(cache) Wife won't have sex...

Boston · #1 Nov 5, '13, 9:15 am

So what is the correct course of action when a wife won't have sex more than twice a month? She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won't see a counselor, won't go to the gym, won't attempt to reduce her stress levels.

My performance with past partners lets me know that it's not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.

I'm really regretting getting married. I'm still young and I can't live the rest of my life on so little sex.

Ascendent · #2 Nov 5, '13, 9:21 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boston

So what is the correct course of action when a wife won't have sex more than twice a month? She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won't see a counselor, won't go to the gym, won't attempt to reduce her stress levels.

Life is tough.

Quote:

My performance with past partners lets me know that it's not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.

Past partners being someone other than your wife? I believe that constitutes fornication? Do you regret this sin?

Quote:

I'm really regretting getting married. I'm still young and I can't live the rest of my life on so little sex.

It sounds like the sexual act is more important to you than your Wife as a person, the vows you gave to her in the sight of God, and helping her through the problems she may be having.

The correct Course of Action? Be a Husband and help your Wife through the difficult times she is having.

smichhertz · #3 Nov 5, '13, 9:27 am

Keep trying to get her to a therapist. Don't give up! You can try different methods, but make it clear how this is hurting you. Try to get her to talk to you about it as well. Why specifically does she always feel tired? What's making her depressed? Try and keep her communicating and hopefully you can get to some sort of answer as to why.

Keep up your spiritual life. Go to mass AND confession regularly. Pray often. Encourage her to join you in increasing your spiritual life. You can ask a priest for guidance on spiritual matters and encourage her to do the same.

Also, if she's having trouble motivating herself to go to the gym what about just getting out of the house together? Go do something, anything! Maybe go for a walk in the park, or something of lighter physical activity.

Try to stay positive. Depression is infectious, and if she is feeling it, you'll be tempted to get dragged down with her. Keep spirits up, and try to keep hers up as well. Talk about it with close friends / family and other loved ones that you trust. They help keep your spirits up.

And above all else, pray!

**MarcoPolo** · #4 Nov 5, '13, 10:32 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boston

I'm still young and I can't live the rest of my life on so little sex.

Obviously, we do not know you that well other than what you posted, but I may recommend studying more on the Theology of the Body and the true meaning of sex, which is not dependent on "volume" of sex. The notion that you can't live without sex is a very modernist perversion of our human nature, largely thrown at us by a darkened culture.

Loving disciple · #5 Nov 5, '13, 10:36 am

Well it is her choose and you should respect that. Try to lower the stress levels by being helpful. In a marriage you can't be selfish or it will fail. I have seen it before. Don't regret marrying because a marriage is much more than sex. I am younger than you and I have never had or needed sex. The desire is still there though.

**Corki** · #6 Nov 5, '13, 10:50 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boston

My performance with past partners lets me know that it's not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.

I'm really regretting getting married. I'm still young and I can't live the rest of my life on so little sex.

Your experience with past partners has likely poisoned your view about sex. You see it as some "right" by itself and something to "get" and not an expression of marital oneness.

Let me be clear - this is not about her - it's about you. Go to a counselor if you want (you alone, not as a couple at first) and try to regain what you threw away (hopefully before you got married and not since) but until you get over your warped view of sex, nothing will change.

dshix · #7 Nov 5, '13, 10:51 am

You are regretting getting married because you're not getting enough sex? That sounds quite superficial to me.

Do you love your wife? Do you care for her needs and wants? I think that she feels used, and rightly so.

Forget about the sex for a few weeks and focus wholly on her and her needs. Find out what's wrong and how you need to change your own behaviors to help her. Treat her as a loving spouse should.

TK421 · #8 Nov 5, '13, 10:55 am

Continue to be as good of a husband as you can and go to God with your struggles. Ask Him how to be a better person. Ask him to make you grow. Marital struggles that arise solely from one partner or the other are probably quite rare. Scrutinize yourself thoroughly or ask another person for help in it.

She is dishonoring her marital vowels, but you can't force a person to act a certain way other than being a continual light for them. Offer help for her. Try to make her laugh. Ask her how her day was. Tell her you love her. Rub her feet. Etc.

Even if the motions seem rote to you, going through with them through an act of will can have a way of stirring up certain natures within us that were once dormant. You may learn to love her more, and she may do likewise.

oldcelt · #9 Nov 5, '13, 11:01 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by dshix

You are regretting getting married because you're not getting enough sex? That sounds quite superficial to me.

Do you love your wife? Do you care for her needs and wants? I think that she feels used, and rightly so.

Forget about the sex for a few weeks and focus wholly on her and her needs. Find out what's wrong and how you need to change your own behaviors to help her. Treat her as a loving spouse should.

Sound advice. This a situation that needs to be handled with a great deal of sensitivity.

Forget about your past relationships and work with the woman you chose for life.

coachkfan1 · #10 Nov 5, '13, 11:02 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boston

So what is the correct course of action when a wife won't have sex more than twice a month? She cites depression, stress, lack of exercise, whatever, but also refuses to do anything about those causative issues. Won't see a counselor, won't go to the gym, won't attempt to reduce her stress levels.

My performance with past partners lets me know that it's not a lack of ability on my part, either in the bed or in generating overall romance.

I'm really regretting getting married. I'm still young and I can't live the rest of my life on so little sex.

Twice a month? There are a lot of us men who would say consider yourself blessed!

**Corki** · #11 Nov 5, '13, 11:04 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TK421

Continue to be as good of a husband as you can and go to God with your struggles. Ask Him how to be a better person. Ask him to make you grow.

She is dishonoring her marital vowels, but you can't force a person to act a certain way other than being a continual light for them. Offer help for her. Try to make her laugh. Ask her how her day was. Tell her you love her. Rub her feet. Etc.

Even if the motions seem rote to you, going through with them through an act of will can have a way of stirring up certain natures within us that were once dormant. You may learn to love her more, and she may do likewise.

While I am pretty sure you meant "vows"

I see absolutely nothing in the OP about her dishonoring her vows.

tominator2 · #12 Nov 5, '13, 11:29 am

That's a difficult situation.
Suggestions:
1) pray for her.
2) pray that God will help you love her and stay loving to her no matter what.
3) Try to talk to her about this regarding how you feel. Tell her first that you love her and have given your life to her.
4) Ask her what you can do to encourage her be more receptive to you.

I don't think it's helpful to assign blame to either you or her. But you can't change her. You can only change you. If there is anything you can do to be more loving and accepting to her, that might help the situation. It might not increase the frequency of your relations, but it might help you.

I think it is somewhat common to have misgivings about marriage early on. Your wife seems so different from when she seemed to be trying to win you. But believe me, things can and will get better if you stick with it. Keep praying and keep loving.

I will pray for you.

Tom

Evania · #13 Nov 5, '13, 11:32 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corki

Your experience with past partners has likely poisoned your view about sex. You see it as some "right" by itself and something to "get" and not an expression of marital oneness.

Let me be clear - this is not about her - it's about you. Go to a counselor if you want (you alone, not as a couple at first) and try to regain what you threw away (hopefully before you got married and not since) but until you get over your warped view of sex, nothing will change.

^^^This^^^

What if your wife had some illness that required abstinence. It's all part of your vows, my friend.

GaryTaylor · #14 Nov 5, '13, 11:46 am

IMHO, I believe you ought to rediscover your love and friendship without sex. Perhaps when you can meet at this point your situation will naturally change.

juno24 · #15 Nov 5, '13, 12:10 pm

OP, you are on your 3rd marriage in what? 6-7 years? A year ago you were inquiring about how you should go about getting your 2 previous civil marriages declared null, and you stated you had no new marriage prospects on the horizon. How long did you know your current wife before marrying her? Did you never notice her mental health issues? Did you ever discuss her health or lack of self-concern? My suggestion is that the 2 of you get some counseling to work out your marriage, but that you also get individual counseling to figure out what makes you want to marry, divorce, marry, divorce, marry...