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I feel like I need a restart (self.askMRP)

prarrott が 投稿

I know we talk about rebranding, the idea of (among others) slowly changing your wife's preception of you away from the poor one you put years into building, into the new one. But, what about a restart?

I was just watching a tv show to remain unnamed (tv, make-believe,etc -- I know, but humor me), and it involved a previously mostly-absent father returning to be a part of a momentous event in hos teenage daughter's life. You get the impression (I don't have a history with the show) that he did not have his shit together previously, hence his absence. But, he shows up with his shit together (is pretty RP actually, surprising given general modern TV) and all parties respond positively.

You've seen this story play out before. There's a break, and a reset-of-sorts, then the man shows back up to low expectations, greatly exceeds them, and is able to be seen in a new light.

As I've pointed put, my rebranding is not going particularly well so far, in that my wife seems generally immunized to my changes. They have been (and are ongoingly) gradual. It feels like I need a restart. Is there room for creating something like this within a marriage, without leaving? I know you cant erase your past, but I wish there was a way that my gradual changes could be experienced more immediately, like walking outside to a fully grown tree as opposed to watching it slowly grow in the background over years.

Just some rambling thoughts.

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[–]FireTemperedred beret 11 ポイント12 ポイント  (3子コメント)

I'm learning to care less and less whether and how the wife responds, but still want her to ultimately. I'm not putting in the work for her, but part of my end goal is a satisfying marriage, which is likely sparked, in part, by her recognizing and accepting my changes.

Prarrott, there are so many things wrong with your statement above. Here is my take:

Yes, you are learning to care less and less, but you still care too much about getting her to respond to your changes. You cannot control what another person does. You do not have the right to control what another person does. Doing things to get her to respond to your changes is still a covert contract. They never work.

You say you are not putting in the work for her, but you want a satisfying marriage. Does that mean a marriage with her, or with anyone? If it means with her, then again, you are putting in the work for her and it is a covert contract. I hope you are understanding what I'm getting at here.

Lastly you say you want her to recognize and accept your changes. How are you going to make her do this? I know, you can tie her up. lol. Again, covert contract, you cannot control another human.

I know you are religious and you have this built in idea that she married you and she owes it to you and your marriage. But that just isn't how it works and it never will.

The reset you seek my fellow traveler is within yourself.

Once you stop expecting her to honor your marriage vows; once you give up on blaming her; once you give up on controlling her behavior; once you give up on the marriage; you can reset yourself and start really working on you. And, quit working on her. Best

[–]prarrott[S] 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Thanks man, you're right.

Allow me a small puke: Being honest, the man I want to become isnt one who never has good sex. And it still feels like if I leave her behind, as it were, that ship of intimacy sails. Now, maybe it doesn't, maybe she responds, but I cant do it in hopes of that, as we've established. I've already decided for the time being, I'm staying in the marriage (finances, young kids, I did this to myself, still early, etc), and it is a hard pill to swallow (pardon the metaphor) to walk away from the only real chance of intimacy I have available.

Right now, I'm the only one initiating any affection. And its tolerated by her, at best. I know, be attractive, etc. But, if I stop initiating affection (kiss, hugs, touch) then it leaves the relationship altogether. This is a difficult realization. I know we say be fun, kino, 10 sec kiss, but she doesn't respond at all, and you stop because it seems counterproductive (Principle of least interest - can't remember the name of the law), then where are you?

[–]FireTemperedred beret 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

If you are being attractive, then you are being attractive. Her response is hers. You do not own it, she does. The reset is your mental point to origin becoming you, not her response.

Be fun, be attractive, be yourself. Quit measuring your "success" on a response you cannot control, "her response" that you CANNOT control.

You can only control yourself, and we all know that is far from complete control for any of us.

You continue to do what YOU want to do. Kiss, touch whatever. She can chose to respond however she wants. That needs to become OK with you. This is the reset you need. Reset to become your own mental point of origin. She is already her own point of origin.

Thus the statement you see often here, DO WHAT YOU WANT. Initiate or not, it is yours to chose.

Finally, the hardest part after so many bad experiences with your wife....Ending the butt-hurt. Man your kicked puppy responses show through even on these pages. Once you stop letting her set your mood. Once you become attractive, regardless of the obvious response that she doesn't see you that way... then you have done the reset.

Again, the reset you seek is inside you. It is going to be one of the hardest things you ever did. Once you succeed, and it will take some time, your clouds will clear and you will see things more clearly. I do wish you my Best

[–]screechhaterRed Beret 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You have no idea what is coming in terms of sexual response on her part until you have fully realized the changes that you are making are for you

If you want affection go get it. Saje with sex.

There is another post about Dread Level 10. He hits her between the eyes and wakes her up. Where are you on your level ?

[–]GargantuaBlarg29Red Beret 9 ポイント10 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Fuck dude. I've been pulling for you for awhile now, but you're just not getting it. Maybe you need a main event with MRP. Either go all in and use the tools given to change yourself, or head to deadbedrooms and keep searching for "the right way" to change your wife. Either burn your ship or don't set sail at all.

This restart you're talking about is just another Disney fantasy. You want to setup the narrative that you're going to go away and change for a lot of people. You want them to gather around and expectantly await your grand return. Then you want this big reveal where the curtain comes open and everyone claps and cheers as prarrott walks onto the stage a changed man. Happily ever after...aaaaand cut.

 

The thing is none of the shit you do to change yourself is ever presented to everyone else. You just change the way you are and they accept it, or they don't. You don't care either way, because you did it for you, not them. The main event, fights with the accusations of "you've changed" or "you don't love me anymore" that you hear in posts here all the time...you think these phrases come from a change women wait expectantly for?? It's hard work for them. It takes them out of their comfort zone. When you change you're rocking the damn boat. And they don't like that deviation from the norm, because they are unsure of what that deviation will bring. I'm editing this a lot because I'm trying to nail down what your issue is...and I keep coming back to this: Do you want to change? That is, are you tired of the life you were leading, felt like you weren't living up to your potential, and that you were doing things for others instead of for yourself? Do you want to change that? Or is your involvement in MRP simply because you want your wife to respond to you. It's gotta be about you. A lot of your stuff is "I did this but I dont feel it/ she isnt responding/ is there a shorter way. Do do YOU want to change? For YOU??

Your wife is "immunized" to your changes because you're not really changing at all. It's raining red pill outside, and you're the guy opening his door, reaching his arm out, and feeling how hard it's raining; thinking "is this going to be an inconvenience? Should I get an umbrella?" Be the guy who flings himself out there and dances around in it. Embrace this change. Embrace that it's going to be hard, it's going to take awhile. Embrace the suck. You don't get jacked from easy, quick lifts. You don't make lasting friendships meeting someone once. You don't get your Ph.D. from one online class over the summer. You don't learn how to game by going out once. You don't have a great wardrobe from a single trip to Macy's. You don't learn how to play a sport by playing it once with a group of friends. And you won't fucking change into a RP man in some big, grand, reveal. Every single thing in life takes time and practice. There's progressions and setbacks and dead ends...but there's no shortcuts.

[–]prarrott[S] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (7子コメント)

I appreciate you, and all of you, pulling for me. Stick with me, because I'm not going anywhere. I will figure this out, but yes it seems a slower journey for me than most. Your last two sentences apply fiercely.

Do I want to change?

You've got my hesitancy pegged here. I do, but I am afraid of the consequences still. Every step forward in RP at this point feels like a step away from this marriage, and that's hard to accept. I don't have oneitis for my wife, but maybe I have oneitis for the idea of my family. I'm a new house owner with 3 young kids and no Fuck You money. I got myself into this, I created most of my problems, and I want to see it through fully. I believe everything your saying, but the penny drops slowly when the real-life consequences of my marriage unraveling play out before me.

My posts are about her not responding, because that feels like one of (or maybe the) last frontier.

[–]FireTemperedred beret 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Every step forward in RP at this point feels like a step away from this marriage, and that's hard to accept.

Yet your post is about a guy going away and returning to get a reset. But you also know that guy might NOT have gotten his reset from the significant others in his life. The ultimate control of a successful reset in your story, is not up to the guy, but it is up to others to define him. Still you have others defining your hero even in this "story".

You may have just identified your conflict. This is your incongruent mental narrative that holds you back. You cannot reset without mentally stepping AWAY from this marriage. That space that you create is how you save yourself, and possibly the marriage. I believe your incongruence is caused by your fear. You are afraid that you will break it and it will break you.

Until you overcome this fear, and there is no requirement that you do, you will be a plugged-in slave to your marriage. You wife and your children will own whatever is left of you. They will define you.

[–]GargantuaBlarg29Red Beret 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Then you see the ripples on the water in front of you of many other men who've navigated these waters, myself included.

I get it. The very best of outcomes is your wife turns around and starts loving you, obeying you, following you, and you can carry your family, new house, and new you into the sunset. That's why you are sitting here dreaming of being at point A..."something big happening"...and then popping out at point B with everything fixed. That something big involves the possibility of your marriage not working out. And you just cannot bring yourself to face it.

The irony of it is...as long as that vision scares you from progress toward the marriage you want and becoming the man you want to be (you DO want to change, after all), you'll NEVER get to that vision. Ill say it again because it's that important. If you do not accept that the possible result of improving yourself and your marriage is that your marriage will fail, AND YOU ARE OKAY WITH THAT RESULT, then youll never get to the marriage you want. Yes it's weird. Like gambling. I put my money on the table. I ACCEPT I could lose that money. But how will I ever win if I don't put it on the line.

[–]FireTemperedred beret 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

That something big involves the possibility of your marriage not working out. And you just cannot bring yourself to face it.

OP has the option of not facing it, ever.

how will I ever win if I don't put it on the line.

OP has the option of not putting it on the line, ever.

Factually, that is partially where he is now. These are options he has tested and sprinkled alpha on, but not yet fully accepted.

Prarrott your next step(s) is acceptance. Not an easy task.

[–]GargantuaBlarg29Red Beret 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

All true. That's why I made sure he did want to change. If he truly does, then not acting is no longer an option.

[–]FireTemperedred beret 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yes, I think we are on the same page of the playbook.

[–]SgtSilverBack 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I believe most newbies go through the same thing. All of the vets have put in the time, sent FRs about them holding frame but all you see is post history of "My marriage sucks" to "MY LIFE is what I want it to be" and you don't see the hard work that they put into it. Much like seeing an in shape guy and you ask him his workout and diet, you follow it but you think after a month, "crap I don't look like him yet" and you change things up. But you missed the fact that while you don't look like that guy, you do have more muscle, less fat, stronger but you measured YOU against someone else instead of measuring YOU against old YOU.

You have a plan to turn YOU around and you want an indicator that it is working, that you are turning into a new YOU. You want this indicator to come from your wife.

Everyone here and all the sidebar is telling you that the validation for you being better comes from you and know one else. That is the solid foundation. That is what allows all the vets to handle circumstances from their own frame. How you get that internal validation is lift and sidebar. It's cutting the EGO out. That ego is the difference between " look at all I have done and she isn't recognizing it" to "this is MY life, I want to be in shape, I want a clean house, I want to be an awesome father that raises my children to have MY values, I want to be fulfilled with MY life"

For what it is worth, I went through the same thing. I always lifted, I was big and strong but overweight. I started getting my shit together. I got blood work, got on TRT. Lost the fat and got abs and veins. I stopped being complacent with my career. And got mad that she was still a shrew, holed away on the other side of the bed and couldn't even lay her head on my chest. It took me surrendering my control of anyone else but me to change my perspective. I started doing it FOR ME. Guess what, less stress in my life, which means less stress from me in her life. She is able to relax and enjoy the masculinity I bring instead of it being forced on here because I NEED her validation.

Relax, take a deep breath. Find YOUR goal for YOU and what it takes to get there. Then work the plan. When you get frustrated by your progression you stay happy for your family and come here​ to vent and seek direction and get a kick in the nuts to help you get back up and fight for YOUR life.

[–]RedPillRisingFromAsh 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Every step forward in RP at this point feels like a step away from this marriage, and that's hard to accept.

That's your old conditioning -stick with it

[–]Soberskipper 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Have you found a hobby yet? If you want to speed up the process of changing your wife's perception of you then it can help. Eg. When I was blue pill in 2012 I started playing football after 4 years off. In my youth I was a player with great potential and was at 2 professional clubs until getting released at 15. I played until 18 at semi pro then due to work I couldn't make Saturdays anymore so I stupidly stopped playing. I met my ltr at 18 so she never knew how good I was eventhough I talked about the sport alot. For the record always been lean with a ripped physique. Fast forward 4 years, we have a young daughter and sex is probably 6/10 with me Been Mr nice guy to a tee. I start playing again and after 1 season I'm made captain of the team and I'm probably one of the best players in the league. By this time I'm fully back into the swing of the game n I'm playing to the best form of my life. My teammates respected me massively, We win trophies, my picture in the sports pages of the local paper every week, people going up to my ltr and saying shit like "hey I saw soberskipper in the paper bla bla bla".

All of a sudden I'm a trophy to her, she fucked me properly (BP me is thinking her hormones are balancing out after baby). She came to my social events through the sport and was "proud of her man". (she was proud that she had a social Standing, not proud of my sporting achievements). And at all her family functions she showed me off to aunts, uncles, grandparents you know the score. This is because she saw me through other people's eyes. She saw how much the team and supporters looked up to me and respected me. Also a bit of dread from other females at the game but mainly my status.

Then we had baby no 2 in 2014. She couldn't cope with Saturdays alone with the kids, I switched my work around her and basically quit playing to be a "good dad" and spend family time Wtf???? Blue pill to the core. You know what happened next....i ended up here lol. Sorry for the fr answer but I saw in your post history you needed a hobby, Now I'm looking on this period of my life with my RP lenses on it makes perfect sense. Other people's view of you can influence her view if it's genuine admiration.

[–]AmericanViking64 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Money will buy you nicer clothes immediately, diet changes your health pretty quickly. Anabolics can speed up bulking or cutting weight. Hygiene can be improved today. You can put in extra effort at work now. Frame and game take practice and time but you should be able to find at least 1 thing to practice right now. You can start a hobby or make friends at your own pace.

From my limited experience my kids have responded fairly quickly and reliably, and my boss notices my increased productivity and better attitude. My wife is more fun in general lately, but who knows if that will last.

At least I am building a solid frame of my own which means honestly I just don't care if my wife comes around, or when or how she does that. Its very satisfying just being myself again and way more important to be the father my kids need or employer/contractor my boss needs me to be. The wife will come around eventually. Or not.

[–]prarrott[S] 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Doesn't exactly address my question, but have an upvote nonetheless. Solid perspective. I'm learning to care less and less whether and how the wife responds, but still want her to ultimately. I'm not putting in the work for her, but part of my end goal is a satisfying marriage, which is likely sparked, in part, by her recognizing and accepting my changes. So, I'd like to maximize the approach to that as well.

[–]AmericanViking64 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I should have done a better job explaining. Ive had addiction problems. Nobody understands wanting to go back and re-set the past like a clean addict.

That is why this program is so appealing to me. Its dependent on the work I want to put into myself because in a new-agey kind of way "the answers" or "happiness" or whatever is inside myself. It does not depend on anyone else.

So the kids come around quickly because they were really young when I went through most of my problems, my boss is mostly just concerned with the bottom line so that works for me. My relationship with my wife is the most complex as she has been there through it all and likely she will be the last to respond to my changes.

So no short cuts for me at least but ultimately that is fine as I learn to be happy with myself and content with what I have today, everyday. Figuring out how to do that was a huge part of how I started to build my own frame.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed beret 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Is there room for creating something like this within a marriage, without leaving?

Yes. It's called a Main Event. It will reset your marriage ... or end it, if you haven't done the work to get to where you need to be first.

Are you there, OP?

I wish there was a way that my gradual changes could be experienced more immediately an easy alpha trick I could sprinkle on my marriage and avoid all of this hard work

FTFY

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

You've seen this story play out before. There's a break, and a reset-of-sorts, then the man shows back up to low expectations, greatly exceeds them, and is able to be seen in a new light.

Yeah, after years of absence. The whole point of the story is that it takes time to bury those ghosts. Having the fuck-up in front of you the whole time makes it harder to see the small changes.

It's like watching you kids grow -- you don't see the changes every day, only in fits and spurts -- like when they start to walk or outgrow their clothes. It's the retrospective part, where you have to consciously set aside that old image and accept what's suddenly right in front of you.

It works the same for many other parts your MAP. Lifting is an exercise in discipline, but man, when you actually see the gainz... or when you start dressing better, and actually start seeing the IOIs when out in public. That's when the shit becomes real to you. And it still takes a few months after that for her to start seeing those changes.

They have been (and are ongoingly) gradual. It feels like I need a restart.

Why do you think women shit test us? It's the very point of the exercise, and the reason there's RP. She doesn't believe your shit yet. She's starting to notice these changes, but thinks its just an act (or acting out) and doesn't accept them as reality. Hell, I still don't think you believe that you have any frame yet.

Let me be clear: there is no shortcut with your wife. You can "fake it till you make it" for most observers, but for her, you need to actually demonstrate frame. Repeatedly and consistently until there's no way for her to doubt it.

I mean, let me ask you... how long would you have to "act alpha" before your own mother believed that this was a genuine change and not just playing RP? You can hardly fool someone who raised you from dirty diapers, taught you to walk, and put up with your adolescent bullshit.

With your wife, hopefully she still has some fantasy that you were once alpha, and that you're just getting back to the man she fell for originally. And if she never thought of you as an AF, then you're probably fucked anyway because she deliberately chose BB instead.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

^ This reminds me of /u/ex_addict_bro's story. His wife married an addict with eyes wide open. It wasn't his affairs or the fights that ended his marriage, but that he actually started cleaning up his shit, changed his narrative, and built a new frame. Her own unhappiness was contingent on blaming him as the fuck up, and not herself.

Hmmm, paging /u/resolutions316, does this sound familiar?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You don't need a Fucking restart or branding.

Can you not Fucking understand ?? Her shitty attitude and testing you constantly is to wake you the fuck up. Apparently you are now.

Frame, OI and Abundance can be ratified quickly and solidly with heavy lifting, diet, cardio and getting out of the house.

The "reset" is not going to be talked about for a long time or acknowledged until you prove, through actions, that you have made them and they are here to stay.

She may revel in the changes that are taking shape, but she will most likely not talk to you about them openly. Just like she will most likely not initiate sex in a manner portrayed in porn.

How you want to portray yourself, is totally up to you, but you must not work to be better in her eyes or set goals to win her approval.

Truly, and I mean truly crossing the threshold of IDGAF is a monumental step as you may learn and feel the actual shift in her attitude to want to do what is necessary to keep you and operating in your frame to do it

[–]TheFamilyAlphaPro-Masculine Evangelist 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Dude, just fucking change your default and act like it has always been this way.

Follow the #MenofMarch campaign and you'll see hundreds of others who are doing exactly what you are talking about.

Just choose to stop being a pussy, fuck the gradualness of it, just fucking sack up and be better.

[–]drty_pr 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

There is no reset.

Over time her image of you can be changed. Totally depends on the level of pussy you were and how long you were that pussy. Unfortunately for you, you were a pretty heavy beta for a long time man. I'm not sure if that can be unseen.

Doesn't stop you from becoming the man you want to become though. This particular train of thought is weak and does nothing for your improvement. So I'd ditch it if I was you.

[–]RedPillRisingFromAsh 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

OH God is that chick-flick one where Kevin Spacey turns into a cat and has to come back into his daughters life or remain a cat!? Jesus

My kids and wife wanted to watch that and I made us watch Jack Reacher instead

[–]ReddJive 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I feel like you're just making excuses.