Even your mom and your sister. Its a tough pill to swallow. It's so obvious too. I'm grateful I know now as an unmarried 27 year old. Up until a few years ago I was convinced that getting married and having kids was the right path for me. Now it seems like a death sentence. After getting so totally screwed over in my last relationship I really have no desire to even have sex anymore. I mean the desire is there but the understanding of what it all entails as far as dealing with a being who doesn't have integrity is completely undesirable. I miss waking up next to a beautiful naked woman in my bed and feeling like they were my best friend and I could be honest with them and she would be honest with me. I miss staring into her eyes and believing what she was saying. What is it with women and dishonesty? I would never even dream of cheating on someone I was in a serious relationship with, let alone having a completely different relationship with someone else behind their back. That's what fucked with my head the worst. I'd never been so blatantly lied to ever before. I actually mean the words that come out of my mouth and I guess my belief in karma enforces my sense of obligation towards living with dignity. The biggest mistake was holding a woman to those same standards of integrity.

Oh well. I have a job that I actually enjoy and pays well and a bunch of hobbies that I can devote more time into. I'm very fortunate in that sense. I just set up an account with fidelity and plan on investing some money soon. I'm okay with spending my time alone. I live by lots of mountains and I'm into cycling and hiking and there's nothing better than going out and exploring the hills alone. I've always enjoyed going into nature alone. Life is good but I just always used to think i'd have a friend to experience the journey with. Maybe I should adopt a dog! My best friend growing up was a black lab. Now she was one girl I could trust.

I used to do quite a few drugs, I was more experimenting than dependent although I did feel like I had a dependency on marijuana for a number of years. I learned a lot from drugs, especially psychedelics which I did with respect. By myself at night, meditating on LSD for example. Never in a party atmosphere. But the best thing I learned was that being 100% sober was the ultimate high. It took a number of years to get to the point where having the desire to get intoxicated was completely obliterated. I really prayed for it. I hated the fact that I craved marijuana. I couldn't wait to get home from work to smoke a joint. I needed something external to unwind. I'm starting to see maybe it's the same scenario with women. There is a desire to be with them. There is a high that comes from having sex and the appearance of comfort in a relationship. But like drugs this creates a dependency which creates suffering. If I can learn to let go of the desire for intercourse or a relationship 100%, I'm certain that will bring about a natural state of being high or blissfulness just like being content with abstaining from altering my mind with intoxicants did. That's the work to do now. Eliminate lust from my consciousness. I chose to become celibate about a month ago and so far it's been very rewarding. I have a lot of energy and feel very clear headed and sharp. I just want to destroy my attachments to porn, orgasms, women, all of it 100%. Who knows, maybe I'll have sex tomorrow or maybe I'll be celibate for the rest of my life. Celibacy feels right for the time being but there's still some work to be done in this mind to eliminate lust. I also want to give up anger too. What a relief that would be! To just know that no matter the situation, you will remain even keel even in the most trying of times. Nothing can phase you.

We come into this world alone and we leave it alone. It seems like this physical experience is a learning ground to learn how to let go of everything. EVERY desire and attachment and model of how the world should be.

Just a little venting and organizing thoughts. Thank you for reading. This is a really great community and I'm grateful to share it with others who are waking up to similar realizations. Reading through some of the posts here has been very therapeutic for me!