1
2

Own Your Shit Weekly - March 07, 2017 (self.marriedredpill)

AutoModeratorBot, Married - MRP Moderator[M] が 投稿 - announcement

A fundamental core principle here is that you are the judge of yourself. This means that you have to be a very tough judge, look at those areas you never want to look at, understand your weaknesses, accept them, and then plan to overcome them. Bravery is facing these challenges, and overcoming the challenges is the source of your strength.

We have to do this evaluation all the time to improve as men. In this thread we welcome everyone to disclose a weakness they have discovered about themselves that they are working on. The idea is similar to some of the activities in “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. You are responsible for identifying your weakness or mistakes, and even better, start brainstorming about how to become stronger. Mistakes are the most powerful teachers, but only if we listen to them.

Think of this as a boxing gym. If you found out in your last fight your legs were stiff, we encourage you to admit this is why you lost, and come back to the gym decided to train more to improve that. At the gym the others might suggest some drills to get your legs a bit looser or just give you a pat in the back. It does not matter that you lost the fight, what matters is that you are taking steps to become stronger. However, don’t call the gym saying “Hey, someone threw a jab at me, what do I do now?”. We discourage reddit puppet play-by-play advice. Also, don't blame others for your shit. This thread is about you finding how to work on yourself more to achieve your goals by becoming stronger.

Finally, a good way to reframe the shit to feel more motivated to overcome your shit is that after you explain it, rephrase it saying how you will take concrete measurable actions to conquer it. The difference between complaining about bad things, and committing to a concrete plan to overcome them is the difference between Beta and Alpha.

Gentlemen, Own Your Shit.

全 140 件のコメント
並べ替え:
ベスト
トップ新着論争中古い順Q&A

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 6 ポイント7 ポイント  (13子コメント)

I am going to puke this out. Because ... argh.

Anyway :

Wife has cervical cancer apparently at just shy of 29. Fuck.

She is not handling it well. neither am I. On her end, lots of comfort tests. Really really needless ones imo but hey, thats her thing. I am ok with it to some extent.

On my end - all sorts of selfish things - like what happens with us, what about sex, what about kids, what about.. what ever.

So , now I feel guilty ala NMMNG

Lost my cool due to something she said at a restaurant. Immediately thought "well, I am just going to tell her how I feel about it" Derp. Did not go well. For either of us.

Anyway

Still going to the gym to lift things 4-6 days a week.

Sex drive is fine.

Works is fine

School is fine..

all would have been under "Good" category in past weeks. Staying the same.

Would like a fucking break from shit though.

[–]resolutions316 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Jesus christ, man. I'm so sorry you need to go through that.

I don't think anyone could go through what you'll need to go through without some guilt/fucking up/"selfishness." You're going to be asked to sacrifice a lot for another person, to lay your own needs to the side, and that's going to hurt - how could it not?

The guilt layer - the "how come I'm being so fucking selfish, feeling this way" - that's the layer that's poisonous.

You're going to be great. All that building-up of a powerful sense of self that people work on around here...all that's going to come to your aid when you need to support your wife, and yourself. But it's going to suck, and that's perfectly fine, too. We're all human.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (7子コメント)

On my end - all sorts of selfish things - like what happens with us, what about sex, what about kids, what about.. what ever.

I feel ya on this one. This is a particularly bitter pill to swallow when you consider the likely outcome if the shoe was on the other foot. What did you tell her in the resturant . . . in summary?

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (6子コメント)

long story but basically - I will tip how ever much I fucking want. Because Its money I earned, and don't care if someone can't get a better job

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (5子コメント)

funny . . . I have had that same one a LOT. I often feel like it is a game of 16 . . . NO 17 . . . 17 . . . NO 16. It is a type of shit test actually, and ripe for either AM or A&A.

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

nah , it got real defensive. On both ends.

" I have been a server... you just dont understand!"

later " I dont know why you got so upset, its not like I made it personal"

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Could be totally off base , but in hindsight I find that any fight wife starts with me has nothing to do with what she chose to fight about.

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

nah , she is convinced I started this one.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

lmao

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

sometimes, I feel like a bitch.. sometimes I don't

[–]saint_chalet 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Your world just asked you to level up. You'll do it. That's what we do, we rise to the occasion. You got this. Good luck man.

[–]redmountainpill 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

That sucks, dude. At least you understand the process and you're in a position be the oak through it all. Be patient and find a friend you can vent with

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Dude, doctoring through this is hard.

I constantly have to ask which version of me she is asking or speaking to.

[–]redmountainpill 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah, I bet the instinct to take over and doctor-speak to her is hard to overcome

[–]faggotbrains 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (9子コメント)

10 days since last cig. Going to keep it that way.

3 days since last fap. Going to keep it that way.

Gotta start Yoga and Lifting again. Stopped cuz of back problems and the lack of energy after work everyday.

Gotta also stop procrastinating waking up in the morning.

[–]bogeyd6MRP MODERATOR 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Do yourself a favor and go to the gym even on the days you can't do much. Do something. Back hurts? Then only do BP and some accessories like seated curl. Arm hurts? Then squat or deadlift.

If you go to a fancy box gym, hit the sauna, hot tub, and pool. Floating around in water for awhile helps relieve the pressure off your spine.

[–]faggotbrains 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

best advice so far. showing up is winning half of the battle

[–]resolutions316 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Sauna, which they even have at my decidedly-non-fancy YMCA, has even been shown to increase HGH release after workouts. I find it incredibly relaxing.

[–]DownVoteForDickPic 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You will be tempted by a fag and a fap, but don't give in. I had a prayer for years that helped me.

Help me to crave what is good for me. And to have aversion for what is unhealthy for me.

[–]drty_pr 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Put an alarm on the other side of the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off. Don't go back to bed after your feet hit the floor. This is also a really good discipline exercise.

[–]redmountainpill 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

What do you think is causing the lack of energy? It's a common excuse for not working out. I'm working 16+ hours today and still went to the gym this morning because it's a habit

[–]jacksarmy 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

At least get out for a walk everyday, you would be surprised how energetic you will be after a few walks to move back onto weights

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

So which is harder to quit?

[–]faggotbrains 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Habits are difficult to change

[–]positivevibetech 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (6子コメント)

First OYS in about a month.

Weight down almost 15lbs in last 6 weeks, diet is already on point but finding ways to add value while subtracting crap. I've pushed for us to up our probiotic content and now include at least one fermented food per meal (sauerkraut, kim chi, sprouted tofu, etc). Did a bunch of research on black (cumin) seed oil, and got a better turmeric/curcumin supplement. Drinking 6-7 liters of water a day.

Gym is moving, still not pushing hard enough, but also semi-satisfied with the upward trend. I'm coming off of 30ish years of being "farm strong" but not working out the full body or glamour muscles. Work gym continues to be a great source to blow off steam and reset my mind.

Reading - didn't finish Gödel Escher Bach as planned, but pushing through. The woman has enjoyed having this read to her as bedtime story so I'm just going at a leisurely pace on it. WISNIFG is loaded on Audible but I haven't started it yet.

Frame has been on point for the most part. There've been a few instances where I've had to go to parent mode, which to me is acknowledging her actions (tantrum) and then pulling her out of it, basically a time-out. We've had a LOT of conversations in the past weeks about anxiety, many of which I've just sat more or less quietly letting her talk herself into, around, and out of whatever it is she's worked up about. I explained anxiety as a desire to escape a situation, and using all of one's accumulated desire in such a manner leaves none left in the bucket for other uses. That was a big eye opener for her.

She came home a week or two ago and immediately dumped about how the wedding stuff wasn't finished and how it was causing her to lose sleep. The items she was concerned about were my responsibility. I let her get her piece out, and then pulled everything out, finished, and ready for us to finalize. Maybe 10 words of explanation total on my part - I am working very hard on not going ante-stoic autist in these situations.

Another frame report: Saturday I went and did the grocery shopping/day approaching. Had some interesting conversations with a two separate women over organic vs vegan diet (they were a bit shocked to find out the blood/bone meal and other animal products that go into organics), and came home to a hungry/irritable woman. It took about 5 minutes of henpecking before I was just about out of STFU so I went outside. Came back in two hours later and told her to put her shoes on and follow me. I'd cleaned out and organized the garage (a huge thing that's been on my to-do list for . . . years) and it was all she could do to not cry. No sex expected, no covert contract, just didn't want to spend my time inside with the snark. The real appreciation came when she finally got to park her car in the garage as this huge storm came through, preventing some significant hail damage. I don't need thanks, appreciation, or sex for doing what I should be doing in the first place.

Managed to hang with an a good friend for a few hours two weeks ago, and hang out with a guy friend and his girlfriend over the weekend. He and I usually split off while the girls talk, it was good catching up with him and helping him with some perspective on his relationship.

Main work has been good, the past 5 weeks have been a breath of fresh air with a new responsibility helping out a training class. The class is already producing at seasoned levels and are now getting up-skilled in an entirely new role. Being involved at this point means I will be the only person in the company with facilitator/training experience in the role, already working on parlaying this into bigger and better things.

Side gig has actually exploded in the past month. The sales plan I implemented has actually put me in a position where my higher end stock is almost depleted. This past weekend saw the highest volume of sales and profitability in almost two years. It's not enough to retire on yet of course but it's a start, and a great springboard to the next two months of the plan.

I've also worked with her to remove the external influences of violence, relationship turmoil, bickering, victimhood, pedestalizing, etc that comes along with tv, movies, and music out of our lives.

The physical relationship is about where I expect it to be. Frankly, this woman is a bit of an autist in her own right. We are working on finding her a mental relaxation point to call her own, which is something she's never taken the time to develop. With each day of meditation and relaxation, she's opening up and maturing into an adult, at 30 years old.

Our lives are turning into modern urban homesteaders, and we are really picking up steam with this "cooperate or death" mentality. This includes extending out to our neighbors and friends who live near by - a huge damaging storm just came through here a few days ago, and we had backup packages ready to go for the elderly neighbors around us - I was really proud of how quickly and operationally she jumped in without trying to run the show. We didn't need an overt leader, it just came together naturally. In that sense, we have also been cutting out the unnecessary electronics time, turning off the TV well before bed, no game consoles.

It's going to be a long struggle regardless. I have, can, and will struggle alone. She will also. You will. Everyone will, from the highest to the lowest. Build your team, build your tribe, build your community. Make it so you don't NEED to lead, fill it with people who instinctually know where they are going, but don't be afraid to be that beacon in the dark that can also serve as the lighthouse warning of the rocky shore. The peace of work is only surpassed by the peace of rest.

Now to catch up on the Men of March threads.

[–]2ndal 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (3子コメント)

. Came back in two hours later and told her to put her shoes on and follow me. I'd cleaned out and organized the garage (a huge thing that's been on my to-do list for . . . years) and it was all she could do to not cry. No sex expected, no covert contract, just didn't want to spend my time inside with the snark.

Next time don't even mention it. You don't need her approval, right? So why are you seeking it like this?

[–]drty_pr 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Second this OP. So long as you are doing things at home for validation, you will be in her frame. You should clean your garage because you want a clean garage. Her opinion is irrelevant.

[–]positivevibetech 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

No expectation of approval or validation, the reward I got was the reward I wanted, a cold beer when done (it still tasted like shit). I went to do it because it needed to be done, I had the time, and the conversation prior was going nowhere. No removal of self/presence, even - I'd say more OI than anything else.

The reason why I decided to mention it to her is that the garage is not attached, and in the 4ish years we've been together, she's NEVER gone in the thing. Not even once. It might as well not exist back there.

I had to really weigh the decision, and in the end it comes down to loss mitigation. My personal satisfaction was already attained (shitty beer not withstanding). Knowing there was a very large storm coming in with potential hail, etc, I decided to show her the spot was cleared to protect the vehicle, otherwise it would have resulted in an open garage space going unused, and potentially thousands of dollars of damage while she stood at the window watching hail bounce off of her car, or me saying "Hey go put your car in the garage" at the last minute while golf-ball sized hail was falling, and then having to convince her it was even available in the first place. A stitch in time saves nine, so to speak.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You're reading GEB to your wife as a bedtime story? I've seen some weird shit on this sub, but that may be the weirdest.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I've had to go to parent mode, which to me is acknowledging her actions (tantrum)

and,

and it was all she could do to not cry

and finally,

immediately dumped about how the wedding stuff wasn't finished and how it was causing her to lose sleep

you do you bro; but that's a lot of trouble and not even married with kidz yet. this has the feeling of captain save-a-ho in the making.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (5子コメント)

As part of Men of March day #2, I investigated what I was avoiding, turns out to be accountability in general. So as a start I’m committing to OYS for the duration of March.

This week is a longish outline for future reference; in following OYS will just reference areas or I’m working on.

Background: Married ~ 20 years, teenage kids. Very dead bedroom for a very long time. I assumed that’s what marriage was and grimly, sadly, passive aggressively plodded through it. The Talk every 18 months or so with usual results. Successfully avoided dealing with it till I got a vasectomy with a side of covert contract. No change led to silent fury and began checking out of the marriage. Started getting a lot of exercise, ignoring her in favor of my own interests. No other goal than making my life not suck. At the end of that summer I was super fit, tanned and on a mission. One night she had The Talk with me about how we need to have sex more. That night trying to figure out WTF happened found MMSLP, face palm. Have been at this for 3+ years. Lurking MMSLP forum and more recently here; huge gains in some areas, still needs improvemnt in others.

  • Strengths; fitness, friends, person goals, career
  • Weaknesses: accountability, tracking, finance, shared goals

Men of March Targets:

March Goals

  1. OYS weekly this month

  2. Financial review and budget with commitment from wife

  3. Increase meditation from 30 to 45 minutes following specific program every morning

June Goals:

  1. Summer endurance event: get plan and coach, start training

  2. Formal tracking and planning at work;

  3. Find a meditation group and sit with them weekly till June

note these goals have specific actions associated, don’t want to clutter up the OYS with them.

Fitness/Diet

  • 5’11, late 40’s, 185lbs. ~15%BF (by appearance)

  • 5x5 basic program: bench: 170, squat: 165 , deadlift: 225 , ovp:105 , bor: 125

  • Swim: 2-3x per week (~10km total)

  • Yoga: 1-3x per week (1 hr each)

I was stuck at 175lbs for years in a slow recomp, started eating heavier recently put on a lot of muscle fast but not a huge amount of additional strength. lifting progress has been stalled for a long time; back and shoulder issues limited, probably form related; Action, see MoM Goal 2: get lifting coach and program.

Doing a major endurance event for late summer. Requires more intensive and serious training than I’ve ever undertaken and an event specific coach (see MoM Goal 1). This wil be my primary goal and enducrance training is not compatible with muscle gain. I’ll continue lifting but with an emphasis on form. After that event goal goes to lifting and getting as strong as I can over the fall and winter. I’d say 1000 lb club but I’m suspending goals on htis until lifting coach can give me guidance.

Spiritual: Had meditation practice for many years, iI’ve gotten more serious in the last couple of years meditating longer and with more specific goals. Current continuation is 45m per day following a specific program leading up to a retreat in the summer. Need to find a meditation group to sit with weekly (see MoM Goal 3)

Career: I have a great job doing work I believe in with people I respect. Was dissatistfied couple of years ago after starting on MRP path, was offered a desirable position elsewhere; stayed but used the offer as leveragefor pay raise, promotion to managment of group and a few other demands. I walked away from a lot of money at the other job; no regrets. The job I have now is a dream job, limited only by my effort and discipline. Biggest area for improvment be improved is in formalization of my efforts; better tracking, accountability, planning, process for my myself and my group. In particular accountability for my staff (big theme for me), mostly autonomous but some stuff not being done when asked. (see MoM June Goal 2)

Sex: This is a tough one. Got my shit together just before wife hit peri-menopause, now in full menopause. Sex more or less on demand now but she’s overweight, sedentary and complainy, has been for a long time. Huge overall improvement in tone twoards me and in general since the Before Times. She is positive affectionate and admiring but her daily Enumeration of the Ailments is a serious fucking turnoff. Coupled my tendency to go full introvert and do my own thing this is a problem. Used to care a lot about sex because I couldn’t have it, now I can and I don’t give much of a shit most of the time. Pretty sure T is ok, wake up with solid erection every morning and weight / strength are ok. Lots of IOIs (some quite aggressive) in the last year or so which I’m bemused and rueful about. Wife has a family history of stroke/heart disease, cancer, diabetes and is overweight, BMI = obese. Told her in August require her to be stringently following an exercise plan. She’s doing it in fits and starts, but there’s always a Good Reason not to. I’m really not interested in nagging and I’m having difficulty imagining our future together without her taking care of herself. I don’t care to be her nurse. Not interested in demonstrating more concern for her well being than she does. I set a deadline of 1 year on my calendar for evaluation of her progress and decision on my next steps. Halfway there and not much progress. Still on the fence as to what to do, how hard to push and how to push. There’s my accountability problem again; holding her accountable historically has led to blowups but I think this is because I left it too long then demanded too much too abruptly. Need to dial this in more smoothly and non conflict. I’ll have some sort of report on this for next weeks OYS. Advice on this appreciated.

Finance: Biggest area of neglgence on my part. We both make a solid income, good benefits and pension plan. Some debt that hasn’t budged in a few years. periodically make an effort to tidy up finances and organize things but needs consistent effort and accountability which is my big weakness. Formal budget and plan by end of month, with monthly reviews ongoing (see MoM March Goal #2). Started on getting that together as per MoM, but more than a days work for sure.

Family: I’m surrounded by women and a haze of fucking estrogen. So many feelz. So many needs. Much better at boundaries and management of their endless talking now. Teenage kids need my attention, I want to dial that in better for both of them, some weekly individual together time. Overall good relationship with both of them one is more demanding and dramatic than the other; the other is the one I need to make an effort to give attention to.

Friends/Social: Happy with this; part of a big group with a monthly event and a few big summer events. Also have various friends can go out with for beers/coffee/movies. Two “would help me bury the body” buddies and a bunch of solid guys that would help me move.

edit:formatting

[–]JudgeDoom69 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

15%BF (by appearance)

If you want a more precise BF% using a tape measure, this site has a calculator:

http://www.shapefit.com/calculators/body-fat-estimator-calculator.html

I have verified the results with a BF caliper and the results are the same.

Had meditation practice for many years

Can you recommend a good guide to get started with meditation?

Finance: Biggest area of neglgence on my part.

It helps to pay for everything with an ATM card and then download your bank statement to a spreadsheet monthly to total up how much you are spending in each category, it is an eye-opener.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thanks; will do the tape BF% method tonight.

Have a good finance modelling system at my bank site just trying to tie in another credit card. I want to have a draft of my budget together this weekend.

Can you recommend a good guide to get started with meditation?

Just posted a comment on that, repasted here:

If you want to start meditating, choose a specific program and commit to it for a set period, preferably more than a month. Fuckarounditis of the mind with starting meditators is common, trying different stuff, not getting much traction, like going into the gym for 10 minutes a day and screwing around randomly with weights and machines and expecting to get strong. I favour guided meditations for beginners, the HeadSpace app is a solid intro to mindfulness meditation and the first 10 sessions are free. It’s secular as well so no off-putting woo-woo stuff.

[–]redmountainpill 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

The age-old problem of "What to do with a fat wife." Some have suggested leading more. Being passive rarely works. And being demanding usually blows up, like you've found. I've seen some success by bringing the whole family to competitions. Not sure if you're training for a triathlon or other endurance race, but setting a goal as a family may work. Obviously have her do a shorter distance than you to make it fun for her.

In the end, I've found women in general suck at fitness. They aren't wired to be competitive or adventurous. I can totally see myself bailing once the kids are old enough so I don't have to spend my day to day life with a homebody.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Nice starting OYS. Finances is probably the simplest. Pay yourself first. Savings come first, ideally direct deposit into something not liquid like 401k or IRA.

There’s my accountability problem again; holding her accountable historically has led to blowups but I think this is because I left it too long then demanded too much too abruptly. Need to dial this in more smoothly and non conflict.

A lot of us are struggling with this one way or another. I am becoming more and more convinced that only her hamster can lead her to a better spot; not you directly. Indirectly, by example and application of dread her hamster might talk her into loosing weight.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

A lot of us are struggling with this one way or another. I am becoming more and more convinced that only her hamster can lead her to a better spot; not you directly. Indirectly, by example and application of dread her hamster might talk her into loosing weight.

Agreed. I have been at DL6 for years now. Will consider trying some active pickup. My SMV is far above hers, has been for a long time, and she's still not moving on this.

However; she is hypersensitive to any mental states on my part that may affect her entitlements. One day at yoga younger woman "bumped into" me twice and I started a conversation. Had a nice chat, didn't number close. Came home and was reading stuff on my phone. Wife asked; who are you texting. Never asks that. Other examples too. Spidey sense for potential threats oblivious otherwise. That may get her more engaged.

edit; nomeclature, details

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (12子コメント)

 

This space intentionally left blank.

 

General Musings:
Well, I lost my shit pretty hard this week. As I was doing it, I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I gleefully did it anyway. I don't know why I enjoy being angry so much. Something for me to think about.

[–]bogeyd6MRP MODERATOR 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Hahaha, !!! , you are cracking me up. It's called retardation when you know to stop and don't. Yet the call to anger is ringing in your ears. Nothing wrong with anger if it's righteous anger. It helps everyone in the family to see you get anger at something they know you should be angry at. The children also pay close attention to how you deal with that anger. For me, its usually some cuss words, throwing my hands up, and then dealing with the source. My children don't need to hear me cuss.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Yet the call to anger is ringing in your ears. Nothing wrong with anger if it's righteous anger.

Oh, yes, it was righteous anger. Was it merited? No. In retrospect, it was a very rough week, which I should have been able to handle, and a big fat covert contract that threw me over the cliff.

But I knew what I was doing wasn't productive. Yet I don't regret it. I did it, I knew better, maybe I can learn something from this though.

[–]stonepimpletilistsHARD CORE NAVY RED 5 ポイント6 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Feelings suck that way, and I'd treat them like a would anything I indulge in, that is a DLV/emotional thing. No one else needs to see them.

On the few occasions where I'm particularly Ornery, I do say flat out that I'm leaving for a minute, have my moment, and come back when I'm finished jerking my anger off.

The big difference I find. I can get angry, that's part of being a man, it's what we do. But doing it in front of everyone, like some form of theater, well, that validation seeking, and I don't really care how they react, this one is for me.

I am angry, you will acknowledge!

In the same vein of me being my own judge for my actions, I take my frustrations, and keep them to myself too. They don't get these, and I sure as fuck don't need someone to what... placate me? Cower in fear? get angry back? give me a hug? Now I'm not saying to bottle it up, that's not good either. Take it out on the iron, do something productive to address what I'm angry over. If it's someone scratching my car, then walk up and smoke him in the face e.g.

Fuck that, there's a part of me thats mine, and I don't want to share it. Surely not with someone in my fucking house.

.02

[–]2gunsgetsomeMRP APPROVED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Solid fucking comment.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Thanks for the comment. I have some thinking to do.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 4 ポイント5 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I don't know why I enjoy being angry so much.

uhhh, your ego on parade and endorphin release. I used to be this so much. Never really took it out on the fam directly; but they got to see it plenty. Road rage, line rage, not having my way rage . . . not to mention should have been fired several times at work over the years due to release of anger. I really let it all go about a year before discovering TRP (age ~46). At the root of anger is your ego feeling that life is not being fair to you; and that you somehow deserve better. Just think to yourself, do I really care, what would I think about this situation an hour or day from now? It worked for me.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

uhhh, your ego on parade and endorphin release

I had my suspicions about this. Next time, I may take a naltrexone to block the intrinsic reinforcement.

At the root of anger is your ego feeling that life is not being fair to you; and that you somehow deserve better. Just think to yourself, do I really care, what would I think about this situation an hour or day from now? It worked for me.

Interesting take on things. Thanks.

[–]DownVoteForDickPic 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (4子コメント)

I feel you. See my OYS this week and every week. Last week I decided fuck it and let my anger out. Frankly it's a supply and demand thing for me. If I get angry at everything then it lowers the perceived value of my anger. If I am sparing about when I exhibit it, then its stock goes up and its taken more seriously.

Think about it, if someone who is a cool cucumber gets pissed at you, they probably will register your complaint. But if you're always ticked off, then what could possibly be out of the ordinary. Humans pay the most attention to contrast... so screaming and cussing and puffing your chest is supposed to get their attention right? Well not if you do it all fucking day.

Going Rambo like they say here isn't really Rambo in the movies at all. In the movies Rambo lies in wait, calculating, low on ammo, outnumbered, he has to be sparing in his confrontations. Rambo is actually more of a spy, sniper and trap-builder, because he'll get his ass kicked if he just ran in there without a plan.

/u/bogeyd6 is right. When I do what I know doesn't work it's literally retardation, literally slowness, as in I am retarding growth by repeating the past mistakes. Lose that shit. You can do it.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Yeah, I need to keep working on not getting pissed off in the first place. Admittedly, it's a lot less common now than it was. Once the anger grabs hold, I can't seem to escape it. Thankfully, I don't go really nuts, but my broken frame is obvious to see.

[–]SeamusAwl 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Get a punching bag. It does wonders for my aggression. I had one (pretty much unused) early on in my nofap and my aggressiveness skyrocketed. Coming home from work one day i was getting seething mad (mad as in crazy angry). For even the slightest of things. Before i got home i realized i need to punch something and not let it out on my wife and kids (verbally, not physically). I immediately changed, hit the garage, threw on the gloves and just started wailing on the thing. Wifey was bitching at me for it and looking for a sparring partner (shit test). I told her that i am trying to get my irrational aggression out and i would rather it be the bag and not her. She just stood there watching me wail on it. Later that night she initiated and when we were done she kept jumping like a baby was kicking her from the inside. She said her vag was pulsating. Only time she ever had that. Oh and my aggression was satisfied as well.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

You know, you aren't the first person to recommend this course of action. My workout room is a bit cramped at the moment, I may have to organize better and find a spot.

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

she might have had her first non clitoral orgasm.

[–]Meliorare93 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (15子コメント)

Personal/social: Almost no free time this week, managed to squeeze in some party time on Saturday. Went to a rave, totally sober btw. Got back at home at 0430 and was back at work at 1300. Work hard play hard :) managed to finish the preparations for my radioshow too, which almost failed, perhaps I have to move to a biweekly show instead of a weekly show since I don't have a lot of free time because of my side gig. Making music time is also non existing lately, was hoping to finish an album before the summer but that will probably not work :(

Work/Career: Coping with stress went better this week, embraced the "IDGAF" attitude which helped. The sidegig is 90% complete, the customers are happy and so am I. Will propose to rebuild their website too in a couple of weeks hopefully they'll agree with the proposal so I can earn some more money :)

Family: It's obvious I can't trust my wife with anything administrative. Will have to take on all the responsibilities apparently or follow up even more. For the rest everything went fine had some family time which was nice. Still no sex though, but didn't engage either. Which I could say I don't give a fuck about it but I really dread being rejected when engaging... Her hamster went berserk this weekend when suddenly three couples we know were splitting or had already split not that she became more interested in me or something but she did get scared I was going to leave too.

Spiritual: Irregular meditation schedule

Financial: Rough month, renovations, furniture etc but still everything in the budget

Mind/intellect: Squeezed in some reading time for WISNIFG (no more facebook on the shitter :p just reading)

Physical/health: Didn't find the time to squeeze in some lifting, just some quick body weight exercise, looks like I'll have some time this week to start again.

[–]bogeyd6MRP MODERATOR 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (7子コメント)

We make time for what we consider important.

[–]RuleZeroDADMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Is lifting even important, Bro? Guess not with the initiating either...Went dancing though. Wheeeeee!

[–]Meliorare93 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

yeah had great fun, wheeeeeee :p

[–]Meliorare93 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Idd, the side gig was the most important now

[–]SeamusAwl 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Yup. My new job has me starting 2 hours earlier than my old. I now wake up earlier to lift. Tired as hell and zero motivation, i was still able to hit most of my usual routine before i had to get ready for work.

[–]bogeyd6MRP MODERATOR 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Im the complete opposite. I like hitting the gym after a long day. When I don't have the energy and motivation. I dig deep and I hit the iron. When I hit my goals, and its a stress relief. On the worst days its just one more thing gone wrong.

[–]drty_pr 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (1子コメント)

On the worst days

Chances are you still get your dick sucked though...

[–]drty_pr 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

I really dread being rejected when engaging

It gets easier. Only if you stop being a pussy and initiate everytime you want it though. If you're not initiating, chances are it's not something you want too much. Quick fix is lift.

Also own your shit. This whole post is little more than a humble brag about your musician lifestyle. There is no shit in it. Chances are there is shit in your life to own...

[–]Meliorare93 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Also own your shit. This whole post is little more than a humble brag about your musician lifestyle. There is no shit in it. Chances are there is shit in your life to own...

Can you elaborate?

btw I'm getting confused... there's always this talk about frame (bear with me english ain't my native language) but as far as I understand holding frame is "This is how I think, this is how I behave, these are the principles I live my life by" source: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2fdzo7/what_does_holding_frame_mean/

Well music is my frame... Music is my life... It has been since I was like 16 and I'm 36 now. If it weren't for music I wouldn't have had a wife... I wouldn't have a side gig (all my clients come from my music acquaintances)... I wouldn't have the friends I have now etc etc etc

So I really don't understand why everybody makes a fuzz about my music life style. It is who I am...

It gets easier. Only if you stop being a pussy and initiate everytime you want it though. If you're not initiating, chances are it's not something you want too much. Quick fix is lift.

Well I have been pondering about it perhaps it truly is something I don't want too much. I don't know it anymore. that's why i focus more on what makes me passionate (music, side gig, sport and other hobbies)

[–]drty_pr 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Can you elaborate?

From what I've seen so far, you seem to not fully understand the core tenants of MRP. You slack on lifting, your leadership is not where it should be, you still seem to not be focused, you're content on a dead bedroom (if you lift properly and don't jerk off too much, your T levels should go up. Or maybe you need to take a supplement) and you seem to lack...

frame

Essentially the way I view it is your ability to not be phased by any factors of your life that are beyond your control. While simultaneously owning every factor of your life that is within your control.

  • Wife is being a cunt - STFU, fog, AA and AM
  • Wife is lazy - do what needs to be done yourself, with a smile and if she gets left behind, oh well. To get your wife to follow your lead, she needs to know that you don't need her.
  • Work is stressful - leave it at work and be the man of the house when you get home
  • Losing your cool with the kid - make a conscious effort constantly to not get mad and apologize once you recognize you have
  • No time to lift - bullshit! Your life is too busy. Fuck the meditation if it means you can't hit the weights
  • Don't want sex - sexualize every encounter with your wife. Slap her ass, stare at her like a rapid dog, make out with her in the grocery store.

The music thing is cool and you can definitely play an angle from it that most guys on here don't have, but you need to abide by the system that the founders of MRP have laid out. You can't half ass it.

[–]Meliorare93 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

thx for the reply.. I prefer constructive comment then sarcastic ones, so I appreciate this!

I've been lifting again this week btw ;) a three week hiatus isn't the end of the world. I've been lifting for two years now... and it wasn't a true hiatus since I had a quick routine in the morning (50pushups/squats/crunches). I'm no couchpotato if that's what you guys think :) My side gig was just too important. It still is my priority. I want to work on my side gig so I can hopefully one day become self employed, that is more important to me then putting my d in my wife's v ;)

For the rest good points will definitely keep it in mind. Especially the loosing my cool part and leaving the stress outside the house part are things I have to work on.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Still no sex though, but didn't engage either. Which I could say I don't give a fuck about it but I really dread being rejected when engaging...

Two things first the obvious. Deer are in the woods and fish are in the water. In other words, you will go hungry if you don't initiate. Second, either your fear of rejection and butthurt/retribution that follows is epic or this report does not hold together. Your description of your life sounds attractive, you have your own frame/priorities; hard to understand why she is not more receptive to the dick?

Couple things for you to think about besides following d_p's advice (initiate often and get over the butthurt):

  • do you feel like your wife respects you? if so, why not?
  • are you fapping all the time?
  • are you getting good interest from other women (if not . . . might to want reconsider your self asses SMV)
  • any possibility she is getting dick somewhere else?

[–]Meliorare93 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

do you feel like your wife respects you? if so, why not?

Yes she respects me...

are you fapping all the time?

Not since I have a kid no, no privacy nor time

are you getting good interest from other women (if not . . . might to want reconsider your self asses SMV)

yeah sometimes get hit on when I'm at a music gig/rave but I've never engaged (white knight syndrome :p). Haven't really given it a lot of attention during daytime though.

any possibility she is getting dick somewhere else?

one never knows for sure but I don't think so...

your fear of rejection and butt hurt/retribution that follows is epic

yes it's epic... AFC style I'm afraid something I'm working on. I've engaged a couple of times this week and every-time got a no. Did not react butt hurt but I got pretty butt hurt before swallowing the pill.

So if I read my own post, study more about PUA/seducing the wife and trying to get more stoic are things to work on. Seducing looks manageable, trying stoic will be a rough one to master though

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

(white knight syndrome :p)

is conflated with

AFC style

just so you know, take the pussy off the pedestal, establish abundance mentality, and your OI will flourish. I think "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" is the most approachable and useful book on stoicism. Try running negative visualization around being rejected.

[–]DownVoteForDickPic 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I just have to say THANK YOU MRP. 3.5 months of sweat, anger and effort and now things are dislodging and starting to flow.

PHYSICAL Been weight training regularly and really cutting on calories, fats, carbs and sugars. I can't believe I was such a sugar fiend 3 months ago. Now I can't stomach a sugary object (the taste is awful) though I really crave pastries and I'm damn surrounded constantly. I have to pat myself on the back for what I don't do as much as I pat myself on the back for what I do.

My goal is to see a six pack by my birthday this April. Even if I do everything right, it might not happen. Still gonna do my best. Luckily I started at MRP with 14% BF but this six pack ain't gonna show up til around 10%. I have to do that extra set every time not just when I have the energy. Also the 100 pushups a day for Men of March is gonna put a lot of chest meat on the planet over the next 4 weeks. I'm doing the Men of March challenges and I recommend to everyone.

MENTAL

My mind is tighter than last month for sure. Self-employed and now I'm able to work solid 8 hours a day and not slack off (about 4 hours is paid client work and 4 hours is biz dev). I feel guilty posting this at 9:10am because I crave my work day to start at 9 sharp but traffic was an hour and a half today.

SPIRITUAL

Definitely lost some anger since our counseling session last week. I have a huge anger problem and I'm still angry... but now I'm angry at the problem. Having unnecessary anger is showing unnecessary weakness, if anger doesn't have a function (gym, protection, energy) then it has to go.

[–]SteelToeShitKicker 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

My goal is to see a six pack by my birthday this April. Even if I do everything right, it might not happen. Still gonna do my best. Luckily I started at MRP with 14% BF but this six pack ain't gonna show up til around 10%. I have to do that extra set every time not just when I have the energy. Also the 100 pushups a day for Men of March is gonna put a lot of chest meat on the planet over the next 4 weeks. I'm doing the Men of March challenges and I recommend to everyone.

Hate to break it to you, but you aren't likely 14% if you don't have a visible 6 pack already. Electronic scales are notoriously inaccurate measures of BF.

http://www.builtlean.com/2012/09/24/body-fat-percentage-men-women/

[–]redmountainpill 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yeah. Every guy is different, but at 15% I had pretty defined abs

[–]2gunsgetsomeMRP APPROVED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (6子コメント)

Own Your Shit 03-07-2017

Mission Statement: With an understanding of the variables under my control, I will continuously strive to improve myself, becoming the man I want to be, choose the life I want, and live it deliberately. Variables not under my control will be ignored or circumvented.

The Man I want to be:

  • Professionally skillful and confident- Current grade B. Action: maintain.
  • Socially skillful and confident- Current grade A. Social life has been busy. Played some gigs, took some trips. Action: maintain.

  • Displays congruence between my internalization of actual physical, social, and professional achievement and my outward projection of value. Current grade A. Action: maintain

  • Competent, knowledgeable, and proficient in a broad variety of practical skills and topics. Current grade A. Learned a couple useful new things through some training at work recently. Making my way through Practical Female Psychology. Action: maintain.

  • Calm, comfortable, and composed regardless of the situation I find myself in or what people are doing around me. Current grade A. Action: maintain

  • The rad-est divorced dad on the planet. Current grade B+. Weekends with my boys are filled with awesome shit.

  • A top-tier specimen of classic masculine physique and style. Current grade B. 36yo, 6’3”, 188lbs, 12% bf. Dysmorphia is fucking brutal; When I’m slightly bigger from bulking, I dream of being shredded, but the second I’m not puffy while cutting, I can only think of getting bigger. Goal is to get down to 10%, which should be ~183 lb.

[Lifting] For this cut, I switched to 3x5 on main lifts and alternating with 3x10 @70% of 1RM. I deloaded at the start of the cut but I’m back to my working weight on everything.

[Diet] On point, cutting at -1 lb per week. I cut my carb intake way down (not keto, but <20%) and doing IF. Down 5 lbs and abs are finally starting to show. I cut down on drinking (only one per session, and only when I’m out). Still on creatine and taking Yohimbine HCL.

[Style] I had some budget surplus due to some OT at work so I went on another upgrade binge. I picked up some Allen Edmonds St. Johns’ (oxblood double monk straps), found a sharp, slim-fitting black wool peacoat and some V-neck sweaters on sale, grabbed a darker pair of boat shoes, and a couple new colors of chinos. My spring look is going to be fly.

  • Sexually desired by which ever woman I choose to share my attention and energy with. Current grade A.

[Plate 3] The sex with her is the best I’ve ever had (but I know I can get great sex elsewhere). Outside of the bedroom, I really enjoy her company and she contributes value to the "live an adventurous life of activity" part of my mission. Upgraded her to girlfriend.

After my last dating app reset (while I was still fucking P3 and P4), I had a deluge of interest from hot women. I went on a bunch of dates, made out with a bunch of them, fucked one 23yo HB9, and pretty much convinced myself that abundance is fucking real. However, over the last month, I’ve found myself without the desire to fuck everything hot with a pussy and wanting to spend my time with P3. In my hamstering to myself, I decided that knowing I can go hook up with another woman in a matter of days is just as good as actively doing it. So, I deleted the apps and told P4 we could be friends, but the sex had to stop.

I didn’t tell P3 this, or make a big production out of “hey, now we’re exclusive”, I just did it. A couple weeks ago at a social event, I introduced her as “my girlfriend”. She got all giggly and later asked me about it. I responded with “That’s how I think of you” and left it at that. Since then, her already ridiculous enthusiasm for sex and life-adventures has increased, along with the lingerie-wearing and feminine efforts to please me outside the bedroom. I’d been messing with her butt during sex for a while and last week she went on her own and bought an anal-trainer kit. I still lead our adventures and game the shit out of her.

I’m still flirty and friendly with women I meet IRL, even N-closed one at the climbing gym last night, but I’m quite satisfied with the current situation. P3 (now GF) is definitely aware of my ability for abundance, and pre-selection is strong. We were both looking really good at a social event recently and I got shamelessly hit on multiple times, right in front of her. A couple of these women were hotter than her. We walked into a restaurant on a date last week and one of her girlfriends happened to be there and came to greet us. (GF told me) Friend was there with another woman who pointed me out (“Whoa, look at that… man!) as we walked in. Friend said “he looks familiar. Oh, it’s (2guns) and (GF)!”

The Life I want:

  • Employed in a situation with growth potential- Current grade B. Was asked to lead the development of one of my niche skills into a program for company-wide implementation. Action: maintain.
  • Operates with autonomy in the workplace- Current grade A. New primary project is underway and I’ve been conducting training sessions for the topics I explored when billable work was slow. Action: maintain.
  • Operates with autonomy in my personal life- Current grade A. Action: maintain.
  • Surrounded by minimal but meaningful possessions chosen for their quality, immediate usefulness, or intrinsic value. Current grade B. I compromised my desire for minimalism in my apartment by buying and populating a shelf/drawer thing for my kids’ toys to be out where they can see them. Compared to the previous solution (closet), it’s actually been easier to get them to keep the space uncluttered when they can see where the toys go.

  • Socially active. Current grade B. Action: Maintain

  • Physically active. Current grade A. Ran, climbed and skied, alone and with GF. Thinking about signing up for a mud run / obstacle event.

  • Actively engaged in a variety of stimulating hobbies. Current grade A. Calendar is full of shit I like to do and trips I’ve planned. Action: Maintain.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Current grade B. 36yo, 6’3”, 188lbs, 12% bf. Dysmorphia is fucking brutal;

take it easy on yourself man, I have had this discussion with steeltoekicker before but I don't get this whole dysmorphia thing. Are you showing muscle definition and vascularity in your arms and legs?

pretty much convinced myself that abundance is fucking real.

good, because it is very real . . . bitches are hungry. Dick may be cheap; but good dick is expensive.

I didn’t tell P3 this, or make a big production out of “hey, now we’re exclusive”, I just did it.

Really nice work here; and looks like you're maintaining frame/game well. Curious as to how long it will take before she starts comfort testing?

[–]2gunsgetsomeMRP APPROVED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Are you showing muscle definition and vascularity in your arms and legs?

I have prominent vascularity on my biceps, forearms, and obliques / Adonis belt. Definition is pretty good all around on upper body. Legs don't have either of those, but I'm pretty hairy so maybe it's just obscured.

As far as the dysmorphia, it's for sure all in my head. I measured my chest, arms, waist, shoulders, etc and they're all the same size as they were, but for whatever reason, I don't look "swole" to my own eyes. I want to look jacked AND shredded, damnit ;) (without riding the Tren train…)

Curious as to how long it will take before she starts comfort testing?

I've gotten a couple very light ones, both times when she was too sore to fuck in the morning after an intense session the night before, even though we both wanted to. (The "I'm worried I can't keep up with you" kind of test). The first time, I winked and said "We better keep practicing then", gave her a forehead kiss and ass-pat, then left for work. When I went to her place later, she had a glass of my favorite whiskey waiting for me and was cooking dinner (something she usually doesn't do). The second time I just said "Don't be silly" and went on with the morning. Of course, both times, we banged it out later.

[–]weakandsensitive 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Gf done right. Don't see that much tbh

[–]RuleZeroDADMRP APPROVED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Yep. Went shopping, saw what he wanted after sampling many comparables, took home with no fanfare. Recognizes replacements are readily available and has no current buyers remorse.

Oh, and the shoes were a good choice too.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Still on creatine and taking Yohimbine HCL.

both at the same time?

[–]2gunsgetsomeMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Not in the same drink. I take the YHCL with water when I wake up and the creatine in a whey shake mid-afternoon.

[–]JudgeDoom69 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (7子コメント)

Owning my Shit Weekly

Intro: 51 yo, 5’11”, Married 10 yrs to hot 32 yo BPD cunt

IMPROVING – Physical

Starting weight 204, Current weight 179, Body Fat 17%.

Goal 15% body fat and then see how it looks, need to see those elusive abs

Gym 3 or 4 days per week

Completed C25K

Run 3 miles to warm up and then lift Nautilus full body workout (I’ll graduate to free weights after building up some basic strength)

Eating clean and logging on MFP religiously

No booze (if you struggle with this like I did, read This Naked Mind using the free download on r/stopdrinking sidebar, it is a game changer)

No smut, no fap since 3/1/2017, men of March challenge. Balls turning a nice shade of blue.

105 push-ups every day, in three subsets of 35

Sleep – Put a locking knob on the br door to keep the toddler out. Started taking Ropinirole for RLS. Sleeping much better now

Wearing nice dress clothes and shoes to work (previously had slacked off to jeans and golf shirts)

Set up a calendar to get a haircut every three weeks, keeping other shit trimmed up, started rinsing my sinuses daily with a neti-pot (it’s great shit), changed colognes from Curve to C.O. Bigalow (wife doesn’t “like it”, tough shit). Bleaching teeth almost daily.

WEAK- Social

This is one of my weakest areas. I’m an introvert around new people and don’t make new friends easily. I have basically one close (married, beta) friend, and we meet once per week for wings and then go to a league activity. I need to expand my network of friends and find an additional social activity, maybe take Tae Kwan Do back up (I was red-belt-decided a couple years ago), or find a BJJ or Yoga class.

IMPROVING – Family

I was the quintessential Drunk Captain for many years, and I’m working on leaving that in the past.

Organized a fun build your own pizza night (thank you /u/TheFamilyAlpha men of March posts), went to my son’s all-day wrestling meet, ran the homeowners meeting as president, cleaned the entire house as a family (sans lazy wife), took everyone on a hike to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather, and did a build-your-own sundae bar after Sunday supper.

WEAK – Financial

Despite making a very good income from my job and investment properties, we live paycheck to paycheck. We have a ton of credit card debt and the interest alone is a hefty sum each month and we are spinning our wheels.

Recently I re-took over the finances by establishing a separate bank account for income and bill paying, and I give the compulsive-spending-wife a fixed allowance (she has fought this tooth and nail, threatens divorce at least weekly, I just say “bring it on”.)

I download all expenses monthly and put together a complete financial report so I can see where the money is going. We were spending over $1100 per month on restaurants and over $1000 shopping online.

I cut back on the cable channels, fired the cleaning lady, installed programmable thermostats, budgeted for restaurants, and started grocery shopping at Aldi. Applied for a low-APR debt consolidation loan, and only qualified for a fraction of the debt because my debt is too debty (well no shit that’s why I applied, it seems loans are for people that don’t need money). Travel one day per week for work (reimbursed mileage adds a couple hundred per week).

Still looking for other ways to cut costs and boost income.

IMPROVING – Spiritual

Got the family back to going to Sunday Mass (Catholic) after many months of being too lazy to go. Wednesday evening (tonight) we will go to confession as a family. I’d like to start meditating daily, not sure where to start.

WEAK – Marriage

This has been in the shitter for three years now, and is probably not recoverable/too far gone. I found MRP too late and started my MAP too late. Bedroom is as dead as a doornail. We both have consulted with lawyers. We have stopped wearing our wedding rings. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll be a better man than I was before, regardless of the outcome.

I’ve been passing her frequent shit tests. Usually I’ll just laugh her off and STFU, and she’ll call me Arrogant. I increasingly hear myself saying “don’t talk to me that way” and “get your own drink”. Reaction has been two-fold, she wigs out in the short term, and then does a review of accumulated shit tests later on, as a new aggregate shit test, expecting me to apologize, which I don’t. I try to fog her, but I need to work on this since it comes across as artificial and rehearsed. I have been able to hold my frame of amused mastery, and it drives her bat-shit crazier.

Interestingly she has actually started cooking supper again occasionally. Usually it a carb-filled delicious meal with plenty of potatoes or rice. I suspect she wants to fatten me back up to my former puffy-beta punk ass self, so I just eat a controlled portion.

Reading List

No More Mr Nice Guy, Robert Glover

Married Man Sex Life Primer, Athol Kay

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, M. Smith (Brutal read btw, there’s got to be a better assertiveness book out there)

The Rational Male, Rollo Tomassi

The Mindful Attraction Plan, AthOl Kay

The Sixteen Commandments of Poon

The Book of Pook (currently reading)

Saving a Low Sex Marriage

The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida

The 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene

The Sex God Method, Daniel Rose

I listen to the /u/BluepillProfessor on YouTube while driving. That shit is GOLDEN. Excellent review of key concepts and very practical advice. I hope he continues to post videos.

Criticism welcomed

[–]discobolus_ 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Wearing nice dress clothes and shoes to work (previously had slacked off to jeans and golf shirts)

Keep this up. Nothing says beta dad like golf shirts at the office.

[–]JDRoedell 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Looking way better than most new OYS posters. Your focus and center seem to be in the right place.... on you.

[–]weakandsensitive 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Interestingly she has actually started cooking supper again occasionally. Usually it a carb-filled delicious meal with plenty of potatoes or rice. I suspect she wants to fatten me back up to my former puffy-beta punk ass self, so I just eat a controlled portion.

Why the fuck are you eating shit you don't want to eat?

[–]JudgeDoom69 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

That's a good point. Eating empty carbs just because I'm shocked and grateful that she actually got off her lazy ass and got a fucking pan dirty is a total bitch move.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

BPD cunt

Lot of evidence around these parts there are two types of BPD cunts: real mental illness (she was always this way, and your a dumbass for marrying her) and beta overdose induced BPD cunt. Which one do you have? If it is the first, your entire MAP should be built around "Escape from BPD Cunt".

it seems loans are for people that don’t need money

lmao, in other news water is wet. Nice oys, you clearly have identified the reds. Only complete dumbfucks have any debt that is not business, mortgage, or car related (and the only reason car is on the list is because they give away the $$$ for cars). I would take eating out and any other frivolous bullshit to zero until the CC debt is zero. I wrote the above before I got to your "we both threaten divorce" part. In that case; double fucking down on shutting down the spending. In the divorce, you'll get the debt and she will get the assets; plus you need to reduce her "cost".

threatens divorce at least weekly, I just say “bring it on”

lmao #2, have papers ready (you) or STFU

With where your at, I would recommend another dose of WISNIFG before proceeding to new material. Your in hand to hand combat at this point.

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

In the divorce, you'll get the debt and she will get the assets; plus you need to reduce her "cost".

This shit triggers me so bad.

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

did you consider peer to peer lending?

[–]redPillOnHard 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Goal - Kick life in the ass. Look back in 50 years and be proud of my actions and accomplishments.

Health - Was healthy last week and back to full exercise schedule. Still 5 pounds away from my goal of 240. Need to hit that by next Tuesday. Will focus on eating healthy this week. I tend to snack late afternoon. I need to cut that out.

Parenting - Wife was out of town for 3 days at a conference. Kids and I had a great time. Hit all their after school activities Thurs/Friday. Took the dog to a dog park. Karate and play dates on Saturday. Scheduled sitter and went out with buddies to watch fights Saturday night. I have no doubt I can raise the kids on my own long term. They had fun and I enjoy the dedicated time with them. Its nice to have a first mate around to handle this stuff day to day, but I got it easily when needed. There was one melt down, which I handled pretty well. Encouraged my daughter to step up deal with her emotions and move forward. It took a while, but she did. Wife came home Sunday, and we had a good family day together at the beach.

Frame - Shit test storm hit as wife was leaving for her trip. I had gone to BJJ the night before. She was pissed, because she didn't get her packing done because I didn't stay home to put kids to bed so she could pack. (this is BS, she could have gotten it done but needed something to bitch at me about) Came at me for her stress and being late to leave and pissed that I was working out so much (also got up at 5 to hit gym). I know she was really feeling bad about leaving and one of the kids cried as she dropped her at school which upset wife. She redirected these emotions at me. I should have just left the house when she started getting pissy, but I felt like she needed the "rock" to be around long enough for her to get her emotions under control. Not sure if this was the right thing to do and when she started yelling, I should have left. It ended OK. I didn't go in her frame too much, and I set her up for a successful business trip by letting her rage a little and get through it. Call me out if this was a beta bitch move. Pre mRP, this would have been a complete shit show as I DEER'd why I went to BJJ and all the other stuff I do around the house. Kept my mouth shut this time. Don't need her validation.

Sex - Not much here, she was basically out of town for 4 days. Wasn't really interested in initiating this week, shark week.

[–]drty_pr 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Frame

You did alright here. You're still in her frame judging by your carez and feelz. Keep it up though man. Suddenly, a DGAF attitude appears and although she may say she hates it she won't.

[–]redmountainpill 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I have a hard time calibrating when to leave and when to be the "rock". Usually it's a no-win situation either way. I've found that best to make an attempt to spend quality time with the wife, even when she's hormonal and pissy. Otherwise I'm just avoiding my problems. Every job has times we don't enjoy.

[–]discobolus_ 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Good:

Lifting: Hit a major goal in the weight room this weekend: Put 250 lbs on the bar, cleaned it to my shoulders, and pressed it overhead. No bullshit extra leg kick or cheating...the bar started at my clavicles and I strict pressed it. I'm not an overly excitable guy, but I let out a scream in my basement for that one....250 was a pie in the sky goal when I started getting back into shape a few years ago. As recently as September of 2016, my best press was a 4 reps @ 205.

Frame: I find myself thinking "what is the redpill way to handle this" very little anymore. It's taken a while, but I trust myself to judge my own actions. And if I don't like how I handle a situation, I look to myself rather than how it made someone else feel or think of me.

Bad:

Diet: I'm eating well on weekdays, but weekends have degenerated into cheat fests after I got my workouts done. This weekend, a family bonfire/cookout led to me slamming multiple smores and devouring a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. I've been losing the weekend cheat weight/bloat during the subsequent week pretty easily, but don't like the sloppiness. Eating shitty makes me act lazy.

Home: I've been lazy lately. Evenings have become less reading and more garbage TV watching. I'm not an anti-TV zealot, but once I settle in for a little TV few consecutive days, it turns into a habit really quickly. One show turns into 3-5, one day becomes every day, etc. I have a newish project I have intended to get started on, and I'm flat out sabotaging myself by procrastinating in this manner.

[–]The_LitzMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm eating well on weekdays, but weekends have degenerated into cheat fests

The cheat day becomes the cheat weekend. So starting on friday night through to sunday night you are basically exceeding your calorie requirements 3 out of 7 seven days. Dangerous trap.

[–]whizit 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

My first OYS, I am trying to figure out structure and what to say to try not to victim puke and format my thoughts and actions. Thanks to people who posting as I based by template off of their posts.

Mission: My mission is to lead a life where I am healthier, wealthier, smarter, stronger, wiser, more traveled and charitable than I was yesterday while limiting my interaction with overly dramatic and manipulative people. My end goals are financial independence and living a happy, simple, and rewarding life doing as I please. Honor, my body, mind, and life, Be unrecognizable in 6 months and get uncomfortable..

Background: Starting following MRP in November 2016. Married 24 years, 2 Grown kids that live hours away. We got married basically within months of meeting. She got pregnant within the fisrt few dates. I was a textbook Mr Nice Guy and did everything for them or so I thoght. Introverted but trying to force my way to be more communicative when possible. I have no issue with being with myself. I never felt like I was in a marriage, feels more like a room mate agreement as I do not feel any intimacy but I know that is my fault now. I had a 2 year affair that I ended in August 2016. I was looking for intimacy and physicality but go tired of the put downs, emotional abuse, and the feeling that no value was being added to my life from AP. OPutty this in writing will help me how to proceed in all aspects of my life. I need to work on internalizing what I have read and consumed and get uncomfortable so I can grow. I have never noticed Shit/Comfort test from my wife that I can . I just don't understand our marriage but I am here to find out. I definitely saw tests from AP.

  • Strengths: reliable, Wow, There has to be more.
  • Weaknesses: Diet, Second Guessing/Perfectionism, social skills

Reading: Currently reading The Way of Men. I need to reread some of the below to better internalize the concepts. Finished since 11/2016 NMMNG, The Manipulated Man, The Book of Pook, WISNIFG, MMSLP, Ironwood Chronicles, SGM, Iceberg Slim: PIMP, Anatomy of Female Power, Men on Strike, The Game, Practical Female Psychology, Might is Right, Red Queen, Predatory Female, Self Reliance, Be Fucking Awesome, Sperm Wars, The Rational Male

Fitness/Diet - 5’11, late 40’s, 194.2 lbs. BF (27.1 by online calculator i used) - Gym started 11/26/2016, Starting Strength started 1/21/17 with Bar only: BP: 115lbs 3x5, SQ: 145lbs 3x5 , DL: 215lbs 2x5 , OHP: 95lbs 3x5, ROWS: 95lbs BP (Smith machine): 135lbs 3x5 - Diet, Diabetic so same diet as always but could be better. I can tell body is changing composition to more muscle, - Men of March: 100 Daily Pushups - I do the meal planning and cooking 6 nights a week. I Need to start macro tracking but I find it confusing and need to educate myself this week.

Career: 19 years IT field, bored, I keep an updated resume. Honestly, I do not know how to proceed this is not what I want to do.I want to find a way to generate passive income but drwaing a blank. I have skills but my perfection issue kicks in again. Figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Sex: 1/1 this week. I usually get sex when I initiate. Starfish and I am working on this by bettering myself and the experience.

Social: Nothing planned so I am failing at this.

Family: Starting to research plane tickets cost to visit daughter this July/August.I gave wife and daughter the heads up that I was planning a trip. Saw son a few weeks ago. I will send them texts today to check up on them since they do not like voice calls that much.

Finance: I increased monthly contribution to mutual Funds after analyzing during Men of March Challenge. Budget shows nice surplus. I pay more than minimums on kid's college loan but it is a big thorn in my side that needs to get paid off. I am scared of not having any spending money is another thing I noticed is a challenge for me. End goal is financial independence but how can I do that.

Spiritual/Mental: Been thinking about starting meditation as a way to clear my mind. I will start with 20 minutes meditation today. One thing I figured out due to the introspection of the Men of March challenge is that I have a phobia of not completing everything I attempt with perfection. If I do not think I can do it perfect then I will not attempt. I am trying to work on this but it is tough by just starting a task. Also, overwhelmed by the amount of tasks and how to ever start. I started a goal list to help with accomplishing some tasks.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (2子コメント)

If you want to start meditating, choose a specific program and commit to it for a set period, preferably more than a month. Fuckarounditis of the mind with starting meditators is common, trying different stuff, not getting much traction, like going into the gym for 10 minutes a day and screwing around randomly with weights and machines and expecting to get strong.

I favour guided meditations for beginners, the HeadSpace app is a solid intro to mindfulness meditation and the first 10 sessions are free. It’s secular as well so no off-putting woo-woo stuff.

edit:

And re: your perfectionism, you will feel you suck at it and it will be a struggle. To extend the gym analogy losing focus on the object of attention (breath, thoughts, whatever) is inevitable, becoming aware of it and returning attention is the "rep" of the exercise. Every time you do that you're getting better at it, getting stronger at placing your attention.

[–]whizit 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Thank you for the Headspace App recommendation. I completed my first session last night and looking forward to today's. Stopping the mind from thinking is a hard task.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Stopping the mind from thinking is a hard task.

keep at it man, it gets easier or more accurately you get better

[–]toronto-mrp 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Re: Meditation. My experience is that there is no "perfect" way to do it, and you'll have to get used to that. Even 5 minutes of trying not to let your thoughts drift away on you can feel like failure if you set the bar at "Think of nothing for 5 minutes". Meditation is exploration, and simply engaging in it is the marker or success.

I also have a goal list since starting OYS last week and find it's very centering. Something I can look to when I don't know what to do with myself.

[–]boaatt 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

OYS070317

Third OYS post.

———

A. Career/Studies

Been an OK week. I can do better. I just about hit my goal of 25 hours, but it’s not enough. I am doing a course on how to learn better (retain more information and learn more efficiently).

———

B. Personal Finance

Been reading my 5 pages a day of finance! Happy with that. Will keep that goal constant for now. I made a budget. I did NOT track my expenses yet, so I am catching up on that this week. Sunday is my personal finance review day, and I need to honor that.

———

C. Fitness and Diet

Still have a shit body. My main meals are okay, but can certainly be better. Snacking still needs to stop. Training needs to happen. I did start running again. I did not get a gym membership. Fuck me on all accounts. I am reading a book on habits to gain some insight on what is actually the fuck going on in my head when I feel I need to eat shit.

———

D. Being Fun and Social

Went to a play and brought my girl with me. That was really fun. Other than that not much happened. Still need to find or create opportunities to be more social.

———

E. Meditation and Inner peace

Did not meditate the past week. Reducing it to a minute a day to get the habit going. Looking for a piano instructor, still have not gotten any response on emails.

———

F. Frame

I did not read a single page of WISNIFG. Loaded it onto my phone so I can read while commuting. Did okay in real life, but still I sometimes don’t have a response and just fall silent (unless falling silent is really retarded).

————————

Tasks completed:

  • [x] 25 hours of school work
  • [x] Read 5 pages finance every day
  • [x] Calculate how many hours I need to work each week to fulfill my budget (exclude lump sums)
  • [x] Do at least two things at home without being asked for it, and ASAP after noticing it.

Tasks partially completed:

  • [ ] Liquidate 20% of my stocks to set up a proper emergency fund
  • [ ] Make a plan to mitigate my shin troubles
  • [ ] Catch up on my workload, and lead by example so SO does her workload.

Tasks not started:

  • [ ] Make career plan with SMART goals
  • [ ] Get a gym membership
  • [ ] Purchase fat caliper
  • [ ] Plan out expenses and two possible time slots for vacation
  • [ ] Read up to page 144/A quarter through of WISNIFG

Tasks dropped/changed:

  • [ ] Meditate 5 minutes every day (Changed to one minute)
  • [ ] Take initiative with the guys to go fishing (Too high workload the next two weeks)
  • [ ] Liquidate 20% of my stocks to set up a proper emergency fund (Too large losses. Will wait until next quarter.)
  • [ ] Read up to page 144/A quarter through of WISNIFG

Tasks to be completed this week:

  • [ ] Make career plan with SMART goals
  • [ ] Read 5 pages finance every day
  • [ ] Get a gym membership
  • [ ] Make a plan to mitigate my shin troubles
  • [ ] Purchase fat caliper
  • [ ] Do at least two things at home without being asked for it, and ASAP after noticing it.
  • [ ] Catch up on my workload
  • [ ] Do this weeks workload
  • [ ] Plan out expenses and two possible time slots for vacation
  • [ ] Meditate 1 minute every day
  • [ ] Read 15 pages of WISNIFG every day

[–]toronto-mrp 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

My 2nd OYS.

TL;DR: I bit off more than I could chew and lost track of all the goals I had for the month, by trying to stay true to my previous (and 1st) OYS and then also thinking I could do MenOfMarch simultaneously. I've since found the MenOfMarch challenges to be things I'm already doing (minimalism, date night with girlfriend, spiritual exploration), and I've withdrawn from following it. Lesson learned: Stay organized and don't overextend if you want laser focus on goals.

Updates:

Here's where I'm at, and here's where I want to go. In order of my own priority to fix:

Career: /u/weakandsensitive rightfully called me out on delusions of grandeur last week (Thanks). This week, in addition to putting time into developing my passive income stream, I sent my resume to two jobs that would help me build skills (and $). I have in-person interviews scheduled for tomorrow and Thursday to explore these opportunities. Did I achieve my Action Items? No, I only put 3 hours into the passive income stream when I said I'd put 5. | Action Items: Continue and put 5 hours (1 per weekday) into developing the passive income stream.

Lifting/Health: I snacked much less this week but was not flawless. I only went to the gym twice since the last OYS. On Saturday I partied with my girlfriend and other friends, drank 5 units of alcohol and took a huge bong hit which put me out of commission for the night with a brutal case of the spins. I currently have no regrets about this. I saw a video of myself from Saturday and think I look great. Ideally, more muscular, but I am very happy with my current build. Did I achieve my action items? No, I never counted a single calorie. I convinced myself I didn't need to, and let other things occupy my mind instead. | Action Items: Gym 4 Times before next OYS (Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday) + Continue to eliminate snacking + Add 5 lbs to Bench Press by next OYS.

Porn: I whacked off twice on Monday, and no other times. I didn't need to, but did. Did I achieve my action items? About half the time. I didn't unplug like the router like I said I would, but I also didn't watch porn throughout the week. Instead I found other ways to be unproductive online. | Action Items: Live a more scheduled life to eliminate times when I'm bored at home alone. This is a drastically different approach than what I proposed last week but I want to try it.

Social: I had a blast with many friends on Saturday and will be meeting my best male buddy one-on-one Wednesday night. This is about the amount of social interaction I am for outside my relationship, and I am happy. Did I achieve my action items? Yes, I bought WISNIFG and began reading it. I am on Page 37. | Action Items: Continue reading WISNIFG.

Relationship: Relationship is strong as ever. Girlfriend is a little sick and I am taking care of her by preparing tea, holding her as she falls asleep, etc. I definitely toe the line between treating her like a lover (which I do) and treating her like a child by care-taking. So far (two years in), I feel like I've been hitting a perfect balance.

[–]drty_pr 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

drank 5 units of alcohol and tool a huge bong hit which put me out of commission for the night with a brutal case of the spins.

Men don't consume amounts of booze and drugs to put them to sleep. That's what pussies do. Believe me, I've been there and done that. I haven't for the 10 months I've been RP aware. Life of the party every time since.

I currently have no regrets about this.

Your girlfriend does

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I currently have no regrets about this.

I get the mix of nihilism and IDGAF. Internally, it feels like "fuck it man; I am too cool for school and partied my ass off". People around you may even seem to appreciate the party animal. People also appreciate a clown or a jester; but nobody respects that guy especially if he can't even keep his shit upright when clowning.

my boyfriend can't handle his shit, how attractive

said no woman ever in the history of time. more likely she said "I am bored, where is Chad?"

[–]LymanRP 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

Alright, first time posting on this thread, so here goes. I'm going to use the Red/Yellow/Green categorization from Athol's MAP book. I am 31 and in a rocky marriage. I am working on self-improvement to be the best man that I can be while I reevaluate my marriage and its future.

GREEN

  • Fitness: this was yellow in February, but is back on track. I'm at ~15% BF with the goal of 12%. I lift 3x per week, do Muay Thai 2x, and tennis 1x.
  • Diet: also yellow in February. I've started tracking calorie intake and macros and hit my numbers most days. I meal prep on Sunday and bring my meals to work to avoid eating out.
  • Game: I went out with some friends on Saturday night and came about as close as I could to closing 2 different girls without cheating on my wife. IDGAF mentality + lots of teasing and kino were very successful. I never had much game, so this has been a major improvement area for me as I reevaluate my marriage.
  • Sex: Wife is very responsive now and will initiate herself. Applying dread over the last few months has been successful. Sex is multiple times per week. The inhibitor here is that I lost attraction for my wife. Long story short, it had gone away beforehand because I wasn't a good captain at home. Now that I have self-improved, she has become more responsive and pleasant, but I'm also struggling with the fact that I totally lost attraction to her during the rough times, and struggling to bring it back.
  • Social Life: No shortage of plans or fun things to do.

YELLOW

  • Sleep: I need to be getting more. Currently at 6-7 during the week, 8 on weekends. Need to get an extra hour during the week. My problem is that I will usually stay up and watch Netflix or read when my wife has gone to bed so that I can enjoy some peace and quiet by myself.
  • Career: I have a good job for a very reputable company and a comfortable income, however I need to do a better job at thinking strategically about my next moves. I've been coasting too much here and need to start planning what comes next. I have started scheduling informational chats with people in my network to kick start this process.
  • Frame: This was red 1-2 months ago. Doing a much better job at holding frame, but still can improve.
  • Alcohol: I should cut back. I have a lot of European family, so red wine with dinner each evening is customary. That being said, I still put down too much during my social outings on the weekends. Extra calories that aren't helping with my fitness goals.
  • Finances: I'm not going into debt, but definitely spending too much and not saving enough. I track expenses and just need to be more disciplined.

Red

  • Dynamics at Home: I'm not doing great with comfort tests, and my wife is still pretty stressed out from the Dread that I applied over the last several months. I basically told her straight up I wasn't happy with our marriage, then made myself less available to her. This scared the crap out of her. She told me she was on the verge of leaving me (when I was checked out), and is still demanding an explanation of what happened and why I checked out. I'm trying to hold frame here but not sure how to broach this conversation, so I have been deflecting and A&A as much as possible.

[–]JDRoedell 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

If she asks again for an explanation of the changes, just say "I'm happier this way." Or "I realized something (or things) in my life was/were missing and I fixed it." Or just plain old non-DEERIng "because!" Always works too.

[–]resolutions316 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Your OYS Score was 18 this week.

This was an intense week of ups and downs. I went from having a great few days to being about 90% certain that my marriage is over.

I honestly don't know what to think or feel anymore. Mostly I just feel sick. I've detailed that in a separate post so as not to clog OYS with emotional horse shit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5y3g0d/victim_puke_negative_space/

But I'm going to own my goddamned shit no matter what, so here we go.

Frame / Assertiveness:

Not bad. Still do some DEERing, backpedaling on small, seemingly insignificant moments.

My wife and I got into a fight (as detailed here: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5xb1jq/fr_monkey_wife_fight/)

That finally came to a head later the next night, when she rolled over in bed and asked "Why do you always pretend things are fine, when they aren't?"

Long story short: The "real issue" was not the parenting issue I brought up, but the fact that I was "condescending" and "lecturing" her. She pushed, over and over, for me to apologize for how I made her feel.

Did I get sucked into her frame a bit? Yes. But I made a decision early on that I would not take responsibility for her emotions, because I can't control those - only my own actions.

I told her that while I felt bad that she felt bad, making her depressed was not my intention. I'd work harder at speaking to her in a way that she could tolerate, but that it was completely within my role as husband and father to say something if I noticed things that bother me in our family, and that I hope she would also work on listening to what I was really trying to say.

She turned away and we had no contact for the rest of the night. The next day she was in a great mood, though, and we had a fun, awesome weekend with the kids.

Attractiveness:

Overall, good. I shaved the beard shorter and like that look. Also got a haircut from the wife. Keeping well groomed. Also got a tongue scraper to improve breath.

Physicality:

Missed one lifting day this week, totally my own fault (screwed up the scheduling). Pissed about that.

Kept to the rest of the schedule, though, including two days of BJJ. Still following the program from my trainer, but not progressing because he's temporarily out from a surgery. Just holding to the plan and overall I dig it. Definitely very sore on leg days.

Sex Life:

0 sexy times.

I did have a nice bath with my wife, after our weekend with the kids - bubbles, warm water, hanging out and talking. Really enjoyed it. I specifically did NOT initiate after I leaned in once for a kiss and got a "I have a headache" comment - I didn't want to harbor a covert contract that "hey, we're in the bath together = sex." I wanted to let the evening lie, as just a pleasant experience, and that worked fine with me.

Later in the week, I had a major "a-ha" moment: I realized, in the most gut-wrenching a painful way, that:

  • my wife has never been attracted to me
  • she never will be attracted to me
  • she takes me completely and wholly for granted, and that will never change

Thus, my goal has moved entirely from "improve my sex life with my wife!" to "get divorced and start over." To say that was a gut punch would be...an understatement.

Home Life:

Did great with the kids. One of our sons turned one and we had a great birthday party - everything went very smoothly. Had tons of fun on my day to be primary parent, took the boys out to the diner for breakfast, etc.

One short instance where a crying/complaining kid got to me - balled fist, etc - but it was over almost immediately. Remained stoic during the tough times and made progress on their nap schedules. They are such fun, cool little dudes. I love them to death.

Social Life / Hobbies:

No going out this week, just wasn't able to get plans together. But I have plans to travel for band practice this weekend, and am working on getting some nights out together with friends.

Career:

My business coach essentially told me to stop inventing new lines of business and focus on selling the big ticket shit I already have. That was good and solid advice.

So, this week I focused on a few painful, but necessary changes. Got rid of our free trial (where all of our clients have started so far) to help manage the team's workflow. Put a plan in place to raise prices and unified our sales processes to funnel all potential closes through me for the time being.

Takeaways From This Week

I spent a LOT of time thinking through my own motivations behind the fight with my wife this week. lots of really helpful and insightful comments...

Overall, my takeaway was that being assertive and speaking up - leadership, in a nutshell - does not always need to take the form of overt communication. I could've led my wife in that situation by simply illustrating what was happening in the moment, rather than making it a "big thing" that then needed to be resolved.

I also saw, more clearly, the pattern my wife uses when she is defensive - she immediately turns everything around and makes it about me, about how I'm addressing the problem, rather than the problem. I am always made to feel guilty for how I feel, but that same level of attention is never turned on her. I don't even know if she knows she's doing this, but it's a hallmark of our fights, and being aware of it really helps.

GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:

  1. Research divorce in my state. Find a lawyer and set up a meeting to discuss my options.
  2. Just maintain at home. Hold steady, don't lose it. Keep my shit together.

That's it.

Tough week.

[–]discobolus_ 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

What's the general mood around your house? Are you and your wife always an inch away from killing each other, or is that just the highlights that come here?

If you're not constantly at each other's throats, /u/druganswer 's series of comments here about how you should play the nice card will take you a long way.

Resist the urge to dress her down every time you're frustrated with her. If she complains that you're lecturing, you probably are. Shut up. You'll never be able to explain to your wife why she should or shouldn't feel a certain way. Create a fun mood around the house that can't be shaken by her drama.

"I'm improving so you should want to, too" is a losing way to think about things.

If you're committed to it not ever working like you said in the vibrator thread, then I guess you can disregard. But I suspect you'll re-read your post tomorrow sometime and spot 10 different places where you sound like such a whiny bitch that even you can't find yourself attractive.

[–]HoveyC[🍰] 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

my wife has never been attracted to me she never will be attracted to me she takes me completely and wholly for granted, and that will never change Thus, my goal has moved entirely from "improve my sex life with my wife!" to "get divorced and start over." To say that was a gut punch would be...an understatement.

I dont know what your future holds. But i just wanted to tell you that i am in the same place with my wife. You are not alone.

[–]man_in_the_world 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I also saw, more clearly, the pattern my wife uses when she is defensive - she immediately turns everything around and makes it about me, about how I'm addressing the problem, rather than the problem. I am always made to feel guilty for how I feel

This is a common defense mechanism. Here's how you can shut it down. But you have to allow her the healthier defense of respecting her decision not to discuss something, if you want her to give this one up. No coaxing or shaming her to discuss it, nor bringing it up again later.

[–]son_of_petruchio 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Week 4. Getting back on the horse.

Last Week

Well, whaddayaknow? Turns out if I don't go and work out for over a week, eat lots of sugar, beat off to porn and stay up late reading pointless shit on the internet, then I relapse into a pathetic bluepill beta pussy. A few days of this and I'm back to feeling sorry for myself, completely living in my wife's frame in every interaction, acting butthurt every time she throws me the mildest shit test, talking to her about all my feelz and literally begging her to hug me and comfort me, longing for validation and approval from her and everyone else on the planet because I've convinced myself that I'm not worth jack shit to anyone. End result: a fucking great dose of self hatred rapidly turning into depression.

Fuck that shit. Finally made up my mind this afternoon to get out of that dead end. Called a physio and fixed an appointment to get my shoulder impingement dealt with, and resolved not to use it as an excuse to avoid the gym. Went to the gym. Lifted. Feel awesome.

I refuse to give up. I will win the war against mediocrity and become the best man I can possibly be.

Learn. Learn about your strengths and your weaknesses. Learn about strategy and tactics. Learn about fear and hesitation. Learn about human nature. And learn about yourself. Test yourself. Find out who you are. Find out where fear and hesitation might cause you to back down, or to fall short. Learn and understand yourself so you can overcome and conquer the limitations of your natural instincts and replace them with the will and discipline to overpower and overcome anything in your path.

[–]weakandsensitive 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Talking to our director today (2 levels up, could be 3 soon) about corporate governance, something I know nothing about, I talked in a way that showed I had no certainty and was unconfident about my positions. I failed to live up to the expectation to be able to express my intuition with purpose even if I wasn't 100% certain. Basically, I backed down when challenged and devalued my own opinion. Will correct by revisiting this conversion tomorrow. Total breakdown in frame. Feeling disgusted and ashamed. Could see the loss of confidence in his body language - went from engaged to disengaged in a snap. That is the cost. Easy to rectify, still shit nonetheless.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

corporate governance, something I know nothing about

given your goals, I assume you started studying the subject matter?

[–]weakandsensitive 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

Looking to get more exposure for sure. Trying to figure out how to replace reading with real experience. Big issue for me was not owning the bullshit I was selling and letting Director do the parsing, i.e. I blew myself out instead of letting him do it. What I ended up doing was just writing an email being more precise with my thoughts - I'll follow up today and see how it goes. Ultimately it doesn't matter since I'm fresh and inexperienced (different expectations), but letting myself get frame dominated is a regression I'm not happy about.

I'll be putting more effort into googling and reading - trying to better understand nuance. Hard to replace real experience though. Not as important for me immediately compared to execution and getting shit done.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

replace reading with real experience

Your out of my league; but one thought does come to mind. Have you considered trying to get on the board of small startups?

[–]weakandsensitive 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Good idea. Maybe local volunteering or something.

[–]frankiejholden 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

The good :

Working like a demon at work, establishing my reputation, getting lots of love from both guys and girls for it.

Putting on good size, back hitting the olive oil for higher T, really feels like it's working. Aim to get up to 230 by August.

Bike build is really coming along, things are getting exciting in that regard.

Big focus at the moment needs to be on my job, it's amazing that when you put in, and you develop your talents, the social value that can be garnered.

The bad: I had an anxiety attack at work yesterday. I think it's related to the stress that I'm putting myself under and also the caffeine that I've been drinking as well as too much raw sugar. Program to fix this will be based on meditation, dietary changes and hydration.

Not taking charge at home with regard to planning holidays, or general household management. An excuse is that I am tired from work, but my wife is working and 18weeks pregnant, and she has time. I need to do things like - own my own cleaning schedule (an area of need for our house), take over management of funds, contribute to food cooking schedule.

Not finalising the bike build. I am going to set a registration goal of end of holidays. This means 1 day a week for 6 hours minimum, for 4 weeks and then 15 hours a week during holidays.

Not pushing hard enough with diet. I need to cook and bring lunch. Higher regular protein content, increased hydration.

This next month will really show how committed I am to meaningful change.

Overall score for this month is a 7.5 out of 10. Just gotta tighten my shit up.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

there is a lot "I need to add this to my life/MAP" in your oys. what are you going to cut out to make this happen. not criticizing as I have the exact same problem (cutting out TV and phone time).

[–]stonepimpletilistsHARD CORE NAVY RED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

The bad: I had an anxiety attack at work yesterday. I think it's related to the stress that I'm putting myself under and also the caffeine that I've been drinking as well as too much raw sugar. Program to fix this will be based on meditation, dietary changes and hydration.

This is always the body misfiring, and putting a fight or flight response where it isn't needed. If I had to guess, are you a perfectionist at work? One of those 'never make a mistake' kind of guys?

The caffiene will make a big difference, but it's worthwhile to rearrange your mental model, to something more akin to 'best efforts, and let the chips fall where they may'

Also, your goals are pretty shitty, or you post them fairly shittily. It's way to easy to bullshit your failures as success, when they are this vague.

e.g.

Diet - Not making my macros, ideal weight is 180lbs, which means 180 grams of protein per day. Currently, I'm only getting 100, so I am going to chug a shake every morning (30g) and buy a palate of eggs (30x 12g per), boil and pickle for quick snacks in the fridge, or something I can take with lunches. I'm also going to bring a gallon milk jug into work, like Forrest griffin used to, this way I know I'm getting my 4l of fluids every day.

House planning - I'm tired after work, so by the time I get home, I never get the events planned well. So, on the way home, I'm stopping at starbucks to spend 20 minutes to get the hollidays planned. I'm giving the SO a list of the things at home she can handle while I'm gone, keeping it light, as she's pregnant, so I'll handle the heavy lifting.

This is impossibly to hamster a victory, unless you're actually doing the shit, and it reads a lot less faggotty then:

This next month will really show how committed I am to meaningful change.

Which reads like a crackhead, swearing that he ain't doing crack no mo

[–]The_LitzMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I was away from home for a couple of weeks. My return has had some mixed results and a bucket of cold water chucked on me.

The good

  • The first officer. On previous extended trips I would come home to a shit show. Me and my wife would usually be totally out of sync and only mesh gears after some form of conflict. This time a marked improvement. We synced up immediately. Partly because I did not have any grand expectations of my arrival. We synced up immediately which leads me to the next point.

  • Sex. It was shark week. I was feeling sexed up on saturday morning and a routine HJ turned into a all out naked BJ with me busting a nut over her face and tits. A first for us.

  • Work. The trip I was on turned out better than expected, also spent time with my career role model which was a big plus for me.

  • Dread. Caught up with an old school friend of mine. She is single again and moved back to our country and the city I was visiting to be with her aged parents. We visited 3 times during my stay. My wife knows about it and on the surface was cool with it, I suspect it did put the hamster into motion, which leads me to my next point.

  • Affection. We went out for drinks with friends saturday night. Her friend pulled me aside and told me my wife was really missing me. Not the usual handyman/butler/babysitter/taxi kind of stuff. She was missing Litz.

The Bad

  • Lifting. Hurt my back somehow. Did not feel it at the time but after my workout I could feel a little discomfort, which lead to full blown muscle spasms. Bed rest and light duty on the cards for now.

  • Sex. During my trip I spent one day at home over a weekend. I was pretty sure to get laid. Mostly because of it being ovulation week and I haven't been home for some time. I could not hide my disappointment when I got rejected repeatedly. It is too hot, I am tired etc. I firstly treated it as LMR, but was stopped in my tracks by a few hard no's. And I was fucking butthurt. I am finding she gets turned on easier when on the rag?!?!

  • Cold hard reality. This is close to a victim puke. We went out on monday evening with friends for the husbands birthday. He got to choose where. So we go to a pub with the kids in tow. Not totally unusual as there is a kids play area and kids menu, but not a typical family restaurant. We get there and the a lot of people are smoking around us and basically drinking, like you do in a pub. And then it hit me. If I brought my wife and kids here without friends, just our family, she would have refused to take the kids into a bar, or at the very least give me a lot of shit. But she was 100% cool with it when we were with friends. I was very surprised. My conclusion, she doesn't want to visit a bar with me. I am not the prize, regardless of progress to date.

[–]stonepimpletilistsHARD CORE NAVY RED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Been a long time...

Something to consider. She probably doesn't like it, but chicks hate going against the herd. The fact that the social circle did it, means it's OK. Just you strikes a completely different chord in her head.

At the same time, when you describe it, you sound like you're waiting for her 'buy in' to your decision. I hope this far along you aren't still wanting an attaboy from her.

What would happen if you just did it, and left HER outside while you ate with the kids until she stopped harping about it?

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

If I brought my wife and kids here without friends, just our family, she would have refused to take the kids into a bar, or at the very least give me a lot of shit. But she was 100% cool with it when we were with friends. I was very surprised. My conclusion, she doesn't want to visit a bar with me. I am not the prize, regardless of progress to date.

I am not surprised at all . . . because I live this type of shit in spades. If I take out the wife with a bunch of friend I always get the fun loving, joking, flirty, sexy woman. If I take her out alone; I might get 75% of that on a good night or 2% on a bad night. If I take her out with the kids; its worse.

There is a LOT of truth to what Stoney said:

chicks hate going against the herd. The fact that the social circle did it, means it's OK

but it never comes off as fake or contrived, her hamster is saying you go girl and she is listening to that little fucker. But then we have:

Just you strikes a completely different chord in her head.

Is this because just you is so boring she can't help reflect boring back, or is it because she is comfortable being herself (THE IRONY) and herself is just boring?

[–]honusqwerty 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (7子コメント)

My first post here to start owning my shit.

Took a long weekend from my wife and son and visiting my family back home. My relationship with my father & step-mother is dysfunctional. This weekend I really watched my father and realized he isn't what I thought he was, some negatives are not all that bad and some positives are not all that great.

I read all of NMMNG on the plane home and ticked all the boxes. I need to re-read it and start putting it into action. Text from wife when I get to my transfer in Houston was "how was your trip", I say that it was "different from the past trips, I got a lot out of it" in hindsight this was probably not the right thing to say based on NMMNG but I am so new to this that I am not sure if I am jumping the gun on thinking everything is me being a "nice guy"

When I got home the wife was her usual self, she ignores me when she first sees me, goes and does something else then comes to give me a kiss and say welcome home. I noticed but I didn't say anything, I just started getting down to work since I had shit to do.
In the past I would bitch and say some passive aggressive shit like "you can't even say hello, or I missed you" a very small victory here..

We decided to cook dinner together, something we used to love to do together but had stopped for a few months. During the cooking she asked about my trip and the text I sent.

I basically tell her everything I learned about my dad and how it reflects on my life and that I realized that I was doing all this shit in the NMMNG (now that I think about it, I didn't tell her I was reading the book), manipulation, giving to get, not taking time for my self, not doing shit for me because I thought it would be self centered. How i need to say No more often and set boundaries. That I have been sending texts of "I love you" or saying "you are beautiful" to the point they have no meaning or because I just wanted to hear it back. I said that has to stop. She immediately said "I agree"

I told her how I was trying to be super dad to my step-son and I didn't even no how to be a dad yet so it was making shit worse.

The biggest part was that I expressed how I needed to get out from under her and get out of the house, I told her she is free to do the same thing. I said bluntly, the only way "we" can get better at this point is if I take care of myself.

I told her I was going to start going fishing and hanging out with my friend in the next couple weeks.

She said okay to everything, no argument, no if and's or buts, just said okay and that she is glad the weekend helped me.

The rest of the night was pretty nice, I did what I had to do and didn't smother her because I had just gotten back. We talked more about our future, building our house, getting a dog. Things that I wasn't even sure she wanted to do anymore.

That night laying in bed, we didn't have sex and I didn't try to have sex not yet in this process anyway, but we laid in bed and talked and joked. We used to do this when we first lived together and we both used to say how much we loved it. The last 5 months or so it has just been get in bed, don't talk and fall asleep and the occasional sex once a month.

I don't know if these small nice changes I saw in her last night were because I was away for 5 days but I would like to think that me reading NMMNG and seeing my shit and owning it a bit has started to work.

I have to show myself that I am not all talk and I doing it this time. I quit so much stuff that I start, I can't let this happen to me again.

As I said this is my first one of these, if it is too much then I will get used to this as they come along.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (5子コメント)

I have to show myself that I am not all talk

sure sounds like you are all talk from what you posted.

Holy shit dude, you just puked out everything to your partner like a girl, all your feelz and plans and reasons. Why? What are you looking for? Her approval? Her support? Some sort of consensus? This is not helping you.

You need none of these things, you need to fix yourself for yourself. Telling her all this is undermining you.

A man tells his wife he's going to do it this time, he's going to lose 50 pounds in 6 months, go to the gym 3 times a week. And he does, mostly. Misses a day here and there, has a cheat day. After 6 months he's lost 32 pounds. Impressive, no? Dude crushed it.

No. He set the bar high, showed his cards, and she judged him every step of the way. Psh. 32 pounds, 18 pounds short. Barely went two times a week.

Another man decides silently. Makes a plan, executes. What are you doing? Hitting the gym. Why? That's what I do now. She just sees changes not feelz and aspirations. Doesn't see failure sees change and achievement. And wonders WTF is going on. And worries that he is getting more valuable than her.

learn to STFU. She's not on your team till you're winning.

[–]honusqwerty 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Makes sense. Why does the NMMNG book say to tell your partner all this shit then?

Now that I made the mistake puked all this shit out, I just have to shut up going forward and do work to correct it.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I just have to shut up going forward and do work to correct it

Read NMMNG a long time ago so I don't remember details, exactly what did it tell you to do? The sidebar isn't a monolithic consistent body of strategies, it's a pile of different tools to achieve similar goals.

Having A Talk is fine but think long and hard before you do it, decide on what you want to achieve.

My default is STFU. As the marriage counsellors say, a relationship is all about communication. What they don't say is that communication is 90% non verbal, and men's strongest form of communication is action.

[–]honusqwerty 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

It said you are going to be going through changes and your partner may not understand so explain what you are doing or better have them read the book.

Thanks for your ideas.

I like how you do your OYS, I may crib your format.

[–]WerewolfBillionaire 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

It said you are going to be going through changes and your partner may not understand so explain what you are doing or better have them read the book.

I recommend explaining what you are doing not why: "I need to spend more time with my friends ".

You still need to coordinate with her, don't be a dick, just don't tell a big story of your motivations.

Then provide comfort. Big hug, "I still love you babe, this is just something I need to do".

My first mediation teacher said "Personal growth is a creative process; it's a delicate and private thing." You are revising the story of your past and future. Exposing your thinking and planning here is a safe place for criticism and support. These guys are assholes but they bear listening to. Your partner can and will use it against you.

I like how you do your OYS, I may crib your format.

Thanks! I took it from others too.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

She's not on your team till you're winning.

pure gold, everyone loves a winner and despises a loser

[–]jacksarmy 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

The first rule of fight club....You really need to STFU.... Acta non verba

[–]Aechzen 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Body

  • 36, 6'0", 187 pounds, 10% body fat. Have been doing the FamilyAlpha 100 pushups a day challenge. It's giving me some hypertrophy in my shoulders and arms I don't usually have on off days. Breaking those into 5x20, and usually doing them last thing before I go to bed. I fell asleep last night after my first 20 set and broke my streak :(
  • Failed third time at 5x 180 bench press, but I can see that it will probably come next time. Was getting 3x5 before I would fail on the fourth and fifth sets. SL 5x5 is deloading me to 160.
  • I deloaded my deadlift because my achilles tendinitis flared up again. Was up to 240, took it down to 135 and working up again. The first set I did at 135 I practically rowed the bar; was so used to it being much heavier. Squats are at 150, also coming back up from being deloaded. I'll probably keep those under 200 until after my two spring marathons.
  • Nobody here gives a shit about cardio, but my marathon training is on track. One planned in April, one planned in May. Ran 20 miles on Sunday, and it was smooth and consistent.

Reading

  • BPP book keeps sending me on tangents to read other books. Working on Sex God Method, which I had started months ago and never finished.
  • Honestly, have been using that time to do u/TheFamilyAlpha challenge stuff instead. Cleaned out the basement and hauled some shit to Goodwill. More cleaning in the basement needed.
  • About the only reading I did has been with the kids. Got some new kids books on the recommendation of some parenting blogs. Custard the Dragon was fun. Shivers the Pirate who is Afraid of Everything is funny and I think will also have a good moral lesson about finding courage and getting shit done.

Game

  • Got laid by my wife. It had been 16 days, but who is counting? Me. So much for abundance mentality.
  • Still working on BPP 50 openers challenge. Talked to some pretty women; nothing noteworthy the last few openers.

[–]Balistaff 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Last post

PHYSICAL - C

Over the flu but still congested and wheezing at times. Concentrating on getting well and not getting bronchitis. Lost another 5 lbs. Sticking to low-carb meal plan. Still haven't joined a gym. Need to get out of paralysis of analysis and just get that done.

MENTAL - B

Much less frustration this week. Self-anger is down. I think making progress, even if only incremental, has helped me become more content. Still working through Gorilla Mindset book, will finish this week.

MONEY - B

Getting taxes done tomorrow, then will have much clearer picture of finances for this summer (wife is a teacher so no income from her over the summer unless she does part-time work or something). Random spending that was adding up and killing us has been cut down a lot.

WORK - C

Back on track with developing next passive income stream. Need to become more intentional and strategic with my time, but making good progress on goals.

HOME - D

Was able to attack clutter more this week now that I'm starting to feel better. Will start 1st project on home improvement list this weekend.

RELATIONSHIPS - C

Have done better being more "present" and fun with family vs. withdrawn and grumpy. No sex this week but I didn't feel like it either so whatever. This week and coming weekend I plan to initiate more.

Action Steps For This Week:

  • Join a fucking gym!
  • Finish reading Gorilla Mindset
  • Get taxes done, lay out summer budget
  • Keep working toward next project offer
  • Do one home improvement project with son
  • Game wife this week

Any thoughts/insights are always appreciated, but just the act of posting each week helps me with accountability so much, even if no one comments, so thank you for this thread!

[–]sempernullus 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

OYS Score 27 down from 40 last week.

Areas to Fix: Macros & Initiating

How I'm Fixing Macros: follow my grocery list & recipe plan on eatthismuch regardless of business lunch or dinner meetings. In other words self discipline in the face a shitty food.

How I'm Fixing Initiating: focus on being fun , light hearted & Initiating instead of always being focused on getting stuff done. Good to get stuff done, but all too often do it at the expense of other things, including sex with wife, fun with kids & social activities.

Areas of strength: Finance, Career, Exercise & Frame

[–]drty_pr 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

HEALTH - Diet has been on point. Working out daily. Sleep was solid. Stupidly tried to do push ups for MoM. Wrist is kind of sore now. I got all excited about it and tried, even though I knew I can't. Kept booze pretty low as well.

READING - Re reading NMMNG. Such an interesting book. Like the first time, I realize I'm really not a nice guy by nature. I'm sure the book is more appealing to certain types of people.

SOCIAL - Went to the bar with a couple guys from work, got out with some friends for the fights and went to a dinner with a mens group. Very little opportunity to interact with the opposite sex. Better luck next week pussy.

LEADERSHIP - Taking a more active role in my middle childs reading. Something I've needed to do and the MoM has pushed me to just fuckin do it. Going to set up some nightly math activities as well. This has been a topic of shame for me. No fuckin more!

FRAME - Never in hers. Slipped a little sunday morning in bed though. She was shit testing like mad about me going out Saturday and her staying home. I said "I asked if you wanted to come and we could spend the night with the kids there. You said no. I also asked if you would stay up and watch the fights with me if I stayed home. You also said no". Left it there and the shit tests pretty well commenced. Would have liked to have been funnier and not so stern, but the shit tests over the last couple days on the matter had grown on me and STFU wasn't gonna cut it.

SEX - Hit it once. Sex was the way I like it. Started making out with her in the kitchen, proceeded to press her to the floor as I escalated, then carried her up to bed. I haven't carried her to bed in so long. Seems like I'm slowly making a little more progress every month here. It's no longer the metric for success. I still like pussy though. Could have hit last night, but failed to push through the LMR. Need to get better at spotting this in real time.

DREAD - I've come to realize my biggest set back in my level 6-7. That is, that I would be a bad guy for getting a chicks #. It's total blue pill conditioning. I'm not scared to talk to any girl, ever. Yet something always seemed off. This pussy frame of mind needs to switch. I'm tired of coming on here like a broken record with this shit. It is shit and I must own it though.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (5子コメント)

This isn't exactly an OYS post, just a recent event. For stupid reasons, I decided to call out wife yesterday on her general lack of affection - sex, but more generally on just being a complete bitch all of the time. It was all very calm. No ultimatums of any sort, but I made it clear that I didn't want to live this way anymore. I've done this before with no good results, so just a weak, stupid moment.

Wife responded by walking silently to the kids room (they were asleep) and crouching at the foot of their bed, and just sitting there silently with the hood of her coat over her head. I checked in on her after about 15 minutes. She refused to respond in any way to me, just sat there crouching. I eventually got her a pillow, set it next to her, and went to bed. Not sure, she may have stayed that way all night. She went to work early before I was up this morning.

This doesn't seem normal.

[–]stonepimpletilistsHARD CORE NAVY RED 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Remember my story of getting the house a budget?

Everytime I hear girls bitching about the 'women are children' line, I think about that time, and now you have one too.

It's not rare, you hit her, and she felt it. She'll get over it. Don't rub it in, and she'll be fine

Talking about hit as in the feelz... disclaimer

[–]ScurvemuchMRP APPROVED 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

And this is why they do not like direct communication - it hurts right in the feelz

[–]weakandsensitive 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

at some point your threats of not wanting to live this way are going to become real. i'm guessing you've made big progress since you started, so

I've done this before with no good results, so just a weak, stupid moment.

that context has completely changed.

I've got a post in my head brewing that came out of a conflict with my wife. The resolution gave me clarity. I think it'll give you something similar. Expect it in the next day or so. It's based around the idea that marriage is hard mode - a notion I don't agree with, but I can come up with an argument for anyway. The argument revolves around the evolving roles and responsibility as boyfriend, husband, and father. Similar flip side of girlfriend, wife, and mother. The fact that we let slip our roles in the different areas.

[–]PersaeusMarried - MRP Approved 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Similar flip side of girlfriend, wife, and mother. The fact that we let slip our roles in the different areas.

I look forward to this post because I think it deals with the issue a lot of us are dealing with, including Litz in his recent post. The failing we often see from our spouse and ascribe to "I am not attractive/alpha enough to warrant what I want"; I am coming to the conclusion is this is just that particular woman's base personality. We say on MRP, you have to change the man for yourself not her. To some extent this logic applies to her as well.

[–]Sams_Big_Balls_Dance 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (2子コメント)

I'm new to this community but I get the impression this is a good way to start.

Fitness Kicking ass in this department. Lifting six days a week and seeing nice gains. Have always lifted, but started getting more serious about it a year ago. Had always skipped leg day until then. Legs are still pretty sad relative to my upper body, but making decent progress.

Career/Finances Other than needing to be a bit more engaged in my job, everything is good in this department. Love my job, make great money, saving almost $40k/year for retirement. Unless something changes, I probably won't bother mentioning this area in future OYS.

Family Overall, pretty good here, though I would like to figure out more creative ways to spend time with the kids. We end up playing a lot of video games together, which is fun, but we need to branch out. I coach one kid's soccer team and assistant coach the other one, so that's fun and rewarding. Again, things are good in this area; I just need to figure out some new ways to engage with the kids.

Sex After lurking here for a while, I realized some of the things I was doing wrong in this department: covert contracts, moping about not having sex. In short, whether I had a good day was dependent on whether or not I got some. I've changed that. For example, the other night, I tested the water with some touching and she very politely said she was really tired and sorry, but she just didn't have the energy. "Don't be mad at me." I understand why she said that because I have a history of being a mopey little bitch when I get rejected. I said, "You have nothing to be sorry about and I have no reason to be mad. I have shit I can do." She asked if I was going to masturbate. I told her that was completely irrelevant, but no, I was not going to masturbate. I told her I was going to do crunches, which was true.

We had sex only twice in the last week, but she was finishing up her period, so I can't complain. Plus, the sex is getting kinkier since I started showing more assertiveness and stopped acting like a bitch when we didn't have sex. I had always wanted to lick her asshole for some reason, so a few months ago, I said 'fuck it,' and I just did it. Turns out, she loves it. She gets embarrassed about it, but after one session of it, she said, "The only reason I can get myself to let you do that is because you're so sexual and I can tell you like it too."

So, overall, sex life is good, but I still have some work to do. Sometimes, I think I over-kino, if that makes sense. I think she takes my bits of affection for granted. I need to learn better when and how to use it. Also, I need to cut down on masturbation. I use it as a way to last longer when I think we're likely to have sex that night. I should probably come up with a different way to last longer.

Frame I'm making significant strides here since I found this community, but I still have a lot of work to do. My wife and I started to get into a little argument, but I remembered to STFU. She asked why I got quiet and wasn't arguing back. I told her it was because there was nothing to argue about. (It started with something VERY stupid.) I told her it seemed like we had pretty much figured it out and at this point we were arguing over pointless semantics. She said I was right about that and we moved on.

Where I lack in frame is when it comes to interacting with other people. I'm comfortable with my wife and my frame generally holds up pretty well around her. I would really like to be able to talk to strangers or acquaintances with a strong frame. I know, I need to just do it, right? I'd like to do some light flirting with some of the women at the gym. This is an area where I need to just shut up and do it.

I did maintain frame with an acquaintance who asked for an unreasonable favor. I didn't make excuses or try to list a bunch of reasons. I just told her, "That's not going to be possible," and left it at that. Felt good.

Alcohol I drink way too much. My IDGAF attitude is pretty good most of the time, but I also rely way too much on alcohol for that. All my life, people have liked me more when I've had a few drinks in me. I'm a happy, funny drunk. But it's obviously not healthy. There's not much more to say here, other than I have got to find a way to cut down.

Hey, that felt good. I hope I'm doing this right.

[–]weakandsensitive 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

From your post, I'm guessing Senior Leadership role or something along those lines.

Engagement in families has many parallels with engagement in the workplace. It requires effort and quality leadership.

Frame relates more to worldview than being stoic.

IDGAF is very different than suppressing emotions and numbing them.

[–]Sams_Big_Balls_Dance 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

My IDGAF isn't about suppressing emotions and numbing. I'm guessing you came to that mistaken conclusion because of the alcohol. Yes, my body gets more numb, but my emotions actually get addressed more directly. My mind gets a little more open about how I actually feel about things. But, again, that's not a good reason to drink as much as I do. Just downloaded a book that I hope will help me improve my relationship with alcohol.

Not sure where you pulled stoicism from. I don't equate frame with stoicism. I tried the stoicism route at one point. Didn't work for me. I came across as a psychopath. I have emotions and I try to address them. Not perfectly, of course, but I also don't pretend to be stoic.

Your comment on engagement in families and the workplace is worthwhile, however. Thanks.

[–]zeteomegaleio 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

Work - Busted my ass and created some margin this week to work on my own stuff. Which is necessary as I absolutely need not just a new client, but probably 2-3 at this point to get through the next month. Going full on into prospecting/outbound marketing at this point along with a few efforts to raise my profile in hopes it helps inbound marketing.

The good news is that so much work the past few months has allowed us to eat into all the work we had outstanding on lots of other client projects that got backed up. Some projects have ended, some are about to end, and everything is mostly caught up as much as it can be currently even though a few projects are still way past their original due dates.

The past two days have gone off the rails though. Yesterday not such a bad thing; family and friend socialization that hadn't happened in too long suddenly hit me all at once and took a few hours of my time at night. No good excuse for today though; a few tasks needed to happen and didn't after I got too caught up handling smaller, non-crucial things. Grade: C

Lifting/Exercise - Have now gone a few times to chiropractor; first few sessions fucked me up and made things worse. I've just focused on rest and healing if I'm not working. I think it is now starting to come around where it is no longer agitating the injury. I'm 50/50 from my own experience and what I've heard about chiropractors that this will work and allow my neck to heal properly, but it is worth a shot at least. Luckily able to do this as it is covered by insurance. I'm just so tired of not lifting or really using my upper body whatsoever. Grade: N/A

Health - Things went off the rails with keto the past week. I got a massive headache a day after my OYS last week that took me out for 4 hours. When I got up, I immediately went and ate a shitload of carbs - chicken noodle soup, pretzels, some dates, etc. that we had hidden away the past 2 months.

No headaches since carbs have been back in my diet and I've felt much better, but weight loss has stalled.

So, I've directed LTR to do something more like a low-carb diet. Plan is to have a very small glass of orange juice most mornings (always have felt better with this) for vitamin C and some sugar. Keto the rest of the day. A dinner that has beans or some kind of healthy, complex carb in it every 2-3 days. I recognize the OJ is probably not low carb by most people's standards, but the idea is overall not going crazy on carbs and being mostly dependent on fat for my fuel.

Either way, I'm glad to no longer be suffering the negative effects that the keto diet was doing to me, but it is time to get back to weight loss now. Grade: C

Personal Development - LTR and I have been trying to mix up our daily schedule to do more work in the morning before the 'day' gets started for most people, and to shift working out/reading books/etc. to mid-afternoon (for the exercise, when we have an energy slump) or at night after dinner and before bed (for calmer activities). This has been a rough transition so far trying to get used to it and that plus the addition of some new habits has meant that I've had a harder time making sure I hit them all every day. The one thing that continues is meditation every single morning right after waking up.

We're still figuring this out but I think it will pay dividends to line up working when we are more clear-headed and alert early on, rather than sitting at our desks half-dazed in the afternoons. Grade: C

Leadership/LTR - I can't even really think of anything to say about this. A separate health issue has caused a pause in sex, and everything else in life between the changing schedule, runs to chiropractor, health stuff, and massive amount of work has meant we haven't really done much else. It's just a time to be utterly robotic and devoted to getting clients and getting back on track. Grade: D

Finances - Grade: F. I'm not going to keep explaining this over and over every week. Clients or bust.

[–][削除されました]  (1子コメント)

[deleted]

    [–]drty_pr 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (0子コメント)

    When I drink, I tend to drink myself to oblivion.

    If you come at this question as objectively as possible, would you say you drink irresponsibly to drown something out or because the alcohol takes you and you can't control it?