jump to content
my subreddits
more »
Want to join? Log in or sign up in seconds.|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
92 points (88% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

relationshipsRelationships

subscribeunsubscribe615,617 readers
4,088 users here now
Filter Posts :You are browsing a Filtered view of posts by topic. Click \'ALL\' to view all posts by removing the topic filter.
Or, Message The Moderators for all other information.

/r/Relationships is a subreddit for asking specific questions about any aspect related to your relationship.
Post anything that is relevant to your current relationship that you want to discuss. Make sure that it's a question, which will invite answers and offerings.
Rules for posting to /r/Relationships
  • This sub is about helping people in need - If you are not providing such help (i.e. abuse, jokes, meta arguments, fighting with other posters, pointless tangents), your comments may be removed. Please report comments that you feel are in violation of these guidelines to keep discussions constructive.
  • At any time mods may remove or refer posts to other subs as we deem appropriate, and our decisions are final.
Please read the Wiki before posting or commenting.
  • Ages, genders and relationship length required!
  • Spelling, grammar, and readability count!
  • Include a TL;DR! - a brief summary at the end of your post. No "See title".**
  • First person posts only.
  • No gift or activity questions.
  • No general/meta questions.
  • No polling questions or "opinion gathering"
  • No questions directed at a single gender.
  • No photos, links, or videos
  • Please don't feed the trolls or request proof. Use the report button instead!
  • Do not repost removed material
  • Posts that are removed by the AutoModerator that are missing information submitted for approval will not be considered unless you use the link explaining what was wrong with the post. The only exceptions are posts that were removed by actual humans for missing information.
  • Do not request personal info, including pics.
  • No agendas
  • Crossposting to other subreddits will result in an instaban.
  • No politics!
  • Do not encourage violence or criminal behavior, even as a joke.
  • Do not mention upvotes or downvotes. We do not allow vote manipulation.
  • Be respectful at all times.
  • It's nice if you tell people that are giving you advice, "thank you."
  • Creative writing projects and trolls are not welcome.
  • Most importantly, abuse, bigotry, misogyny, misandry, racism, homophobia, gendered slurs, agendas and encouraging violence are not tolerated in our community and will result in a ban. Don't be rude.
  • Assign proper flair
    • Relationships -issues in ongoing romantic relationships
    • Infidelity -issues of actual cheating
    • Breakups -immediate issues surrounding a break up.
    • Dating -new people in your life, crushes, unclear relationships, or things shorter than 1 month
    • Updates -"UPDATE" needs to be in the title. Link to the previous post, which cannot be deleted or removed. Original post cannot be on the front page or within 48 hours. The update needs to be about the solution. One update only.
    • Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships
    • Non-Romantic -issues with family or friends.

☰ Related subreddits

a community for
Use the FAQ link at top to familiarize yourself about community. Please review the posting guidelines in the sidebar at right before submitting.
▲
91
92
93
▼
submitted by kkaylag
Hi everyone, I've been married to my husband for twenty years and I can truly say I love him with all my heart but don't like him much at the moment. We have three wonderful kids 15F 13F 12F.
So my husband has always been on the active side, he stopped going to the gym awhile ago and put on some weight nothing significant though. Well 8 months ago he made a change and has been working out religiously and he looks great. I'd like to think I've been his biggest supporter, helped prepare his meals and buy the food he needed. Made shakes for him bought him protein stuff.
First it was mostly about getting in shape and losing weight but now it's all about bodybuilding. He buys tons of protein stuff, createne?? bars shakes everything. He buys shirts, goes to events with friends looks up stuff on YouTube all the time and goes to the gym everyday. I cook all his meals and prepare them for him still.
I am so happy he has something that makes him happy, but I do feel neglected. I was going to the gym with him at first but then he suggested he rather go with his weightlifting friends. Okay whatever I was hurt but I understood. Just enjoyed us working out together we both had fun.
So he comes home from work, eats goes to the gym come home eat again shower YouTube and then sleep. When we're in bed he often asks if I can rub his back for a bit which I do, I then ask if he could rub my feet or back for a bit. Hell rub my feet for 30 seconds and back for 30 secs while I just spent 6,7 minutes rubbing his back.
Basically he's become kind of selfish, I do all this stuff for him and feel he doesn't appreciate it that much anymore and just expects it. He works out with his friends everyday barely interacts with me and the family anymore and is obsessed with getting muscular, I assure him I think he looks great already. Goes to events, watches videos on YouTube a lot. The sex has increased but doesn't feel as passionate, he just does his thing and doesn't care to get me off.
Basically I miss the pre him, I'm happy he has this new hobby I think he's just become stuck up and is putting us second. The field have also told me they feel the same way. I have tried talking to him and he gives me the aren't you happy for me speech? I am happy for him, just feels like this is all he cares about nowadays. There's also been times where I made mistakes on the meals or didn't measure things right and he would get upset with me. I've had it up to here with the attitude. What can I do to support this hobby but let him know his wife and children would like more time with him?
**tl;dr: husband has become obsessed with bodybuilding and has grown distant between me and our children, how do I let him know that we would like more time with him without sounding too needy/selfish.
all 45 comments
▲
▼
[–]sleepfight [score hidden]  (5 children)
Stop going the extra mile for him. Just stop. Tell him, "I don't feel comfortable doing these things for you when I feel that you don't appreciate that I do them. I want to spend more time together. I feel like our relationship is suffering."
▲
▼
[–]crimpsalad [score hidden]  (0 children)
I think that this is the best course of action, too
▲
▼
[–]ALLST6R [score hidden]  (0 children)
More than that, he needs a reality check and needs to be directly told that he has become a self-obsessed and selfish individual.
He's obviously blissfully ignorant to the fact OP is doing everything for him that's aiding his health habits, without acknowledging it, and that his character is changing for the negative.
▲
▼
[–]ChaletMontagne [score hidden]  (2 children)
I'll also add that I think he could be having side effects from things that he takes. Creatine has side effects and his behavior could reflect that.
▲
▼
[–]honestly_honestly [score hidden]  (0 children)
Yes, and if he's taking any testosterone supplements he will change too.
▲
▼
[–]DoveFlightNow [score hidden]  (0 children)
Unlikely he is taking enough
▲
▼
[–]dragons_maiden [score hidden]  (0 children)
Where in his schedule does being a father fit in? Sounds like he's gotten a bit too focused on himself. Time for him to start making his own food, especially if he's going to get mad if you measure something wrong. You are not responsible for his protein intake.
I'd try and sit him down and make a schedule. Explain that you don't feel appreciated and that he needs to make an effort to spend quality time with you and the kids. Make date night a thing, no YouTube allowed. He needs to maintain his efforts with you and the kids instead of focusing on maintaining himself.
▲
▼
[–]Testisbestest [score hidden]  (2 children)
I'm a father, husband, and bodybuilder. I weigh everything I eat on a food scale. When my family eats dinner I help make the normal meal for the family and sit and eat with them but eat my own different food. Between lifting weights and cardio I spend 12-13 hours a week at the gym. However I talk to my wife and schedule when I go so it doesn't doesn't interfere with having family time.
I think you should talk to him and figure out a schedule that allows him to do his working out but not at the expense of the family. Also his meal prep is on him, stop doing that since he doesn't appreciate it.
▲
▼
[–]fidelity_ [score hidden]  (1 child)
User name checks out
▲
▼
[–]Vu70n0m0v5 [score hidden]  (1 child)
His hobby has become an obsession, an addiction in the sense that it is distorting other aspects of his life. He needs to be called home, figuratively-speaking. The only problem is that he probably isn't going to be vary happy at accepting that, especially coming from you because he is probably going to see all sorts of ulterior motives to you pointing any of it out to him.
The problem is that his primary focus is on himself, rather than his relationship. What was his attitude like before he took up the body-building? Where was his focus then? I am a bit puzzled about his sudden change in attitude and wonder if it has not really changed but that it has changed in respect of how it is expressed.
Has anyone else noticed this change? Has anyone else passed comment on it? Has he ever passed any negative comment about it, like it being exhausting keeping it up or being hard to stick to the regime? You need a way in to raise the subject when you think he might actually be receptive to hearing some criticism of it and that is going to be very hard given how obsessed he has become.
▲
▼
[–]captbritcorps [score hidden]  (0 children)
Before I start this is not a blanket generalization of gym goers or body builders of fitness buffs. Is it really that puzzling though? Body building is essentially making yourself and your body a hobby, is it really surprising that some people who get into it become selfish and self-absorbed?
▲
▼
[–]parker1307 [score hidden]  (0 children)
I don't have much advice other than sit and talk to him about how you're feeling. Pre him going to the gym. His reaction will be telling. If he attempts to invalidate how you're feeling, there's bigger problems at play and I would suggest councling.
What I will say is this. He's absolutley being selfish and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you do. My partner is a powerlifter. He weighs most is meals, plans everything out, counts every calorie, he's at the gym up to two hours a day depending on what he's training. BUT, he always makes time for me. We still go on dates, one dinner one breakfast everyweek (granted no kids), he helps me out around the house, and always dynamite in bed.
I have friends that are body builders too and still treat their partners with respect.
Keep that in mind. Support should work both ways.
▲
▼
[–]wat5isthis [score hidden]  (2 children)
I'm no relationship expert, but I feel like this is one of those times where you just need to talk to him.
▲
▼
[–]RBNaccount4 [score hidden]  (1 child)
The OP says she's tried and she gets the "aren't you happy for me?" speech.
▲
▼
[–]TheAgentWaffle [score hidden]  (0 children)
"Not when your family is falling on the wayside and our marriage is slowly falling apart because you're neglecting it."
▲
▼
[–]qwerty0142 [score hidden]  (2 children)
This sounds like a classic mid-life crisis
I would look for advice for this specific problem from specialised websites or subreddits
▲
▼
[–]shogun_ [score hidden]  (0 children)
I support working out, but it sounds like he has let it get to his head and became addicted.
▲
▼
[–]gozerandseul [score hidden]  (0 children)
Must have physical perfection due to impending mortality!
Honestly, this sounds like a sitcom plot.
▲
▼
[–]frotterdammerung [score hidden]  (8 children)
Does he Reddit? If so, visit r/thebluepill just to make sure he hasn't joined a certain internet cult.
If that is what you're dealing with, it's bad news. You can talk to him, but cults are destructive and you might want to start preparing for a worst case scenario. Hopefully he's just come down with a minor case of the assholes.
▲
▼
[–]bubbleuj [score hidden]  (4 children)
And if you think he has you can also search through his internet history with the cults name as a tag so you don't end up snooping.
It does kinda sound like he might have though. He's obsessed with working out, ignoring his family, pushing his wife around and refusing to do anything that would make her feel valued. Some of that is pretty classic dread game.
Anyway, bluepill can also give some good advice.
▲
▼
[–]LordRuby [score hidden]  (0 children)
I was surprised I had to scroll this far to see anyone mention dread gaming. It sounds like it totally could be him dread gaming her, its like 50/50, it could be a coincidence and he's just being a jerk but it also could be dread gaming booth seem plausible.
▲
▼
[–]greeneyedwench [score hidden]  (0 children)
I thought this might be a possibility too.
▲
▼
[–]greeneyedwench [score hidden]  (0 children)
(And oh Lord, I need to clear my search history, because I sometimes hate-read those folks. Blargh.)
▲
▼
[–]leggomahaggro [score hidden]  (0 children)
Sounds a bit like he's married to the hobby. Self image is an issue here as well, maybe deep seeded. While it's not bad like anorexia, he's taken to this as a bit more than just hobby. You need to bring it up in a way that he knows you are supportive of what he wants to do, but not at the cost of your marriage. Having separate hobbies is great for sanity, but he needs to find a common ground between 100% gym/bodybuilding and you. You should sit him down one day and go over how it's making you feel like you are loosing the husband you married, and while you are not saying he needs to stop, he needs to take into account that he has a wife that he's supposedly committed to as well
▲
▼
[–]DoveFlightNow [score hidden]  (0 children)
Been in the weight lifting and body builfing communities. There are a couple of sports out there that suck you in this way because a lifestyle grows up around them.
I handled this with my now husband/ then fiance by drilling it in his head that he wanted me to put the marriage first but he is putting it second, and that some competition goals are not compatible with a healthy marriage.
Tell him how many hours you need back from him a week for you, the marriage, and the family and raise his awareness during those hours: 'Ok, have fun. But remember youve already had 4 hours of hobby time this week and are putting the hobby and yourself excessively ahead of our marriage.' I also pointed out when the inequality: the hours per week I was putting us first or me second. Not in a guilt trip way, but in a reality check way. Dont let him make the work/provider excuse: he is responsible for 50% of the emotional labor.
Because you were originally willing, I would also start going to lift- once a week maybe, alone when he isnt there and later when he lifts, but lift separately as if it was you-time.
Basically, scope out the social scene so you know what you are dealing with, and quietly put it in his face that he is leaving you behind, and put it in the face of his peers. Make a female friend there if you can. This also prevents him from starting to think you are anti- hobby as you are lifting yourself, and to avoid the trap of this being about the hobby instead of his priority management.
This method took 4mo to work. I made sure the issue was raised at least once every week to two weeks, praised and complimented when he was making the time I asked for. He recommends that you stick to once every two weeks because I was a little naggy.
His head is in another world where what he is doing is common and normal, so you have to give him enough time/mental room to travel the distance back before yoi can have the conversation you want.
▲
▼
[–]Ilovecofee [score hidden]  (0 children)
Hi. Fitness competitor/bodybuilder here (female) My boyfriend got me into working out and soon just me getting healthier and losing a couple pounds turned into passion . I decided to do a fitness show (which requires 2 hours of the gym training daily, meal prepping, no eating out, decreased sex drive, no time for socializing etc) and my SO was trying to be as supportive/understanding as he could be. After of 3 month of all that my fitness competitor was over. It was very hard mentally to switch to a "normal" human mindset afterwards. I had a huge time body image issues trying to keep up with all my other friends/competitors : staying lean, getting more muscle etc. Let me tell you , there is a very fine line between being passionate about a sport and developing unhealthy obssesion and it took me sometime to get used to functioning as a healthy individual who likes working out to keep fit and for health reasons. My SO was with me though all this and he was the one suggesting after the show that I should take it easy and stop being so obssesed with everything I put in my mouth and decrease gym training to 1 hour. It is definitely hard to understand the lifestyle for some people who don't work out, but judging by your post you're being a supportive partner in his journey. Being passionate about something is great and I understand your husband has some goals he is trying to achieve , But he shouldn't be sacrificing quality family time to work out. Give him a reality check (helped me big time). Explain that while your support his goals, you and kids feel like more family time could be beneficial for him to re focus on his goals and give some love to the people who love him the most.
▲
▼
[–]WeirdIdeasCO [score hidden]  (1 child)
Because everyone already offered advice with your marriage I won't go into that.
Have you considered maybe he has body dysmorphia? Does he constantly want to get bigger or is he using the gym as a hobby and to socialize? I don't want to lump all bodybuilders in a group but the ones I've met who want to compete or do compete have really bad issues concerning their body?
Maybe the neglecting of his marriage is part of a larger symptom?
▲
▼
[–]DoveFlightNow [score hidden]  (0 children)
This. Big problem in that community.
▲
▼
[–]You_gonna_hate_This [score hidden]  (1 child)
"You dont care enough to get me off i wont care enough to treat you to meals" . Its direct, its symbolic, itll hit him right in his masculinity, itll directly affect his favorite hobby and his convenience.
▲
▼
[–]envisionandme [score hidden]  (0 children)
Your husband is getting beefy. Truly all is right in his world.
▲
▼
[–]Jeggerz [score hidden]  (0 children)
I compete in powerlifting (can verify through my post history with my last meet last Sept). I would never ask my wife to do my meal prep or any other prep for me. I specifically lift early mornings so after work I can be home doing chores and spending time with my wife and I don't even have kids. He's getting way too wrapped up in himself. I mean bb is all about building the best psychical version of yourself so it's no surprise he's shifted to a more me mindset he just needs to keep it in check. I'd talk to him again and express it like you did here. Maybe a counselor wouldn't be a bad idea for you both so an outsider can give him some perspective.
I also recommend stop doing all the extras for his hobby. You can be supportive without doing all if his prep work without any return love. He should get a good feel for how much you're doing for him.
▲
▼
[–]Betty_Moore1995 [score hidden]  (0 children)
as for me, its some kind of period in his life. but its better for you to have husband-bodybuilder instead of husband dependent on alcohol, for example. but it`s some kind of dependence too. think the best way is to consult with a psychologist. and first you than he!
▲
▼
[–]antishock8 [score hidden]  (0 children)
Don't enable narcissism. Talk to him. Tell him you're more than happy to support him as long as there's reciprocity. Stick to your guns because you're deserving of respect.
▲
▼
[–]ra42ub [score hidden]  (0 children)
I think this is a midlife crisis. Why the sudden passion?
▲
▼
[–]mma-b [score hidden]  (1 child)
What I take from your husband is that he's a dedicated individual first and foremost.
Do you know how many people half-ass the gym, wasting their time and making no gains?! Too many! The positive thing about your husband is that he's approaching it with intent, purpose and planning; he's doing it right in that he's getting the right supplements, training partners, food and rest. Body building is not easy to do or maintain, so please do not let yourself be ignorant of its requirements.
Your husband has (almost) three teenage daughters, and you. I'm sure you're all lovely, but he might need some alone time to himself for hobbies/projects/etc. but it just so happens that the project is him at the moment. Now, maybe he's taking it a little too far in your opinion, but if you talk to him about what his goals are (and his timeframe of achieving them) he might be dissuaded from continuing to do it as much as he is and dial it back a little, but a request for him to stop it is not advised because he will see what he's doing to himself for himself (and by proxy you) is a good thing, and he won't appreciate being asked to stop something so obviously positive and enjoyable. This is the tricky line you're going to have to walk along! Did he do anything to himself before hitting the gym hard? (If so, what happened?)
In summary, tell him he's not spending what you consider is enough time with you and his daughters, and how he's shirking on his efforts there, and that if he wants to get his meals right to do them himself! Tell him you appreciate him going to the gym and admire and respect his dedication to it, and then ask him what his goals are/how long it's going to take to achieve them (maintenance requires less of a time investment than gains for example). That should allow you to plan something a bit more 'family-friendly' whilst keeping everyone happy, but be warned he's going to feel like there's no good choice for him here as he's giving up something he enjoys whilst you're not giving up anything (only wanting him to give it up). Be careful how you approach it, and good luck!
▲
▼
[–]TheAgentWaffle [score hidden]  (0 children)
She's not asking him to drop it entirely, just to find a balance between his hobby/himself and his wife and kids. That isn't really a big ask at all, it simply requires him to consider what's important to him in life. I would presume his family is important to him, but it's not enough to just think it or feel it, because as it is right now his actions are saying they're not really a priority.
To OP: Ask if you can have an evening together every week/every other week? A scheduled family time to sit down together and do whatever you guys enjoy doing. If you're all relatively active, maybe a hike would be a nice, active compromise once in a while. Or an agreement that he sits down with you for dinner every day.
One suggestion I've seen on this sub is to have him list the things in his life that he enjoys, and then how much time he's currently spending on each of these things. It was, apparently, an eye-opener for the person who did it (unhealthy amount of time spent on games) to see the lack of balance.
▲
▼
[–]kramun [score hidden]  (0 children)
I don't want to give you the same advice as others, so listen to this perspective: being married with kids can be hard for guys. You may be the nicest person and hottest wife but a lot of things about being married with kids can drive a man insane. Basically every day is the same and some guys realize "my life has ended, it will be the same every day until I die". Bodybuilding is an escape. It is not only good for your body, it is good for the brain too. It can help you through a rough patch in life. It can help you build confidence, form nice memories and move on. People don't talk about these things that they want a divorce and want to quit their job. But from one point of view, he is doing things you don't like but he is still your husband, father of your kids, he works and provides etc. Don't take all this for granted.
▲
▼
[–][deleted] comment score below threshold[score hidden]  (0 children)
Okay. A few things going on here.
First, the following is based on my life experience, so not-all-guys applies.
First, I think you are feeling left out - I think that's on you. He has a hobby, he has friends to do that hobby with and I think you should let that one go. I know you want to spend time with him, but if he's like most men in his forties he has few or no friends - life revolves around family and work. I think it's great he's getting out there.
Second, he's spending a lot of time at the gym, so again not as much time together. I think he will have to cut back at some point - he's 42 not 30, he's going to pull, tear or strain something soon enough if he's lifting 6 or seven days a week.
I might suggest redirecting some of his energy and interleaving hot yoga (very hard to do well) in a couple of days a week. this is something you could and should do together. Pitch it as part of his workout regimen - and challenge him. Challenge him to do crow to handstand transitions by the end of the year. That will get commitment like nothing you've seen.
I also think the energy will fade after a year or so - keep in mind that 90% of a man's potential gains will occur in the first two years (what my trainer told me and for what I pay for a trainer he'd better be right).
And as for time together with the kids and you, what happens on the weekend? Also, can he lift in the morning before work or is he restricted to lifting at night because that's when his circle lifts?
Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2017 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
π Rendered by PID 30145 on app-350 at 2017-03-09 15:45:19.656939+00:00 running db9b5a7 country code: NL.
Cookies help us deliver our Services. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies.  Learn More
0%
 
10%
 
20%
 
30%
 
40%
 
50%
 
60%
 
70%
 
80%
 
90%
 
100%