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Jokes

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Welcome to /r/Jokes!
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  • Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely racist jokes
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These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays.
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submitted by madazzahatter
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
all 79 comments
[–]positive_electron42 1050 points1051 points1052 points  (54 children)
You know what they say - you can't spell manslaughter without laughter.
[–]Badithan1 443 points444 points445 points  (42 children)
Man's laughter
FTFY
[–]jmkinn3y 248 points249 points250 points  (39 children)
FTFY = Fuck This, Fuck You
[–]PathToTruth 93 points94 points95 points  (35 children)
Thanks! I never knew what this meant.
I thought it meant falling on the floor.. something... something...
It is so true - you learn something every day !!
[–]bigjeeper 123 points124 points125 points  (8 children)
Falling on The floor yodeling
[–]theconfuserx2 31 points32 points33 points  (4 children)
Full thickness frog skin
[–]Herb_Kazzaz 11 points12 points13 points  (2 children)
A Japanese circumcision.
[–]differentM 4 points5 points6 points  (1 child)
What about a Japanese handjob?
[–]asbestos_fingers 4 points5 points6 points  (0 children)
Full thickness frog yoghurt - ftfy
[–]physiQQ 11 points12 points13 points  (0 children)
I usually refer to FTFY as Fucking The Floor Yodeling.
[–]LegitUsernameTbh 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Fucking the fat yoda
[–]Georginator2000 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
You killed me XD
[–]thecatman456 63 points64 points65 points  (20 children)
If you're being serious, it means fixed that for you. Not fuck this fuck you
[–]PathToTruth 38 points39 points40 points  (19 children)
I am being serious. Thanks for ftfm !
[–]Contraryy 31 points32 points33 points  (18 children)
Fuck this fuck me? Well, if you say so...
[–]PathToTruth 22 points23 points24 points  (16 children)
FTFM means Fixed That For Me
I thought this had all been agreed upon !
[–]A_Decoy86 42 points43 points44 points  (14 children)
FFFFF
Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck - Eric Cartman
[–]PathToTruth 10 points11 points12 points  (0 children)
Hmmm. Seems to be some sort of pattern with the F's
[–]MrLupenTails 3 points4 points5 points  (2 children)
How would you like to see the school councilor?'
[–]thedaddysaur 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
HWYLTGSTSC?
[–]pjguy2000 2 points3 points4 points  (7 children)
What episode was that? I can't remember
[–]D00GL 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
I'll make you eat your parents •Eric Cartman
[–]AfterAllThisTime_ 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Relevant username
[–]adamantitian 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
Fuck this for me. The ultimate friendship request
[–]Xanthis 6 points7 points8 points  (4 children)
It means: Fixed That For You...
[–]PathToTruth 9 points10 points11 points  (3 children)
Now that makes more sense because I've seen it a lot in the DIY section !
[–]Djugdish 9 points10 points11 points  (1 child)
Lots of love!
[–]PathToTruth 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Reminds me of when a friend once told me (not so much a friend anymore) that WTF meant Welcome To Friends. I had to cancel my Facebook because of my friend's "humor".
[–]Deadisred3 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Illuminati confirmed
[–]OneEyedMelon 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
For some time after joining Reddit, I thought that's what it meant
[–]RoosterTooth 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
TRIGGERED!!!
[–]I_Buttchug_Listerine 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
Yeah it's like what they say...If the bulldog is dizzy, the well is too deep.
[–]Tesrab 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
There was a player I ran into numerous times in an mmo I used to play named Hellslaughter. I always wondered which way he meant it, but never got around to asking.
[–]Stringy63 9 points10 points11 points  (5 children)
You know what else they say - you can't spell pussywillow without willow.
[–]ChunkyCoder 9 points10 points11 points  (2 children)
Wow! Silly pus.
(an anagram)
[–]Ginlyf 10 points11 points12 points  (1 child)
Supylliswow?
Confused anagram with palindrome.
[–]ChunkyCoder 7 points8 points9 points  (0 children)
One of my first CS projects for extracredit was called "ShittyPalindrome.c" It would just take the input, reverse it and append it to the original input.
[–]bsouth16 2 points3 points4 points  (0 children)
You can't spell...
Edit: my dad didn't teach me how to read
[–]gimboland 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Reminds me of that time in the nineties when Kurt Vonnegut opened a comedy club called Laughterhouse Five.
[–]gwissa 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
haha dumb bitch, bet you never knew that
[–]the_original_Retro 93 points94 points95 points  (3 children)
It was the backing up and doing it twice more and then burning out with them under the wheels that sunk you.
[–]patrickregan99 43 points44 points45 points  (2 children)
I got a shotty clutch, whats a guy supposed to do?
[–]the_original_Retro 17 points18 points19 points  (0 children)
Well then.
You can hope you have a judge that back in their impoverished legal school days was forced to drive a cheap-ass standard with a crappy transmission.
You'd have excellent odds of being acquitted.
[–]aveidel 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
And that's why she's your ex....
[–]Ehandothertails 15 points16 points17 points  (0 children)
The victory lap is what will get you caught.
[–]yahelnyc 14 points15 points16 points  (2 children)
How was the experience? 😂
[–]Demonlynchmob 11 points12 points13 points  (1 child)
Cold, this sort of thing is always best cold :)
[–]Stringy63 5 points6 points7 points  (0 children)
The first time you venge, it's good warm. After that though...straight from the icebox.
[–]fullnonsense 6 points7 points8 points  (0 children)
Good job, OP. I always 'miss' my ex. :(
[–]DeltaBravo831 3 points4 points5 points  (0 children)
Sounds like you're doing better in life than her at least.
[–]HitShane 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
It's only manslaughter if they're in a crosswalk. If you accidentally hit them while they are jaywalking it is their fault...
[–]Xanthis 9 points10 points11 points  (0 children)
Depends on your local laws. Some places the pedestrian always has the right of way even if they are jay walking. It's like that here in Alberta
[–]GuySimile 3 points4 points5 points  (1 child)
Ran into my ex today. Then I backed up and rammed into him again.
[–]Utkar22 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
Am spike in diepio, can confirm
[–]NzUnknown 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
But did you get the $3,000,000 that the memes offered you?
[–]iamlnr 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
She got what she deserved
[–]Maestermold 1 point2 points3 points  (0 children)
I Miss Her Sometimes
by Jeff Ross
I ran into my ex the other day
Then I backed up and ran into her again
I miss her sometimes
[–]MrSkeltle 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Slaughter is the best medicine
[–]happyhippiebilly 0 points1 point2 points  (1 child)
I bumped into mine as well... for about a half hour.
sex with the ex is best. :)
[–]Athloren 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
7/10 with rice?
[–]D-TOX_88 [score hidden]  (0 children)
The version I always heard was
"I ran into my ex today...
Then I threw it in reverse and ran into her again."
[–]Nearly_A_Witch [score hidden]  (0 children)
I guess you put the fun in funeral
[–]LadislaoCheeseman 0 points1 point2 points  (0 children)
Nice one! how many points do you have now? I kinda have point system when it comes to hitting pedestrians. The first one hit is 10 points. (only 10 because beginners luck and all.) Then it just goes up from there. I am already at 315!!!
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