William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior

Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement

WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.

Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

ATLANTA—Presenting research with significant implications for public health, a report published Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that saying the phrase “smells okay” precedes 85 percent of foodborne illnesses in the United States annually.

Newly Discovered Journal Entries Reveal Sacagawea’s Repeated Attempts To Ditch Lewis And Clark

EUGENE, OR—Historians at the University of Oregon announced Wednesday that a recently discovered journal appearing to have belonged to Shoshone guide Sacagawea details dozens of times in which the Native American woman tried to ditch Meriwether Lewis and William Clark on their 1804 cross-country expedition to the western part of the United States.

Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years

MINNEAPOLIS—Explaining how the company remains innovative in a fast-paced industry, executives from DigiVista Media told reporters Wednesday that the marketing firm consistently positions itself on the leading edge of what its competitors have been doing for the past few years.

Woman’s Head Feared Lost Forever Inside Infinity Scarf

Infant Injuries On The Rise

24 Million Would Lose Coverage Under GOP Health Plan

The Pros And Cons Of Quitting Social Media

Citing the stress of engaging with sites like Facebook and Instagram, many users deactivate their social media accounts for their emotional well-being, while others enjoy these platforms as a way of connecting with friends and family. The Onion presents the pros and cons of quitting social media:

Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing

WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any effect on whether or not it passes.

5 Things To Know About Paul Ryan

Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week

WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week.

NASA By The Numbers

Lofty Ambitions To Shovel Entire Width Of Driveway Scaled Back To Only Shoveling Thin Path For Car

Point-Of-Purchase Of No Return

Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness

ATLANTA—Noting that things get “really messed up if you cross Earth’s middle,” Shaquille O’Neal reportedly wondered Tuesday when people in the Southern Hemisphere have March Madness.

Dog’s Eye Gunk Wiped Back On Dog

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 14, 2017

Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets

Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by ‘The American Economic Journal,’ you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you selfish goddamn son of a bitch.

Parents’ Most Common Expenditures

Oil Discovered In Alaska

5 Things To Know About Blizzard Preparedness

Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source

WASHINGTON—Excitedly drafting an email after discovering she had been included in the article, White House deputy chief of staff Katie Walsh reportedly sent her parents a ‘New York Times’ article Monday that quoted her as an anonymous source.

GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address concerns about the affordability of coverage, Republican congressional officials advised Americans Monday to set aside the income from one of their jobs to pay for healthcare costs under the newly introduced American Health Care Act.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media

LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet

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