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[NY] Do her actions qualify as harassment, and if so, what can I do about them? (self.legaladvice)

Peaches_Nicholette が 投稿

[New York]

I was involved in a multiple car accident in July 2015. A girl who was texting, driving, and speeding hit my car on the highway we were traveling on and caused me to hit another car with a father and his children inside. My car rolled over and hit a wall. There were two motorcyclists involved as well. I'm the only survivor of the accident who is alive today. I have a number of physical problems as a result of the accident, including an L5-S2 spinal cord injury, a severe traumatic brain injury, and a facial disfigurement. I have survivor's guilt and PTSD. It caused financial hardship for my family. We eventually got a settlement, receiving money from the parents of the girl who caused the accident.

Ever since late 2015, the mother of the girl has been emailing me and sending me cards in the mail. The messages always ask me how I'm doing, go into detail about her life while asking me questions, and they end off with a Biblical scripture. I don't like these messages and have never responded to a single one. She will include some things about her daughter in there (I.e., her most recent one was talking about how her daughter would be finishing her first year in college) that I don't want to hear about because her daughter ruined my life. I think about the accident daily and so much of my life has been affected by it, her messages make the emotional distress worse even though it's not her intention.

I can't change my email because it's the one I use for school and have sent out to colleges. My father has returned some of her cards and asked her stop, but she continues with the excuse that she needs to make sure that I'm okay and I know that she thinks about me often. I want to know if what she's doing qualifies as a type of harassment. If it does, what kind of legal actions can I take?

I didn't want it to come down to this, but I've let it slide for too long.

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[–]Guygan 46 ポイント47 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I can't change my email because it's the one I use for school and have sent out to colleges

Add her email address to your spam list and they will be blocked.

If you want to pursue it as illegal harassment, head down to your local police department, and discuss it with an officer. They will have a good idea about what would be considered criminal harassment.

Or, call a local lawyer, and ask for a free consultation.

[–]eyesoutofsockets 69 ポイント70 ポイント  (12子コメント)

Not a lawyer -- Have you considered simply blocking emails from her email address? Gmail and other webmail programs can give you that kind of option. For Gmail you can do it via filters.

[–]Peaches_Nicholette[S] 10 ポイント11 ポイント  (11子コメント)

What should I do about the cards?

[–]eyesoutofsockets 61 ポイント62 ポイント  (1子コメント)

If you worked with a plaintiff's firm for the initial settlement, I'd contact them and ask them to write a very scary cease and desist letter. Hopefully she stops after receiving it. Any general practice / personal injury lawyer can do one for you. (If they try to charge you more than $200 for just the letter don't use them). Again, NAL.

[–]Peaches_Nicholette[S] 14 ポイント15 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thank you so much. Again I didn't want to take action, but she's getting on my nerves and not respecting my space, health, or family.

[–]BlushingDragon 12 ポイント13 ポイント  (6子コメント)

You could also write "return to sender" on the envelope and put it back in the mail box.

[–]jen_k_m 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just write "refused" on it. Post office will return it, no muss, no fuss.

[–]bubbles_24601 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Throw them away unopened.

[–]grrliz -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Return to sender. Act like you moved.

[–]KT_ATX 12 ポイント13 ポイント  (6子コメント)

Block her email. Send a certified letter with a note explaining that you understand her point of view but that you do not want any more contact from this woman. Her daughter was the cause of severe physical and emotional trauma and you neither want nor need a continual reminder of it. Include a cease and desist letter.

You may talk to your local post office about the best way to return this womans letters. In my area, its fine to mark things as "Return to Sender" without them assuming you are no longer at that address. That's what I would reccommend doing, as long as your local postmaster clears it.

I dont think this would qualify as harassment.

If you want, talk to your lawyer about what WOULD count as harassment and how to document this womans actions if they escalate. While there is a chance that she wont, I would expect for her to escalate after the cease and desist because it sounds like she is trying in some weird way to involve you in her grieving.

[–]CoffeeFox 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Probably she's just grasping at whatever closure she can find. As the parent of a child who did something incredibly stupid and killed people, she probably has a lot of guilt about what she could have done to prevent it.

One would hope that a simple conversation with this person might be the most painless way to resolve the situation. If not, then maybe the law can help.

Many legal debates only happen because inter-personal problems escalated.

I damn well wouldn't want to talk to her either, but if I wanted her to stop talking to me I'd try to talk to her anyway. Legal action is an escalation. If someone wants a problem to just go away quickly, de-escalation is what they're seeking.

[–]KT_ATX 14 ポイント15 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I understand she has guilt but, without meaning to be harsh, thats not OPs problem and its inconsiderate of this woman to attempt to make it OPs problem. Especially since its been communicated to this woman several times that OP does not want contact. So that conversation has already been had and it hasnt worked. Woman has already forced escalation by not listening to the times OPs father has told her to buzz off.

I tend to agree that being direct and somewhat non-confrontational is best. But I think OP has made it clear their goal is to get this woman to leave them alone ASAP while not having to speak to this woman. I think covering both the personal and legal bases by including both a cease and desist notice and a personal letter may better make it clear that while OP understands where this woman is coming from, they are also serious about their desire for no contact.

[–]Tenarius -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Especially since its been communicated to this woman several times that OP does not want contact.

What

I don't like these messages and have never responded to a single one.

Read it again.

[–]imonlyloggedintogoba -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

My father has returned some of her cards and asked her stop

[–]PurePerfection_ 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I would sympathize (but not actually condone what she's doing) if her unwanted messages were solely focused on how OP is doing and offering OP support and making amends, but things like "her most recent one was talking about how her daughter would be finishing her first year in college" are just plain wrong. To someone with survivor's guilt, it almost certainly sounds like "my daughter is gone but for some reason you're not, so you have to talk to me."

The person her daughter nearly killed is absolutely not the person to burden with her mourning. She should be speaking with a therapist or a friend or turning to the church I assume she belongs to given the Bible quotes in the messages. And more importantly, it isn't OP's job to convince her of that or to speak with her at all. This isn't an annoying neighbor who plays loud music or some other minor grievance where a conversation is the common sense first step. Asking the guy next door to keep it down doesn't force anyone to confront a traumatic event from their past. I'd imagine that even opening a line of communication could be detrimental to OP's recovery.

[–]brownbutterquiche 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Send a certified letter with a note explaining that you understand her point of view

I would not include such a note. Someone who persists in such behavior is not going to appreciate it as a softening of a blow, but rather will see that and think it excuses further shitty behavior on her part.

People who think bragging about their egregiously negligent child's graduation to someone who was damaged by that child is somehow a good idea won't respond like a normal person would.

[–]BlatantConservative 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (18子コメント)

I assume based off of this that you contacting her directly might be a bit too much?

[–]Peaches_Nicholette[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (17子コメント)

What do you mean?

[–]katemay3 8 ポイント9 ポイント  (16子コメント)

I think they're suggesting that you reaching out directly might be more effective than your father reaching out. That said, I'd have someone else get the mail and just throw out her cards without you seeing them. If you see a card from her, do not open it. Add her email to your block list, very easy to do just google it. If she finds new ways to contact you, contact a lawyer, but this should be easy and free. Best of luck to you and your family!

[–]Peaches_Nicholette[S] 22 ポイント23 ポイント  (15子コメント)

Oh no, I can't. Part of the reason why I have never responded to her is because I have nothing nice to say. I will rip her apart and say horrible things about her daughter. I've written practice responses to some of her letters and practice requests for her to stop. They either come out full of vitrol, or somewhat nice but forced and with a strong passive-aggressive undertone. My father doesn't like her messages and what her daughter did either but he can control himself more.

I think it's a good idea to stop looking at them definitely. I'm going to try and do the easier methods that have been suggested here first, but I will still consider legal, more serious methods if she doesn't stop.

[–]seaboard2 16 ポイント17 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Send her this:

"Dear XYZ,

I am working hard to put this incident behind me and every contact with you makes me relive the event. I am fine, I am alive - - but I need to move on and continue to heal. Please do not send me any more correspondence as we both must part ways to continue our mutual need to heal.

Best wishes and goodbye - -

Peaches N

[–]TychaBrahe 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (1子コメント)

That is way too nice.

•••

Mrs. X:

I understand that you are grieving the loss of your daughter, but your daughter's stupidity resulted in the deaths of Y people and life-altering injuries for me. My focus is on recovering as much of my potential as possible. To be blunt, I have no interest in hearing from you now or at any time in the future. I consider your emails and cards harassment, and if you do not immediately cease all contact with me, I will be forced to take legal action.

Do not reply to this letter.

Signed, Peaches Nicollet

•••

According to another poster, what she is doing is not legal harassment, so you could not get her criminally prosecuted. But I think a civil attorney could make a good case that she is inflicting emotional harm on you. Whether it's intentional or not depends a lot on what was said to her in the past to convey that you wish her to stop.

[–]eyesoutofsockets 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

NAL (law student/paralegal), but wouldn't her only actionable claims really be Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress or Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? I don't think she meets the criteria for harassment or a restraining order. From what I know, both NIED and IIED are very, very hard to prove or win a case on, and in my very amateur non-legal opinion her situation isn't severe/dire enough. If she can't get herself together to write her own letter, having a lawyer send a C&D is probably her best option. Even just seeing the phrase, "We retain the right to use any and all legal means..." is pretty scary. In my experience, a well written C&D letter gets at least 30% of recipients to shit in their pants.

[–]BlatantConservative 14 ポイント15 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Just send her this then:

"If you keep on contacting me, I will take legal action. Do not contact me again"

[–]khoitrinh 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Oh no, I can't. Part of the reason why I have never responded to her is because I have nothing nice to say. I will rip her apart and say horrible things about her daughter. I've written practice responses to some of her letters and practice requests for her to stop. They either come out full of vitrol, or somewhat nice but forced and with a strong passive-aggressive undertone.

If she doesn't give a fuck about you, I would not recommend caring about her emotional well being. Sure, it's not her fault for what her daughter did. But it is her fault for doing what she's doing now despite requests for her to stop. She's sending those letters to ease her conscience, not actually out of a desire to make sure you're doing okay as clearly evidence by her disdain for your request. Personally, I would send your letter to her and hope that gets the message across and I wouldn't even bother trying to be passive aggressive about it. But I'm probably hot-headed and may not be giving the best advice.

[–]katemay3 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Honestly, stop torturing yourself. Looking at her stuff is causing more harm than good. I don't know what her motives are-guilt, pain, mourning her child-but they aren't your problem. Ignore,delete, and block. Also, look into getting some therapy yourself. You've been through something traumatic. I've been through some similar trauma- not to your extent- and I was angry at the person who caused it. I realized I needed to forgive him, not for him, but for me. I don't want anything to do with him or his family at this point, but the forgiveness helped me find peace and put my life back together. Just a suggestion, not trying to offend you at all.

[–]Tenarius 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It's absolutely unreasonable to call it harassment when you haven't told her it bothers you.

that I don't want to hear about because her daughter ruined my life. I think about the accident daily and so much of my life has been affected by it, her messages make the emotional distress worse even though it's not her intention.

Just tell her this.

[–]Ill_Buy_You_Lingerie 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

For Harassment in NYS you need to feel as in you or someone's else's life is in danger, or threatened. To me this doesn't sound like harassment, just an annoyance.