I could use some input on how to deal with being in a state of constant deprivation. I remember a video of Spetsnaz where he talked about this subject but I can't remember which one it was specifically.
What I really am after is emotional support to be honest.
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I have found ways of conquering myself and my instincts. Taking the risk of sounding like I'm blowing my own horn, I have found ways to manage the animal instincts in me (delay gratification, discipline to reach goals, etc.) but the thing that keeps hurting me on a daily basis is that there's not one soul that actively seeks out to willingly be giving me what I need as a human being.
It all sounds very attention-seeking and I can't but feel guilt when asking for someone who is genuinely interested in helping to get me what I need on a spiritual, physical and emotional level.
There's a constant battle with everything that isn't 'me'. I have to do my darnest best to gain anything at all from a relationship with others. I am open to and willing to put myself aside to give other people what they need but others often don't seem to be willing to extend that courtesy back to me.
Now, there are people going to say that I shouldn't put myself aside for others, I am not arguing with that.
The thing I want some support for is how to deal with that gut-wrenching feel of not having someone that is there to support me and wants to do so without an agenda.
What I lack in my life is some tenderness; someone that is there to tell me everything is going to be okay and where I can feel safe.
It sounds really immature but the thing I really need the most is this nurturing mother-figure and knowing that AWALT makes me feel hurt even more because there's no one that can give me what I need. Not even my own mother.
Like I said, everything is a battle and being successful in those battles means just pure day-to-day physical and emotional survival which results in a 'normal' day.