[30/F] My boyfriend just left me because I complained about him behind his back

tonster181 · 1日前

Everyone here is supporting you which is a shame, because you might be encouraged to make the same mistake again. Talking to others about your relationship is a red flag, especially since you describe how you tore him down.

Not every person is going to be an open book. You two weren't really compatible and that is okay. Just realize that all the people telling you it is his fault are wrong. It was a compatibility issue that started it and you crushed him with your words, ending it.

rj2029x · 2日前

You need to work on yourself and stop blaming others for your choices. Your post starts out blaming him for your paranoia and your inability to directly request a sit down conversation about issues going on in your relationship. Especially when, from the sounds of it, you have so many grievances with your boyfriend.

Honestly I would have packed up and left as well if you decided to talk to someone else about me and not to me. Nowhere in your post does it say you requested a conversation or asked him what was wrong. Your post gives the impression that he would stop talking or not talk to you as much and you would instantly go into panic mode and start apologizing. You don't say whether he was busy, if he has a high stress job, etc. You give absolutely nothing but 'it's his fault I act the way I do and have to talk bad about him behind his back.'

I'm not trying to be insulting here, I'm just trying to illustrate how messed up it sounds that you are putting all the blame on him for your decision to trash him behind his back. If you two truly had that big of a communication issue then my advice to you would be to work on your own communication skills. As far as advice for your next relationship, use real communication skills and be on the lookout for a partner that is unwilling to communicate back.

hoodiegirl1 · 1日前

The only thing that could have helped is if he'd been communicating with you. This sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine. No relationship should make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around the person who is supposed to be your best friend.

Akseba · 1日前

I just wanted to add my disapproval of the top comment and the way it shames people for speaking about their relationships. People who seek to censor others are a red flag to me. If people are shamed into never talking about their relationships what happens to reporting for domestic violence and abuse? Sometimes the first alarm to sound is hidden in a quiet confession to a close friend...

For those who have never had to deal with someone like OPs partner, I'm sure it's very easy to demonise her for talking about him/their relationship problems. Constantly struggling to get a response from your partner, who uses silence and/or deprivation of affection as a punishment for any small infraction, can be tortorous. OP said she felt like she was walking on eggshells. Do those of you who are judging her know what that's like?

Communication in a relationship requires effort from both partners and he was failing her. As a result, OP reached out to a friend.

When OP decided to talk to her friend about her relationship problems she admits that she got carried away; she doesn't need you to kick her about it. Whining about little things your partner does isn't appropriate as it can be damaging, but seeking support in crisis should not be frowned upon. Of course OP could have done things differently; she could have been more restrained or sought out therapy, but we all make mistakes and hers is hardly the worst among them.

Her partner is within rights to leave if he chooses, but she is probably better off without someone whose poor communication and behaviour makes her feel so bad. If he returns, they will need therapy to avoid to this situation reoccurring.

Neither party was perfect, but neither was totally at fault either.

Diablo165 · 2日前

What could we have done differently to have a more stable relationship?

Picked someone that's able to communicate? Honestly, it sounds like you're better off without him, and you didn't even have to pull the trigger!

The-Ham-Bummer · 1日前

what use is discussing what might have been? maybe had you woken up 5 minutes earlier one day you'd have gotten into an accident. Will this register in our analysis?

You either stalk him and tell him, like, "what I told it is true yet I want to stay with you forgive me", or start again and do not accept to be blackmailed by passive silence.

My criterion is, if somebody shuts up about it even when I ask what's wrong, then it is not my business anymore.

spotH3D · 1日前

This is for the best OP.

However it can be bad news in a good relationship to talk shit about your SO to friends or family. If nothing else than for the reason that will poison their perception of him.

In your case you were driven to this end due to repressing a bad situation.

You did nothing wrong, except for tolerating it as long as you did.

shadowwolfsl · 1日前

I had this problem after a 2.5 year relationship that ended my first semester of college. Fact is, its incompatibility

NCOSRane · 1日前

Never talk about your relationship issues with people outside of your relationship.

If I were to go talk shit about my girl with my best friend, she'd be devastated. If I were to talk shit about my girl with a female friend, she'd be 100% convinced I was cheating or looking to cheat.

When you're in a relationship, it's the two of you against the world. Not you and the world against your boyfriend, to try to get him to shape up and be the kind of man you want. You're the one person in the world who shouldn't be against him. When you're recruiting the outside world against your boyfriend, you're just another part of the world then. You're not his teammate. You're just another enemy or obstacle.

You and whoever you end up dating are going to have various strengths and weaknesses, and the two of you will need to accept each other, not try to change each other. You'll be able to accept some things in a man, and not be able to accept other things. For example, you had a hard time accepting that your ex-boyfriend communicates differently than you do. Not all people want to talk it out. Not all people need verbal closure for every single incident. And that's fine. Two people can have different ways of doing something and neither one is necessarily wrong.

If you can't accept certain things about your partner, move on. Don't string him along, and don't talk shit about him to people outside of your relationship. Your relationship is your story. Yours and his. Not social candy for your circle of friends.

EMBIenTe · 1日前

You dodged a bullet here. Someone who can't communicate why and how something upset him, who shuts out his partner and gives the cold shoulder rather than talking things out, is not going to be able to have a stable relationship. Not saying that he's a bad person or anything, but you can't have a relationship without open, respectful communication and at least the intention of understanding where the other is coming from. Writing out apology letters for anything you "could have" done to hurt him, without even knowing what that is, is not normal in a relationship.

You must be hurting right now, and that's okay. But don't think there's anything you could have done differently. It's unfortunately he wasn't able to be a better communicator, but that's on him, not you.

otitropanit · 1日前

I dated someone like this. Many therapy sessions later we learned that his insecurities about rejection made him unable to communicate in a way that most people would consider to be "normal." So if he was mad, he did the silent treatment. It's very passive aggressive. When things got to be really tense, he could sometimes get aggressive in communication. I understand how it could be that someone would make a situation so miserable that you would be conditioned not to try to communicate with them. That's part of how the passive aggressiveness is so powerful and works.

No matter how hard we tried, we were not compatible in communication styles. He couldn't say something was wrong, and I couldn't handle the silent treatment. I couldn't take it that he didn't want to talk about how the silent treatment wasn't ok with me, but he didn't want me to share any of this with anyone else. No win. So I stopped playing.

I believe that you will be better off without this person, and know that for future relationships THIS doesn't work for you. Best of luck through the heartbreak phase of this.

LittleMissHustle · 1日前

Context is everything. I have been involved with more than one man who won't communicate with me about jack shit, much less important things. What happens is a dynamic develops by where you just stop trying to communicate about anything important and it's ALL DOWN HILL FROM THERE. All I got was ANGER for trying to be supportive and communicative, bc THAT is my nature and they weren't interested in that on any level. Well... The day came when I was the one who was done talking. Imagine that. And now they can't get over it. I was the one who wouldn't talk, after their refusal for years to actually TALK. You know what that's called when people attack and demean you for doing the right thing?? Manipulation. Try to kee you guessing for the duration of a relationship is a control tactic, especially when they wouldn't communicate. I just lmao at my ex sometimes. He'll say, it's a shame we didn't talk about it. I think, ummmm YOU didn't talk about it and you treated me like I meant NOTHING to you. You know who puts up with that?? An idiot, that's who. I'm not perfect but I'm SOFT as hell, if you had a brain, you would have figured that out by now and used it to your advantage. LOL.instead of pissing me off. In the end, my problem is bending over backwards for people, not playing manipulation and control games. That was the real problem, not me not talking to you ONCE.

Soooo, it's about history too.

Luxurybananas · 1日前

He's addicted to the attention. He secretly loves when you shower him with attention when he plays the ghost game. I've experienced it a lot with guys 18-early 20s. Seeing that he is still acting that way at 30 is bad. Very immature.

What could we have done differently to have a more stable relationship? Nothing. The relationship sounded like a big mess. You were not compatible plain and simple. You value communication and he needs to be in his shell. Neither one of you will change (and you shouldn't). I think you both need to move on.

bossoline · 1日前

You like to talk out problems and he likes space (which you never gave him). It sounds like you act out emotionally and he (probably) registers these things as hurt. His withdrawing causes you to panic and act that out, which increase his need for space, which you don't give him. Rinse repeat.

There is nothing wrong with either of you. The problem is that you're mismatched. You inflame each other's quirks and hang ups. Your relationship was probably never going to work anyway, but ESPECIALLY if you can't communicate effectively.

I'd just keep it moving.

Form1040 · 2日前

Well, I guess you have learned a lesson.

Spouses/SOs/GFs/BFs, etc. should NEVER run down their partners to outside people.

Here is a general life tip from an old guy: Women want to be desired and have attention paid to them by men. Men want to be respected and admired by women. Different.

You just shit all over him to another person. He is gone. Do not do that to next BF.

georgenormans1 · 2日前

It sounds like there may have been a bigger issue than just the communication problem at first that caused him to shut you out. Without knowing what made him do that, we can't be sure what went wrong.

whenifeellikeit · 1日前

Your relationship was very unhealthy. He isn't equipped to be in a healthy relationship, it seems. His communication problems preclude it. And that really destroyed the balance of power between you, as he was able to hold you hostage emotionally so frequently that you were walking on eggshells.

You can meet someone better for you. More open. More compatible. I know it hurts now, but hang in there. It'll pass.

Studsmanly · 2日前

You don't really want to be with someone who doesn't have the communication skills to tell you what's bothering them.

You're better off without him.

branfip82 · 1日前

The other day, I confided in a friend about how I was feeling. I got really emotional and carried away, listing everything I disliked about him and blamed him for my anxiety. I didn't realise he was in the house at the time (he must have came in quietly) and he heard everything. Without a word he packed a suitcase and left.

This is like a poorly written sitcom.

You're a dolt.

CupcakePie · 1日前

It's probably for the best, could you see yourself living like that for forever? I wouldn't be able to and I wouldn't want anyone else too.

rorank · 1日前

This didn't seem like an altogether healthy relationship in the first place. It isn't your place necessarily to talk badly about your significant other behind his back and say those things, however the relationship was clearly not good for you anyway.

GimmeAllTheOrcas · 1日前

Communication comes from both sides.

The more I asked him what the matter is, the more he pushed me away. Being the person that I am, I usually got really emotional and clingy and pleaded with him to forgive me. I often ended up writing out a big apology for anything I'd done that could have hurt him. Eventually he'd come round and things would be back to normal again, but we wouldn't really talk about what happened.

YOU DID ask him what was wrong!! And even though you didn't even know specifically why he was punishing you....you apologized anyway! Does this guy expect you to read his mind? How are you to evolve and grow without knowing where you went wrong or what, specifically, made him feel so threatened from being open with you in the first place? To be honest, it sounds like he has some real communication problems and the fact that he was willing to just leave and blame it all on you like that....isn't cool. No doubt you shouldn't have confided all of that to your friend. Some things I think are cool for friends knowing....others I would definitely keep between my boyfriend and I. Just out of respect. But I don't blame you for wanting to vent with all this built up anxiety. It sounds like it got to the point where you were constantly thinking you were the problem, but didn't know why or didn't know how to fix it and that's like.....manipulative. He saw how much you were pleading to help him. Of course you want your partner to feel happy and safe with you. I'm sure he knows how strongly you feel for him. It wasn't cool the way you spoke about him to your friend and it really sucks he heard it...but the fact that he walked out, without a word, blocked you on everything is childish. He needs to grow up, learn confrontational skills, and learn how to communicate about his feelings. I understand it's difficult, but if he doesn't trust you with his vulnerabilities...find someone who will. Find someone who will be a teammate with you. Find trust in a healthy relationship. Shutting you out like that without even TRYING to communicate...even a little....sounds like he eventually was just punishing you and self-sabotaging to prove you were capable of hurting him so he could eventually leave and protect himself from REALLY getting hurt. Well, now he has a real reason to prove you are capable of hurting him. But TBH, it sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Not cool on the venting to your friend. I understand how hurt he felt. But TBH, it sounds like he needs some therapy...you both do..on learning how to communicate before that ever being a healthy, stable relationship. Move forward. This is your chance on finding someone who wants to be on the same team with you when shit gets real and hard. Not shut you out and expect you to read his mind.

Next time you're in that situation where someone shuts you out....Calmly let them know you are there to speak about the matter whenever he/she feels comfortable. That you would be happy to address their concerns because shutting out isn't healthy and it doesn't feel good and you want them to know they are safe with you...if they address the issue. Otherwise, if he/she is shutting you out after you left an open invitation....ask yourself "is this mine?" is this weight of negative energy they are carrying around...yours to carry? Don't carry their anxiety. Don't carry their shit around if you don't even know what it is. Let it go. If they don't take the invitation after multiple attempts, write it off as their problem and move forward. Don't take on their shit when they don't accept the offer for you to. Go about your day happily and normal. And they will either come around, or they won't. And if they don't..after multiple times, eventually, it will be an unstable, failing relationship because communication is key.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you got straight ghosted and my heart hurts for you. But take this as a lesson and find a partner who is willing to communicate.

Edit: formatting

CDev33 · 1日前

Let me respond to this post by saying that I am both of you at the same time. If someone really hurts me or upsets me I shut down entirely. I was abused as a child and it's a coping mechanism I have to help myself deal with the pain and sadness in the interim. During this time I do not want to be consoled, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to feel like I'm being unfair because I don't want to talk about it right then. I want my time to properly process my feelings in response to whatever it was that happened. That being said the conversation will be happening by the end of the day. The following day I will still be upset, but won't want to have the conversation and would prefer just to move on, also a coping mechanism. This really sounds like you needed to give him space to process things, but also demand a conversation before bedtime rolls around. If he's unable to do that then you have either done something monumentally upsetting, or he isn't going to be able to discuss things with you, both red flags.

However, I am also like you. If I can tell that I've hurt someone I feel absolutely horrible and will do anything to fix it. The problem being that you can't do it sometimes and you need to wait. Prodding them about it will only result in them wanting nothing to do with the conversation and they just end up feeling berated. It's a fine line to walk and you have to learn how to do it. You can't instantly be sorry for anything and everything you've done, but it also can't be their fault too. I also developed this because of the abuse I dealt with. I couldn't stand the idea of inflicting pain on another person, or anything even similar, the way it had been on me. I force myself to stop trying to immediately fix everything and work on finding out what most likely happened and why it happened. You don't apologize for everything all at once. You must wait to know why and understand what happened. Providing them with a laundry list of "I'm sorry for ..., X, Y, Z, AA, .... will get you nowhere but trouble as they feel more upset about these new things that you've pointed out.

Finally, while breaking down to your friend may have helped you it certainly won't help your significant other. How do they ever look them in the face again knowing what they know, and not feel like shit or awkward? If I was him I would have packed a bag and been long gone as well. That's a barrier you cannot cross. If you're going to break down to that level it better be in front of me or your personal therapist. If things are that bad you have to show it to them not to your friends. It's a betrayal of trust and just makes them feel like scum because they're "that bad". For someone with emotional issues already, it's like sticking a knife in their back.

HEONTHETOILET · 2日前

How old is he

foreverinfinate · 1日前

.I just want to know why he couldn't just talk to me.

I just wanna know why you couldnt just talk to him! instead of going behind his back to complain.....It takes two to tango. You caused this as much as he did. Learn from your mistakes and how to communicate properly with your SO.

What could we have done differently to have a more stable relationship?

Talk about your problems in a constructive manner not a destructive manner in which you both did! He shuts down and you talk shit. What did you really expect to happen.

Dragonsblud · 2日前

It's over he needs therapy that's why

bashar_speaks · 1日前

I just want to know why he couldn't just talk to me.

Probably because talking to you is unpleasant and frustrating.

What could we have done differently to have a more stable relationship?

Break up sooner.

evilheartemote · 1日前

This is why you have to be careful when talking about other people behind their backs. I used to go online to vent about problems/ask for advice regarding issues with other people, and that came back to bite me when two people went through my reddit account (separately) and figured out that I had been talking about them. Oops... I'm still friends with both of them, but it drove a wedge into my friendships with them for a while

Anyway, it's over now, so for you, you just have to remember not to make the same mistake again. Or, if you are going to go behind someone's back (say someone said something that unintentionally hurts you so you ask someone else how to deal with it), make. sure. they will never find out about it. Should I be advocating this? Probably not. But you won't always know how to deal with an issue on your own. Just be careful not to vent, or leak too many details. Ask for what's needed, and leave it at that. If you find yourself needing to vent often, maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't be in that relationship.

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