I [26F] asked my boyfriend [27M] of five years to consider an open relationship. He broke up with me and I'm heartbroken and going insane. (self.relationships)
{relationships}
40 ups - 12 downs = 28 votes
TLDR: I love my boyfriend, was curious about some other guys, asked him and he broke up with me on the spot. I feel like he's overreacting, how can I get him back?
I'm not going to bore you guys with huge blocks of text so here goes. I been with my boyfriend for five years. He's amazing - great job, family and friends love him, intelligent, attractive, supportive, and sex life is great. One of the important points is that we do not fight at all, and he's quite firm about this - he thinks fighting is a waste of time and for children. I learnt that early on in the relationship and realized it's something I've grown to agree with even though I hated it at first - we always sit down, discuss and talk about issues, and are able to reach compromises.
He's very understanding and patient, and never gets so angry that he has to raise his voice. He's also quite traditional in some aspects too (which is good and bad), although I've been able to talk to him and open his mind up about certain things - I know he hates cheaters and I do trust him, and I know he trusts me too - he never ever restricted me or not let me do anything. Because of these things about him, I'm quite confused by how he's acting.
I've been thinking about wanting to have an open relationship for a while, and it would be fair both ways - we would both get to sleep with other people, as long as we were honest with each other about it and it was purely physical. I know he's quite traditional, but it also never seemed like something he would be that against as he's said things like "I have nothing against girls who like to sleep around, as long as they don't pretend they're innocent/good girl etc." However, I'm not going to pretend that he isn't a monogamous type of guy, because he is, I just figured that maybe I could open his mind to something different!
He's very good in bed but I just wanted to have some other experiences - is that really wrong? I love him and it has nothing to do with just purely physical sex. So a few days ago I decided to bring up the topic with opening up our relationship with him. His only answers were are you joking or are you serious? To which I said I was being serious and wanted to know how he felt about it. He then told me that I could sleep with whoever I wanted to sleep with, and to have a nice life. Then he packed some stuff and left (we share an apartment), and I couldn't really stop him.
Since then he has blocked me from calling him, all his social media and won't speak to me. I don't know where he is staying because his friends refuse to talk to me and I've been crying my eyes out for the past few days. He has removed his relationship status from facebook and sent his friend over to get some of his other stuff, who has told me that he would eventually come to get the rest of things but wouldn't tell me anything else. He said that I've done enough damage and he's ashamed that he thought I would end up married with his friend. He also told me that I would be happier and better off if I didn't pretend to be somebody I wasn't when I started dating again.
If he said he wasn't comfortable with it I would have been okay with that but he never gave me a chance, he literally just broke up with me for bringing it up and he's never been like this before. I've been going to his workplace but haven't been able to see him and I can't get into the department where he works because you need to have clearance, and the receptionists say that he isn't taking any visits from anybody either.
I love him so much and I've done nothing over the past few days except cry and cry and cry and I don't know what to do. I just want to talk to him and hear his voice, and have him forgive me for being so stupid and tell me everything is going to be okay and talk to me like he usually does but I don't understand how he can act like this and never acted like this before. I don't know what to do and I'm going fucking crazy
The only thing I've been able to get from him is that one of my mutual friends talked to him for a while, but he basically didn't want to talk about it to anybody else. But the friend did ask him if he's really going to throw away five years over something so small, to which my boyfriend apparently said that he's not throwing away anything, he's cutting his losses while he can.
Please help reddit! I really don't know what to do it feels like I'm falling apart - and what's even worse is some of my friends tell me what do you expect etc. .. and the others are there for me but don't know what to do either :(
Sorry if some things don't make sense, I'm a mess and everything is just coming out as best as I can write it down... if anybdoy needs to me clear anything up I will
172 comments submitted at 04:28:37 on Nov 7, 2013 by sighsodumb
  • [-]
  • FascinatingFades
  • 90 Points
  • 04:42:19, 7 November
No offense but this guy sounds pretty awesome and I want to be his friend.
You said in your outline that he is a "monogamous" type of guy and that the "sex is great." And based off what he said of girls who sleep around I can probably conclude he views it the same way I do. It's a free world, you can sleep with who and however many people you want to but that doesn't mean that I would want that person to be my girlfriend/fiancee/wife. It just means, yeah you posses the ability to do that.
You don't really explain why you want to sleep with other people? You just want experiences? I know there is a poly movement among some of the users here but they also would say it's only something that both people would be comfortable with.
I don't feel like you thought it out all that much. Think about what you're asking from his perspective. He's been amazing, you live together, you have great sex, he trusts you completely the relationships sound like one of the best on paper. And then you turn around and tell him, "Hey, we're doing amazing so I'd like to fuck other guys."
For anyone that is strictly monogamous saying something like to them is an implication of a plethora of things. I don't like sex with you, sex with you isn't enough, I fantasize about other penises being inside of me and now I want to act on those fantasies. And honestly it's hard to trudge your way back from that. I, for one, couldn't sit with a 5 year SO and have her tell me she wants to bang other dudes and have it be a discussion that is at all on equal footing.
With that said - I honestly think you're pretty screwed. If he was that quick to shut you down then your only hope is somehow in some way someone gets to him and tells him to stop overreacting.
For what you can do? I really don't know. Write an email? Write a letter?
I really don't think you have a lot of other options.
  • [-]
  • sighsodumb
  • -14 Points
  • 04:45:16, 7 November
I want to write to him but I think he will just throw it away, I don't know
Well it had been five years, and I wouldn't have minded having new people in our sexual lives, it would have gone both ways. I just thought he would have been open to new things. I don't understand why he would just cut me off without even giving me an explanation. I don't think that's really fair
  • [-]
  • FascinatingFades
  • 28 Points
  • 04:55:12, 7 November
So then he throws it away.
You're not getting anywhere anyway.
Right now you have no contact with him through any medium. If you don't write him a letter or send him an e-mail then your success rate is 0 versus maybe 1%. But it's still a chance so take it.
Be persistent but not crazy, I guess?
And you can't say "it would've gone both ways" and assume that's a compromise.

1 - I'm going to assume you're an attractive woman. With that assumption you getting laid is going to be incredibly easy.

2 - You're the one who wanted it, so you'll be the one out the door pursuing it. Again, you'll have more sex than he will.

3 - You're operating on the assumption he would even want to have sex with other women. He has a great job, a great girlfriend, awesome friends and a great life why would he also want to spend the ridiculous amount of effort it takes to stick his penis in a strange women when the women he loves and has great sex with is there when (or shortly after) he's home.

Just saying "it would have gone both ways," doesn't mean it would have.
And being open to new things is like skydiving, having sex on the beach, going to a country you aren't a fan of. Not, after 5 years in a relationship, having your girlfriend (love of your life) talk about banging other people. That's a pretty severe extreme of a life he was used to.
And maybe he didn't explain it, but it's obvious why he did it. He did it because you brought up fucking other dudes. There's not really much left to explain after that.
  • [-]
  • bigeyesbr
  • -2 Points
  • 06:20:46, 7 November
Right! /r/relationships has taught me that an open relationship means the girl having a bunch of guys, and the guy having a hard time dealing with that.
  • [-]
  • -Dalliance-
  • 28 Points
  • 05:28:16, 7 November
You keep saying it would be "fair" and it would "go both ways"... but you seem to be forgetting the fact that he's monogamous and wouldn't want to sleep with other people, and therefore YOU would be the only one doing so. That makes it unfair.
>I wouldn't have minded having new people in our sexual lives
No. It's not that you "wouldn't have minded". You actively wanted this, enough to bring it up seriously in conversation with the intention of persuading your boyfriend to embrace it and then to go ahead and sleep with other people.
>I just figured that maybe I could open his mind to something different!
When it comes to something so personal and deeply ingrained as one's attitude toward monogamy, it's very difficult to get someone to change their mind just through presenting a situation and subsequently have them truly be okay with non-monogamy. And frankly, to suggest that you could do it so easily is kind of insulting. People very often have strong reasons for and emotions surrounding the values that they hold.
>He also told me that I would be happier and better off if I didn't pretend to be somebody I wasn't when I started dating again.
Clearly, for him, it's an absolute must to have a girlfriend who is both monogamous AND not at all receptive to the idea of an open relationship. Because you've now shown that you don't fulfill the latter part of that requirement, he feels that you deceived him by omission. Perhaps he could've made his feelings more clear earlier on in the relationship, but the fact is that he didn't, and now here you are.
>I just thought he would've been open to new things.
There's a difference between being open to trying new things within the parameters of your existing relationship, and being open to changing the entire definition of your relationship, what is acceptable in those bounds, and what you consider to be infidelity. Those are HUGE, relationship-upturning "new things".
It would be kind of like saying to your staunchly atheist boyfriend, "I want us to become actively practicing Christians. Wait, why is this a dealbreaker for you? I thought you'd be open to new things!"
It's unfortunate that your relationship ended so suddenly over something you view as such a minor issue, but if your ex-boyfriend continues to hold fast to his principles (and there's every reason to think that he will), you two are ultimately no longer compatible.
Sorry.
  • [-]
  • Andrewticus04
  • 5 Points
  • 06:26:44, 7 November
This is solid advice, OP. Read the dick out of this - it explains why you're in serious need of some empathy. You chose to view things from your own perspective, asking stupid rhetorical questions, and calling his sexual preferences close-mindedness.
Thank you OP for the immensely satisfying justice boner. You're turning on other guys already! Exactly what you wanted!
  • [-]
  • suicidie
  • 55 Points
  • 04:54:23, 7 November
You probably changed his view of you forever. I would dump my SO for seriously suggesting an open relationship. If I stayed, I would feel too insecure about the relationship to continue. He's a monogamous guy, and you're not. And he realizes that it will never work.
  • [-]
  • sighsodumb
  • -19 Points
  • 05:16:02, 7 November
Can I ask why owuld you be too insecure? Even if your SO suggested it and you said no and they were fine with that and didn't bring it up anymore? I'm just trying to understand your thought process
  • [-]
  • jaghataikhan
  • 15 Points
  • 05:48:48, 7 November
She's evidently unsatisfied with me. Otherwise she'd never ask.
So end it before it inevitably causes more grief down the line when I still have some control over it.
  • [-]
  • afghansoul
  • 27 Points
  • 05:18:11, 7 November
i would always have the thought in the back of my mind that my SO is not satisfied with me ALONE.
  • [-]
  • nonononookyes
  • 44 Points
  • 05:18:36, 7 November
I'm not that person, but I feel the same way so I'll take a stab:
If my SO brought it up to me, it's obviously something they wanted. And if I shut them down, then one of two things would happen:
A) they remain unfulfilled and possibly build resentment in the relationship
B) they cheat.
The only way to win is not to play. Which is what he did.
  • [-]
  • Localidiot
  • -12 Points
  • 05:56:07, 7 November
Just because they brought it up? She didn't give him an ultimatum
  • [-]
  • nonononookyes
  • 13 Points
  • 06:14:02, 7 November
No, but she wouldn't bring it up because she was just curious about his stance on it. She wanted that.
  • [-]
  • Localidiot
  • -6 Points
  • 06:18:25, 7 November
Why not?
  • [-]
  • nonononookyes
  • 17 Points
  • 06:20:29, 7 November
Why not what?
I get that you're hear as the voice of progressive poly people or what have you, and you're right- open relationships absolutely work for some people, and there's nothing wrong with wanting one. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting one, and that's how the guy felt. He didn't want to stay with someone who didn't share that view.
  • [-]
  • throwawayalldayerday
  • 0 Points
  • 07:06:00, 7 November
I hate when people downvote the other side of an argument. It depends on how she brought it up and the prior conversations they had. If he had made 100% clear that he was only interested in monogamy and was never going to be interested in an open or poly relationship than I can see why this would bother him to the point of ending the relationship. If my SO came up to me and started talking about how they felt like they missed experiences and flings from having a long term relationship then I would absolutely have that conversation (nothing would change my mind on monogamy) but if my SO just blurted out that they wanted an open relationship then I would be taken back. Additionally if his response was "are you joking?" that was probably the point to try and go into damage control instead of keeping the conversation going. (obviously I have no idea how the conversation went but there is plenty of information missing so none of us really have any clue)
  • [-]
  • Andrewticus04
  • 14 Points
  • 06:05:13, 7 November
I, for one, fell out of love with my girlfriend of 2 years the moment she asked me if it was okay to sleep with other people.
I even remember the exact time and date - and it will be etched into my mind forever that the woman I wanted to give my life to didn't care to give herself to me too. Love is about making the other person happy, homie - not about how they can make you happier.
With that single question, you showed him that you don't actually love in the same manner that he does, and on top of that, you basically told him that you fantasize about other guys sticking their cocks in your cum dumpster. It's just sexual and nothing serious, right? Well to me, and guys like your ex boyfriend, it is serious.
Pay attention here, because this was his mindset - this is what you chose to look past, despite certainly knowing it was his mindset: For him sex is inextricably tied to love - and you knew that, but it didn't stop you from hurting him. That's why he left. In a cold, calculated, and unconcerned manner, you shit on the very cornerstone of how he defines love - by asking to make love with people other than him.
  • [-]
  • Whornet
  • 2 Points
  • 07:00:16, 7 November
Agreed. All of it.
"Love is about making the other person happy." I couldn't agree more . I find so much happiness when my SO is on cloud nine.
  • [-]
  • riptaway
  • 3 Points
  • 07:04:11, 7 November
It's telling how differently she sees sex than him. He sees sex as the physical manifestation of their love, as an intimate act where two people are as close as two people can be. She sees it as scratching an itch. Ew
  • [-]
  • Penaaance
  • 7 Points
  • 06:23:42, 7 November
I'm not the person you asked but...
  1. Because it shows they have no understanding of who I am as a person (monogamous).
  2. I would think that my SO felt like I wasn't enough/good enough for them. They want something that I can't give.
  3. I would think that my SO already had someone else lined up and was simply asking for a hall pass to cheat.
  4. How could I go in a relationship thinking that my SO was going to spend the rest of it lusting after other people and wishing they could sleep with other people?
  5. They already want to sleep with other people. If I say no, there's nothing stopping them from cheating on me and stomping on my heart.
  • [-]
  • Whornet
  • 1 Points
  • 06:51:04, 7 November
This is very easy to answer. Let's say he was okay with an open relationship. What thoughts would you have about him sleeping with other woman? What if he slept with her more than once a week? Would you be worried that he was developing feelings? Would he be thinking of her while he was fucking you? Would he be too distracted in fulfilling his fantasies with someone else that you'd be alone in bed more than you expected? If you're feeling emotional one night would you be able to trust that he still lusted after you like he once did? Or have you been replaced?
"Am I good enough?" "Is she better in bed?" "Why is he happier now? Did I not make him happy?" "Who is he texting? Is it the same girl?" "What does he tell her while he's fucking her?"
There are so many reasons to feel insecure in his type of relationship. I've been in an open relationship myself and have many friends who have been in the same and I will tell you that the chances of breaking up in this type of relationship are very high. Even if casual sex is the intention, additional feelings always seems to come up which is what ultimately ends the trust, which in turn ruins everything else.
A naive approach to open relationships is that they are just about sex and having fun. I will always wager towards people developing feelings for someone outside their relationship. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule, but as a standard, open relationships have a large turn over rate.
I am in a wonderful and fulfilling relationship now and I do not have eyes for anyone else. I will never have an open relationship again because I know what they are capable of.
Important note: if someone says they are monogamous, never bring up the open relationship idea. I've actually almost broke up with my current SO over a conversation the alluded to it, but luckily for me, I jus misunderstood her.
  • [-]
  • Whornet
  • 1 Points
  • 06:56:24, 7 November
Also, even if he said no, in his mind you can't just turn that urge off. He would forever feel concern over you wanting to fuck other people. Many of the examples I listed below apply to this. The very question you asked destroyed any trust and integrity he thought you guys had in the relationship. He now knows that he is not enough. I'd imagine that your question destroyed him. He is grieving you right now which is why there is no communication.
  • [-]
  • Localidiot
  • -22 Points
  • 05:55:35, 7 November
That's kind of closed minded. Things should be up for discussion without it automatically being a deal breaker. It's one thin if she asked to fuck his dog, but open relationships can and do work for some people.
  • [-]
  • senoranickers
  • 11 Points
  • 06:00:35, 7 November
And it wouldn't for him, and he already knew that. So it was a deal breaker. End of discussion. Next.
  • [-]
  • Andrewticus04
  • 1 Points
  • 07:09:09, 7 November
You can't just call something close minded and it just makes it so. Not liking a food you've never tried is close minded. Refusing to let your girlfriend fuck other guys is not.
  • [-]
  • afghansoul
  • 12 Points
  • 05:04:16, 7 November
You took a risk and it didn't plan out right, you gotta cut out your losses. if he would have stayed with you and communicated with you that he was not comfortable with you fucking other guys, he would slowly, but surely think in the back of his mind that he was holding you back, and that would slowly kill the relationship or he would start having trust issues with you, even though when you don't do anything, i think he made the right decision by "cutting his losses"
5 years is a long time, and i think you had someone on your mind when you thought of opening your relationship and he probably thinks that too.( thats just my opinion tho)
  • [-]
  • riptaway
  • 1 Points
  • 06:59:39, 7 November
His girlfriend of 5 years told him she wanted to fuck other guys. What he's doing is not only fair, but completely fucking logical and understandable. How are you still not getting this?
  • [-]
  • stormchaser
  • 1 Points
  • 07:16:45, 7 November
You keep saying 'it would have been equal, he could have slept with others too, it would go both ways' as though this makes it any better. Are you a child? If you murdered his mom and he got mad, would you say 'Don,t be mad, you can murder my mom too'?
His views on poly relationships were obviously known to you, so it's stunning to me that you thought he would change his mind as long he as was allowed to go poly as well.
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