Why Won't He Commit?

The old manta dictates that while “women control sex, men control relationship”. Furthermore, women can fake orgasms while men can fake entire relationships. This truth validates the interdependent nature of heterosexual bonding, where power is transactional and dynamic. As with most areas of human sexuality, the basis is rooted in evolutional biology. Women have a greater opportunity cost for sex, facing years of single motherhood. Before the welfare state, single motherhood was dangerous and often lead to poverty and death. Men are programmed to maximize reproduction; this is only tempered by culture which emphasises the value of monogamy among men.

Females are most powerful in their younger years where they constitute the gatekeepers of sex. While young men are socialized—and biologically programmed—to chase tail, young women are told that chastity is a virtue. During these years (16-27) female sexuality is valued higher than her male counterparts. However, this dynamic changes after the male becomes self realized and develops resources and status.

Back to my initial question, “why isn’t he willing to commit?” There are two possible explanations. The first is that he is enjoying his freedom. Marriage is a compromise, and a married man can no longer act and spend as he pleases. He must now be accountable to someone else. While a male is subject to accountability in his younger years, he is also financially dependant on his parents. An independent male is less likely to accept these terms, especially if he is of higher status. Secondly, he may see you as a stepping stone. He may enjoy your company—and the resulting sexual benefits—but he has no intentions of staying with you. He is either waiting for a better opportunity or positioning himself (increasing wealth, status, exercise) to have access to perceived higher value females. This is known as hypergamy and is employed by members of both sexes.

There are two types of males; the chasers and the chased. The chasers have low self-esteem and are lucky to get what they can. The chased are higher status. The biggest difference is that the first category seeks female validation while the second seeks it internally. The Alpha male understands his value and is not scared to be single. This makes him attractive even if he is likely to play the field. Most women see insecurity as a character weakness. He is unlikely to take risks, preferring security over greatness. While he may fail—and often does—he has a propensity for lifting himself up and learning from his mistakes.

Human nature dictates that we want what we cannot have. Therefore, many women like celebrities, even if they have drug or other personal issues. In fact, many females enjoy living vicariously through their favourite stars. It provides an element of excitement absent from their mundane lives. While they are folding socks, Angelina Jolie is strutting down the red carpet at the Cannes festival. This is not meant to be disparaging. Instead it offers insight into human nature.

While some Alpha Males are in the public eye, many prefer a more secretive life. It allows them the ability to travel without harassment, which increases their personal security. Many chose a partner not for romantic partnerships but instead for economic (or social) gains. Consider the example of Melania and Donald Trump. While they appear publicly together, their lack the raw passion of other couples. This is not to say that they don’t have fun together—or have sexual relations—but instead that this is a perk of the relationship instead of the sole purpose.

Let’s assume that Melania decides that he has had enough and decides to leave Donald. This may have a negative impact on him popular opinion—among women—but it will not stop him from finding another attractive mate. He can afford to be selective in a way many other men cannot. His appeal is not his appearance but instead the lifestyle and prestige that he brings to the table. While many women may slander her character—rendering her a gold-digger—this type of arrangement is more popular (in a historical context) when compared to love-based marriages. In past generations, it was assumed that marriages were formed on shared interests; love was a natural, eventual consequent. Since love is a function of human cognition—the empirical release of dopamine resulting from pair bonding—it is subject to fluctuation. If love is the basis—and it decreases—it will render the marriage insolvent.

Many women rather be a mistress (to a high-status male) as opposed to being the sole interest of a Beta Male. While the Alpha will treat women poorly, the Beta will faun over her and make her a priority. Women may say they want to be a male-focal point but reality contradicts this. Females (generally) prefer a male with drive, resources, and self assurance. Women liked to be chosen and this feeling cannot manifest if the male lacks other options. The more females at his disposable, the more attractive he becomes.

Does this sound dreadful? It can if you feel entitled. The key is to ask yourself “why should this man chose me” over others. Just like men have no right to own a female, females have no right to own a male. The only way is to elevate your worth in their eyes. I’m reminded of the JFK speech where he asks American citizens to consider “not what the country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” An employee must prove consistent worth to avoid termination. A spouse must prove worth on an ongoing basis.

Here are some examples to elevate your worth and inspire him to commit:

1)     Take an interest in his aspirations (professional or person) and show how you can help him reach his objective.

2)     Continue to prioritize your physical form, even after years of marriage.

3)     Allow yourself to integrate into his social circles. Not as a threat but as an ally.

4)     Take his side even when he is wrong.

5)     Understand his sexual interests and prioritize them.

6)     Give him space to collect his thoughts.

7)     Maintain your own friendships.

8)     Stand up for yourself but emphasize logic over emotions.

9)     Make plans and invite him along.

10)                        Allow him to be vulnerable. Never share anything he says in confidence.

I can already hear the objections. Isn’t this sexist? Feminism asserts absolute equality between the sexes. While this is true in a legal aspect (all subject to the same rights and laws) it is not applicable in the dating market. If you are willing to settle (for a lower status male) you can turn the tables and give yourself the upper hand.

Golan out.