READ ME: A Guide and FAQ to the Asexual Q&A Wonderland

[SkyWorld]

Welcome to the Asexual Q&A forum!

We know that you’re just about to burst with all the questions you may have! But before you do, here is a list of threads that can help get you started, as well as the forum’s FAQ. AVEN’s General FAQ could also help you out.

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About the forum:

• Q&A Guidelines - how this forum works
  
• What is “asexual elitism” and why does AVEN discourage it?
  
• Helpful info for those questioning their (a)sexuality
  

Important Q&A threads:

• What is ‘Sexual attraction’?
  
• Anyone else here actually don’t mind sex?
  
• less sex positive than i thought. is that okay?
  

Other important threads and FAQ:

• A/Sexuality & Sexual Orientation Lexicon [READ ME]
  
• Romantic and Aromantic Lexicon and FAQ
  
• Gender Definitions Master List Draft
  

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Forum’s FAQ:

Personal Identification

• Am I asexual/grey-a/demi?
  
• Am I too young to identify as asexual?
  
• Can I be asexual and be romantic, have a crush, or be in a relationship?
  
• Can I be asexual and find people attractive?
  
• Can I be asexual and still a virgin?
  
• Can I be asexual and masturbate, watch porn, have/enjoy sex, have children, and/or have a libido?
  
• Can I be asexual lack a libido?
  
• I thought I was _____ and now I think I’m asexual (or vice versa), what happened?
  

Community

• I'm not sure if I'm asexual/I'm not asexual, am I still welcome here?
  
• Should I come out? How do I come out?
  
• What’s with the cake?
  
• What's with the black rings?
  
• What are the other symbols of asexuality?
  

External

• Can asexuality be caused by trauma?
  
• Can asexuality be caused by abnormal hormone levels?
  
• Can asexuality be caused by some kind of mental illness/disorder? Is asexuality a mental illness/disorder?
  
• Can asexuality be cured?
  
• Can I become asexual?
  
• What are the different kinds of asexuality?
  

Other

• What are the different kinds of attraction?
  
• What are the different kinds of romantic orientations?
  

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Over time, the community changes as well as the forum. So be sure to stay tuned for monthly updates! There may be more questions added to the FAQ (if you think a question should be added, PM me or post it here) and threads where the latest response is older than 18 months will be locked to prevent necromancy, but you are more than welcome to read and reference them. If you have any questions or problems regarding the guide or FAQ, please feel free to contact an admod through PM or send us an email at admods@asexuality.org

Special thanks to bipolar bear, scarletlatitude, ThatNerdOverThere, Skycaptain, ithaca, and Aqua-ace.

Edited April 18, 2016 by SkyWorld
Update

[SkyWorld]

Personal Identification

Am I asexual/grey-a/demi?

By AVEN’s definition of asexuality, an asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Others may define asexuality as lack of desire for partnered sex. We cannot tell you what you are, you and you alone can decide how to define your sexuality. If you feel that “asexual” best describes you, then you are more than welcome to identify as asexual. AVEN’s General FAQ, Am I Still Asexual If…?, and this thread may also be of help.

Grey-asexual (or grey-a) has several definitions:

• rarely experiences sexual attraction

• experience sexual attraction, but with a low sex drive

• experience sexual attraction and drive, but do not strongly want to act on them

• experience sexual attraction under specific circumstances

Asexuality and sexuality are not necessarily black and white. If you feel that “grey-a” best describes you, then you are more than welcome to identify as grey-a. Click here to learn more about grey-a. If you have any further questions regarding the grey area, check out The Grey Area forum.

Demisexual (or demi) is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless a strong emotional bond has been formed. Demisexuality is part of the grey area. Click here to learn more about demisexuality. If you have any further questions regarding demisexuality or the rest of the grey area, check out The Grey Area forum.

Again, only you can choose what to identify yourself as. Also, it is important to remember that sexuality can be fluid. One’s sexuality may or may not change over time, but that does not invalidate what they identify with now.

Am I too young to identify as asexual?

Most people figure out their sexuality during puberty, though it’s completely fine to still be questioning. What matters is right here and right now; nobody truly knows what the future will bring. Sexuality can also be fluid, so one’s sexual orientation may or may not change in the future. It’s okay to identify as asexual now, and if you happen to still identify as asexual when you are older, great! If you don’t, that’s completely fine too.

Can I be asexual and be romantic, have a crush, or be in a relationship?

Absolutely! Some asexuals have crushes and some don't. Not all asexual people are aromantic (lack of romantic attraction) and there are actually a lot of romantic asexuals. There’s a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction and one’s romantic orientation doesn’t necessarily have to match up with their sexual orientation.

To know more about sexual attraction, click here. This thread may also be of help. To know more about romantic attraction, click here. If you have any further questions regarding romanticism, check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. For relationship advice, check out the Asexual Relationships forum.

Can I be asexual and find people attractive?

There are several different types of attraction, though by AVEN’s definition, you are not asexual if you experience sexual attraction. There’s also romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, and sensual attraction; all are completely different from each other that may or may not go hand-in-hand for an individual. Experiencing romantic/aesthetic/sensual attraction does not invalidate one’s asexuality.

• Sexual attraction: an emotional response that sexual people often feel that results in a desire for sexual contact with the person that the attraction is felt towards. Click here to learn more about sexual attraction. This thread may also be of help.
• Romantic attraction: an emotional response that most people often feel that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with the person that the attraction is felt towards. Click here to learn more about romantic attraction. This thread may also be of help.
• Aesthetic attraction: the appreciation of someone’s appearance, it is not connected to desire anyone sexually or romantically. Click here to learn more about aesthetic attraction.
• Sensual attraction: an emotional or physical desire to engage in sensual acts with the person that the attraction is felt towards. Click here to learn more about sensual attraction. This thread may also be of help.

For aesthetic attraction, many people use a painting analogy. You like the way a person looks just as you would enjoy what a painting looks, but you don't want to have sex with a painting. You don't want to go on a date and be romantic with a painting. You just simply appreciate it's appearance. The same can be applied to people when it comes to aesthetic attraction.

If you have any further questions regarding the different types of attraction, check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum.

Can I be asexual and still a virgin?

Yes. You don’t have to have sex to know that you are asexual, just like a homosexual or heterosexual, etc., doesn’t have to have sex to know that they are homosexual or heterosexual, etc. Also, attraction is not behavior. One doesn’t have to have sex to experience that sexual attraction or desire partnered sex. Lack of sexual experience does not invalidate one’s a/sexuality.

Can I be asexual and masturbate, watch porn, have/enjoy sex, have children, experience arousal and/or have a libido?

Yes. Attraction is not behavior. Some asexuals masturbate and some don’t. Some watch porn, some don’t. Some have/enjoy sex, have children, have a libido, and some don’t. For some people with a libido, it’s simply their own body functioning. Some people experience an arousal and some don't; though if you experience a sudden decline in arousal, it may be linked to side effects of certain medications or illness. It is advisable to discuss sudden changes with your doctor.

One can have and enjoy sex without feeling sexual attraction for someone (or desire for partnered sex) and have sex for countless reasons: pleasing their partner(s), wanting biological children, etc. Some asexuals may or may not have sex to have children, there’s also adoption. Either way, none of these activities or wants invalidate your asexuality.

*It’s still debated about if someone enjoys having sex would still be considered asexual or not. Either way, just go with what you feel comfortable with describing yourself as.

If you have any further questions regarding masturbation, sex, porn, fetish, kinks, etc., check out The Sex Talk sub-forum.

Can I be asexual and lack a libido?

Yes, some asexuals have a libido and some don't; having or not having a libido does not necessarily equate to sexual attraction as they are two different things. People without a libido may identify themselves as "nonlibidoist".

If you experience a sudden decline in sexual interest or attraction, it may be linked to side effects of certain medications or illness. It is advisable to discuss sudden changes with your doctor.

For more information about nonlibidoism, click here. This thread may also be of help.

I thought I was _____ and now I think I’m asexual (or vice versa), what happened?

Sexuality can be fluid, so one’s sexual orientation may or may not change in the future. If you find that you have little or no sexual attraction to other people now, then you can choose to identify as asexual.

Many asexual people were more sexually active during puberty or another period of their lives. However, at this moment they do not experience sexual attraction to others and identify as asexual.

If you experience a sudden decline in sexual interest or attraction, it may be linked to side effects of certain medications or illness. It is advisable to discuss sudden changes with your doctor.

If you had identified as asexual and now you think you’re _____, just know that there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes that happens and know that you are never alone. Whether you identify as asexual or not, you are always welcome in the ace community!

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[SkyWorld]

Community

I'm not sure if I'm asexual/I'm not asexual, am I still welcome here?

Of course you are welcome here! There is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning and questioning people actually make up a large part of AVEN. If you happen to find that you are not asexual after your time on AVEN, you are still welcome here as much as any other member.

AVEN is not just for asexuals, it's to spread awareness and educate about asexuality and it is welcoming to everyone, including you. We actually have a few active allies, partners, and family members here and they are much appreciated and still considered part of the community. If you have some questions or need of support, check out the For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies forum. Remember that you are more than welcome to post about the board as well.

Should I come out? How do I come out?

You don’t necessarily have to tell anyone, but if you want to, there’s no shame in that. Just do whatever you think is best for you.

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to come out. You can ask for advice about coming out to a specific person in Asexual Relationships. For advice about coming out in general, you can ask in Asexual Q&A.

What’s with the cake?

We often greet new members with cake and it is an old joke that “cake is better than sex”. You can also click here to read more about the history and a fun story about cake.

What’s with the black rings?

Black rings are worn on the right middle finger. It is a way to subtly show ace pride. You can also click here to read more about the history of black rings.

What are the other symbols of asexuality?

There are many symbols of asexuality and it’s more of an individual thing. Anyone is welcome to express their pride in whatever creative way they wish. Here are symbols frequently used (not necessarily “official”) within the overall asexuality community:

• Asexual flag
• AVEN triangle
• Black ring

For more information and history about the symbols, click the hyperlinks provided above. There are also other common symbols of asexuality, click here to learn more.

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[SkyWorld]

External

Can asexuality be caused by trauma?

It should be noted that there is quite a bit of debate within the asexuality community about the connection between trauma and asexuality. Just like any other orientation, the experiences of individuals can vary. People identifying as asexual may or may not have experienced trauma and/or abuse. Experiencing a traumatic/abusive event can lead individuals to question safety, privacy and relationships where intimacy is concerned. While we, as a community, are not qualified to "diagnose" issues stemming from said trauma, support and understanding are encouraged.

That being said, asexuals can have the same need for love and intimacy that those identifying as sexual do - with respect to romantic/platonic relationships; for more information, check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. If you find that you have a difficult time being intimate with others, and are unhappy as a result, it may be a good idea to seek some sort of counseling to help understand and address the situation as you feel comfortable or feel is required. Alternatively, if you feel repulsion/aversion to physical and/or sexual contact, but the direct experience does not distress you or make you unhappy, it could be less a case for counseling and more about finding friends/partners who can understand and respect how you feel.

The important thing is to find a way to connect with people that works for you. That may involve further discussion or reflection within the subject of sexuality, or it may not - as it is highly dependent on personal experience and circumstances.

Can asexuality be caused by abnormal hormone levels?

Asexuality is not a dysfunction, and there is no need to find a “cause” or a “cure”. Some asexuals have gotten their hormones checked and came back with normal results… and still cease to feel sexual attraction. Just like another other person of any sexual orientation, may or may not have normal hormone levels.

A very important thing to know is that correlation does not equal causation.

Can asexuality be caused by some kind of mental illness/disorder? Is asexuality a mental illness/disorder?

Asexuality is not a dysfunction, and there is no need to find a “cause” or a “cure”. A mental illness/disorder is when that disorder alone causes distress upon a person. There are some asexual people who are happy of who they are and aren’t interested in finding a “cure” and they function just as well as any other person.

A very important thing to know is that correlation does not equal causation. Studies have shown that some people with autism/asperger's are asexual, but there are some asexual people who are not also diagnosed with autism/asperger’s as well as some people with autism/asperger’s who may be sexual.

Can asexuality be cured?

Asexuality is not a dysfunction, and there is no need to find a “cause” or a “cure”. Just as there is no cure for any other sexuality, there is no cure for asexuality. Though, sexuality can be fluid, it’s not something that one can control and it doesn’t necessarily happen to everyone.

If you are unhappy as asexual, the best solution is to learn to be comfortable with who you are. One can’t choose your change their sexuality, but you can accept it.

This is not said to dismiss difficulties or feelings of distress that you may experience, as circumstances vary. A/Sexual identification is an internal and personal experience - highly dependent on the individual. Ultimately, how you manage the label and experience of identifying as asexual is up to you. Personal health, well-being and welfare are of utmost importance.

Can I become asexual?

Asexuality is an orientation and like other sexual orientations like heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, etc. isn't a choice; they can't help what they are. Asexuality is different from celibacy. Being asexual isn't a choice while being celibate is a choice.

What are the different kinds of asexuality?

Asexuality is a spectrum; you have asexuals and those in the grey area (this includes demisexuals). There are also different kinds of labels within the grey area, such as lithsexual, cupiosexual, etc. Here is a list of other labels and sub-labels, though remember that there are also other labels out there that may or may not be included. It’s not to invalidate anyone’s sexual orientation, but as a helpful list.

There are also asexuals who are sex-positive, sex-negative, sex-neutral/indifferent, sex-averse, sex-repulsed, and sex-favorable. For more information, click here, as it includes the definitions.

Asexuals may or may not have a different romantic orientation. For a more detailed and thorough answer about romantic orientations, please see the spoiler in the question below "What are the different kinds of romantic orientations?".

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[SkyWorld]

Other

What are the different kinds of attraction?

There are several different types of attraction: sexual, romantic, sensual, and aesthetic.

• Sexual attraction: an emotional response that sexual people often feel that results in a desire for sexual contact with the person that the attraction is felt towards. Click here to learn more about sexual attraction. This thread may also be of help.

• Romantic attraction: an emotional response that most people often feel that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with the person that the attraction is felt towards. Click here to learn more about romantic attraction. This thread may also be of help.

• Aesthetic attraction: the appreciation of someone’s appearance, it is not connected to desire anyone sexually or romantically. Click here to learn more about aesthetic attraction.

• Sensual attraction: an emotional or physical desire to engage in sensual acts with the person that the attraction is felt towards. Click here to learn more about sensual attraction. This thread may also be of help.

If you have any further questions regarding the different types of attraction, check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. The picture below is also helpful and often used.

What are the different kinds of romantic orientations?

There are many different kinds of romantic orientations; for every a/sexuality there is a romantic side to it, the same prefix is used followed by -romantic. For example: asexual/aromantic, heterosexual/heteroromantic, homosexual/homoromantic, bisexual/biromantic, etc. Though, there’s a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction and one’s romantic orientation doesn’t necessarily have to match up with their sexual orientation. Even though it’s more common in the asexual community, there can also be sexuals with a different romantic orientation, such as homoromantic bisexual, aromantic heterosexual, etc. The combinations are endless and varies upon the individual.

If you have any further questions regarding romantic orientations, check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. This thread may also be of help, as well as this page.

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