TLDR; got anal after 20 years of marriage, still require validation from within

 

I am 9 months into MRP. I have read the entire sidebar. I lost almost 10% BF and I am finally under 20%. I use SL5X5 and run pretty regularly.

 

So wife has known about RP since a friend I tried to help warned her last summer. [BEWARE about who you tell about this!] It definitely put me on hard mode. Meh, look at my post history if you want to hear that story. My experience has moved forward in starts and fits, but I was moving forward the whole time. Frame was the hardest thing for me to grasp. My first idea was much closer to an autistic retard red pill rambo stomping around demanding compliance. Nope.

 

As I tried and failed and tried again, for me, it was about becoming more comfortable in my own skin. Self validation seeped into my psyche and I began to feel different. IDGAF helped but it was more than that. I began to GAF about me. I began to look within for who I was and what I wanted. I consciously let go of a "dual" identity that I thought marriage was supposed to be. I wasn't happy and neither was she. I was an autistic retard of a captain and I wouldn't have fucked me either. I wouldn't have respected me or appreciated the financial value I brought with my needy sucking of validation I had become to her.

 

We have several kids. They are pretty cool and our family unit was a good one. It is worth providing for, fighting for and defending to my last breath. I was the worn out gear, the un-greased cog, the choking carburetor. I was the problem and no one was going to replace my gears, grease my cogs or fix my carburetor. They couldn't. They are all on the inside and only I have access to them.

 

The process sucked. Just when I think I am getting this, something else happens and yet another jagged part of the pill stabs me and it hurt. What hurt was my ego, my understanding of male/female dynamics and what I needed to do to be content. Killing my ego is still an ongoing process.

 

As I slowly grew, frame became critical to progress. I stopped calling, texting and, I am so ashamed to admit, tracking her. Yes, being a techie, I tracked her phone as a bitch Beta Buck! Fuck me! I let all that go. If she left, I DGAF. If she screamed, I DGAF. If she did whatever, I DGAF, but I did it all with a smile. Granted it was a fake one in the beginning, but it was still a smile. I became the cool dad. I started getting comments from the kiddos that it was more fun to clean the house with dad, it is more fun to work outside with dad, it is more fun to whatever with dad!

 

Shit storms came and went. Keeping cool began to grow inside and I stopped having to fake it so much. The heart rate slowed down and even stopped spiking when things went south. A slow confidence began to grow so much that just last wee the teens car just took a $$$$ multi thousand crap and I handled it like a champ. I didn't panic or freakout like in the past. I just didn't feel it anymore.

 

What is fucked up about me is that I am in the military. I was trained to deal with high pressure situations and maintain situational awareness at all times. Professionalism is an area where I have been good for a long time, but the frame fell apart in my home life. I have since left active duty and I'm now in the reserves.

 

As my frame grew and I started to pass shit test, wifey started coming around. I stopped all duty, starfish and transnational sex. She really started responding. If she wasn't performing, meh, it just wasn't good enough for me to continue. THIS WAS PRETTY SCARY, but exactly what our sex life needed!

 

I was recently recalled to active duty in my country and am being sent away for several months. Relationship was getting back on track and wife wanted to keep it that way. I had nailed down a B&B away from the kiddos and she was excited for the weekend. To make it special, she wanted to try anal for the first time. Now all you RP Chads out there who get it all the time may not appreciate this, but we have been married almost 20 years and this has never been on the table. Not only was she enthusiastic, but even high fived me afterwards and was proud that she could do anal!

 

I had some surprising feelings about the experience. I do not feel any great sense of accomplishment. This was something she wanted to do for us, it was pretty good, fun and HIGHLY enjoyable. Cool. It will definitely keep me around, but, it was not the internal feeling of validation I thought it would be. My inner self has moved so much that I know that when I hit 15% BF, bench 250 and squat doubly my body weight, when I nail my new business I am starting on the side, when my kids grow with strong sense of home and safety I provide, when wife is fully satisfied filling out the frame I provide, my sense of validation will be awesome!

 

Even with anal now in the mix, she doesn't' complete me, ... I do.