I understand the early judgements made by society, distancing myself makes it seem like I am trying to escape a crime. I'm not. I'm only trying to give myself some space and fully take in what happened before I turn myself in.  The fact is no one is more destroyed than I am. She was more than a girlfriend, a soon to be fiance, she was my everything. What happened that night was nothing but tragic.

Looking back. We've been in a relationship for a year and three months. This was the first serious long term relationship for the both of us so everything we did was a new experience.  We traveled the world, our families met, had fights and made up, talked seriously about marriage and kids, the whole deal. I would never physically hurt her in anyway. She would occasionally hit or slap me when I said something stupid but I'd laugh it off.

She met all my friends and family, wherever I went she was there. She would come to my house from kitchener every week (about an hour). Starting Fridays and would stay for 3-4 days. We were incredibly used to each other. The last month of our relationship I started asking her to give me some space so I can work on my job. She started coming less and less like I asked.

During March her friend Anna got pregnant. Melinda and Anna then moved in together because Anna has a big family and wanted privacy in case she keeps the baby. I never met any of Melinda's friends at this stage. 1.2 years in. She told me all her friends only use her, that part was incredibly clear to me. They would only contact her if they needed their hair done or had bf problems. Including Anna.

1.3 months in (April) Melinda and I got into an argument via text and our relationship ended. I  went to her apartment that day, to try and talk. Everytime I tried breaking up with her she would call my mom or drive down to my house so this time I figured I'd do the same. Upon arrival I was confronted by Anna's brother and her boyfriend.  A physical altercation toke place and the police were involved. At this stage I knew if we were to patch things up it would be rough. We didn't see each other for a few weeks.

Later on in April Melinda and I started texting each other again. We agreed to see each other and talk. (April 29). She was originally supposed to drive down to my house but felt sick so I told her I would come and she agreed.

Melinda told me Anna and her boyfriend were present. (Incident from before might make things awkward) I didn't mind. Upon arrival it was just melinda. She said Anna went to drop Kristina off at a club (Melinda's sister).  She invited me to her room right away. We cuddled and talked, we never spend so much time away from each other. We just cuddled, kissed and talked about everything.  A while later Anna came back with another friend. She asked melinda if everything was okay and Melinda said yes. (Anna will attest to this if she is honest) We continued to talk and finally decided it was worth it to try one more time. However melinda didn't want anyone to know. Especially her family. She said after the police were involved and a physical altercation with Anna's brother and bf things wouldn't be right if they knew right away. I agreed we would keep it on the down low until things cooled down.  We continued to talk. Anna and her other friend left the house to grab food.

We both let everything out and our relationship was back on track. As I'm getting ready to leave she asks me if I had done anything with any other girls while we were on break or anytime we were on break. I told her we needed to be honest and said yes and told her about it.

She started freaking out. Wouldn't say a word and just kept slapping me with tears in her eyes. Slaps turned into hits. I told her I was sorry but if she didn't stop I'd do something back. She didn't stop. I then stupidly pushed her, harder than I expected. She fell against the sink.

This was the first time I ever did something phyically violent towards her. I told her I was sorry. She said "leave". "Leave now!". I began saying sorry even more and asked if I could get a hug. She was still crying. I go up to her to try and give her a hug, almost out no where she grabs a knife by the sink. Initially I thought was just going to hold it to try and tell me to leave. She doesn't. She comes at me in full force, aiming towards my face. I tell her to stop. She doesn't, I tried grabbing the knife but ended up cutting my hands. After a few cuts I lost it. I freaked out, I was scared and in a state of shock. Never in a hundred years did I think she would use a knife against me. Out of shock and fear I grab one. I hit her with it, almost blindly. A few times.  I didn't know what happened. I was confused, shocked and scared. I had no intentions of that happening. When I left I honestly thought she just passed out. Then I looked at the blood, and started freaking out and just ran. I didn't  for sure she had died until the next day. I honestly had no intentions of ever doing that to her , I was protecting myself.

She was with me the most, we were each other's best friends, she would tell me everything. Her deepest secrets that not even her friends or family knows. The amount of regret and sadness is beyond words. Everyone else is just reading or talking about it. I lived it, I was there. I did it. Every waking second I relive that moment. At this stage life is really not worth it for me.  Although it was out of shock and protection I should of just accepted getting hit. Maybe I would of lived, maybe not. Anything is better than living with this.

I'm reading the news and they are claiming it was "targeted". Or an act of terrorism? Why would I buy her roses that night if I was planning on killing her? I didn't even go home that night. I always have a passport in the car and decided to just get away for a few days before turning myself in or killing myself. If any of it was planned I would have taken my stuff,  I would of toke cash. I'm in the United States with $200, no clean clothes, nothing. I didn't intend on any of it. It was out of fear and protecting myself alongside shock. I'm sorry, to everyone. Especially Melinda's family. I know it will not will be accepted but know I didn't mean anything bad to happened that night when I went there.  Rest in peace my beautiful.  I hope you forgive me in the after life.

Pictures of our last text convo (http://m.imgur.com/a/Cyiyr)

Pictures of us as couple. Some people think I was a complete stranger and just killed her.. (http://imgur.com/a/ziLI1)