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Plagiarism is Magic!

Melania Trump, we don’t have that much of a hate-on for her. We don’t like her very much, and we find her Resting Scowling Robot Face frankly sort of terrifying instead of attractive, but we at least respect how she doesn’t want to be in the zip code as her husband, who is creepy and a pig.

But Donald Trump’s White House — and before that, his campaign — can’t stop telling weird lies about her! First his campaign website claimed she had a college degree (why? she was a model! it’s fine!) when she didn’t (okay, and she also lied under oath about it), then there was that tiny plagiarism flap when Sean Spicer explained she was really plagiarizing “My Little Pony,” and there have been some … questions … about when she arrived in the US and whether she immigrated legally, and the promised press conference with her lawyer just sort of disappeared, and whatever. At least the thing about her immigration had a point, which was, “hey, our guy says he is against illegal immigration, except when it is his wife or his Polish construction workers, we should probably tell some lies.”

But today it’s just … what the fuck, Trump White House?

Alert Twitter person (and BloombergTV guy) David Gura noticed something hinky when Melania Trump read to the children at New York Presbyterian hospital, and that was “the White House just made up a whole bunch of fake dialogue to put in Melania Trump’s mouth for no reason at all except they can’t stop lying.” Witness!

Here are all the quotes from the pool report:

  • We will read some books today. Do you know what is today? It’s a reading day! So I came to encourage you to read — and to think about what you want to achieve in life.
  • This is one of my favorite books! This one is from my library.
  • Coming to a passage about a “slump”: So sometimes you don’t feel good, right? But then what do you do?
  • Reading: You’ll go places where you feel better. You’ll be as famous as famous can be. With the whole wide world watching you win on TV!
  • Do you like the book? I will leave it here. I encourage you all to read a lot, to get educated!

And here is what the White House says she said:

  • Loving to read early in life has the power to make each one of you a lifelong learner.
  • Dr. Seuss has brought so much joy, laughter and enchantment into children’s lives all around the globe for generations. Through his captivating rhymes, Dr. Seuss has delighted and inspired children while teaching them to read, to dream, and to care.
  • Education is a great equalizer and nothing can be more critical to achieving empowerment than reading and literacy.

To clarify, the pool report isn’t a total transcript, just a few representative quotes. But does anybody think the woman who said the things in the pool report said the things in the White House readout?

Just … why do that? Why not let her say things with an Eastern European cadence? NOBODY THINKS SHE IS A PROFESSOR OF COMPARATIVE BOOK JACKET BLURBS AND INSPIRATIONAL KITTEN POSTER COPY AT HARVARD.

This has been your With All The Other Lies You Are Telling Lately What Even The Fuck Is This About Trump White House for Friday, March 3, 2017. Check back in a couple of hours, probs, for more.

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  • Snopes Shop
    • janecita

      Dear Lord, these assholes really are pathetic!!!

      • ltmcdies

        yes they are…..and I’m sure also Moldavian

    • Ricky Gay

      oh FFS!

  • tihond

    “Her vagina definitely doesn’t have teeth.”

  • vivian

    The Trump WH couldn’t recite a recipe for scrambled eggs without somehow fucking it up and lying about it.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Shorter White House: STFU meanies, Melania ARE TOO smrt!

  • Lizzietish81

    Probably because when compared to the last bunch of first ladies, EVEN LAURA WHO WAS A LIBRARIAN, Melania doesn’t look very smart or First Ladylike so they’re trying to make her look more educated and posh than she really is.

    • Claire

      They’d do better with their base if they played up her inability to construct a grammatical sentence in standard English.

      “One of us! One of us!”

  • Zonath

    Pointless lies are just there to keep the lying muscles in shape. It’s like leg day, just with more bullshit.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Couldn’t she at least get an honorary degree from Trump University? Or Sizzler?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Doesn’t the Russian Secret Service at least give a certificate?

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Medal of Friendship. Tillerson has one.

  • calliecallie

    In the Trump administration, logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in the meadow.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlMegqgGORY

    • Stulexington

      My favourite part of that episode: it takes Kirk and two others 5 minutes to logically break one of the robots. Spock takes out 2 in less than a minute.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        That’s cuz Spock’s the man ;)

  • Hey now, I could use a real time editor to clean up my own “talk first, think later” habit.

  • janecita

    Melania, my sister teaches ESL, she is looking for a summer job, call me!

  • memzilla Ω
  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Which of course, logically begs the question: If they lie about the crap that doesn’t matter, just how big is the lying when it’s something that does matter?

    I know. I said “logically.” I forgot which timeline I’m in. I’ll show myself out.

    • Sardonicuss

      They actually seem to lie more when it does matter – like when they are constantly perjuring themselves!
      We insist upon rejecting your reality and substituting our own even at risk of prosecution….because: what are you going to do? You haven’t done anything yet!

    • PubOption

      Yooouuge, you won’t believe how yooouuge.

    • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

      If your’e gonna make the Big Lie work, ya gotta go with the little lies too.

  • msanthropesmr

    What really is interesting, is that nothing she said, unlike the loggorhea that streams from her husband, was bad, lies, or terrible. Why did they need to fix it?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Habit? Staying in practice?

      • Historicat

        Sheer incompetence?

    • cmd resistor

      Really, what she actually said made her seem more human than she normally does.

  • Ricky Gay

    Idiots. They rewrote her lines at a level above the average Trump supporter.

    • gene108

      Sad thing is part of Trump’s appeal, and Bush, Jr.’s, is they didn’t talk “smart”.

      Big words and complete sentences seem to off-put a certain group of voters.

      • Claire

        One of the innumerable poverty-porn articles around the election had a quote from some guy at a Trump rally who said that he liked Trump because of the way he talks. He said when Hillary spoke, “it just sounds like bullshit to me.”

        Dude voted for Trump because he literally could not understand Hillary when she spoke the English language. And, undoubtedly, because of his rage over liberals thinking he’s dumb as a post.

      • DahBoner

        It’s called “jealousy”

  • OTB

    Actually she said that a full metacritical analysis of the phenomenological semiotics of post-linguistic theory qua theory is meaningless without the larger sociological context of neo-kantian kerfuffle.

  • Leave her alone guys. She’s doing the job no American wants to do, she’s the quintessential immigrant.

  • Nounverb911

    Was this the same event where Melania proposed replacing Obamacare with Jeebuscare?

    https://twitter.com/JuddLegum/status/837425670334660608

    • janecita

      That’s one “Help, I’m dead inside,” kind of smile!

    • SadDemInTex

      “Gift of Nature” ? I assume that is before the EPA is destroyed and all water and air is polluted and all animals are killed.

  • snigsy

    Hey Trump lady, leave my beloved Theodor Geisel alone!

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      This! “Oh the Places You’ll Go” is one of my personal faves. I’m supposed to be “mystery reader” at my son’s class next month. Was going to read this…not now…you bitch..

      • snigsy

        I suspect the only reason Dr Seuss was chosen is that his words are mostly monosyllables. As for the meaning of his simple words, most children get the subversive message, but not certain grown-ups (who don’t read) and their followers.

        • Antonin Dvorak

          I think it is also Seuss’ birthday this week; because Neil Gaiman read Seuss on his vlog thing.

          • cmd resistor

            I think it was yesterday.

      • gene108

        Don’t let Melania ruin a good book for you and the kids.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Gah… way to ruin things, Melon!

        Go with Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          We don’t have that one anymore. Thanks for the reminder, I’ll re-buy it. I was thinking Pete the Cat or one of the “Don’t let the Pigeon” books. Kids love that dang pigeon ;)

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    See, when the Russian Puppet says “Vladamir Putin talks nice about me.”, in his brain he’s saying “I did not have a relationship with that dictator.” We can’t really say it’s lying when, really, it’s merely a communication error that Spicer can take care of the next day. So let’s give the Russian Puppet’s puppet wife a break.

  • Chadwells

    HAH! This shit cracked me up!!! Seeing the absurdity of it all!!!

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    The WH is desperate to make her more educated/American/can speak good? This is only reason I can think of. They’re desperately trying to cover up why she doesn’t wanna be FLOTUS.

    • gene108

      They need want her to outshine Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton. Ain’t gonna happen.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Oh hell no!!! She looked pretty at the Inauguration…that’s about all she’s got going right now.

        • Ducksworthy

          She should stick with the gun on the airplane wing look.

      • “Good luck with that.”–Laura Bush

      • cmd resistor

        The article I read about her appearance at the hospital also mentioned that Michelle was doing a talk at one of the DC public schools where she has been a million times, on the same day as Melania’s thing. It also said she had a habit of making surprise visits at schools. Anytime I ever saw her with kids they were just thrilled.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    My theory is that there must be a director of lies at the Trump White House. This person has to do SOMETHING every day.

  • Zonath

    “Education is a great equalizer and nothing can be more critical to achieving empowerment than reading and literacy, other than a $14 million loan from your daddy.”

    FTFY, Melania.

  • Sardonicuss

    At this point, it seems as if maybe they are just creating today’s scandal to overshadow yesterday’s scandal..and they do it every day.

  • Toledo Window Box

    This White House is incapable of speaking on ANY SUBJECT without lying.

    • Count Awesome

      We have a new definition for “white lies”.

      • Toledo Window Box

        All Lies Matter.

  • thewalkindude

    “You’ll go places where you feel better. You’ll be as famous as famous can be. With the whole wide world watching you win on TV!”

    This was not from the meeting with the children-it was her pep talk to Donny yesterday… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/73f3ab02a9e8d027760519798acf9c1c981b85fadf698a259f7a3b180c18043e.jpg

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh dear lord, MY EYES.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Needs moar codpiece.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Vets are SCREAMING about Mr. “I avoided the draft FIVE TIMES” wearing that jacket and hat. Apparently it was a gift at the event, meant for him to take home. So of course he put it on. And despite the outcry, posted this under 10 minutes ago. No respect. None. And don’t get me started on the fist…
      https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/837704599704375296

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The man walks onto a stage, and without even opening his piehole, he manages to piss off millions of Navy veterans.

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          And doubles down on it within 24 hours, despite being told to cut that shit out.

          • Nounverb911

            The…Navy….is….Great! Great!…………………….Really great!…….Great!

      • Zonath

        Can someone tell Donnie that he’s doing the Black Power fist all wrong?

      • PubOption

        Weekly address, where I will address something weakly.

    • orygoon

      The Spare is recently off of a three-year hitch on the carrier Ike, most of which was spent in drydock in Newport News. I’m grateful he didn’t have to participate in that photo op; he’s a loudmouthed hothead.

  • Ducksworthy

    Haff dju seen moos ant skvirrel?

    • Lord Jim

      Nyet!

  • orygoon

    She seems to have zero point nada interest in being a First Lady. Fair enough. She doesn’t want to do it and I don’t want to hear about her or see pictures of her.

  • BadKitty904
    • Latverian Diplomat

      “That’s no first lady, that’s my third wife!”
      — Donald Trump, family man

    • Chyron HR

      The one good thing I”ll say for Donald, he gives me an excuse to look at Russian models on my computer at work.

    • exinkwretch

      If comments were allowed, would we see side-boob more often?

    • MynameisBlarney

      I guess I’m abnormal because I do not find her to be very sexy ’cause she ain’t got no booty.

      • janecita

        Flat ass, fake boobs.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Ass and bewbs usually are in balance, if you know what I mean.

      • therblig

        i just find her face too hard.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Her face is not unattractive, but she’s got too damn skinny IMHO.

          Fake boobs, no ass, toothpick arms and legs.

          She needs to gain 50lbs, most of it for that flat ass.

    • LucindathePook

      Well, the room is kinda off-putting, too. Unless they are going for some weird, retro, time-travel look.

      • BadKitty904

        The entire photo screams “Hustler centerfold, 1975″.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Oh please. Even Hustler is too classy for this skank.

          • janecita

            Psst, people got mad at me because I call her The First Skank!

          • elviouslyqueer

            Pictures don’t lie. Unlike everything else associated with this administration.

      • janecita

        Lithuanian hostel vibe.

  • Vincent Ricola

    “If everything is a lie, the people will never believe the truth” – Steve Bannon probably

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Didn’t they used to do grammar and pronunciation fix-ups for W all the time?

    • “We gots to ablilfy our childrens for learnin'” (I don’t think he actually used the word ‘ablilfy’; I just borrowed it from a drug commercial; it sounds like a word he’d use.)

  • Villago Delenda Est

    They can’t help it. It’s their nature.

  • Kiri the Paid Protestor

    “Just … why do that?”

    Because this (mis)administration features more than a few paranoid control freaks?

    • Rick Hill

      “paranoid control freaks”

      Who are trying to act like what they think actual leaders act like.

      Or something, I think these people, being in power, have literally destroyed the reality continuum so badly that mythical creatures are going to come to life.

      • Kiri the Paid Protestor

        Some people are of the opinion that this has in fact already happened.

  • dslindc

    Melon sounds smarter than a common drunk Sarah Palin most of the time, I suppose.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    OT, but speaking of lies.

    Alberto Gonzales–who was forced to resign after perjuring himself in Congressional testimony on the firings of US Attorneys–is telling the press that forcing Sessions to resign is unfair.

    • cmd resistor

      They keep bringing him in to talk about ethics…..

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Melania pics need more Rarity shade.

  • Nounverb911

    OT
    And speaking of Russian imports:

    First shipment of Russian steel for the new pipeline has arrived.
    https://twitter.com/JuliaDavisNews/status/837671533573259265

    • MAKE RUSSIA GREAT AGAIN!

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Do you think they could have gone with a bigger font for NO SMOKING?

    • Jeff Ackerman

      I worked in McMurdo Station in Antarctica last fall, the steel in a storage yard was from Russia. McMurdo is a US Station, couldn’t we at least have bought steel from the US?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    I’ve seen her tatas but I haven’t seen HIS tax returns. Go figure.

    • DesertedPictures

      Somehow I suspect looking at those is more enjoyable then looking at his tax returns. (Spoiler: his are fake!)

    • therblig

      both worked on by experts

    • BrianW

      Yes, and I have to disagree with therblig: They are not double Ds.

  • Longstreet63

    I heard she had a double doctorate in Reading and Civics.

    • therblig

      or, she and her double D’s drove a Civic through Reading.

  • DesertedPictures
  • Chadwells

  • “PROFESSOR OF COMPARATIVE BOOK JACKET BLURBS AND INSPIRATIONAL KITTEN POSTER COPY AT HARVARD” libelz!!!

  • DahBoner

    “Do you like the book? I will leave it here. I encourage you all to read a lot, to get educated!”
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e4b69e3b94962bce5efd6ea8a3fdda53b3c53a655a4f2bce5c947a4a17528ba.png

    • Lord Jim

      That is awesome.

  • Perkniticky

    She’s supposed to be speaking to children, right? The pool report sounds like a person speaking to children. The Trump report sounds communist – like what Mao would say in the little red book.

  • diogenez

    Did she teach at Sizzler U?

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      She’s not that hot.

      • arglebargle

        Burn!

        • Lord Jim

          Sure smoked her.

  • Anna Rompage

    I really wish tRUmp and Co would give up lying during Lent…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Breathing. They should give up breathing.

  • ViveLaPersistence

    The derp just never stops with these people.

  • BadKitty904

    Apparently her Dad was a Communist organizer?

    Donald Trump’s Father-in-law Is a Communist Who Looks Exactly Like Him
    http://metro.co.uk/2015/10/30/donald-trumps-father-in-law-is-a-communist-who-looks-exactly-like-him-5470817/

    I’ve also heard Dad-in-Law has links to Putin, though I’ve not been able to verify that.

  • therblig

    next they’ll try to convince us that she’s a star-bellied sneetch instead of plain.

    • Historicat

      In honor of Dr. Seuss’s birthday, I read that book to my 4yo last night. Very subversive.

      • therblig

        ms. blig and i love dr. seuss so much that we gave blig jr the middle name “Geisel”. It was going to be his first name, but ms. blig decided she wanted to name him after her step-father, a good man (unlike her alcoholic abusive father) who raised her and her brother as if they were his own.

        had blig jr been a girl, it would have been “Temperance Platypus”, after Tempe Wick, NJ heroine of the Revolutionary War. And Platypus, just because.

    • BrianW

      Her nude photos would argue against that, I think.

  • goonemeritus

    I would be much happier with Mrs. Trump leading the country than either her husband or Mike Pence.

    • Nounverb911

      And afterall, she’s just as American as Obama in trump’s view of things….

  • Anna Rompage

    So that’s what happened to Donnie, instead of being read Dr Seuss as a child, his day read the weekly newsletter from the White Citizens Council, and pamphlets from the John Birch Society..

  • TJ Barke

    Always Be Lying.

  • guppy06

    At least Zecora has a rhyming scheme.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    There is no coherent definition of truth and falsehood in Trumpland. It’s not calculated, not for any purpose, I don’t think they even go through as much of a process as “why not?”. They don’t give it any thought at all – they need some quotes so they make some.

    Either that, or the only consistent theme is that EVERYTHING must be a lie, as part of one big giant coordinated gaslighting effort.

    • Biff52

      I actually think it’s all a part of their chaos campaign…

  • She is also the only first lady I know of whose naked pictures are all over the internet.

    • Anna Rompage

      Carla Bruni has a few naked photos out there, but then again, that’s France…

      • Where? WHERE?!!!

        • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

          Google is your friend…

      • Red Bird Ω

        The difference being that Carla didn’t lie about them since was an actual paid model, not a “paid model”.

    • DesertedPictures

      I kinda like that about her.

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    They lie automatically, reflexively. It’s their default position. The sad thing is how many of Donnie’s supporters lap it up and take the most bizarre, logically contorted positions to justify and explain all the lies. Trying to get them to admit that Donnie and his administration are simply lying constantly, about virtually everything, is all but impossible. It’s like trying to catch eels with your hands while wearing boxing gloves, except much more frustrating.

    • tomamitai

      In Trump White House, lies tell you!

    • Lord Jim

      Spot on about Trump camp’s pathological lying problem. Setting the Russia connection aside, most of these lies are of a braggadocious nature. Because Drumpf is a narcissist and is desperately struggling against the fact that he’s obviously in over his head and his administration is such a fucking trash fire, particularly in comparison to his predecessor. I am not at all surprised that the propaganda machine is taking this opportunity to try to make Melanoma compare well to Michelle Obama.

      One of our number (I don’t recall who right now) reported having a Faceplant exchange with some wingut, to whom they presented documented evidence in contradiction to said wingnut’s claims. Response? “Don’t care” There you have it. But they can’t imagine why we’re screaming at them. Dunning-Kruger is the epidemic of our time.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The White House isn’t lying for no reason. East Side Evita wasn’t working out, so they’re going to turn her into an academic, Elena Ceaușescu-style.

    • Historicat

      Taking the Causescus as your inspiration isn’t really a great idea.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Neither is mimicking Mussolini, but here we are.

    • cmd resistor

      But I thought academic intellectuals were bad. Especially if women.

  • Red Bird Ω

    Wow. I’m so inspired by the First Lady! She is an example of femininity to all women. I just love the way she is both a mother and career women in her own right but still manages to focus on her family which is the most important thing to her. All hail Melon!

    • Biff52

      She has the best, most luxurious bootstraps!

      • Red Bird Ω

        Hey Biff. Long time no comment.

        • Biff52

          I can’t keep up lately! Thanks for noticing…

  • azeyote

    of course winning on t.v. is the greatest thing ever – when you’ve lost touch with reality like she has it’s that, a wardrobe closet, Thorazine or all the above –

  • Proud Liberal

    OT, but awww…

    “Pit bull rescues boy after mother tries to drown him in river while allegedly high on crystal meth”

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/pitbull-rescues-boy-drug-addict-mother-drown-article-1.2987858

    • Duke

      I see another presidential tweet coming.

  • Relativicus

    Well, let’s spin it around. With all the other lies they tell, what’s one more?

  • Proud Liberal

    “SEE IT: Mexican congressman scales border fence near Tijuana to ridicule President Trump’s ‘absurd’ wall”

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/mexican-congressman-scales-border-fence-ridicule-trump-wall-article-1.2987705

    LMAO!

    • Biff52

      Wait til James O’Queef does a scathing exposé!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I haven’t read the non-comments yet, but is anyone else a little bit disturbed that the aspirational goals she’s imbuing on children is, “You can win on TV?” Or is this some obscure Dr Seuss rhyme I never heard before?

    • Duke

      Maybe she’s more like Donald than we realize.

      • Biff52

        At least her hands seem proportional…

    • SnarkON

      “Oh, the Places You’ll Go if You Are a Slovenian Ho.”

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I read it years ago- I must have been way off, but I thought it was a little dark, myself. I thought it was about getting to old age. Must’ve gotten the wrong message.

  • YellowDog

    I guess that they are so used to polishing turds that they cannot help themselves in non-turd situations. Melania did not embarrass herself and she seemed more genuine in this setting than in any others I’ve seen. After all, a big part of her life is managing two children.

  • Jacob Prescott

    That’s my secret cap, I’m always lying.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Melania Trump Quotes through the White House Translator:

    “I’m very political. I’m not political in public, I’m political at home.”
    Whilst I fell strongly about politics, I do believe that one should hold their political feelings private, as to not seem gauche.

    “No, he would not change diapers and I was completely fine with that. That was very enjoyable to do for me.”
    Donald is a doting father, but I swear, he’s all thumbs when it comes to diapers. No matter though. I simply love changing our child and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    “I give him my opinions, and sometimes he takes them in, and sometimes he does not. Do I agree with him all the time? No. I think it is good for a healthy relationship. I am not a ‘yes’ person. No matter who you are married to, you still need to lead your life. I don’t want to change him. And he doesn’t want to change me.”
    I agree with Donald 100%.

    “Isn’t he the best? He will be the best president ever. We love you.”
    Isn’t he the best? He will be the best president ever. We Love you.

    • Biff52

      Since she loves to change diapers, I think we know who changes the royal Depends…

      • magyar of infinite power

        Since that photo of him getting on Marine 1 was circulated, I can’t stop looking at his Depends lines every time they show him from behind.

    • major_asshole

      Oh please. As if either Donald or Melania has ever changed a single diaper in their miserable lives.

  • Crystalclear12

    This administration is exhausting. Can we have an intermission?

    • Aunt PithyPat

      And can it be, oh, say…. 3 1/2 years long?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      This right here is the best idea ever. Period.

  • I was indifferent to her (paid a very high price for wealth and power) until I saw that clip of her beaming just after 45’s oath of office. Then whatever 45 said to her must have been devastating – her face went cold.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      “We’re still married.”

    • ButtercuptheHarelessRabbit

      I found a longer clip of that and she had that cold look on her face until Trump turned around and then she got all smiley, and when he turned around again, her face did that freeze up. Puts a whole different spin on it. Looked more like she was giving him a fake, “Yes! I am really enjoying all this bullshit out here in the cold!” smile.

  • Bemused

    They feel like she’s inadequate in comparison with the modern 1st ladies with Michelle and Hillary both having been lawyers and Laura having been a teacher so they are trying to make her look more educated.

    • jesuswasablack
      • SnarkON

        Oh, dear god, EUUUUW.

      • boredcatlady

        All I can see are these hideous boots. WHY???????!

        • SnarkON

          “…hideous boobs.” FIFY

        • Doug Langley

          Because you have taste?

        • magyar of infinite power

          All I could think of was razor burn

      • therblig

        kind of looks like a young putin in drag there

      • Painter of Swedish Tragedies

        Yikes. Who should I think less of, the poser or the posee?

      • The Other Tim

        Agent Botox.

  • jesuswasablack

    “Dr. Seuss has delighted and inspired children”
    Hey they better be careful pushing that libtard Dr. Seuss crap!
    http://cloudfront.mediamatters.org/static/images/item/20120221-lorax1.jpg

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Someone at the WH has been put on “Melania Censor” PR duty, probably because there is a chance she could say something damaging about Donald at any minute. But they are bored, and this is the result.

  • SnarkON

    “…but we at least respect how she doesn’t want to be in the zip code as her husband, who is creepy and a pig.”

    That makes her even less worthy of respect. She stays married to this creepy pig so she can continue to afford her gilded existence and fund her plastic surgery habit. Which makes her a prostitute, full stop.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Hey, most of us are prostitutes in one way or another. Her Donald-enabling makes her a bad prostitute. Let’s be precise here.

    • LesBontemps

      Not prostitute, sex worker, please! And she is clearly earning everything she’s gotten.

    • Kooolest G

      can’t remember who said it but “she who marries for money ends up earning every penny”

  • Martini Ambassador

    The following words have actually never been used by any member of the tRump family:

    enchantment
    captivating
    inspired
    equalizer
    empowerment

    So yeah, that transcript is as fake is Twitler’s tan or Mellon’s boobs.

  • mancityRed6

    “You’ll be as famous as famous can be. With the whole wide world watching you win on TV!”
    At least it rhymes.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      If she works on her diction, she could be the first female host of The Running Man.

    • The Other Tim

      Because it’s Dr. Seusss from Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

      • mancityRed6

        Yeah, I think I watched more Dr. Seuss than read him.
        I grew up with national geographic books.

  • Pookabun

    ” I encourage you all to read a lot, to get educated!”

    She can say that with zero shame or irony, even though her husband and his administration is all about killing public education.

    • cmd resistor

      Stopping at a private school in Orlando today on the way to the Winter White House.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I will never stop reading her quotes in the voice of Natasha Fatale…

    • ImGoingBacon

      Molotov Cocktease libels!

    • LucindathePook

      June Foray libelz!

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Melania Fatale: Donald, you are so evil and nasty.
      Donald Badinoff: Stop. Stop. You make me blush.

  • fawkedifiknow

    “The nudies of The Greatest First Lady Evarrr were her baby pictures – not soft porn, you Hilary Clinton loving jerks!!”
    Sean Spicer, WH flack hack in chief.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      PERIOD.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Also, we won by the biggest landslide in the history of the entire universe plus five other universes.

  • Marceline

    To hell with the Third Lady. Let’s dance it out.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkHNK406BrM

    • Persistent Demme

      What did we ever do to deserve her!?
      Compare and contrast, Trumpanzees!

      • ImGoingBacon

        because we voted her husband into office….twice. It’s like buying a McLaren, and the dealer saying you get a second one for free. Not sure if we’ll ever get another First Lady like her again in our lifetime.

    • The Other Tim

      Sigh. I’ve never seen this and now I’m sad.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Best. First Lady. EVER!

  • Flashman

    A search will probably turn up that Michelle Obama said the “augmented” version once, somewhere.

  • notanncoulter

    she knows words, she has the best words.
    [her noez wurdz. her haz besterest wurdz]

  • The Wanderer

    They’re trying desperately to make her the appealing member of the couple, and it’s just not happening.

  • MamaBrown

    She speaks like someone who does not have, or possibly has never seen or spoken to, children.

    Donald’s been down this path before. He told the world that Ivana (remember her? first wife? mother of Uday, Qusay and Princess Ivanka the Stainless?) was on the Czech Olympic ski team (she wasn’t) and that she was a certified interior designer (she’s not). I learned this from Spy magazine of course. We have so much to be grateful to Graydon Carter for. Makes me want to send him a nice card, or one of those bouquets made out of fruit.

  • Arse Grammatica

    When in doubt: lie. When you know otherwise: lie. When you breathe in: think of a lie. When you breathe out: lie.

    • GoutMachine

      Kind of the opposite of the old saw “Tell the truth, if only because it’s the easiest thing to remember.”

      • Boscoe

        EXACTLY. Seriously, it must be EXHAUSTING to try to keep up on such an enormous volume of lies.

        • NellCote71

          They are not even trying to keep. They just double down.

        • Bebecca

          He doesn’t keep up on them.

    • Bebecca

      but how does he find all those people that will lie for him? That’s a serious question. They must be paid really well (if he pays them) but probably, their careers are ruined.

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        The only people who will consort with him are wretched liars and human garbage. Bannon. Pence. Scott Baio. Their careers would have to be in the toilet to begin with to even consider working for him to begin with.

  • netanil

    Why not lie when telling the truth is so much harder on me.
    — Donald J. Trump

    To paraphrase.

    • Tony Emond

      It’s more than an inclination to lie. This President is allergic to the truth and keeps up the lying even for stuff that doesn’t matter.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    I don’t see how anyone in this day and age would think ANYTHING officially reported by the White House is anything but an unmitigated fabrication. They lie reflexively even when the lie is unnecessary or hurts their own cause. We have to assume that when someone from the Head Pirate down to Lyin’ Spice say anything, it’s false, misleading, fake, phoney, fattening…etc etc etc.

  • The Librarian

    Is the WH trying to get everyone to believe she doesn’t sound like Boris and Natasha Badenov? You know, to get our minds off the Russian connection.

    • Richard Speziale

      Natasha Fatale. (Like the VU song.)
      Boris and Natasha were not married, (only maybe they were in the live action movie, if you like that sort of thing).
      And: its “Moos” and “Skvirrel”.
      (Yes, I’m the cartoon police.)

      • The Librarian

        I stand corrected. Always assumed they were husband and wife.

  • Logic of Color

    Besides being a pointless lie, it’s a pretty shitty way of letting your wife know she’s not good enough.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    I’m suspicious of the pool transcript. I think they were being generous and it went more like this:

    Do you like book? I leave it here. you get educated! Kill moose and squirrel for Vlad.

    • Meccalopolis

      Dah good surface for well you know

  • leota2

    I swear its almost like the WH wants to humiliate the woman. Ok, they do.

  • madmonq

    That’s some Kelly Ann shit right there

  • chascates

    Sadly, those little children read more than the President of the United States.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Especially the ones that can read.

  • cheetojeebus

    Sitting joyfully erect upon my ergonomic sitting machine and enjoying with much enchantment the wonderful crispness and tang of this delicious salad I’ve curated from the crisper drawer of our so cold and freshening refrigerator I ponder the full throated lies of our current completely fucked up shitstorm of a presidency.

    • Meccalopolis

      Here I sit brokenhearted…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    How about this: if they make it so that 90% (at least) of everything they say is a lie, the press won’t be able to fact check all of it, and they can slip through some good ones.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      I literally think this is what they are doing.

  • Boscoe

    Not really surprising, EVERYTHING about the Trumps is image marketing. Which is what you have to do when you aren’t naturally awesome.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      That explains my lack of image marketing.

  • LesBontemps

    I encourage you all to read a lot, to get educated!

    And you better do it fast, now that Betsy DeVos is Secretary of Education!

  • canes_pugnaces

    They lie because that’s all they know. Melon has — just as a matter of clarification — been a career liar, too. (remember she wrote her convention speech all bigly by herself in her Gucci Gucci Goo bathrobe in the golden crypt)

  • Tony Emond

    It has to remind you of that scene in the second part of Citizen Kane where his wife butchers a song, but he angrily applauds her…

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Has anyone done a comparative study of Melon’s “corrected” commentary and past utterances of a certain other First Lady?

  • Kooolest G

    the weird thing is, even with that accent, melon is the only person in trump’s inner circle that’s not on putin’s payroll.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      OR IS SHE???

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      Weeeeelllll not so sure about that. Daddy was a card-carrying Communist party member at a time when the Slovenians weren’t so happy about Russia or Communists.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    I miss Michelle.

    • Roadstergal

      She just talked really gud in the moment, because she’s smart ‘n shit. No post-processing needed.

  • Beaufighter

    They lie about things that no one would expect or need them to lie about. It’s like Sessions. But they literally cannot help themselves; they’re all pathological. It’s so surreal.

  • CeeQ

    I miss Michelle, number 1.
    Number 2 – Trump people just seem to be compulsive liars. This is the new normal now.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “I encourage you all to read a lot, to get educated!”

    Why does she bother? She’s said that to her husband for ten years without success.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Resting Scowling Robot Face” proves that Becca is, at heart, a poet.

  • zerosumgame0005

    not to even mention how Dr. Suess was a big old anti-authoritarian and trouble-maker!

    • Meccalopolis

      Wasn’t he on the blacklists?

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    “Resting Scowling Robot Face” almost made me choke to death on my iced tea. Good gawd, you people are funny!

  • They remind me of my son. Even when I look straight at him and catch him doing something it is always “I didn’t do it”
    And I am all dude, I just saw you do that very thing!
    And then he doubles down.
    So basically Team Trump is like 11

  • Donna Schoenkopf

    What a great article. Seriously.

  • kittygrrl

    And the WH also released a script that said My husband is a wonderful father, has lovely big hands, loves immigrants, especially me, and knows no one in Russia.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Apparently the Dolt 45 administration is made up entirely of people who have never heard of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
  • Roadstergal

    WTF? Like anyone would give two shits if it was reported that she speaks like, well, she speaks? It’s really pathological – but who’s doing it? Who is the poor bastard tasked with “Make all of Melania’s quotes sound good” – or who is the creepy bastard who took it upon himself (yes) unasked to do so?

  • Sister the Resister

    Why the DT Cadre makes unforced error after unforced error is one of the great questions of the season. They do enough fucked up stuff on purpose, but this crap with Melania feeds the impression that the administration is a clusterfuck, which seems to piss The Chief Twitterer off, which produces more unforced errors. Weirdest combo of Manchurian Candidate and Keystone Cops ever.

  • whitroth

    Here’s an interesting thought I just thunk of: I wonder if she’s getting ready, now that he’s in office, and presumably all his bank accounts are no longer under water due to all the emoluments, and before the papers point to the emoluments so loudly that they investigate, to divorce him.

    That would be her best bet, at this point, and I suspect it’s absolutely in her mind….

  • Johnnymoreno

    Looks like Kellyanne, at loose ends, looking to pitch in.
    Well, “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop…” or something…

  • 3FingerPete

    I can’t comprehend how anyone could claim Melania speaks fluent English. Audrey Hepburn spoke fluent English. Melania’s English is only slightly above pidgin.

  • Axomamma

    Melania’s White House bio still includes a lie about her educational background. It falsely asserts that “she would pursue a degree at the University of Ljubljana in Slovenia, but pause her studies to advance her modeling career.”

    https://www.whitehouse.gov/administration/first-lady-melania-trump

    • Axomamma

      “We also checked the Ljubljana University archives for any records of Melania Knauss, Melanija Knavs, and every other combination and alternate spellings of those names that we could find, and were unable to locate a record of her at that university, nor at any other university in the country.”

      http://www.snopes.com/melania-trump-architecture-degree/

  • Regret

    I like her words better than the white house’ words.
    Simple words are good for communicating.
    She communicates well, the white house sounds like they are lying.

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