Hey, MGTOW, that's gonna be a long and almost sad story. I'm 21 years old and a virgin. All my life I had a fear of being close to a woman because I was afraid of failure. In school I was always among the least sexy guys on account of me being fat, needy and pseudo-romantic so yeah, I didn't get any pussy. After my graduation I decided it was time to change something, lost some weight, started wearing stylish clothes and started acting like an asshole all of a sudden. So I entered the university and some chicks found me sexy which was a shock for me. One of them, my group mate, liked me a lot and we started dating (I didn't like her, but was dumb enough to believe that having a girlfriend boosts my status or makes me more of a man). Surprise - our relationship didn't work out and she dumped me. That made me far more desperate than I was and I started chasing her - guess what, she didn't give a shit. Afterwards I nearly hit the bottom with my depression, because at that time my father died and it felt like the world was hostile and unfair to my lousy ass.

However, I felt like I had nothing to lose and went to a student theatre at my university and that helped my to overcome my social awkwardness. Then I switched to even a better place, started appearing on the stage more less regularly and my fear of being in front of people diminished. I also traveled a lot at that time, and started meditating regularly.

So now, after 3 years of doing theatrical stuff my depression is a rare guest, however I still experience mood swings and social awkwardness attacks. At the same time I started calling myself out on my own bullshit more often, succumbing less to my insecure ego and so forth. Others noticed the change as well. My ex too, now she flirts with me constantly, follows me around. But I don't want to be with her anymore. I wanna fuck her, yes, but I'd rather leave my oneitis behind along with all the stressful shit she's associated with.

But in the end, my fear of women is all my fault. Sometimes I hate them for not jumping on my dick just like that, and that makes me even more of a dummy, I know. Guys, to be honest, I feel like a fraud because many girls give me those looks and show signs of interest in me, however I'm too scared of them. I sometimes put on an "alpha act" but that is just a façade, LOL. And if I learnt something from my turbulent past, it's that the only thing that can forge your character is overcoming your fear. So that's why I'm trying to get laid yet again. Or that's the result of not fapping for half a year, who knows.

Anyways, thank you for the opportunity to share. I know you probably can't help me, all I can say is do not repeat my mistakes or you will turn into a two-faced Dr.Jekyll-Mr.Hyde character like myself.

Cheers