out and Angela’s a wuss.
BILL: I have to win this. Whatever I said before, now I have to just so I can go home and tell my wife I love her. I…don’t feel safe.
(the chefs reconvene in front of the judges)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(TED PULLS AWAY THE COVER TO REVEAL ANGELA’S DISH, MORE MUSIC)
TED: Chef Angela, you’ve been chopped. Be well.
BILL: Angela…I’m so sorry.
ANGELA: I know my parents are proud of me anyway. (leaves down the hall)
TED: Two chefs remaining! Who will take home the ten thousand dollar prize in the dessert round, and WHO (Bill sweating) WILL (Madagascar folds arms defiantly) BE (close up on exactly how much Bill is sweating) CHOPPED?
TED: Four chefs, one chance at a ten thousand dollar prize. They must create an unforgettable meal using the mystery ingredients provided, or they will be chopped. Let’s meet our contestants. First, Chef Angela.
ANGELA: I’m Angela, I’m sous chef at Le Snobbe in Omaha Nebraska. My specialty is Scottish with an Asian twist. I need to win this so my parents will take me seriously.
TED: Next we have Chef Madagascar.
MADAGASCAR: I run the Shaggoth Catering Company. My family came over from Kazantzan to build a better life here, but my brothers all died of the plague the second our house foreclosed. I need the ten thousand dollars to buy my mother a new kidney.
TED: Chef Bill.
BILL: I’m extremely loud and have a broad range of interests that will do nothing to help me in this competition. Watch me as I punch the camera with my tattooed knuckles that read FOOD.
TED: And finally, Chef Gooseberry.
GOOSEBERRY: I’m Gooseberry, I live in Los Angeles, and I love vegan food to the point where I won’t eat anything that ingests oxygen. I see so many people eating meat and it *starts crying* just makes me so sad, I have to win this to show them that there’s a better way.
Ted: Chefs, before you there is a basket of ingredients. You must use all of them, and your dishes will be critiqued by our panel of distinguished chefs on taste, presentation, and creativity. If you can’t, you will be chopped. Please open your baskets. You must construct an appetizer using shank of unicorn, human hair, ground glass, and puffed cheese snacks. You have twenty minutes.
ANGELA: I see the puffed cheese snacks and I immediately think, haggis. I run to the pantry and grab chickpeas and Sriracha, to give it a little kick.
GOOSEBERRY: Unicorn! Whyyyyyy is there meeeeeeat! (cries) Oh well, I’ll just have to suck it up and make it vegan as possible by pan-searing it and dousing it in chicken broth.
MADAGASCAR: I’m so stoked to see ground glass in the basket. My mom used to cook with this all the time. It has sort of a crunchy texture, so I’m gonna make pancakes.
(Shot of Bill looking alarmed and confused)
BILL: Guys…none of these are…food…uhh…
BILL: I just have this wad of human hair in my basket and I’m thinking, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? But I know unicorn has to be soaked to get the glitter off, otherwise it’ll be way too salty and start sprouting little flowers, so I get that soaking and hope the rest will come to me.
JUDGE ALEX: What a great basket! But I think it will be a real challenge for our chefs.
JUDGE SCOTT: There’s a lot you can do with puffed cheese snacks, but you’d have to be careful their saltiness doesn’t build on the natural saltiness of the unicorn shanks. I’m so curious to see what they plan to do with the human hair, which in this basket is a mix of Asian, African, and Caucasian strands.
ANGELA: Some of these hairs are Asian, so I use them to tie the ends of my haggis. I love showing off my specialty.
MADAGASCAR: Not many people would think to cook and eat a unicorn, but in Kazantzan, you take whatever comes your way. I take the glitter and I put it into a puree for a sauce with vinegar, making sure to chant the ancient evil incantation over it that will keep it from sprouting. But I’m running out of time, so I may have slurred some of the words together.
(Madagascar starts bleeding from the nose)
JUDGE ALEX: Ohhh, it looks like he’s reversed the S and the Q in “sesustngsnqsutintan.” That’s the kind of mistake that could cost him some time. You have to admire his ambition though.
BILL: I get the unicorn into the grill, but I haven’t even touched my hairball yet. I remember thinking of a prank my big brother played on me once, so I throw the ground glass into the blender with some ice, vodka, and limoncello.
TED: And there is one minute left remaining!
ANGELA: I haven’t even started plating yet, my haggis isn’t done swelling, but I’m thinking, just get it on the plate.
GOOSEBERRY: I have one minute. I’m gonna make a fresh green salad to represent my vegan lifestyle, and start making a vinaigrette.
MADAGASCAR: I look down at my dish, and I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done. Then I see that there’s nose blood on the plate. I need that ten thousand dollars.
BILL: I quickly added the hairball as a garnish.
It’s not gross, it’s gormet
GOOSEBERRY: ohhhh nooo I forgot the unicorn shanks, the glass, the hairball, and the Cheetos (TV EDIT, TOTALLY DIFFERENT VOICE) puffed cheese snacks. All I have is this red onion salad and white truffle dressing.
ANGELA: If I’d just had five more minutes, this would have been a killer cheese and hair haggis. *shrugs*
TED: Alright chefs, let’s see what you made. Chef Bill.
BILL: I’ve made for you today a cheese-snack encrusted grilled unicorn shank, with a lemon glass slushie.
JUDGE ALEX (sternly): I love this. You really handled the glitter beautifully, and the limoncello adds a lot of much-needed acidity to the salty flavors.
JUDGE SCOTT: I don’t like it. There’s hair on my plate and I hate you.
BILL: It…it was one of the ingredients…
TED: Chef Angela.
ANGELA: Before you today we have a cheese snack and ground unicorn haggis, tied with Asian hairs and garnished with a tarragon and glass crumble.
JUDGE ALEX (sternly): The combination is brilliant, the flavors really play off each other well. But mine is a little cold in the center, and you can see…I have sprouts.
ANGELA: It’s supposed to do that. I meant to do that.
TED: Chef Madagascar.
MADAGASCAR: Today I’ve made you a unicorn pancake with a glass crust, and a glitter dipping sauce.
JUDGE SCOTT: I’m not getting any of the human hair.
TED: Tell us why you need to win today.
MADAGASCAR: I need to get my mother a new kidney, as we had to sell her good one to pay for my father’s ransom. He’s okay now, but times have been hard with just one kidney to share between them.
JUDGE ALEX: There’s blood on my plate. I can’t eat this.
TED: Chef Gooseberry.
GOOSEBERRY: I’ve made a vegan-friendly dish, with the unicorn, cheese snacks, and the hair omitted. The glass did not make it onto the plate.
JUDGE SCOTT: This is just red onions and white truffle oil.
GOOSEBERRY: That is correct.
(TV EDIT, SCENE RECONVENES TEN MINUTES LATER)
GOOSEBERRY (with a black eye, sniffling): Thank you chef.
TED: Now whose dish has been put on the chopping block?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC AS WE LOOK AT EVERYONE’S SAD FACE)
TED (revealing Gooseberry’s dish): Chef Gooseberry, you’ve been chopped.
GOOSEBERRY: I was pretty disappointed to get chopped, but I stand by my work, and I’m proud nobody had to eat meat made by my hand. (leaves down the hallway)
TED: Next up, the entree round. WHO (flash to Madagascar) WILL (flash to Angela) BE (flash to Bill) CHOPPED???!!??
The following are some out of context quotes from my most recent work in progress. Enjoy, and I’m sorry.
“I’m giving you a hug, you ignorant bitch.”
Think of an avocado misplaced in the freezer aisle until it collapses.
“How much energy does it take to come back to life? A real number please, not measured in teaspoons. Seriously, don’t be stupid.”
After a few minutes in which nothing happened in the “I’ve been poisoned” department, he managed to settle down and accept the hospitality as it was.
“You charge your insects rent to live on castle grounds?” “We would, but they can’t usually afford it.”
Ferdie had once heard his room described as spartan, a word which could mean minimalistic and contained nothing he did not physically require, or it could mean a bloody-minded killer.
“Unless you’d like to bring your barber into the plot, that’s as good as it’s going to get.”
Rothbard had called her unlovable. He’d said it with relief.
Nobody talked about the incident with the donkey skin.
Aunt Elise, at least, managed to convince them that the dress was expected to be neither a threat to bystanders nor parasitic to the wearer. It seemed they had lacked that particular knowledge.
Chapter Four: Many preparations are made, and everyone is certain that their plan will definitely work.
“’You’d be lucky to comprehend her, as kitchen mold would be lucky to comprehend the stars.’ Kitchen mold? Really?”
He gritted his teeth and made a mental note to find out who kept supplying Siggy with writing materials, and have him dismissed.
There were something that nobody was allowed to do, and undermining four months of his own surreptitious political manipulations was one of them.
He might have had a chance going up against crazy. Versus poetry, however, he could feel that he’d already lost.
The man always seemed to slide wherever he went. Perhaps it was the knees, Ferdie thought […] Shock absorption, that’s where it all is. Got great long legs like that, the knees are probably terrific at regulating the whole thing.
*
While Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind is often considered a Studio Ghibli film, it was produced and released before the studio’s official founding. (x)