What is House Intelligence Committee Chair Devin Nunes lying about today? Oh, it’s probably nothing. It’s just that more and more news is coming out about what happened the night before he threw that idiot presser last week, announcing he had “information” about how Team Trump was the victim of “wire tapps” that were collected totally innocently and had absolutely nothing to do with Russia, therefore the Russia investigation should probably be OVER.
The Daily Beast reported Friday that Nunes was tootling around in an Uber last Tuesday night with somebody on his staff (they were probably out barhopping and picking up boys) when all of a sudden his phone went DING DONG! and Nunes immediately flung open the car door, executed a ninja style roll out on to the pavement and disappeared into the night. The next time anybody saw him was at the next day’s presser, and he smelled funny and had dried orange spray-tanned jizz in his hair, ALLEGEDLY. Was he wearing panties? Who even knows.Did Nunes go to the White House that night? Did he get his intelligence FROM THE WHITE HOUSE? And if he went to the White House, did he even take President Pussgrab a nice homemade casserole or anything, or is he just rude?
Well, we now have a statement from Jack Langer, spokesgoon for Nunes, and it says yeah, he went to the White House grounds, because he had to get to a Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility (SCIF) so he could look at the super secret sexxxy intelligence info, with his “source”:
Wow, Nunes was looking into the completely irrelevant and distracting issue of intelligence community people “unmasking” the innocent names of Trump folks even before Trump did his dry-drunk morning pee on Twitter about “wire tapps”? That’s some coordination right there! Then again, Nunes was on Trump’s transition team, so we already know where his whore-legiances lie.
Nunes told CNN that neither Trump nor his staff even saw him hiking his leg in the Rose Garden or anything, probably because he is swift like jackrabbit and stealthy like Russian cat. Once on the grounds, he made his way to the National Security Council offices in the Eisenhower building (somebody did indeed see him there!), because here’s why:
Nunes said he was there for additional meetings “to confirm what I already knew” but said he wouldn’t comment further so as to not “compromise sources and methods.”
Uh huh, OK. Now, if you’re wondering why Nunes, a congressperson who works at Congress, did not just go to the SCIF in the basement of the Capitol, he has an answer for that too. Remember that some of these answers are likely YOOGE LIES. Eli Lake, reporting at Bloomberg:
In an interview Monday, Nunes told me that he ended up meeting his source on the White House grounds because it was the most convenient secure location with a computer connected to the system that included the reports, which are only distributed within the executive branch. “We don’t have networked access to these kinds of reports in Congress,” Nunes said. He added that his source was not a White House staffer and was an intelligence official.
So it was secret information from the Executive Branch, on the White House grounds, from an “intelligence official,” and we are supposed to believe he didn’t get his information from, ahem, the White House? And it wasn’t about Russia? But it was really important information about one or more people on the Trump transition getting INCIDENTALLY and LEGALLY picked up in foreign surveillance?
Let’s make up another wild conspiracy theory, to build upon the one we made up last week. We discussed Friday how it sure as damn hell looks like fired national security adviser Michael Flynn is being thrown swiftly under the bus by the Trump White House, i.e. it almost looks like they’re trying to paint him as the fall guy for ALL the RussiaGate stuff. (This could be, by the way, because Flynn has turned state’s evidence against Team Trump.) While all these other Trumpers are coming forward to say, “I want to testify! Send me to the nice prison with the swimming pool and the Martha Stewart cooking classes!” Flynn is nowhere to be found, except in the pages of the National Enquirer, being called the “Russian spy” Trump finally caught red-handed. Oh, that Michael Flynn, bein’ a silly spy for the Kremlin. Glad THAT problem is fully taken care of!We also theorized that the Trump White House has been pulling Devin Nunes’s strings from the get-go, because they are his real dad. Well, guess what other story came out about Flynn last week? Oh, just that thing about ex-CIA director James Woolsey suddenly recalling, months after the fact, that he was in a meeting where Flynn talked about basically (actually) kidnapping a Turkish cleric, Fethullah Gulen, who currently lives in America, and sending him back to Turkey — outside American extradition law — because Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan thinks Gulen is to blame for trying to do a military coup to his government. Because remember, Flynn was a LITERAL FUCKING FOREIGN AGENT for Turkey. Also remember that Woolsey was a Trump adviser who ended up on the Trump transition team.
We are just wondering if the “new information” Devin Nunes supposedly has, about “Trump transition” people being unmasked in foreign communications about “Not Russia,” might be shit about Flynn’s Turkish foreign agent-ing, another part of the plan to throw Flynn under a thousand buses and then impale whatever’s left of him on a spike. Just asking questions!
Of course, Devin Nunes still hasn’t shared any of his sexxxy information with his Democratic counterparts on the House Intelligence Committee, because he doesn’t really work for “Congress,” at least not in his heart. And hey, maybe that is part of the real reason why he got his info at the SCIF on the White House grounds — after all, if he used the committee’s SCIF, then mean old Democratic ranking member Adam Schiff might see it, which would be OH FIDDLESTICKS! How can Devin Nunes be part of Trump’s RussiaGate cover-up (ALLEGEDLY LOL) if he has to show stuff to Adam Schiff? UNFAIR!
Well, as they say to popcorn-lovers everywhere, GRAB THE POPCORN because this movie keeps getting better and better!
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