Hello! It would be remiss of me to not take this opportunity to thank dear Wonkette for being a Job Creator, because I am a new writer on this here website which I am sure will make my Tea Party family very proud of me. We can only hope my liquor supply doesn’t run out and I will make tears of joy come to various eyes! Now onto the fun!
Sebastian Gorka, Deputy Assistant to Donald Trump, who is definitely not a Nazi, and definitely not a Nazi some more, gave an interview to The Telegraph that is perhaps best described as incredibly dumb. There are very few rules to giving interviews but one imagines not saying things like “jihad is my bag” is probably in there somewhere. But this is an advisor to He Of The Completely Natural Hair and these people do not follow your stupid rules! They are far too sophisticated for things like having the common sense God gave a chicken or really self-preservation of any kind, and so Sebastian Gorka absolutely said to a reporter that “jihad is my bag.”
Gorka — who has no Nazi inclinations at all — fancies himself an expert at this Muslim thing, which is probably how he came up with the idea of translating the Federalist Papers into Arabic and binding each copy in leather and giving one to every Muslim in the world, for Freedom and Democracy. He is certain this would cost less than a missile, but I do not think he has taken into consideration the cost of getting translators for the ~85% of Muslims who don’t live in an Arab country. Translation services are expensive! It seems much cheaper to buy copies on Amazon for $6 a pop and have them delivered, at least to Muslims in English-speaking countries which let’s be honest is a lot of countries. Of course these would be paperback and not in leather so it’s possible that people may not take that as seriously, and this is a truly serious idea with potentially world-changing consequences! Imagine if every Muslim in the world found out that Alexander Hamilton wrote things before the Constitution was even ratified! We would Solve Terrorism, which as we all know is caused by a lamentable lack of knowledge of American history. Still we are running this place like a business now and we have spent all the monies for leather-bound books on His Most Admirable Of Hand Size’s golf trips. One must display prudence and Prime shipping is free. We might even consider the Kindle edition which is only 99 pennies!
Gorka also displays a heartening lack of awareness of the concept of irony, as he works for an administration that comfortably ticks off 12 of Umberto Eco’s 14 signs of fascism but still says
“Sooner or later somebody will come along who says, ‘I’m taking freedom away from you’; whether it’s a fascist, whether it’s a Nazi, whether it’s Mosley’s brown shirts or black shirts, whether it’s the Communists, or whether it’s, today, the jihadists.”
(Now seems a good time to note that Sebastian Gorka is definitely not a Nazi even though he wears Nazi medals to balls and Nazi groups claim him as a member and he went on TV and talked about how great were these “anti-Semitic violent militias.” It would be unfair to take that sort of thing out of context because truly who among us has not looked at our jewels and trinkets while dressing for a ball and thought “I think I will wear the Nazi pin,” and also the TV thing, for wholly non-Nazi reasons?)
The Nazi thing is all a bit conspiratorial to be sure, and our hero does not hold truck with conspiracies. I mean, he has a shelf of conspiracy theory books but they are PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT. Also he would like it to be known that everything unflattering anyone has ever said about the White House or its current occupants is 100% fake news and the Democrats and the media and the wealthy elite of America are all tied into this because “you just map it” and you will see that when political people say something, the Huffington Post and Politico report on it mere hours later! It is “an orchestrated and well-organised campaign.” Of course according to the dictionary, reporters reporting on things is called Journalism. But then again this is a man who does not seem to know that his words might be printed and circulated so it seems likely that he has simply not been made aware yet what a “reporter” is.
This profile keeps going and you should really read all of it but the whiskey is kicking in and I am starting to reconsider the wisdom of writing for this website if I have to try to make sense of this any longer so I will leave you with this very relevant quote from the man who is advising our Most Bigly Smart Of Winners on major international policy: “Next I am going to be a Martian, you know, subversive.”
America is so great now, you guys.
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