38
39

Book recommendation on toxic/abusive behavior by men (how to identify and avoid them)? (self.MensLib)

faraox が 投稿

Hi,

First of all I really appreciate that a subreddit like this exists were we can have a open and well rounded discussion on masculinity and men issues.

I want to read more about how toxic and or abusive behavior we men can commit against other person (specially woman, specially partners). I've been reading quite a lot and thinking about my personal behavior, and I've discovered a lot of red flags (jealousy, control, even trying to guilt people into sex) and I feel really ashamed about them, and I want to change and also learn in more ways that I'm probably being violent against other people in that way. If you have any recommendation on reading or any other media I would be really thankful.

Thanks a lot (sorry for my English).

全 15 件のコメント
並べ替え:
ベスト (提案されたアイデア)
トップ新着論争中古い順Q&A

[–]0vinq0 25 ポイント26 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Hi OP, welcome. You're absolutely doing the right thing for seeking to change abusive habits. I don't have any book suggestions, but I did just find these websites with educational resources, hotlines, and chat services:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline - Help for Abusive Partners

Loveisrespect - Can I Stop Beign Abusive?

Center for Domestic Peace - Resources for Abusive Partners

And since we're on the subject of identifying abuse, always keep an eye out for abusive behaviors coming from your partners. It can be more difficult to identify than we typically realize.

Here is a pretty comprehensive guide on identifying if you are being abused, which includes resources for men and women.

[–]bbbbbbbbbbbbdaaa 14 ポイント15 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a great resource on this and really opened my eyes to a lot of my own issues

[–]raziphel 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

you can google search things like "emotional manipulation tactics" to look for things not to do, which is important.

however, make sure to look for sources on how to communicate effectively and clearly also- removing the negative behaviors isn't enough if you don't replace them with positive behaviors.

make sure to be patient with yourself- this will take a while.

don't feel ashamed. use that feeling to fuel your resolve and compassion, for yourself and for others. When you catch yourself with bad thoughts, gently but firmly redirect yourself onto more positive approaches. this does take practice though, but keep at it.

if you do end up saying something hurtful to someone, the best thing to do is to apologize immediately. something like "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. can I rephrase it?"

[–]absentbird 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (0子コメント)

The Will to Change by bell hooks is one of my favorites.

[–][削除されました]  (1子コメント)

[removed]

    [–]0vinq0[M] 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (0子コメント)

    This comment has been removed for breaking a number of our rules, such as incivility, invalidating another user's experience, and non-constructive antifeminism. Also, we do not allow the promotion of manipulation in relationships. Relationships do not require jealous or controlling behavior. If you believe they do, you may be interested in reading some of the resources linked in this thread.

    [–]moe_overdose 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (3子コメント)

    Toxic and abusive behaviors aren't gender-specific, so I think there's no reason to look for something specifically about men.

    [–]ThatPersonGu 17 ポイント18 ポイント  (2子コメント)

    That's not really true. When we're specifically talking about toxic and abusive behaviors, while both genders can commit them, and most/all share the same roots, the way toxic/abusive behavior manifests is often through the lenses of societal expectations.

    [–]moe_overdose 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

    I guess this can be true, but what I was concerned about is that when looking for information regarding "abusive behavior by men" it's really easy to accidentally find something sexist that isn't going to be helpful. It's easy to find sources which believe that domestic violence (which they call "violence against women") is a form of patriarchal oppression of men against women, not something that can happen regardless of gender. So it's very important to make sure that the source treats men and women equally.

    [–]bear323 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

    I don't really know much about this stuff so this may be a eli5 question but what would be some examples? What toxic behaviors are more common in each gender?

    [–]iarighter 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (1子コメント)

    Guyland, by Michael Kimmel, is a pretty good book about toxic masculinity in general, and I think it could be a helpful read. Kimmel's an academic with years in the field of masculinity studies, but he writes his book for regular people. I think you'd enjoy it!

    [–]moe_overdose 7 ポイント8 ポイント  (0子コメント)

    I don't think it's a good source. Michael Kimmel is a spokesman of a really sexist organization called NOMAS, which believes, for example, that male victims of abuse should get no support. I think treating anyone connected with that organization as an expert on gender issues, and specifically abusive behavior, is a bad idea.