'Cause I always end up loving the wrong person.

I've never been in a relationship before. Especially because I've never seen myself as special or able of keeping one, as... well, my self image has never been one you'd call great. I admit I wouldn't let people call me names, fortunately: I just accepted my own way of seeing myself, even if it wasn't very great.

Anyway, as I said, I've never been in a relationship before. But that changed. And didn't last long.

Yesterday, I decided to break it up. Not because he cheated on me, or because he tried to neg me or anything. I left him because it was deteriorating me from the inside, as the more I knew about him, the less I thought I'd be the best option.

He's a traditionalist. He believes society is on its fall because families aren't the way they were before, and masculinity's lost value over time. Even if he himself would cry a lot of times, he refused to believe that it was normal; to him, it was something supposed to be only for women.

Whenever I asked him about this, he'd try to change subject. I once tried to say bad things about two different sides: MRA and Feminism. The first, he simply tried to change the subject and acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about on the first time, but on the second, simply stated that I had no idea what I was talking about. The second, he'd take full pride on denigrating the image; to him, feminism was the root of the evil inside society.

I myself am not a feminist (but do agree about their view on how masculinity is ruining our boys), and was much younger than him. It wasn't our ages that brought us together, as I never publicly show my age to anyone online, but our apparent interests on similar subjects. But whenever we talked about them, it'd turn into an argument. I'd be the manipulated one, the "too young to understand", the one who had no idea what I was talking about, and his constant ramblings about how society is on downfall because of this or that was correct but I simply refused to believe him. To be right, I'd have to refuse every bit of history I learned, both inside and outside teachings from school, simply because he told me to.

But that wasn't what made me give up yet. Apart from these problems, he'd always be loving with me. We'd have long talks about other subjects and laugh. Now, the more I look at them, the more I see how much of the view I despise the most he has: he'd treat me like a kid. In many occasions, he'd try to start a negging but I was oblivious to that and replied instead of taking it seriously, because I thought it was simply teasing.

It wasn't. I got to this conclusion the day I had to excuse myself to study for a test and he'd come by later on asking if I learned something properly. Yes, "properly". And it hurt to see that the person I loved the most outside my family had so many traits I feared that would exist.

He never tried to force me into anything sexual, though. On the other hand, he'd suggest the same thing over and over again just to try to change my mind about it, simply stating that he'd "make sure to not hurt me if I accepted". No matter how much I said no, it'd always come back later on.

What finally made me want to run away was the day he blatantly said that feminine and masculine are real things and not society-made. Not this phrase exactly; the old MRA "women and men are different mentally and emotionally, and each has an inborn nature they cannot go against. Women are natural nurturers and should be the ones taking care of their children"... but men? He just said men were supposed to be stiff because warriors, craftsmen, every man from Ancient times was that, and that was a virtue and a way of looking up instead of keeping themselves on the emotional plan. But women? It was unnatural of them to be rational. They had to be emotive because, once again, it was their inborn nature to be that way. He blatantly said they should stay on the supposedly "inferior" plan.

He'd say this vision was the best one to "save" society, and one that'd think about the whole and not the individuals (as he said, my vision is "individualistic, and that's what's ruining the world", no matter how much I explained that I thought people should accept their differences as individuals to live as a WHOLE well instead of trying to force the idea of "femininity" and "masculinity" on them. They were men and women, personality and supposedly "natural" abilities had nothing to do with that bullshit). Once again, no matter if I tried to argue against this, he'd say I was too young. And if I got stressed about this, he'd say I was "being emotive" instead of seeing the rational side.

I got to the conclusion I'd never be able to live with someone like him. Everyday I'd wake up with the feeling that the person I loved would rather have me as a housewife than the worker I always aimed to be. I wanted to work since I was a kid, not be a housewife. But apparently, that'd go against my nature. The day we argued and I decided to break up, he said that "women aren't supposed to be men, and those that try look like monkeys". When I said that the vision of "being a man" changed with time, especially because before the WWI they were seen badly if they worked (no matter how needed), and that he'd pretty much see me as a monkey when I was a kid considering how I was pretty much a boy, he tried to escape from the subject. And when I asked if his view was that women shouldn't bw supposed to work, he tried to change the subject, neither denying or confirming. And I took that as a "yes".

When I decided to break things up, he'd try to go to the emotional side. "How could I forget you?" "I still love you, please stay"... and when I said I couldn't, he'd start to be rude. "Such a long time and you decide to break things up out of nowhere? I don't get why you're doing this, I didn't do anything wrong for that", but with worse words. He offended me the first time I tried; the first time, though, I ended up deciding to stay and he apologised. The second, I simply went away.

He deleted his account from where we talked before. As his last reply, he said he had no reason to be there anymore if I didn't want to he with him. That he "couldn't erase feelings so quickly". But I feel like he didn't truly love me at all.

And now, I'm self loathing nonstop. My problem is that I always blame myself over these things. I sent him a message apologising, and I'm sure I shouldn't. One thing I did right, though: I said I didn't want to carry on anymore. I simply stated that I was sorry for wasting his time.

But still, the guilt doesn't really go away. I try to be as "stable looking" as possible on the outside, but today, my professors noticed how I wasn't well. But I refused to talk about this.

And my father? My father doesn't know the entire story, but there he is, offending me while I'm supposedly away about feeling bad about something. He doesn't know I can hear what he says. And when I appear in front of him, he looks away and seems scared to say anything, avoiding me.

That's surely all because I refuse to believe my "feminine nature". Not because it would hurt me.