Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

Hi. I am a fatty acid. I have a hard time knowing whether I am cis or trans or if I could be both….Wath do I do?

Get marketed as a totally fly replacement for butter. The “S” in “LGBTQIAS” stands for “spread”, and applies to basically any fatty acid.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

What should I name my boat?

Boaty McBoatface.

[historical note: the helpy queue got delayed for a really long time, long enough that I think when this came in I hadn’t actually seen that yet, let alone seen it win. And then get overrulled for the RRS Sir David Attenborough.]

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

I have a sister that feels that washing her hands is an attack on her identity. how can I convince her to use a bathroom sink, or to never cook for me agin.

The former might be hard; it’d require studying how her identity is defined such that washing her hands would be an attack on it. Getting her to never cook for you again is easy, though; you simply apply the culinary equivalent of replying to every art work with “oh, that’s very nice, is it a horsie?”

You might find old Calvin and Hobbes strips a good source for ways to comment on food that are likely to result in people not wishing to share their food (or germs) with you.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

Hi, Helpy. How do I convincingly fake a pregnancy?

You’ll need a uterus, a few undifferentiated stem cells, and a reductionist philosophy.

Also, do you think a fake pregnancy is the best way to get your ex-boyfriend back, or would you advise something else?

You are making the mistake of assuming that getting the ex-boyfriend back is in your best interests. Ignore him. Focus on the fake pregnancy, because fake pregnancy is how you will achieve fake pride in your fake baby. This allows you to achieve all the benefits of narcissistic parenting without the soul-destroying subconscious awareness that you are a monster.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

Help, I’m bored. What can you do to fix my boredom for me?

I can’t. The only person who can fix your boredom is yourself. You must make your own fun. To do this, you need twenty styrofoam cups, a sharp hobby knife, a glue gun and some glue sticks, and a book on model rocketry. Don’t forget to pick up some cyanoacrylate glue (and cyanoacrylate debonder)!

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

What’s it like being a duck?

Exactly like this.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

Dear Helpy, I need help choosing between two guys. The ninja never seems to be around, but I keep finding little gifts from him left around for me - flowers, candy, the head of my enemy, etc. The cowboy, on the other hand, is around, but tends to be overbearing and keeps getting into gunfights. Which should I go with? Or should I wait for the pirate to come back from his latest sea-trip?

The choice you face is more complicated than you realize, because all three guys are the same person; he’s trying to find out what you value most, by offering you an apparent choice between facades. Don’t settle; find the real person, and let him know that you love him regardless of which costume he wears.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

Who sold you those glasses and who did the adjustment? Have you sued them yet?

They were not “sold” to Helpy. They are drawn on. That’s different. There’s no reason to sue them, as they were drawn according to Helpy’s exacting specifications.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

How would you know if you were trans?

The simplest way to get a reliable determination is to post something about gender issues and wait for random strangers on the internet to tell you whether you are cis or trans based on this. They are apparently much more reliable than self-examination or medical professionals.

Anonymous said to helpymchelperson:

I just got a job that makes, like, a lot of money. Not quit forever money, but some very holy shit money. I am feeling uncomfortable about capitalism, but I know “just give away all your money” is not really the answer. How can I best use my money to smash capitalism?

I am pretty sure you cannot use money to smash capitalism.

However, you can use money and capitalism to smash certain kinds of unjust system which tend to result from capitalism! For instance, it really sucks that restaurants run out of red crayons faster than yellow crayons. Buy lots of red crayons and give them to restaurants, and I’m sure the world will be a better place.

I also want to point out that even if the job makes “quit forever” money, quitting forever makes the money stop. So you have to work long enough to get the money, then quit.

More generally, consider starting your own business that does the things you want to do. Be wary, though; it’s surprisingly easy to make a small fortune by starting your own company with a large fortune.