It's all a fucking joke and I've seen it for the past year, and it hurts every fucking day. Every time I see a person in public, anyone, my mind aches, thinking about what their lives must be like, what their goals and aspirations are. I know that 99% of what they all want is a fucking lie and a joke.

To be honest most people seem like insects to me, not literally though lol, I'm not that delusional yet. They seek constant pleasure from everything they do, sustenance for them. They don't think, they're basically bacteria on a larger scale.

I'm not mad at them for it, I don't have hatred for anyone, it's just mentally exhausting to live in a world that doesn't want you. In fact, the world wants me to kill myself, the people who made these lies want the people who know the truth behind everything to shrivel up and die, so that they can further their agendas without being impeded.

A girl at school approached me and started rubbing my thigh and shit, talking about my dick. I went to her the next day just to see what was up and she was on the phone with her boyfriend, who is in the military. She's 17. Right then it just solidified everything and I'm in a real bad mental state ever since.

If it wouldn't hurt my family I would down my father's wine and slit my wrists in the bathtub. There are other fucked up things that have happened to me in the past 5 years and I'm just in a bad way. I just try to write songs everyday to keep my mind off of everything, play my guitar and forget about the world, but it's starting to lose its effect - I've written 122 songs as of today.

I'm sure some of you are in a similar situation. Are you on antidepressants, drugs, alcohol? Whatever helps you I need some of it.

The worst part is that there's no going back now. Once you've been blinded only major surgery will fix things, and in this case that surgery is a bullet to the brain.

I'm about to graduate high school, I'm just going to get a trade save money and be a guitar playing beach bum, fuck it.