It's hard to even write that word. To admit it has something to do with me. But here we go. I am a paedophile.

Obviously it's such a taboo subject. But I do believe people need to know more about it. Hence my confession. Make of it what you wish. Just a honest laydown of what I feel, what I do, and what I think about it all.

I may not be "typical" but I exist. I bet there are others like me.

Now, to get this out of the way: I have never committed any illegal acts. Never was close to it, and pretty sure will never come close to it. Sorry if this was what you expected to see here.

Not just with a real child: I have never downloaded any child porn, for obvious reasons. I don't want to harm any children. I really don't. And what's equally relevant, there's such thing as lolicon hentai, Japanese drawn porn, which I do peruse. (It's legal where I live, for what I know.) Thank gods for there being a Japan in this world.

(I realize this doesn't completely exonerate me. It's quite conceivable that some of the more realistic works in this genre are traceable, directly or indirectly, to some real child models, who were at least somewhat harmed in the process. But oh well. I just hope it's not the case for whatever I'm watching/reading.)

Now, to explain a bit, I never think of those beings that I'm sexually attracted to as "children". For me they're girls - girls who I imagine as mates, lovers, wives. It just so happens that my imaginary girls have prepubescent or early-pubescent bodies. And it's not really something I can control, it's way too deep inside me. It's not a matter of choice. "Adult" sexiness - like big boobs, high heels, heavy makeup - just puts me off big way. "Different species don't cross-breed", I say to myself.

That doesn't mean I find all adult women equally unattractive. The curious thing is that I'm married, and I honestly think I drew a lucky card with my marriage. My wife is not just a nice and intelligent person: she's perhaps as compatible with my tastes as an adult woman can be. Partly by her natural disposition, partly by my gentle nudging over the years, she avoids most of the overly adult things (in clothing, makeup, mannerisms) that I hate.

She's such a girl! (We're both in our late 30s.) I really love her.

And yes, I do imagine her as a little girl when we're in bed. I got quite good at it, over the years. I don't know, and I'm not going to ask, how much she realizes about my sexuality, but she's willing to play along with some of my fantasies. She says she even likes them. (Just as an example, she now always wears white socks for me in bed, which is a huge fetish for me.)

But she certainly has no idea what I masturbate to. And I'm not going to tell her. Ever.

I must say that there's a thing that puts me off much worse than adultness: violence. In that I am probably quite atypical, if I can judge others by what kinds of plots and subjects are depicted in hentai. Half if not more of lolicon is about rape or at least some coercion, which I really can't wrap my head around at all. I mean, these are not real girls, you can draw them any way you want, why on earth make them suffer and cringe? Does it turn you on?

Yes it does. It took me a ridiculous amount of time, probably well into my 30s, to fully realize this simple fact: that many, perhaps even a majority, do derive sexual pleasure from some sort of violence, that for them these things are deeply connected. For me, they are absolutely not. Not just disconnected: violence strongly inhibits sexuality. My brain is just wired differently. I wonder how many others are out there with this "deviation".

How do I read hentai, you may ask, when it's so full of violence? Well. I don't really read it - it helps that I don't know Japanese and certainly have no intentions to learn the language. (I really hate Japan sometimes, to be honest, even though I can't live without it now.) And I just learned to reimagine the graphics I view in some benign way so that I can get myself off on it. I do my own self-narration on top of the pictures. And I learned to quickly detect what's impossible to reimagine - I just skip such pieces and try to forget them.

That was quite an art to acquire, to be honest. Well after I became fully aware of my sexual preferences (which also happened quite late, years after marriage), and even when I was very much into hentai, I still didn't want to go into outright lolicon. Felt too guilty.

So here I am, a twisted man who loves his wife but wants her to be a child, and who reads horrendous adult comics but likes to think it's OK because he invents his own lovey-dovey plots with the drawn children.

To add one more twist, we have our own children, two of the three are girls. I can't say I was ever sexually attracted to them in any real way - they are good girls and they love me, but they just look too much like me. (Another thing I don't understand in hentai is its infatuation with incest.) In fact, with the older one I was probably too prudish, too afraid of any physical contact, which may have hurt her. With the younger one, I'm trying to be more relaxed, and don't run away when she wants to hug or climb on me or kiss me on the cheek. Hey, I'm OK, right? I'm not going to hurt her.

Aaand yet that's what I'm always thinking about. Am I really OK? I'm no criminal now, but would I have done real evil if I had full leeway with my desires? What if I were born a king in a time/place where it was OK to have child concubines? Again, I like to imagine how I would be such a benevolent ruler who would never coerce anyone, how girls would come to me on their own accord, how I would treat them royally and entertain them and educate them, and how they would love me... but it's still kinda icky.

No?