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Donald Trump has one response to all the stories trickling out about him and his campaign having been in constant collusion with Russians, the Russians helping steal the election for him, and so forth, and it’s that “NO PUPPET. NO PUPPET. YOU’RE THE PUPPET.” Or in other words, “I’m not getting peed on by a Russian Hooker, you are getting peed on by a Russian hooker, you’re a VERY WET BOY!” Or, as he tweeted at Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer Friday:

The president of the United States, everyone. Take a fucking bow.

And how will Chuck Schumer ever recover from the ZING! and the BING BONG! Donald Trump just tweeter-twatted in his direction? Surely Trump has now proven that Chuck Schumer, and also all the rest of us, are the REAL ones who are getting blackmailed by Vladimir Putin! How will we ever recover from being “I know you are but what am I”-ed by the senile orange twat-grabber squatting in the White House?

Well, we could follow Chuck Schumer’s lead:

You show me yours and I’ll show you mine, Fuckface!

It seems like perhaps Donald Trump is under the impression that the crime he is accused of is having met a Russian, or having met Putin. Maybe that’s why he could never decide over the course of his campaign whether he and Putin were complete strangers, or maybe they are BFFs because Putin called him “brilliant.” (Putin did not call him “brilliant,” at least not in the sense that the word means “smart.” The Russian word means more like “shiny.”)

As Vox points out, the pic of Chuckles Schumer and Vlad Putin enjoying delicious donuts together (far more innocent than pee hookers, wethinks, ALLEGEDLY!) was taken in 2003 to commemorate the opening of a Russian-owned chain of gas stations in New York. That is not an impeachable offense, and it makes sense that the senator from New York might be on hand for such an occasion.

Now if Vladimir Putin had ordered hacking and otherwise interfered in the election between Schumer and whatever Republican goobers run against him, that would be a problem! If Putin, as the Steele Dossier alleges about Trump, had been cultivating Schumer as an asset for years, and then actively worked on behalf of his election, that would indeed be a big issue! If Chuck Schumer was using his position as a senator to undermine American interests in favor of Russia, well then LOCK HIM UP! and INPEACH!

But none of those things are in play here, Donald Trump’s Twitter burn is stupid, because he is a remarkably stupid and weak man, and we’re sorry we just spent 400 words saying so, but it’s Friday so fuck it.

Know what’s not dumb like Donald Trump’s Twitter burns? Giving yr Wonkette love offerings!

[Vox]

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  • Marceline

    You just know Dampnut had a big satisfied look on his jowly orange face when he sent that thinking, “Gotcha!”

    • magyar of infinite power

      And he was pleasuring himself with the other hand

      • NellCote71

        So that’s why KellyAnne was on her knees.

    • GoutMachine

      Totally. Then he went around the West Wing showing everyone. “Dude, look at this sick burn!” Everyone rolled their eyes.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Well, to be fair, he had just pinched some serious loaf.

  • Reality Kills

    Donald is a complete moron! Russian officials said the investigation was a “witch hunt”. Donnie repeated the exact same shit! Can’t you believe that?! Donnie, are you a Russian puppet? Da!!

    • DahBoner

      You can see Putins lips moving whenever Donnie talks.

      • Roadstergal

        I saw Putin drink a glass of water while Donnie was talking! Amazing!

  • Crank Tango
    • ariel_gee_398

      And he was so fucking proud of himself in that moment. What have we done?

      • Roadstergal

        I honestly thought that moment – him whining like a petulant toddler, then looking so smugly pleased with himself – was his death knell.

        Little did I know how many petulant toddlers were registered to vote.

  • major_asshole

    I looked at the orange shitgibbon’s Twitterings today for my amusement, and when I saw this my reaction amounted to “The fuck does he think this does–absolve him and his sycophantic underlings of all their shady and probably illegal bullshittery?”

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      He thinks his Trumpanzees will seize on it and the MSM will start shrieking about “both sides do it” and the whole Russia thing will be forgotten. Because: stupid.

  • Shucky Ducky

    Twitler’s also called for an investigation of Nancy Pelosi, but the tweet had to be posted in 3 or 4 different iterations because the dumb fuck kept misspelling “hereby.”

    This is not a joke. I mean, it’s kind of funny, but the shit stain really is that stupid.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      As in Hereby the Love Bug?

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Car 45, Where Are You?

      • Shucky Ducky

        Unfortunately, penicillin is becoming less and less effective against VW’s.

        • kindness

          It’s a bug & a feature!

    • Bebecca

      He’s our Precedent.

      • Paganish

        Needs moar “un-presidented”

  • Khavrinen

    “Donald Trump’s Sick Burns Are The Sickest Burns, Just Tremendous, You’ll Get Sick Of Burning”

    That’s what the penicillin is for.

  • Tallmutha

    Apparently he heard the phrase “The stupid, it burns” somewhere and thought that if he wrote something extra stupid it would burn his adversaries.

  • Asterix

    The President of the United States of America is a 12 year old.

    • magyar of infinite power

      12 year old LIBEL!@!!!

      • GoutMachine

        Yeah, I’d put him at 6.

        • YourMom

          6-year-old libel!

          • Rags

            AOT libel!

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      IKR? Even worse is this tweet will now be forever logged in the annals of history. Now, all future generations will know the stupidity of 2017.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      With even lamer dick jokes.

  • Asterix

    Did he tweet this while at the Catholic School or while on AF1 headed to his golf club?

    • yes

      • Asterix

        So glad he was paying attention to the ONE THING HE DID ALL DAY.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Don’t be silly. He has a whole team of social media experts at the FSB who handle this sort of thing for him.

    • cmd resistor

      My guess is the Schumer on the way from DC to school and the Pelosi one on the way from Orlando to PB. Supposedly he’s in PB now, so probably more tweets to come.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    He’s really comparing Schumer & Putin enjoying a delicious donut with Trump’s team committing (possible) treason? Really? Big difference there, buddy! Donuts are delicious. Treason? Not so much :(

    • Msgr_MΩment

      But you can’t hold a pastry responsible for the behavior of a few, sick perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fast food industry? And if the fast food industry is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our economy in general? I put it to you, Donald: isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

      • cmd resistor

        AND what ABOUT !!!Apple! pie 1!1!

    • All he has to do is try to twist the narrative that the the Dems are mad that they “talked” to them

    • cmd resistor

      I think it must depend on what kind of filling was in those so-called “donuts.”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    President Duncecap

  • memzilla Ω
    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I like it!

      • GoutMachine

        Yep, about the right level of chintz.

        • magyar of infinite power

          The pillars need to be gilded to complete the “look”

          • ariel_gee_398

            And a 40 foot high gold “TRUMP” sign.

  • Martini Ambassador
  • GoutMachine

    Man, he really is like that one kid in elementary school who thought he was so clever with comebacks, but everyone just looked at him and laughed and said, “Shut the fuck up, Donnie” and then he went home crying.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Treason is like a doughnut. Both are to die for.

  • WiscoJoe

    Dump calling anyone else a hypocrite is a bit hypocritical.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Isn’t that ironic?

      • OrG

        It’s like rain on your wedding day!

  • calliecallie

    “I know you are but what am I”
    Evan, I think we were writing that at the same time, only I was on the other post.

  • Nounverb911

    Trump forgot an important fact, they were Krispy Kremes…
    https://twitter.com/SenSchumer/status/837742016687714308

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Waiting for Trump to respond, No, YOU’RE the donut!

      • magyar of infinite power

        *your

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Well, that clears that up.

  • memzilla Ω
  • DahBoner

    Russian pee prostitutes were probably not allowable in Schumers travel budget.
    https://media2.giphy.com/media/11eSFDBBLEdjvW/giphy.gif

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’m sure the elder Lord Grantham knew all about Russian pee hookers.

      • The Wanderer

        I’ll bet he did. Victorians were kinky bastards.

  • JohnBull

    I wonder how that photo goes down among the boys in flyover country.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Can’t fap. 0.3 / 10.

  • OrG

    Bless his heart.

  • Martini Ambassador
    • Roadstergal

      I hear Donald Trump, and I want him to go bye.

    • Yr. Gma

      That is hysterical.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      He thinks his brutish, unfunny, badly spelled “sledgehammer wit” is so fucking clever and cutting doesn’t he? I hate that about as much as anything about him. Fucking silver-spooned white trash imbecile.

      • He is white trash

        • DahBoner

          I’ve never met any Republican who wasn’t. Even Senator Phil Graham.

          • NellCote71

            Especially Phil Graham. Texas politicians OWN white trash.

          • DahBoner

            I know one who claims his ancestors came over on the Mayflower and he is a backstabbing uneducated weasel. East Coast White Trash.

    • The Wanderer

      Fuck his tax returns. I want to see his school transcripts.

  • JoeChristmas

    And wasn’t Clinton the junior senator from NY in 2003??!??!!!
    What did she know about the meeting and when did she know it?

    • Roadstergal

      Don’t give Chafenuts any ideas.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      And she failed to mention it during her Benghazi testimony. Inpeech!!

  • Tallmutha

    He apparently got hipped to this lid-blower by Jim Hoft, SMOTI (Pay up, Shitbird), if anyone cares.

  • Nounverb911

    He wants an investigation into Pelosi now.
    (He seems pissed)
    ((good))
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/837770149767827456

    • Boy, what part of “Secret meetings” and “lying under oath” are these guys not getting?

      • GoutMachine

        Oh yeah? Well you once ate caviar. Who’s the turncoat now!

      • magyar of infinite power

        AOI, K

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Hope her comeback is equally good. Certainly, it’ll be in the “Sure. Let’s fire up that investigation into…dinner?” neighborhood, I’d hope.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      You heard him, Republican Congress. Trump wants you to open investigations on Russia’s meddling in our elections. Better get to it!

    • magyar of infinite power

      If only he had something like a federal bureau that did investigations to look into things.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    He also told a student “Don’t run for politics” with his “good brain” today.

    Now, where were we? Oh yeah, Jefferson Sessions and everybody in his campaign is lying about contacts with Russians while they were hacking the DNC and trying to help him “win politics”.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Donnie should take Melania’s advice and stick to “winning on TV”

    • cmd resistor

      Looking at those photos of him with those kids makes me so sad for all the wonderful Obama and kid pics (not to mention the Michelle and kid pics).

  • Vincent Ricola

    First-grade boy scouts would heckle Donald off-stage at their open mic comedy night. I hate having a Z-list stand-up comedian president.

  • JoeChristmas

    Still not as utterly stupid as “who knew healthcare could be so complicated?”

    • DahBoner

      NotDonnie.

  • Asterix

    Oy… I hate republicans. The poor will always be with us: http://crooksandliars.com/2017/03/kansas-congressman-argues-poor-people-are

  • Laffing Crow
    • SnarkON

      “I demand a second investigation….” FIFY Trump, you idiot. Omit Needless Words.

    • Petulant and demanding little bitch, no?

    • The Wanderer

      Wow. And he’s (supposedly) a college graduate who has “the best words.”

      • DahBoner

        Another uneducated person with a diploma. I work with these people every day.

    • magyar of infinite power

      Which part of the Official Record laws are he confused on. POTUS doesn’t get
      to delete shit. Ever.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Seriously. Freedom of Information Act/Public Records Act, asshole. You can’t just go delete-happy. Live with your inability to tweet out there in all its glory for all of eternity.

    • Longstreet63

      If only he had a majority in congress and some kind of Justice Department under his control…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I hearby declare this Friday over with a Hear by Hancock classic.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbkqE4fpvdI

    • Longstreet63

      To be fair, autocorrect can haunt anyone.

    • DahBoner

      Hear bye.

  • SnarkON

    Is that photo an outtake from one of Cosmopolitan’s nude male centerfold issues, circa 1983?

    • mancityRed6

      I’m more concerned by that classy lamp cord hanging from the wall.
      I haven’t seen sophistication like that since I left the trailer park.

      • SnarkON

        Donald Trump, photographed for Calvin Klein Underwear by Terry Richardson.

  • Crystalclear12

    A jackass for our jackass nation.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I’m having a hard time here. I keep thinking, “Surely Dolt 45 can’t be that stupid, can he?” and he keeps saying, “Hold my beer.” Is there a bottom somewhere? a base level of stupid that he can’t get below, no matter how he tries? Because it’s been 400 years, or 40 days or whatever, and there doesn’t seem to be a bottom to his pit of stupidity.

    • nope because now all his storm troopers have a talking point.
      Dems talked to Russians too, once!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      His childlike stuipidity almost makes him endearing. I think he thinks it’s his secret weapon.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Agree. I think he does the stupid act on purpose so people won’t believe he’s smart enough to pull off the terrible things he wants to pull off.

      • ariel_gee_398

        His chief weapons are childlike stupidity, Tic Tacs, and an almost fanatical devotion to Putin.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          I didn’t expect that.

      • The Wanderer

        He’s seventy. Nothing endearing about him.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Personally, I do not find childlike stupidity particularly endearing in a person who has control of the nukes.

        • Jennaratrix

          I don’t find childlike stupidity particularly endearing in a person who is not a child.

      • DahBoner

        Only smart people go to prison. Just ask them. They’ll tell you. 😁

    • Lefty Frizzell

      No. No bottom. You’re the bottom. WRONG!

    • Crystalclear12

      We bring shovels- the GOP

    • Paganish
  • The Wanderer

    Yeah, it’s Friday, it’s motherfucking Friday. I’m grilling ribeye steak for dins (lightly oiled, seasoned with kosher salt and pepper, and Nothing Else), and will serve it with toasted gnocchi and peas.

    • Asterix

      You had me salivating until you wrote peas.

      • The Wanderer

        They’re mixed in with the gnocchi, along with stuff like lemon peel and lemon juice, thyme and Parmesan cheese.

        • magyar of infinite power

          Nope. Peas are still involved.

          • The Wanderer

            Well, dessert is strawberries, stewed in Madeira and honey, and ladled hot over vanilla ice cream.

          • magyar of infinite power

            Steak –> dessert. Skip the rest.

        • Lefty Frizzell

          Pretty much anything with lemon and thyme is good.

        • Asterix

          No peas allowed.

          Will you feed me anyway? I’ll just throw the peas at you.

          • The Wanderer

            I’m doing pulled pork in the slow cooker tomorrow. After searing it’ll be cooked in hard apple cider with diced red onion.
            Oh, and Irish soda bread.

          • Asterix

            Hmmm, soda bread. A little early in the month for me.
            Great, now I’m hungry and all I have at home is a lean cuisine of dubious age, a rotten banana and a lot of alcohol.

        • DahBoner

          It is a classic, except for the touching each other part…
          http://www.theimaginaryworld.com/poloh16.jpg

    • Tallmutha

      Mash those peas into guacamole or GTFU.

      • Cock Blockula

        Mushy peas!

    • Laffing Crow

      Jealous!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “I looked deep into Vladimir Putin’s soul, and what I saw was clogged arteries.” — C. Shumer, 2003.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Politico just looked into the Pelosi picture: She says she meant that she never “met one-on-one with zee Russian Ambassador.”
    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/03/nancy-pelosi-sergey-kislyak-meeting-235653

  • memzilla Ω
  • John Iwaniszek

    Evan Hurst conducts a master class in profanity and pith.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    When I see those old pictures of Trump I can’t help but notice Joie de vivre and a plain level of humanity in his eyes. Where did it all go wrong constantly sqeaking or looking angry? What exactly did he get in exchange for his soul?

  • boyblue123

    Oh yeah, well one time Obama and Putin shook hands. Take that libtards

    http://cdn-assets.thepoliticalinsider.com/content/uploads/2015/10/putin-obama-shaking-hands.jpg

      • boyblue123

        Obama looks like he wants to drop Putin there…damn

        • Putin looks terrified. Flinching eyes, raised shoulders and all

          • Longstreet63

            Well, it was the first black guy Putin ever touched…

    • DahBoner

      Then Obama was criticized because he wasn’t friendly enough to the Russian murderer

      • Longstreet63

        Oddly, that means the Republicans are being surprisingly consistent about the issue.

    • Crank Tango

      Nobama made sanctions against the Russians, and everybody knows that sanction means to approve, so boom, mic daaaarop.

    • Chyron HR

      “And what do you want to be when you grow up, little guy?”

      • WotsAllThisThen

        “Ruler of your country, with dumb puppet President.”

    • Jenny

      Obama made Putin look like a chump. He and Trump have that in common.

  • mancityRed6

    Is it because Schumer is talking smack right now?
    They could have gone with this:
    http://www.frederickbernas.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/yeltsin-clinton.jpg
    *edit* nevermind, not pootin.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Ah yes, that one time it was the Russian and not the leader of the West who had a problem with alcohol.

  • Nounverb911
    • GoutMachine

      Dan Quayle is Carl Sagan, NDG and Einstein combined compared to Dolt 45.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “What a terrible thing it is to lose one’s mind.” Trump just keeps proving Quayle right.

  • shivaskeeper

    Ah. The old, “I know you are but what am I?” defense. It’s a classic and should go far in proving the innocence of DJT and pretty much everyone around him it seems. He won’t really be in trouble until he has to break out the insurmountable legal strategy of “I’m rubber and you’re glue.” Breaking out something like that would mean he realized it was time to get serious.

    • Crank Tango

      He’s already tried “why are you hitting yourself” on the JCCs…

  • ltmcdies

    https://twitter.com/scottbix/status/837725786018738176

    just reposting into a more appropriate spot that is featuring Chuck

  • goonemeritus

    I don’t remember being this embarrassed by Obama.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Only by his mom jeans.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Never, before today, would it have occurred to me how embarrassing it would have been, had Obama responded to mom-jean-gate with a bunch of tweets showing Republicans also in mom jeans.

      • Reddishrabbit

        I know this got a lot of play (I actually thought it was fine myself) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d0eed4ca540788105d138b00c764b0645aa0484e01d0001599f286178a532995.jpg

        • magyar of infinite power

          The tie is the problem. Too monochromatic.

          • Reddishrabbit

            Yeah, I’ll give you that. Honestly I find all politician ties to be boring myself, but maybe that is just my taste.

        • OneYieldRegular

          Yes, but compare that suit to Sean Spicer’s at Spicer’s first press conference.

          That’s how meme replacement is done.

    • veska

      Hell, I don’t remember being this embarrassed by W.

      • magyar of infinite power

        Ahh, the good old days of walking into doors and choking on pretzels. I never thought those would be the high points of Republican leadership.

        • TJ Barke

          The really sad thing is that those aren’t the low points.

        • At least Dubya had a sense of humor.

          • magyar of infinite power

            He looked better in a Top Gun jacket also, too.

      • cmd resistor

        Even the shoe throwing thing seems harmless.

    • Anna Rompage

      For fuckes sake, even Reagan was more sane well after succumbing to dementia…

  • Nounverb911
    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      These people should go on the road. They’re the world’s greatest contortionists!

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    More proof that Donald Trump has the maturity of a child. Thats unfair actually, I known some children who were more mature and smarter than Trumpy

  • Nounverb911
  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Oh, good lord. Someone get out the “Little Giant Pop-Up Book of Federal Crimes” and read it to Donnie, okay?

    • magyar of infinite power

      Melania has been reading to children this week. Maybe if she visits him at Mar-a-Largo she could do it.

  • laughingnome

    Is that still from Bob Crane’s last flick?

    • Crank Tango

      Too soon!

  • Granny Sprinkles

    OT: Canuckistan Sister made the mistake of going to Florida today. She was held at customs for a couple of hours “for safety”. Her plane is the little one in front, the one in back was full of Russian hookers and taco bowls. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/daedb6b2466db502497b3017cee1d0426c12bfdd47f9b8431f74ae30570c0a6b.jpg

    • I mean this without snark; all of our furrn friends should boycott us for a couple years.
      Hopefully it will not take longer than that.
      Because the next time it might not be “for a couple of hours”

      • Granny Sprinkles

        In the meantime, my ex (who is an immigrant and brown) is afraid to go visit his mother because he’s not certain he’d be able to get home.

        • ltmcdies

          oh man that sucks..

        • YourMom

          I worry that my daughter’s friend, who is of Iranian descent (born here) and is studying abroad, may have trouble coming home. Fortunately this state has a US Senator with a staff ready to battle FOR his constituents.

      • ltmcdies

        me and Mr LTMcDies have forgone a trip over the border……with the information on my passport, I’d probably be deported to fucking France before some of these border guards figured out the “canadian born abroad” thing

      • A_Changeling

        I think the invisible hand of the market is taking care of that. I’d be surprised if US tourism doesn’t take a big hit.

  • thewalkindude

    And that lasted, what? Three days?

    “The time for small thinking is over, the time for trivial fights is behind us,” he said. “From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears.”

    • oh hell, the next morning it was done.
      He just meant the Dems had to stop picking on him, tho

  • bookish
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    I hereby declare my English is better that POTUS https://twitter.com/mathieuvonrohr/status/837768501590953984

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Hemad, bro.

    • Nounverb911

      Yes, it is much better.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Somebody retweet Merriam-Websters.

    • shivaskeeper

      Lack of spelling skills and grammar aside, when did the government start being run by tweet?

      • Nounverb911

        When it elected a twat.

        • shivaskeeper

          I just don’t see even the GOPer controlled Congress jumping to start and investigation of anything just because the twat tweeted. I know he’s throwing red meat out, I get that, but I have to wonder if he actually thinks tweeting for something to happen will make it happen.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            It seemed to work when he asked Russia to release hacked emails.

          • shivaskeeper

            Russia was running it’s own game. Never think they took or now take orders from DJT. All they are concerned with is a weaker US to allow them more freedom to do whatever they want.

    • laughingnome

      Show off.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Well I can’t find any pride in being able to type “hereby” without two corrections.

    • Longstreet63

      If Presidential tweets have force of law, doesn’t that mean we are really controlled by the auto-correct on his phone?
      Because that thing is implacable.

      • Reddishrabbit

        Honestly, I’d rather have the autocorrect as president than Trump.

        • Crank Tango

          You got that ducking right!

        • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

          Where’s Clippy when you need him?

          • Gayer Than Thou

            “I see you’re trying to run your democracy into the ground for your own personal gain. Would you like help with that?”

          • Reddishrabbit

            Clippy 2020! Can’t hurt!

          • Rags

            “It looks like your having trouble maintaining a representative government. Can I help?”

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Unlike his picks for cabinet the phone can not claim later it was misunderstood or simply viified for being an Apple.

  • magyar of infinite power

    Fuck these people. Seriously. Fuck them.

  • Crank Tango

    • Is mega church?

      • Lord Jim

        Pretty peppy for an old lush. Oh, BTW, we have Boris to thank for Pootie Poot.

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        Just President Yeltsin being wacky. Makes a good Youtube search.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Jesus Christmas I can’t look away.

      • OneYieldRegular

        The spell can only be broken by someone posting a Yeltsin Speedo pic.

    • Hutch

      And we do hokey-pokey and we shake all about….

      • Gayer Than Thou

        In Soviet Russia, hokey-pokey shake you all about.

    • Shucky Ducky

      Someone really needs to ‘shop some Shake Weights into this.

    • Laffing Crow

      Boy, he was a lot younger and thinner then.

      • Crank Tango

        He’s probably pretty thin now.

    • Nockular cavity

      “Heyyyyy, macarena!”

  • Nounverb911

    I knew there was something important happening today, Happy National Tartar Sauce Day everyone.

    https://twitter.com/pbpost/status/837643048242855938

    • Crank Tango

      I will relish the opportunity to celebrate that, cod willing.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I sea what you did there.

      • You just haddock say it, didn’t you?

        • Crank Tango

          I’m breading I’m gonna get fried for that, but I did it just for the hallibut.

      • The Wanderer

        You said that for the halibut, right?

        • Crank Tango

          gah!

    • Jamoche

      On a Friday in Lent. Good choice.

    • Alan

      I ask for cocktail sauce.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I demand a special day for Crimean Tartar Sauce!

    • magyar of infinite power

      Nice! I’m grilling fish for dinner. Because Lent.

  • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

    If your “Presidentialness” wears off after 4 hours, you’re probably Donald Trump.

  • JMP

    I know you are, but what am I?

  • Marceline

    Donald always starts to unravel on Fridays. He really doesn’t have the stamina for this job.

    • cmd resistor

      Couple of rounds of golf, and a wedge salad, and he’ll be good as new.

      • Anna Rompage

        Lets not forget a good long golden shower from his chamber maid…

    • azeyote

      low energy – sad

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Doesn’t look very presidential, either.

    • Crank Tango

      Low energy! Sad! Terrible!

  • bookish

    http://www.reuters.com/article/us-transcanada-keystone-steel-idUSKBN16A2FC?feedType=RSS&feedName=newsOne&google_editors_picks=true

    The Keystone XL oil pipeline does not need to be made from U.S. steel, despite an executive order by President Donald Trump days after he took office requiring domestic steel in new pipelines, the White House said on Friday.

    “It’s specific to new pipelines or those that are being repaired,” White House spokeswoman Sarah Sanders told reporters on Air Force One, when asked about a report by Politico that Keystone would not need to use U.S. steel, despite Trump’s executive order issued on Jan. 24.

    “Since this one is already currently under construction, the steel is already literally sitting there, it’s hard to go back. Everything moving forward would fall under that executive order,” Sanders said. The southern leg of the Keystone project is completed and started pumping oil in 2013. Some pipe segments that could be used for Keystone XL, which would bring oil from Alberta, Canada to Nebraska, have already been built.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      IF it’s true that the foreign pipe is already bought and sitting there, and IF it’s true that they’ll use domestic as soon as that’s used up – he kinda gets a pass on this from me. IF. Since the Trump Whitehouse has lied about everything else I’d want some independent proof.

      • YourMom

        Exactly. It’s so very hard to trust anything they say.

  • Amelia

    Ah yes, Donnie. Making Colbert’s monologue great again. And again and again and again…

  • bookish

    http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-immigration-children-idUSKBN16A2ES

    Women and children crossing together illegally into the United States could be separated by U.S. authorities under a proposal being considered by the Department of Homeland Security, according to three government officials.

    Part of the reason for the proposal is to deter mothers from migrating to the United States with their children, said the officials, who have been briefed on the proposal.

    The policy shift would allow the government to keep parents in custody while they contest deportation or wait for asylum hearings. Children would be put into protective custody with the Department of Health and Human Services, in the “least restrictive setting” while until they can be taken into the care of a U.S. relative or state-sponsored guardian.

    • Anna Rompage

      Jesus fuck, this man, and his minions are deplorable! Fuck all of them with a rusty chainsaw!

    • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

      Family values my ass. Hateful shitheads.

      • Sandy Beaches

        all lives matter. Yeah, sure they do.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Wait, what??? Do the parents get the babes back or do we keep them because the administration knows how bad optics deported children are? Do they have souls?

      • TJ Barke

        “Do they have souls?”
        Do you really have to ask?

        • magyar of infinite power

          I just assumed IOLC was drunk.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          *sighs* no.

      • Alan

        Finder’s keepers.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      As a single dad of a 3,5 year son I wouldn’t want to live another day if my child would be taken away from me and him to be put in some foster home crying to tears he would never see his dad or mom again because of some hideous plan to keep people from trying to find a better live for him. This is the definition of evil people. Destroying a kid’s life to make a point.

      • YourMom

        I think it’s a Twitter account called LOLGOP that said it best. The new 2017 definition of PC: Pointless Cruelty We really should make it stick.

  • Nounverb911
    • Crank Tango

      Sometimes not even spellcheck can save you.

      • Vincent Ricola

        “hear-by”

        • YourMom

          The Twitterverse roundly mocked him and it was very, very funny.

      • magyar of infinite power

        It’s safe to say he had someone turn it off

    • Crank Tango

      The fucked up part is, they are probably holding hearings right now on that.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      What a worthless, disgusting piece of human garbage.

      • Jack Tenhet

        Improper use of “human”.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      His grammar is far more offensive.

    • Nockular cavity

      Now THAT is something to end the week on.

    • yyyaz

      I hear by my ear.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    Why do you insist on using that picture? I’m not blind enough.

  • bookish

    http://dailycaller.com/2017/03/03/exclusive-who-brought-carter-page-onto-the-trump-campaign/?google_editors_picks=true

    An in-depth Politico report about Page in September cited campaign sources who speculated that he [Carter Page] was brought on by Clovis.

    How Page was brought into Trumpworld has become a topic of intense interest in recent weeks.

    The former Merrill Lynch banker was identified in a New York Times report last month as one of the former Trump advisers who is being investigated for possible contacts with Russian government officials. The full nature of the investigation is unclear, but federal investigators are said to have evidence of phone calls and contacts between former Trump campaign advisers and Russian government officials.

    Though Trump & Co. have since downplayed Page’s role on the campaign, Trump was the first to publicly identify the energy investor’s advisory position.

    • Crank Tango

      There has to be a better way than clicking on that link…

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Nope. Not going there.

  • Alan

    I respectfully request that I no longer have to click on a story and see that bedroom photo of SCROTUS. It’s rather unsettling. Thank you.

    • magyar of infinite power

      Please don’t jinx us – the evil people that run this joint will surely find something worse

      • Alan

        The Russians haven’t released that yet.

        • Crystalclear12

          You know it’s in our future. Lurking ready to flood the air with a wave of yellow journalism!!

          • Alan

            Yep, as soon as it’s more useful to share them than not.

        • YourMom

          Yep…won’t be any drip, drip, drip.

      • yyyaz

        ButtGut.

      • Sandy Beaches

        The ones with ivanka are WAY worse.

    • Cock Blockula

      It’s better than that naked drawing (you KNOW the one!), or the statues that appeared around the country last year.

      • Alan

        Nope, not familiar with that and I suspect I’m better off for it.

  • whitroth

    Non-sequiturs are not burns. What they show is you have no idea how to respond to something you’ve seen, and are desperate to say *something*.

    Looser, Donny, looser.

  • Shoto

    “Donald Trump’s Twitter burn is stupid, because he is a remarkably stupid and weak man”

    Well, yeah. But to be fair, he has the weirdest pervo combover in history, so that’s something, right?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald, as you may have surmised by this point in time, is not exactly a full happy meal.

    • Hutch

      Or as Colbert observed, “He’s not the sharpest knife on the Christmas Tree.”

  • Alan
  • WomanInThePersistence
  • Nounverb911
  • Msgr_MΩment

    The stupid is spreading! http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/03/europe/polish-politician-remarks-women/ Polish member of Europarliament mansplains why men should earn more than women.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I knew it was communicable. We’ve been lied to!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Wrap it up, people. Full body condom or GTFO!

        • Crystalclear12

          Kill it with fire.

    • ltmcdies

      I think he got some “womansplaining” in Spanish….

    • h4rr4r

      It’s Poland, if this surprises you need to travel a bit more.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Lived in Czechia for a year. Could have been Hungary, also too.

  • whitroth

    Speaking of *good* lines – has everyone seen the story about Tom Hanks today? Seems that for the third time since 2001, he’s sent the White House press corps an espresso/coffee maker. His note, at least this time, mentioned that they should keep fighting for truth, justice, and the American Way….

    (Quick, name the reporter associated with that line….)

    • TJ Barke

      One Clark Kent, of the Daily Planet. Illegal immigrant.

      • Rags

        mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper. oldz

      • whitroth

        Not true! My favorite newspaper, the only *reliable* one (they say so on their cover), reported on this. It was early April of ’93? ’94? “NASA finds alien baby in crashed UFO!” And in a small block, “Unidentified farm couple waiting to adopt”

        See! Legal!

    • SnarkON

      I said this on another thread today, but the real way to support the press is to ensure reporters are paid decent salaries, and the way Hanks could do that is by encouraging his followers to subscribe to a damn newspaper.

      • h4rr4r

        They need to adopt modern methods.

        Last I check most of them show advertising even to subscribers, that’s a no go.

        • SnarkON

          You must not have any idea how much money it costs to put out a good paper (virtual or otherwise). If you wanted to subscribe to a paper without ads, you’d have to spend 10X as much.

          • magyar of infinite power

            I never bitched about ads here, and I won’t do it for any other paper/publication/bqhatevr

          • h4rr4r

            Your claim is rather suspect.
            You are saying per reader advertisements pay 10 times the cost of a subscription. That does not seem to line up with the costs to take out an advertisement.

            Do you have any evidence for it?

            The New York times makes more from subscriptions than advertising:
            http://www.businessinsider.com/the-new-york-times-now-gets-more-revenue-from-subscribers-than-advertisers-2013-2

            This article shows over the last decade it has been more common to have a 60% advertising and 40% subscription split.
            http://ajr.org/2014/02/27/big-shift-reliance-reader-payments-newspapers/

            Both of those make your claim seem even more outlandish.

            If the reality is the prices would only be slightly more than double, yes that is worth ditching advertising. Based on current nytimes pricing that looks like $20/month. Until that option exists I won’t subscribe.

  • ViveLaPersistence

    Stop using that picture. Think of the children! Think of the grandmas! Think of the not-yet-inebriated wonkers at work having to explain the vomit noises.

    • SnarkON

      Could be worse. Could be of him now, instead of 40 years ago.

      • TJ Barke

        Could be sans robe…

        • magyar of infinite power

          Speedo. Nothing is worse than a 70 year old in a speedo.

  • hendenburg2

    “but it’s Friday so fuck it.”

    And it’s Anyday, so fuck’im

  • azeyote

    am not – am to — jo momma – no jo momma and it’s my ball and i’m going home

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Please tell me this isn’t the open thread. Because what an awful way to end the week.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      She looks so bloody much like my mom.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      My face in permanently trapped in that exact expression.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      HRC = Her Royal Cromulence?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        That sounds perfectly cromulent to me!

    • Vincent Ricola

      I would love to see Hillz and Huma’s email correspondence for the last 42 hours. I’ll bet it’s hilarious.

      I’m just kidding, Russia. Please leave Hillz and her emails the fuck alone already

    • CeeQ

      Hillz – “color me fucking not surprised….”

  • TheGrandWazoo2
    • Marion in Savannah

      Oddly enough, “Superstore” is one of the only things that’s keeping Mr. MinS and me from suicide…

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    For Trump it doesn’t matter whether it makes sense or is clever or even somewhat pointed. What matters is that he’s given his dumb-ass cult followers something to yell at the libruls.

  • Relativicus

    In other news, in response to a fourth-grader who’d said she would like to start her own business, the jackass replied “That’s a good idea. Make a lot of money, right? But don’t run for politics after.”

    Why has nobody ever asked him exactly what definition of “Great” he’s been using?

    • SnarkON

      That’s actually the most honest thing he has ever said.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        run for politics. full retard mode today.

  • Longstreet63

    It’s now my working theory that “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” is a prophetic metaphor for our current White House. Only Jessica is married to Judge Doom.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy5THitqPBw

    Because any old excuse…

  • Jgb979

    There are few things sadder than an idiot who doesn’t realize it.

    Discipline your kids before they turn into Donald Trump
    #thisiswhatliberalswant

  • Marceline
    • Nounverb911

      BAGGAGE!

    • Marion in Savannah

      Too tired of winning, is he?

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Even he’s more presidential than Donnie

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Make
      Busey
      Great
      Again!

      • chazmanr

        Busey is living proof that you should wear a helmet when riding a motorcyle!

        • Marion in Savannah

          Actually, Busey seems to be living proof that some folks should wear a helmet any time they’re not in bed. And maybe then too.

          • chazmanr

            Busey has always been opposed to helmets even after suffering severe brain injuries in a motorcycle accident in which his unprotected melon lost an argument with a curb.

          • Marion in Savannah

            My point exactly.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Trump can do it when he’s not busy tweeting and golfing, though it might cut into his TV watching time.

    • cmd resistor

      Of course Trump will not be able to refrain from tweeting about how the ratings were not due to a boycott but due to Arnold’s shittiness.

      • sw19bender

        Rule Number 1 for Sociopaths: it’s always someone else’s fault.

        • TakingAmes

          So much for “the buck stops here.”

    • Jamoche

      “With Trump being involved in the show, people have a bad taste and don’t want to… support the show.”

      Dude. Even before the elections, him being involved gave people a bad taste. Even when the TWoP recaps were absolutely awesome, it wasn’t worth watching the actual show.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I miss TWoP.

        • Sandy Beaches

          I think it is making a return.

  • Nounverb911
    • WotsAllThisThen

      God I love that woman.

    • Crank Tango
    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Trump has gone full retard today.

      He’s hiding something bad.

      • Nounverb911
        • Jamoche

          Is that a desk or a coffin?

          • Marion in Savannah

            BOT,K. (One can hope…)

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Ah! So that’s where The Ghouliani is kept!

          • NellCote71

            Internet win!

      • Vincent Ricola

        Nothing about anyone in the Trump administration conveys an “innocent” vibe.

      • snark-lurker

        who izn’t? **glances at secret hiding place**

        • janecita

          Not me **nervously removes the bodies from the basement**

      • yyyaz

        His breath? His taint? His burnt-steak and ketchup farts?

        • Jack Tenhet

          Yeah, burnt $60 dollar steak and. . . ketchup. Such a waste.

          • TakingAmes

            I just can’t even with that. I hope the chef switched out the preferred cut with, like, flank steak or something.

          • Jack Tenhet

            Most decent restaurants only use older meat when some idiot orders it well done. By older, I don’t mean “aged”, I mean “about to go bad” because they can’t serve it rarer and they can’t throw it out yet.

          • Sandy Beaches

            It’s like ordering a glass of expensive red wine and telling the waiter to, “drop a cube in it.”

      • AJ Milne

        I really do get that sense.

        Latest misdirection has a real ‘Shit, now what/might as well try this, I guess’ quality.

    • ltmcdies

      It’s like the Dems decided if Trump can tweet to the masses over the media…so can they…only the Dems will be amusing and sane

    • CeeQ

      This, children, is how you do the sick burn. Class dismissed.

  • Nounverb911
    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Everything else he does makes us want to cry.

  • ltmcdies

    https://twitter.com/TomPerez/status/837699013101105152

    Dems are catching on to this whole twitter thing

    • Vincent Ricola

      I’m really enjoying Tom Perez’s feistiness. He’s much more fun than DWS.

      • Lambsendbeds

        A case of genital herpes is more fun than DWS.

        • yyyaz

          Unless she is where you caught it.

          • ltmcdies

            eye bleach, please

          • sw19bender

            She can get you a discount on prescriptions from her Pharma friends. And also get you a great deal on a loan to cover it. Only 49.5% a month interest!

      • YourMom

        He’s sharp..and funny. Wandering off to make a donation…..

    • Marceline

      They really are.

    • thewalkindude

      Did you see one of the replies to Reinhard’s tweet?

      Reince45 @POTUS why don’t the whitehouse start fighting fire with fire and start investigating the dems in all there dirty secrets

      • ltmcdies

        can none of these guys form a readable English sentence … “in all there” ….fuclk

  • bookish

    http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/mar/3/mexico-launches-nationwide-effort-in-us-to-help-mi/

    MIAMI (AP) – Not only is the Mexican government not building a wall. It is spending $50 million to beef up its legal aid to migrants who fear deportation, a response to President Donald Trump’s crackdown on illegal immigration.

    All 50 Mexican consulates in the U.S. on Friday launched legal assistance centers to form partnerships with nonprofit groups and tap lawyers to provide legal assistance to those fearing Trump’s policies.

  • shaar dula

    Make the Asshole Go Away

  • Chadwells
  • sw19bender
    • yyyaz

      I prefer to think it translates as “sheeny.”

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      We are too pretty to die.

      • sw19bender

        “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”
        – Trump/Putin

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          “You can’t take the Russky from me”

  • Nounverb911
  • bookish

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/03/03/senate-judiciary-committee-wont-recall-attorney-general-jeff-sessions/98698288/

    The chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee has no plans to recall Attorney General Jeff Sessions to testify about his failure to disclose contacts with the Russian ambassador to the United States during the former Alabama senator’s January confirmation hearing.

    A spokeswoman for Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley said Friday that he will accept a written clarification of Sessions’ testimony, despite mounting calls from Democrats for the attorney general to explain under oath why he did not acknowledge two separate meetings last year with Russian envoy Sergey Kislyak.

    • Jenny

      8 months from now the Republicans will throw him under the bus. About the time campaigns go into full swing.

  • Nounverb911
    • veska

      I’d totally forgotten about her.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        Who is she?

        • Nounverb911

          No one any more ever.

        • TJ Barke

          A (former?) foxbot.

        • ViveLaPersistence

          I thought it was the lady from Little House on the Prairie, but judging by the stupidity, I am wrong.

        • OrG

          Ann coulter wannabe.

        • Undocumented Skwerl!

          She was Miss Teen Oskaloosa in 1979

        • Sakonyachen

          That person that needs attention so bad that the awkwardness makes you back away slowly.

        • Sandy Beaches

          The racist version of Ann Coulter.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        With tweets like that, it seems she wants to make sure we continue to forget about her.

    • marxalot

      Who?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      No, it was “Wet Nights” with Natalia and Anastasia, pee hookers.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Not his fault. He was following Trump’s orders.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Plus expenses.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot
    • magyar of infinite power

      I thought she was dead. Pity.

    • Sandy Beaches

      Isn’t she the one that got into hot water for using the “N-word” on her show? Yeah. She is. That fucking twat shouldn’t even be allowed to THINK about Gregory Hines, let alone tweet his picture. I hate that stupid cunt.

  • Tim Ranney

    OH. THE SHADE YOU THROW

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      It’s not a pre WWF trash talking session Donald.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Trump: “I told you not to look at Russia because there is nothing to see there. No Russia. No Russia. For the last time don’t look at Russia!”

    • Nounverb911

      “But, but, but donnie, I can see Russia from my porch.”
      –Moosolini j Palin

  • marxalot

    A vacuum, wrapped in a void, topped with a flashy nothing, that’s the man in the Oval.

    • Nounverb911

      In Space, No Body Can Hear You Scream Tweet.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And served on an iceberg lettuce leaf.

      • Longstreet63

        And served in a Trump restaurant for $27.

        • Marion in Savannah

          More like $49.95.

          • Crank Tango

            And for that you get a wedgie and they don’t even toss your salad. Sad! Weak!

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Overdone, with ketchup.

      • Yr. Gma

        The whole wedge.

        • Marion in Savannah

          For the whole wedge you pay extra.

  • Sakonyachen

    “(Putin did not call him “brilliant,” at least not in the sense that the word means “smart.” The Russian word means more like “shiny.”)”

    If all this is true, my guess is the translator was stroking Trump’s ego to avoid being fired. Not that he would get paid anyway.

  • bookish

    https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2017-03-03/ags-recusal-portends-continued-pressure-on-russia-meddling

    Some Democrats worry the appointment of a Jeff Sessions subordinate to oversee an investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election won’t be a clean enough break from the embattled attorney general.

    But the veteran prosecutor in line for the job may be uniquely politically palatable.

    Rod Rosenstein, who faces his confirmation hearing next week for the role of deputy attorney general, was appointed top federal prosecutor in Maryland by George W. Bush and remained in the post for the entire Obama administration. That staying power, extraordinary for a position that routinely turns over with changes in the White House, lends weight to the reputation he’s cultivated as an apolitical law enforcement official.

    “He is so well-respected. He cannot be influenced, he cannot be bought, he cannot be pressured because of outside political forces,” said Baltimore criminal defense attorney Steven Silverman, who has known Rosenstein for years.

    • Proud Liberal

      He looks fun….

  • Proud Liberal

    Poor, poor Donald. He isn’t liking the pressure one bit. It’s going to get a hell of a lot worse.

    • Marion in Savannah

      See, the thing that terrifies me is that I agree with you. The scary part is that it’s likely to get A WHOLE LOT WORSE. (I’m heading back under the bed now…)

      • Proud Liberal

        I know. He’s already burning shit down. I’m afraid to even think what he’s capable of doing.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “You know what they say. If you can’t stand the heat, demolish the kitchen.”
      -S Bannon

      • Lord Jim

        “We racist psuedointellectuals prefer the term deconstruct.”

  • ltmcdies

    so….all you MSNBC/CNN and other punditry types….hows the old presidential “reboot” working out for yah?

    Still impressed that a 70 year old man can stand and read English words correctly for an hour

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      “White nationalism with an indoor voice” is the most accurate description I heard.

      • sw19bender

        Ah, the ‘Speak softly and be a big dick’ school of thought.

    • Jamoche

      Amazing how much credit he gets for managing “very well spoken”.

      • ltmcdies

        or standing up right or not having a twitter meltdown from the podium

    • Choosymom

      He might have read them correctly, but they were still read with that voice, that horrid, pugnacious, condescending, lip-curling voice. Ugh.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Obama would annoy me , because at times he spoke like he was lecturing to a class. But Dampnut makes my blood boil. The voice, the stupid hand gestures, the outrageous lies. It’s the whole package.

        • Lord Jim

          Those mincing little right-hand gestures bring tears of despair to my eyes.

        • BeachBum

          Bammerz did lecture a lot, but it was ok with me as long as I learned something. And I usually did.
          I am already sick and disgusted with Der Trumpefurer.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Donnie T. Really just look this guy. This the best he can do? Terrible. Very, very disappointing. Sad!

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Schumer doesn’t have a hot wife with fake tits who makes out with hot models while nekkid for money. Total loser.

    • janecita

      I bet that his wife can speak in full sentences though!

  • bookish
    • Sandy Beaches

      Kislyak met with Sessions at the Republican National Convention to discuss Armed Services Committee bidniss. That’s their story? They must think we are as stupid as they are.

      • Notreelyhelping

        And he traveled to meet him using campaign funds. Nothing to see here, folks!

  • Tallmutha

    Courtesy Talking Points Memo:

    A White House spokesperson said the the President had “zero” involvement when asked whether Trump knew about hisstaff’s reported interactions with Russian nationals.

    “The big point here is the President himself knows what his involvement was and that’s zero,” White House spokesperson Sarah Sanders told reporters aboard Air Force One on Friday, according to a pool report.

    “And I think that he’s the primary person that should be held responsibility [sic] and he had no interaction and I think that’s what the story should be focused on,” she said.

    The statement came in response to a question described by one pool reporter as “whether POTUS has a grasp of all the interactions of his staff and Russia.”

    Let’s see– how many ways can you find in which that is a comically inept statement for a spokesperson to deliver?

    • Choosymom

      All the ways.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      the Seargent Schultz defense:”I know nothing…”

    • BeachBum

      Worms ! Too many worms ! So the question was about “has a grasp”, and she answered “0 involvement.” Your Honor would you please have the witness answer the question.
      Follow Up : Can there be grasp without involvement, and can 0 involvement be defined as complicity and negligence under the law ? Now I have a headache.

    • Mike Steele

      Let us all remember to send Sarah a thank-you note if they ever get around to following the money and Donald is the primary person held ‘responsibility’.

  • Laffing Crow

    Yeah, this Russia thing is really crawling up on top of the Donny.

    German political magazine cover mocks Trump, Putin relationship https://t.co/PMtxGHQ9Hb pic.twitter.com/whQowTWtbk— The Hill (@thehill) March 3, 2017

    • janecita

      He looks way better with the new face.

      • Crank Tango

        Either way it’s Putin me off.

        • Thaumaturgist

          You’re Russian to your conclusions.

          • Lord Jim

            I’m trying to get rid of cheap puns. Mind Lenin me a hand?

          • Thaumaturgist

            You’re just Stalin.

          • Suse

            Crimea river!

          • Thaumaturgist

            I’m a Trotsky on outta here.

          • Lord Jim

            Fucking checkmate, right there.

          • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

            Hey, John’s Lennon Jim a hand!

          • Rags

            Ukaraine Crimea a river.

        • NellCote71

          I am vlad to see these very, very good puns. These are the best puns. Believe me.

    • Laffing Crow

      They fixed it’s hair up quite a bit too.

    • Inconstant Reader

      My German-speaking husband tells me that Doppelregent, which translates as double ruler, also sounds like the word for double agent. Germans like puns, too!

      • A_Changeling

        Co-regent? Like when the king is an infant so someone needs to do the actual ruling?

    • tinker12
  • snark-lurker

    i was told there would be dick jokes

    • Laffing Crow

      You saw the pic at the top of the page?

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      It’s more like “no dick” jokes.

  • Jamoche

    http://www.newyorker.com/news/john-cassidy/sessions-revelations-leave-donald-trump-in-another-fine-russian-mess

    “The only piece of advice that I can give is that, in a situation like this, avoid reacting to all such anonymous, baseless fake news stories and rely only on official statements by genuine officials,” Dmitri Peskov, Vladimir Putin’s spokesman, said, in Moscow.

    Find me a genuine official in the US first.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Make sure you talk to Miss Cleo, who is a real psychic, not like those other fake psychics.

      • Jamoche

        I’ll need a psychic to talk to her these days, though.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          She would tell you she’s still better than the living ones. And she still gets her commission.

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    Liberals are so much better at insults and comebacks than conservatives, and that’s a #truefact, not an #alternativefact. It’s because we appreciate a varied vocabulary, understand sarcasm, and left “I know you are but what am I” back in third grade where it belongs.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      We are also more creative, and less fearful.

      • Jennaratrix

        And we don’t get all pissed off right away. It’s hard to be funny and sarcastic when rage-typing; see TLM and the various repeat-offender trolls around here as proof.

    • Cock Blockula

      We also spell words correctly and know the correct forms of homonyms, homophones, and homographs. Homo anything, really.

      Also punctuation… we are TREMENDOUS at punctuation!

      • Rags

        and litotes!

      • Notreelyhelping

        ‘Thats’ an fakt, jak”!

      • formerChild

        On the rare occasion that a conservative manages to say something funny, you can be confidant it was accidental.

    • subatomic

      Yes, but only other liberals can appreciate it… sad.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Also capable of irony, which is sort of basic to consciousness and cognition.

  • Lord Jim

    Calling on the Wonketariat – I’m one of the slow guys here, and I’m wondering if anyone can recommend me a book on Soviet-era Russia. I’ve looked a little on Amazon and my few relevant results seemed either too sketchy or idiosyncratic.

    • Suse

      Try these:
      Stalingrad: The Fateful Siege, 1942-1943 by Antony Beevor
      Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar by Simon Sebag Montefiore
      Moscow, 1937 by Karl Schlögel
      The Sword and the Shield: The Mitrokhin Archive & the Secret History of the KGB by Christopher M. Andrew, Vasili Mitrokhin
      Iron Curtain : The Crushing of Eastern Europe, 1945-1956
      Bloodlands: Europe Between Hitler and Stalin by Timothy Snyder
      The Structure of Soviet History: Essays and Documents by Ronald Grigor Suny
      Soviet Politics 1917-1991 by Mary McAuley
      Red Nations: The Nationalities Experience in and after the USSR by Dr Jeremy Smith

      • Lord Jim

        Spaceeba, tovarisch!

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Would also recommend Solzhenitsyn. Read the Gulag Archepelago” in high school.

        • Lord Jim

          Me too. Great work.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Also great, The Inner Circle, and of course, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.

      • TundraGrifter

        I thought “Enemy at the Gates” was a terrific account of the Battle of Stalingrad.

        The incredible tank battle between the Soviet and Germany armies at Kursk involved something like 1,000,000 soldiers. Accounts are hazy but worth looking into.

        • BeachBum

          Also Operation Barbarossa by David Glantz.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Excellent, hair-raising book! To get inside the Russian psyche, Chekhov’s short stories are brilliant.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Ten Days that Shook the World, John Reed.

      • Lord Jim

        In the course of pursuing all your helpful recommendations, I have also now discovered Michael Kort’s The Soviet Colossus:History and Aftermath and Orlando Figes’ Revolutionary Russia, 1881-1991: A History. Y’alls is the best.

      • mailman27

        “Bloodlands” tells a lot of the bleak and terrible history of those benighted folks.

      • Unhappy Fingers

        The Red Web: The Struggle Between Russia’s Digital Dictators and the New Online Revolutionaries, by Andrei Soldatov and Irina Borogan. An account of the rise of the Internet during the fall of the USSR and during Putin’s time up to about 2012. Written by a couple of reporters that were a part of it.

    • Inconstant Reader

      It depends exactly what you’re looking for. The book I used in college, which was really good, was How the Soviet Union is Governed, by Hough & Fainsod; would give you the contemporary view from the last years of the Cold War.

    • Proud Liberal
      • Lord Jim

        Freebies! I didn’t even know this work existed (I knew marxist.org existed – it’s the source of my copy of Capitol). Interesting to compare it to history written by outsiders.

    • BeachBum

      This will be of no help to you, apologies in advance. I remember meeting a businessman in the 80’s who traveled to Russia from time to time, and he said it was almost impossible to get the truth in writing about the US there, or the Soviet Union here. Everything was part of the Cold War. I wish I could remember more, but he said American Dollars, cigarettes, and Levis were accepted in the Black Market for almost everything.

      • Lord Jim

        It’s a perspective for me to keep in mind as I continue in my search.

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        There was a recentish (last couple years or so) book of the history of the Soviet bloc from their perspective, can’t remember the title. Ring a bell?

      • Persistent Demme

        Back in the day, a teacher of mine went to the USSR with lots of Levis that he traded for nifty Soviet souvenirs.

      • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

        Found it.
        The Left Side of History: World War II and the Unfulfilled Promise of Communism in Eastern Europe
        https://www.dukeupress.edu/the-left-side-of-history

      • mailman27

        This is from the fiction side of things, but Martin Cruz Smith’s Arkady Renko novels (Gorky Park et al); also, too Reggie Nadelson’s detective fiction give an interesting look at the life immediately after the collapse of the Soviet Union. The main characters straddle the Communist regime and the new kleptocracy. Good reading.

    • Inconstant Reader

      Also, Isaac Deutscher wrote good biographies of Stalin and Trotsky.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      A general history, no, but William Taubman’s Khrushchev and Stephen Kotkin’s Stalin (vol. 1) are excellent. Simon Sebag Montefiore’s The Romanovs is pre-Soviet but, shall we say, enlightening (also excellent). He also wrote a well-reviewd two-volume Stalin biography. There is a good book or two by Timothy Naftali. Kotkin’s Uncivil Society (about the Soviet bloc and its collapse) is good.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Svetlana Alexievich, Secondhand Time: The Last of the Soviets, is stunning (late and post Soviet era oral history).

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy
    • Persistent Demme

      Sorta on your topic:
      The movie, “Bridge of Spies” features a lot of the atmosphere of the times, and some great performances.

  • gamera23

    Donutgate!!!!

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I think Putin is just flirting with the Puppet to make the Theocrat, his real man crush, jealous.

  • Choosymom

    Can’t decide if I would puke or die laughing if I walked into a bedroom and saw *that* lying on the bed.

    • Erala Contratista

      Laughing, with possible pee leakage. Also snorting, doubling over AND my trademark asthmatic hacking.

      Still can’t get over how he is so clueless with hair

    • Point, laugh, leave.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Option three: pee on it?

      • Persistent Demme

        He’d like it too much.

        • Darrell Imaginarian

          Well I would too.

  • TundraGrifter

    Does Russian gasoline taste like vodka? Or is it Russian vodka that tastes like gasoline?

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      True story- had a friend travel to Russia to help supervise the destruction of rocket motors. They had a factory that would alternate runs of vodka and rocket fuel.

      • Crank Tango

        What could possibly go wrong?

      • TundraGrifter

        I remember a number of years ago the potato harvest pretty much failed and the USSR (Soviet) government had to purchase a huge quantity of raw alcohol from Seagram’s. They knew if they didn’t, the few potatoes available would be turned into vodka and not eaten.

    • BeachBum

      Ha ha silly American ! Russians strong as bull, taste no matter !

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Much Russian vodka is very good, as a matter of fact – and a far better value than over-priced, pretentious shit like Grey Goose.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    “Mine’s bigger, Donnie!” added Schumer.

  • Tj McGee Wright

    What a dumbass.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    That bedspread and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.

    • Goposaur

      Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
      ;-)

    • Persistent Demme

      I like the klassy light switch cord hanging down the wall.

      • Oh I thought that was a urinary catheter – just in case the Russian hookers couldn’t produce.

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        With Trump’s predilections, it’s probably a flush chain!

  • BMW

    Does Trump really not understand what his campaign has been accused of doing?

    • PerSister Big Puppy

      Yes.

    • Lord Jim

      Is our Presnit learnin?

      • Foocatchoo

        YOU can claim him as yours; the ME part of WE simply WON’T!

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Does the stupid son of a bitch actually understand anything? The available evidence would suggest not.

      • Lord Jim

        Who knew that one day America would fall so far that it would elect a moron who would make George Bush look like Thomas Jefferson?

    • BeachBum

      Well, its been 8 yrs since the ACA was passed, and he just now says healthcare is complicated. So prolly in 4 or 5 years he might understand. But maybe not.

      • Notreelyhelping

        In five years, he’ll be drooling and sucking his toes, either in The Home or in prison.

        • TheFamilyThalamus

          With that gut, he won’t be sucking his toes.

    • AJ Milne

      Yes. He’s just trying to confuse the issue.

      You might have noticed he’s kinda a complete lying sack of shit.

    • mailman27

      He’s hidden behind so many lines of defense that he doesn’t have to understand anything at all. Which suits him just fine, because he doesn’t. Understand anything. At all.

    • Spurning Beer

      He does not. The world to him is filtered through the lens of television entertainment and sports. There’s no right and wrong, or even fair and unfair. It’s all winning and losing. Mind you, you can claim there’s wrongdoing and unfairness going on, but the nib is whether it helps you win.

    • Duke

      “Accused?”

      He knows what they did. Hes got to fight it every moment of his life from now on.

      “Pee Hookers at 11 on Peewitness News!”

  • Lulu Mac
  • BeachBum

    As a kid, I remember from time to time the US sending grain and other food shipments to the Soviets when they had crop failures, drought, and so on. We were in a
    Cold War, but I knew we didn’t send food to Japan or Germany during WW II, so I asked my Dad. He just laughed. I always thought if we didn’t send the food we would “win” the war.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      Well, we actually did help both Germany and Japan rebuild, especially Germany, and the thought was that the problems that led to WW2 were to a great extent caused by the vicious revenge exacted on Germany after WW1, plunging them into impossible poverty. So perhaps the US felt it was useful to not create the same situation with Russia.

  • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

    Remember, on Wednesday there were banner headlines about how “presidential” this piece of shit is.

    • Lord Jim

      The bar has gone so low that it is glowing due to proximity to the earth’s mantle.

  • Foocatchoo

    That robe photo ALWAYS secretly stirs Pence’s loins. Whenever he see it, he is helplessly drawn into a closeted sex dream about he and The Donald spooning each other, NAKED in a hammock, poolside at the Rainbow’s End B&B/Nude Resort. Just as his Lil’ General is about to salute, there’s a knock on the bathroom door. Karen (Mike’s beard/wife) has come home early from the grocery store…damn it, Karen, DAMN IT!

    • stubbornirishlass

      Ewww…

      • Duke

        Ewww. Eww. Ew, ew, ew.

        Eeeewww.

    • Weevie

      That’s such a gross pic. Joe Namath did OK, he was smirking. Trump’s beckoning finger…maybe he just pulled it out of his butt.
      Pence will fall like a televangelist at some point.

  • Raan
    • mailman27

      I, for one, hope that Angie finds love again AND GRINDS BRAD’S FAITHLESS FACE IN IT AND… sorry, what was that again? Marriage? In the fullness of time
      perhaps Jen will come to terms with her role in destroying the GREATEST LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME!!!1!1!!!!!! So what’s Trump got to do with all this?

      • Weevie

        His shocking IQ and something about dead? Oprah exploded. That’s good stuff!

    • Begin Anew Day

      I have always thought that The National Inquirer ought to go with their retro roots.

      Those roots include homicidal little folks, UFO crime sprees, demonic landlords etc. etc. etc.

      It looks like they are finally getting around to doing just that.

  • Chick_Tract_Fil_A

    sooo…not prezadential?

    • Ωbjectifier

      Unpresidented.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Disregard the banner headlines from, what, day before yesterday, literally.

    • diogenez

      From the mouths of infants….

  • Donnie’s last message got a bit muddled using the PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System).
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0a40e952cd06fa183c422a3f9b242b99dbcfb7b9c2633662581092cc293c6aac.jpg

    • Duke

      Donnie, just get the right size.

  • BrendaKay

    Yes, how sad you have to write 400 words explaining why these 2 things are different… yuuuuge sigh… But do not apologize! Keep up the good fight!

    And, how many now have the “one of these things is not like the other” tune in their head? Sorry!

  • It’sWhitneyBitch

    Well, according to my now-ex boyfriend Van Jones, Trump is very presidential now after he read a TelePrompTer without setting himself on fire. So, this is a very presidential tweet.

    • Begin Anew Day

      Yeah, Van screwed the pooch with that one.

      I hold the racists, xenophobes and THE MEDIA responsible for donnie getting into the white house. And I will remember those who HELPED HIM normalize his bullshit after he got there. That now includes damn near all of the TeeVee talking heads who let donnie slide on this recent go-around. That also includes Van Jones. Too bad too, I do like him in his previous incarnations.

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        Late night talk show hosts, too. All of them, except Trevor and especially Seth Meyers, who called him out openly starting months and months ago.

        • Begin Anew Day

          The Washington Post had some choice words for the shameless cynicism this whole sorry episode revealed. Doktor Zoom linked to the opinion piece in his article about it yesterday.

    • Foocatchoo

      Van Jones breathlessly touted how well DJT read and thus, how PRESIDENTIAL Donald Trump is NOW! I found it akin and as equally offensive as a racist pointing out how “well spoken” Mr. Jones is… both pathetic compliments!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Pretty sure Chuck Schumer got elected without the help of Putin or Comey, Donald. But thanks for playing!

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      And also, essentially, this is Schumer BRINGING JOBS TO AMERICA.

  • Weevie

    Are there no limits to Trump’s dumbness? He’s training everyone how to slam him back with his moronic tweets. Thanks, Coach Trump!

    • Foocatchoo

      NO. YES. and THANKS!

  • Mavenmaven

    I’m sure soon Trump will mention Hillary again and then think he won this twitter war.

    • Duke

      “making excuses for their loss.”

      It was tiresome November 9th. I hope he’s in jail this time next year.

  • No comforter for old men. This made me guffaw louder than I thought it would.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/044fdbb191aaf0259f4686762c43633fef00e1816bf5532a0932086dc669e5dc.jpg
    Incidentally, what’s in the fists? Rufees and Viagra?

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