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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Kremlin Agent Not Even Going To Bother Trying To Compromise Trump Staffer Who Will Be Forced To Resign In Few Months

MOSCOW—Saying he did not want to waste his energy, Kremlin agent Pyotr Vasiliev told reporters Friday that he would not even bother trying to compromise a Trump staffer he knew will be forced to resign in a few months. “What’s the point of putting in the effort to exploit him when it’s so obvious that he’s just going to get the boot by May at the latest?” said Vasiliev, adding that he saw no real reason to blackmail someone who was well on his way to being pushed out regardless. “It’s a lot of work to prepare dossiers on these people, and it’s just not worth it if they won’t even be around long enough to manipulate. Seriously, why should I gather all this intelligence on someone if I’m just going to wake up one day to a press conference where he announces he’s stepping down, effective immediately?” At press time, Vasiliev had decided to refocus his attention on President Trump, who he believed would not be forced to resign for at least another year.

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