How To Say Hi
Hello! If you’re reading this, that probably means you’d like to speak to me. If you’d like to to start a friendship, but you’re unsure how/whether to say something, I would strongly recommend that you #Just Do It. Even if I don’t follow you (I don’t follow many people). You pretty much can’t go wrong. I love everyone.
However, I understand if this is insufficiently reassuring. Really, I do. I am bad at approaching people. So, given my knowledge of what scares me away from speaking to people I like, here are my tips for getting it done:
The number one thing that blocks me is not knowing if they want me to say hi. I’m scared of being a bother or saying something wrong that makes them dislike me. Luckily, that problem is mostly taken care of. I want you to say hi. You will not annoy me. It’s pretty much impossible to mess up and offend me. If you just say “Hi! You’re cool!” you’ll make my day.
After that, the next problem is having no idea what to say. This sucks. I end up agonising at the keyboard until I give up and decide that it isn’t worth speaking to them anyway. I would hope no one ever has this problem with me. I am really not that hard to impress. “Hi! You’re cool!” is totally sufficient for striking up a conversation.
Intimidation is also a big thing. I tend to think “They’re so impressive; they won’t have time for me”. Sometimes I think this in patently ridiculous situations. One of my current girlfriends, before we started dating, said that she had a crush on me, and then it still took me weeks to work up the courage to say “hi” to her, because she’s So Impressive. (She’s @theunitofcaring, so obviously the Impressiveness is justifiable.)
For some strange reason, there are people who think I’m impressive. This is false. This is so hilariously false that I find it hard to believe that people who think that exist. I am writing this while in bed, in my pyjamas, at 2pm on a school day, because I can’t make my brain function right now. Whatever intimidating image you have in your mind right now is wrong. I am a teenage girl who has been putting off breakfast for 6 hours, because getting up is effort. I am a fluffy (yet wildly incompetent) bunny rabbit. I am not an important person who will never have time for you.
Next up, I worry that I’m not smart/funny/talented enough for them. After all, they do all this Important and Impressive stuff, and I just do my own boring shit. Obviously they’ll see me and think I’m uninteresting - or even presumptuous. Well, let me assure you right here and right now that you are not dumb or boring to me. You will not let me down. Even if you don’t feel like you have anything going for you, I’d still recommend you approach me. I see good in everyone.
If you are still afraid to send something with your name on it, I accept anons. I love my anons. They are cute and fluffy and deserve to be cuddled. I would prefer if you messaged me off anon, but only because I want to know who to direct my cuddle-feelings at. Anonymous messages are definitely welcome.
So, I really hope this has convinced you to say something to me. If you know what you would like to say to me, Just Do It!
However, if not, sometimes it’s comforting to have a form letter or a list of options to pick from. Well, you asked (sort of), and so you shall receive:
- "Hello! I like your blog! You say [cool/funny/interesting/smart] things about [insert topic here].“ - This lets me know what you enjoy, so we can talk about that. Plus, I’m a sucker for flattery.
- “You are [pretty/smart/funny].” or “You have [a nice voice / correct opinions / good taste in ships].” - I continue to be a sucker for flattery and you will make me smile.
- “I have a crush on you.” - I react very very positively to this. It is exciting. I will want to say cute, affectionate things to you.
- “Hi! Do you know [fiction / activity / famous person / other interest]?” - Note that the answer will almost certainly be no, because I am from a different culture than most of you, but it’ll give me an opportunity to ask about the thing, and I like hearing about things that interest people.
- “Hi! I’m curious about what life’s like in the Caribbean. Can you tell me about [thing]?” - I am always happy to evangelise my excellent culture.
Good luck! I look forward to meeting you!