76
77

Woman Realizes She'€™s Been Accidentally Abusing Her Husband (thefederalistpapers.org)

astyaagraha が 投稿

全 42 件のコメント
並べ替え:
ベスト (提案されたアイデア)
トップ新着論争中古い順Q&A

[–]astyaagraha[S] 44 ポイント45 ポイント  (6子コメント)

This is something that I can relate to. Over the course of a 12 year relationship I dealt with constant criticism to the point of walking on eggshells and being pretty much afraid to do anything. And like the husband in the article, I too used to hide the things I perceived that I had "screwed up" because I was scared of the consequences (yes, even little things like buying the wrong item at the supermarket).

It wasn't a healthy relationship, at the end I had very little self confidence and self esteem and three years on I am still struggling with it (not attempting to do anything out of a fear of failure).

Has anyone else had any experiences like this and how did you deal with it?

[–]raziphel [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I've been on the giving and receiving end of this, albeit unintentionally, due to bad emotional communication skills between myself and my ex. It wasn't malicious at all, just... a severe disconnect mostly due to mental health issues.

Learning what abuse is and how it works is a great way to not only spot it in the actions of others, but to help ensure that you yourself don't accidentally hurt the people you care about. Once you know what the bad things are and how to avoid them, you can focus on learning the good things.

[–]Daltzy 19 ポイント20 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yes, I've had an almost exact experience to this. This is how domestic violence (or one form) can be inflicted on a man. It's not healthy in a relationship and it's in no way "Accidental". A person, whether female or male chooses to act the way they do and with reason.

Here communication is key, for me, I communicated with my partner at the time about my feelings toward how I was treated, She listened but didn't make any effort, So I left.

She still hasn't changed, but that doesn't mean other people's partners won't. Counselling is the best option.

[–]SmytheOrdo [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

My first girlfriend when i was 19-20ish was verbally abusive and mudslinging when we dated. After we broke up she apologized for it, but the damage was done because an inexperienced person like me mimics easily....i carried over some of her tendencies to be name calling into my next relationship 7 months later. And frankly i still feel terrible over it 4 years after.

[–]jeff0 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I have experienced this. I didn't really deal with it in a productive manner, and there was not a happy ending.

[–]Jbliu [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I had basically the same thing happen but got out after a year and a half. 4 years on still feeling the repercussions though - I think the things that have helped me the most have been to try new things and just fuck up at them if need be. Cooking classes, voice classes or choirs, dance classes yoga. Normal women will find it endearing and want to talk to you.

You'll have some self doubts at first and wonder what their game is (that was my experience)... Truth is they don't. It takes time but you can restore your self-confidence.

[–]son_nequitur 59 ポイント60 ポイント  (6子コメント)

It's interesting she says "why am I doing this? I'm not his mother". As if berating your children for making common mistakes is any better.

[–]exadrid [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

That's a really interesting take on that. I had not even thought of it.

[–]chrom_ed [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

One step at a time. Today she realizes it's inappropriate and counter productive to treat her husband like that, tomorrow she asks herself if it's productive to treat a child like that.

Because you're right, children respond better to respect and allowing them to determine their own right way to do things fosters independence and problem solving whereas telling exactly how every little thing should be done and berating them for doing anything else just reinforces the idea that they should follow orders and shut up.

[–]ilivetofly [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

I think that if a child left class on the floor it would be appropriate to scold them. Leaving glass on the floor in a home with children in it is a dangerous thing to do. Its also a lesson for them not to hide it or they will get in more trouble.

Usually homes with children in them have more than one child in them at any given point, or a pet or so on. Loads of little feet to get slashed up.

[–]TheIcelander [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Just leaving broken glass on the floor is one thing, but I don't think it would be appropriate to scold them if they took responsibility and cleaned up most of it. Everyone makes mistakes and if you scold people for an honest mistake they're going to start hiding those mistakes and fearing making any decisions at all.

Believe me, I would know.

[–]bitterred [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

I will say that I read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Talk last year and started using some of the techniques on my husband almost immediately. The way I was raised, little things were a huge deal to my mom; grabbing the wrong kind of milk at the store, using up a grocery product that was for a "special" occasion, breaking dishes while unloading the dishwasher, etc. Reading the book helped reframe this kind of stuff: when my husband came home with reduced fat cheese, it was an honest mistake, and I even pointed out that the way selection at the store was displayed in a misleading fashion.

We're on the same side. We all want to make the family work. Cutting your kids the same slack can only be good.

[–]Janiebby 13 ポイント14 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Great read! I fall into the trap that "I get to be right even if I know I'm wrong" girlfriend-privileges. It's usually in teasing manner but I can see that even joking about it endorses stubbornness from me and self depreciation from my boyfriend. I'm going to work harder to remind him that I appreciate him and to admit that he is right when rightfully so.

[–]Gyrant [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

This is more meaningful than a lot of people give it credit for. Thank you.

[–]halfercode 68 ポイント69 ポイント  (9子コメント)

Thanks for the link, though there was something about that article that didn't sit right for me. It felt like a "little woman" was finally admitting to a Christian-evangelical (and/or MRA) audience that she'd finally realised her true place was to be deferential to her husband.

Given the following issues with the post, I think some caution is in order:

  • the trackbacks refer to articles such as "How can a married man maintain his masculine frame? Like this: 'Pipe down. You’re such a silly woman'.”
  • the trackbacks point to websites that offer cartoons of muslims with bombs on their heads
  • the pro-Trump site itself argues that walls could not be put up for racist reasons

I wouldn't necessarily suggest deleting the link, but it's worth letting people know.

[–]aeiluindae [スコア非表示]  (5子コメント)

Good to know. However, there's that whole saying about stopped clocks. And if a genuinely good article comes out of that sphere, than perhaps it should be rewarded. It might even be counterproductive in the overall social-political landscape to ignore the good that comes out of the opposite faction, assuming we want to heal the divisions in society.

For me, it didn't feel like she meant she should be deferential to her husband, only that he'd been doing all the compromising and she hadn't respected him for making the attempt, only needling him when he didn't go far enough or read her mind.

[–]halfercode [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Yeah, I didn't think the story was in itself bad, which was why I was not keen it be deleted, and certainly the fact that men can experience emotional harm cannot be repeated too often. However, the site on which it appears seems to be a magnet for deliberate racism and sexism, and I'm not comfortable regarding that merely as a stopped clock.

Another commenter indicates that the story appeared on Reddit - I wonder if this site just plagiarised it?

[–]Anarchkitty [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Not exactly plagarized, but quoted.

It clearly states "From Tickld via Reddit:" at the top. Only the very first paragraph is actually the "author's" words, everything in italics is the quote. Even then, that's inaccurate because it's technically "From Reddit via Tickld".

[–]neurohero [スコア非表示]  (2子コメント)

I would like to argue about stopped clocks: they're not broken... They're just in the wrong longitudinal position most of the time.

[–]Gyrant [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

I think if you can go to the effort of accelerating a clock in a westward direction to a speed appropriate for its latitude, you can just fix the clock.

[–]desipis [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

Here's what appears to be the original reddit post.

[–]OrkBegork [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

The website it's posted on seems to be all alt-right garbage. Half the articles seem to be about why Trump's wall is wonderful and 'totally not racist'.

I'm not sure why any reasonable person would look at that website and not think they were about to read some bigoted propaganda from crypto-fascists.

[–]OPisadumbassss [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

This got a slightly weird 1960s housewife slant to it towards the end.

[–]anotherkeebler [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

Blogspam. They brazenly they stole this content. They even stole the picture from a version I found on an LDS blog.

I pasted a random paragraph verbatim into DuckDuckGo and got dozens of hits including a version linked to via /r/MGTOW.

I'd really be interested in seeing if there's an actual original copy—and if the original author has any followup. The content is interesting, even if the hosting site is plagiarizing in exchange for ad revenue.

[–]Fala1 [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

What kind of environment have I created where he feels he’s not allowed to make mistakes?

This is a really good point that applies to so many situations.

[–][削除されました]  (10子コメント)

[removed]

    [–]Dalmasio 39 ポイント40 ポイント  (4子コメント)

    Don't you think it's possible to do things that society taught you were acceptable, without realizing you're actually abusive?

    [–]ms_malaprop [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

    Right, and people raised in abusive homes are at an increased risk of being abusive towards others, often because they haven't learned what a healthy relationship looks like. Not all abuse stems from a lack of empathy, respect, or straight up sadism.

    [–][削除されました]  (1子コメント)

    [removed]

      [–]halfercode [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

      I don't think that is remotely true. Abuse can manifest from one person to another when the power dynamic between them is unequal. In the case of this story, one person tolerating another person's bullying is sufficient to encourage a worsening behaviour over years, and it becomes hard to know when it crossed the line to abuse.

      To be clear, I am not defending it - just noting that there is value in understanding that even good people can fall into abusive behaviour.

      [Edit: this was in response to someone saying that all abuse is deliberate, a comment that is now deleted.]

      [–]TheBlankVerseKit 12 ポイント13 ポイント  (0子コメント)

      That bothered me too. I think a more appropriate word would've been "unknowingly", but I also think the content of the article has value in spite of the clumsy title.

      [–]Dewey_Darl [スコア非表示]  (1子コメント)

      This comment was removed. I see where you're coming from but it feels like a pedantic nitpick that doesn't really add to the conversation about abuse, ya know? I think we all understand that by "accidentally" the author means "unknowingly". Let's move on and discuss the actual content of the piece.

      [–]raziphel [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

      Having accidentally done questionable things in the past, then yeah, there certainly can be accidental abuse. However, the impact is the same whether it's accidental or not. The difference between "accidental" and "intentional" is that when accidental abuse is pointed out, the offender apologizes and stops that behavior. Intentional abusers will deflect or blame the victim for pointing it out.

      [–]halfercode [スコア非表示]  (0子コメント)

      This has been cross-posted to an MRA-leaning forum. I'll backtick it to discourage brigading from there:

      https://np.reddit.com/r/FeMRADebates/comments/60svks/woman_realizes_shes_been_accidentally_abusing_her/