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submitted by lindtcandle
We've been dating for a year, at first he dressed normally but after several months I realised that right before we started going out, he'd updated his wardrobe, which is a very rare thing for him to do and now his clothes are worn out, he has no plans to do anything about this.
He wears vans sneakers that have holes in them and the sole is falling off, jeans that are shredded where his shoes walk on the back bottom of the leg (he also wears them in the saggy way where his undies are on show), t shirts with small holes in them that are also old looking, and has no nice evening wear - not even a jacket! He has old hoodies with torn up sleeves.
When we go out I ask him to wear a button up shirt, which he has because of his work, and sometimes he does this but not always (e.g. in the wash) and if I didn't ask he never would. It's been summer so the lack of non-casual clothes hasn't been as noticeable lately.
But I had an important family event on last weekend, my cousin's engagement party. At the very least it required a button up shirt, nice jeans or chinos and leather shoes, and probably a jacket as thunderstorms were predicted (and happened).
I gave my bf a lot of notice about the event, and said that it was a semi-formal event. He said ok. A couple of weeks before the event I asked if he had everything, because we could go shopping together, and/or I could ask my brothers (similar size) if he could borrow chinos or shoes (they had okayed this). My mum and brothers and I went shopping for some new clothes so we would look nice - a lot of photos would be taken!
He said no to all of this, and when I described what he should wear, he said he 'didn't want' to buy chinos or leather shoes, I said he could borrow, it didn't matter. I said could you at least buy new jeans and vans - no, he 'hates shopping'. I said I'll buy them, he said no and was getting angry so I dropped it. I was quite upset about this, I was stressed about the event going well, I also feel that not dressing appropriately is disrespectful to the host.
Anyway the day came, and he'd borrowed an old jacket from his brother, and in a button up top. But still the ragged old torn up jeans and vans. I decided to put it out of my mind and enjoy the day, telling myself most photos aren't of legs and feet.
He asked me what I thought about his clothes, clearly expecting praise. I wasn't sure what to say, I seriously did not feel like praising him for barely meeting what I consider to be pretty average adult expectations. I said "....yeah..." and that his shirt was nice and left it, it was a bit awkward and he wasn't too happy about my response.
Later I was venting a bit to my mum and she said I should have praised him, because although the effort was small in my eyes he did make an effort, and that should be rewarded, and that will encourage him more in the future. I'm not convinced, why should I be the one who has to train an adult man like a dog about what normal dressing expectations are?? I can't understand why he doesn't want to own clothes better than torn up t shirts, does he not want to look good? What if he has to go to a funeral?? I'm not asking for him to wear a tux - these are normal clothes you'd wear to anything fancier than a pub!
I'm seeing him tomorrow and I feel like I should address this, but I really don't know if I'm in the wrong here with my attitude. Should I apologise and commend his efforts? It'll feel like I'm lying. Does anyone have advice? Asking him about it only gives me 'I don't want to' and 'I don't care' answers, when I say that I care he says, 'well that's not my fault'.
I have another family event in March and I feel anxious about having to go through all of this again. There's also been a couple of times where I've gone to his events, and he has underplayed the formal-ness of it, so I was also not dressed appropriately and felt very embarrassed.
Thank you!!
tl;dr: boyfriend refuses to dress above casual/torn clothing, I feel stressed and am unsure how to address it.
all 168 comments
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[–]luala [score hidden]  (20 children)
As an adult, he should know what's expected of him in these circumstances. You did everything you could to let him know what was expected, and he failed. Sounds like he just didn't care enough.
He may feel that this is about 'appearances aren't important' so I think you need to make it clear this is about being appropriate to the occasion, rather than trying to impress or be shallow. It's worth calmly explaining how his choices made you feel, and what you needed from him.
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[–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (13 children)
Thanks for confirming that.
He has a really strong reaction to people 'judging' him. In a lot of his life, not just clothes. He'll rant about it to me. He will probably be angry with me for 'judging his appearance not who he is'. I'll remember to be clear on the distinction about the occasion and focus on how I feel.
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[–]rayray-lee [score hidden]  (0 children)
Eww. This attitude is so immature for me. It's the "2edgy4u" thing that needed to be left behind in middle school. There's nothing wrong with wanting a partner with more mainstream beliefs and values, that's not really "judgmental" in the way he's acting like it is.
At the core however, if that's how he wants to dress, he's entitled to it and it'll be hard for you to change him.
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[–]anonymouse278 [score hidden]  (1 child)
If he tries to pull the "you shouldn't care about my appearance, but who I am," try "Who you are is someone who couldn't be bothered to put on neat clothing in good repair for an important formal event for my family even after I asked you explicitly to do so and offered help to prepare. How did you think that would make me feel about you?"
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[–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (3 children)
'judging his appearance not who he is'
Fine. But clothes send a message about who you are. It may suck but it's how society works. And the message they send is: "disrespectful man failing to adult"
Also, who he IS is "disrespectful man failing to adult" of course
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[–]pyramin [score hidden]  (0 children)
More than that, it sends the message "I didn't care enough about this event to make an effort."
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[–]iiiipp [score hidden]  (1 child)
The way he's dressing now is to send a clear message about who he is, so even though he might not want to admit it, he is (perhaps sub-consciously) fully aware that that's how clothes work.
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[–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
The way he's dressing now is to send a clear message about who he is
yes indeedy!
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[–]pyramin [score hidden]  (0 children)
Dressing up for an event is less about impressing people with your fancy clothes and more about showing respect to the event. When you dress-down somewhere, it's like saying "this isn't important to me at all" or "you're not worth me making an effort." Nobody is sitting there judging him because he can't afford clothes. Even if they're not fancy or fitted very well, they need to be appropriate for the event. They sell dress clothes at goodwill (if you're in the US) for extremely cheap. No excuses.
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[–]raincharm [score hidden]  (0 children)
He can rant and be mad at people judging him all he wants, the world is not going to stop judging him just because he doesn't like it. Eventually you accept that the world is the way it is and learn to deal with it appropriately. The question is: how long will it take him?
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[–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (1 child)
Ah. Okay. He probably knows that he looks like a slob but he's too lazy to actually address it, so he's choosing to offload responsibility for his own failings onto other people. He isn't the one who made a mistake, nope, the problem is that the person talking to him is just a Judgy McJudgerson. This is a fundamental part of growing up - learning how to take responsibility for yourself and to handle someone telling you when you done messed up, A-Aron.
He will probably be angry with me for 'judging his appearance not who he is'.
See, but this IS who he is. His appearance is a direct reflection of who he is - he is a person who can't be bothered enough to not wear clothing full of holes. Why he does that is another ball game altogether. But it's who he is.
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[–]Train22nowhere [score hidden]  (0 children)
Okay. He probably knows that he looks like a slob but he's too lazy to actually address it,
I wonder if he's actually to lazy or if he's using the clothing as a scapegoat for feelings of insecurity. i.e. He feels like the people are judging him to harshly and by wearing ratty clothes he can blame it on the clothes (something that he could easily change) rather then himself.
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[–]randomevenings [score hidden]  (0 children)
I wear a lot of streetwear, but have no issue putting on a button down and khakis if there is an event like a wedding or something. I know it does not take away from who I am as they are only clothes.
Your BF is using his ratty clothes as a "mask" and not as a fun way to express individuality. That is why he takes this personally when you want him to dress for certain occasions. That is why he doesn't want to take them off for any reason. He might be really depressed or have some other mental health issue that needs addressing. All the people calling him immature aren't quite understanding this.
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[–]fierceindependence23 [score hidden]  (0 children)
Has he been nagged all his life? Growing up? Is that what he's feeling now?
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[–]ohoneoh4[🍰] [score hidden]  (4 children)
"This is about being appropriate to the occasion, rather than trying to impress or be shallow." Nailed it, I had a similar problem with an ex and once he understood that it wasn't about vanity, it was about matching the efforts and expectations other guests/attendees/whatever would be putting in, it got a lot easier.
When I said "I feel embarrassed when you turn up scruffier than everyone else, because it looks to outsiders like you don't even want to be there" he realised that this wasn't the image he wanted to portray to others and that helped, too.
Then I would buy him a nice t-shirt or formal shirt occasionally and give it to him, saying I had seen it and thought he'd like it or would suit it. He'd wear it mostly to make me happy. Then I'd tell him how great he looked (ESPECIALLY when he was really nicely dressed) and, well, positive reinforcement cemented it. I think previously he felt uncomfortable in nice clothes, just because he wasn't used to seeing himself in them, and when I complimented him he felt confident enough to wear them with pride, and others would notice that he looked good too. Eventually he started to develop his own style and buy more clothes for himself. Some of his outfit choices I still shake my head at but that's him, at least he has decent clothes to wear to more formal events now.
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[–][deleted]  (3 children)
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    [–][deleted]  (1 child)
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      [–]aigirl [score hidden]  (0 children)
      Agreed. I can respect that people have their own styles and for some, dressing a particular way is about expressing themselves, but sometimes being respectful to an occasion or others is more important than that. This was disrespectful.
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      [–]bbinwwwv [score hidden]  (17 children)
      If he can't/won't conform to dressing appropriately I'd be very hesitate to invite him to anything beyond a jeans-appropriate event. It's disrespectful to the host, to the occasion, to himself, and to you.
      My advice is to be straight forward and tell him that his refusal to wear appropriate attire embarrassed you and that you won't be inviting him to nicer events in the future unless he expands his wardrobe to include adult clothing.
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      [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (16 children)
      Oh this is an idea I hadn't thought of. I will definitely consider this for the family event in April, and 1000% will make that rule for my cousin's wedding in September. I think this event really upset me because I subconsciously was seeing it as a trial run for the wedding, of how he'd dress, and he failed it. Thank you!!
      I'll have to think of how to approach the subject, as he thought he did well at the engagement party, so he'll probably be angry. But the wedding is an absolute hard line I will draw.
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      [–]purpleviolinx3 [score hidden]  (10 children)
      I'm not sure if that solution would work if your BF does not give two fucks about attending such events anyway. You can only use it to give him an ultimatum if he cares.
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      [–]unbearablebarebear [score hidden]  (8 children)
      Oh he will care; OP will be dressed beautifully for those events, and there will be other men (not all of them family) dressed in very handsome formal attire.
      OP probably won't intend to flirt or anything, but I can bet there'll be a group picture or two that she'll be tagged in with said handsome (not-related-by-blood) gentlemen with her.
      After that happens a couple of times he'll realize that his decision to keep dressing down is having an impact on his relationship with her.
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      [–]Dr_Sax [score hidden]  (2 children)
      Or, he won't give a fuck because he trusts OP, while she goes crazy from his lack of response.
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      [–]unbearablebarebear [score hidden]  (1 child)
      Possibly, but he's also going to be missing from major moments in her life. People are going to wonder why she isn't bringing him to these events and her answer is going to be...what..."He decided he didn't want to wear a suit for six hours, so I didn't feel he would be an appropriate escort for this."
      That sounds pretty petty on his part. And he's just written himself out of her stories for those events, and he won't appear in any of the family albums until he decides to get his shit together. And he'll miss out on spending a great night out with his girlfriend where they both look fantastic and they both can be in pictures together they can look back on fondly.
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      [–]omegasus [score hidden]  (4 children)
      But it won't right? Because OP isn't talking about cheating on him with well dressed guys. I can't speak for everyone, but I don't get insecure when my SO goes to events with other well dressed people of the opposite sex and take pictures together. I trust her. If OP raises the question of breaking up, that's an entirely different matter undisturbed by her going to weddings or whatnot. And that's the crux of the matter.
      Many people in this sub typically propose praising your partner when they make a small effort out of the norm, but OP has made it clear she doesn't want to do that or be responsible for that. So that's her decision right there.
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      [–]unbearablebarebear [score hidden]  (3 children)
      I never said cheating, I'm saying he's missing out on: being out with her when she looks her best, being in awesome couple pictures that show them BOTH dressed up nicely.
      He will realize that her deciding that him dressing up for these family functions means he's missing out on putting his own best foot forward to her family and isn't being part of all of her stories.
      She's not going to cheat, but she is going to appear in pictures with many well dressed people while she is also looking extra-beautiful and well dressed.
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      [–]twatwater [score hidden]  (0 children)
      Yeah, I would be shocked if he cared about missing that stuff. Doesn't sound like he would give a shit.
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      [–]catinerary [score hidden]  (0 children)
      All of your advice is projection of your own feelings and doesn't take into account OP's bf's personality
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      [–]DeseretRain [score hidden]  (0 children)
      But he might not care about that at all. You're coming at this from the perspective of someone who actually does think those clothes make someone look "their best" and "extra beautiful." I'm more similar to her boyfriend about clothes, and I actually find people FAR more attractive when they're just dressed in jeans and Tshirts. I couldn't care less if I "miss out" on being around my SO when they're wearing whatever stupid outfit society has randomly dictated is considered appropriate this year. I might dress up out of consideration for them if it would hurt their feelings for me not to, but I'd always think it was stupid that they even cared, and definitely wouldn't feel like I was "missing out" if I didn't get to hang around them and take pictures with them wearing those clothes.
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      [–]dragonfliesloveme [score hidden]  (0 children)
      Does he use his anger as a controlling mechanism? Because it seems you are a little fearful or hesitant to bring up the subject of the wedding because he might get mad.
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      [–]RichiChiki [score hidden]  (3 children)
      Since he probably hasn't the slightest idea on how to choose what to buy, you could go with him to shop for his clothes. He has no clue on what is elegant and what is not, so going with him could teach him a little... and you'd get him dressed up exactly as you want. I bet you enjoyed dressing up Barbie's Ken when you were little!
      If he refuses your help because "he doesn't care", you'll know he won't change anytime soon. If it gets to that point, you'll have to evaluate if his bad clothing is a dealbreaker for you.
      Edit: Yes, I read he refused already once. You could try again, if you think he's worth it. But if he behaves again this way you'll now he'll always do it.
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      [–]GameOfThronesIsOkay [score hidden]  (0 children)
      OP said that she offered to go shopping with him, but he declined and got angry, though.
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      [–]frowning-at-you [score hidden]  (0 children)
      Or he could google it. There are services that'll send you clothes and you send back whatever you don't like; no shopping required.
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      [–]AnnetteXyzzy [score hidden]  (0 children)
      It seems like she offers to go shopping with him a lot and he always turns her down.
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      [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (16 children)
      What he wears in daily life is his choice, but if he lacks the sense/maturity/politeness/social skills/respect (for them, for you) to know when it is approproate to dress conventionally then he is an ass, and I'd seriously reconsider his value
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      [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (8 children)
      As I'm typing and venting this, I'm realising that it could be a symptom of utter laziness and selfishness that is rearing its head in other parts of the relationship ... he's great in many ways. I feel tired of having to do so much work in the relationship
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      [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
      symptom of utter laziness and selfishness
      yeah, that figures
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      [–]doggos_for_days [score hidden]  (2 children)
      "I feel tired of having to do so much work in the relationship"
      This is concerning, because it's only been a year at this point. This is the time when you should not even notice the stuff that starts to become irritating in relationships - just imagine how much "work" you will have to do in the years to come if you ride this out. I'm usually not one for automatically saying "just break up!", but in this case, it will only get worse. You've done your part, you've tried to be reasonable, and like someone else mentioned, this is probably symptoms of laziness and immaturity that will be problematic in other areas as well.
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      [–]raincharm [score hidden]  (1 child)
      I would say that at around 1 year is exactly when you start noticing the irritating stuff. But yeah, it needs to be brought up and worked out, or fights around the problem will just intensify.
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      [–]doggos_for_days [score hidden]  (0 children)
      You start to notice things, perhaps, but to already have a large social problem that the other part doesn't want to address or work on - that's a bit early in my book. What happens when they reach the 3rd year, the one where you REALLY start to get on each others nerves?
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      [–]twentyninethrowaways [score hidden]  (0 children)
      Sounds very typical of guys his age with this 'issue'.
      Maybe you leaving will be the wake up call he needs? Sometimes it takes these guys losing someone they love before they realize they can't make relationships all about them.
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      [–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (0 children)
      I'm realising that it could be a symptom of utter laziness and selfishness that is rearing its head in other parts of the relationship
      This goes beyond his wardrobe, then. The clothes are just a symptom of a bigger problem.
      Perhaps instead of talking to him about his clothing, you should sit him down and tell him what you said here: there is a problem with total laziness and selfishness here, and you feel like you're the one doing most of the work, and you're tired. I think you'd find that discussion more productive - either you two will have a eureka moment and things will improve, or he will refuse to acknowledge his mistakes and it'll be obvious to you that this relationship has no future.
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      [–]JadedorTraded [score hidden]  (0 children)
      What does he do for a living? Because there's relatively few non-grunt work jobs that would hire someone who dresses like that.
      He doesn't want to be judged? Tough shit, appearance is the first thing you get judged on because when you approach people they have nothing to go off of other than your physical appearance. That's not to say he needs to dress to the nines daily, but that attitude is just plain poor. You're going to get judged no matter what, it's a fact of life; he is choosing-yes, choosing-to be judged as a slob. And that's his choice, but it doesn't mean you have to have a slob as an escort.
      If he can't understand the difference in dressing for an occasion versus dressing for vanity, then he is choosing to portray himself as a slob. How can he be offended about being judged for the character he chooses to portray?
      Edit: just re-read that he has button downs for work. This makes it worse. He does understand dressing for an occasion when it suits him ($$), it's just that when it suits you he can't be bothered. I wouldn't put up with it. And frankly, if I/he showed up to go to something formal and he was dressed like that, I'd leave him behind. It's not like he wasn't told what the appropriate attire was well beforehand.
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      [–]GemIsAHologram [score hidden]  (1 child)
      This hits the nail on the head. It's not that he doesn't have access to nice clothes. It's his terrible attitude and complete apathy that are the real problem.
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      [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
      terrible attitude and complete apathy
      thats how I see it
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      [–][deleted]  (4 children)
      [removed]
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        [–]RedInkStains [score hidden]  (1 child)
        It's really not about the jeans. It's about the lack of respect and utter laziness involved in the way he dressed for an event he knew about well ahead of time. It was important to OP and he was asked several times if he had appropriate dress/would buy it/borrow it. He had quite a few options in what to do. He could have even told OP he didn't want to go.
        He knew it was important to OP and still refused to put in minimal effort. Shopping is not that hard and OP offered to do it for him.
        If you aren't a fan of the advice given offer your own instead of calling someone names. There's a downvote button for a reason. You're also welcome to use it.
        OP, I would explain to him why this was a problem for you. Very clearly so that there is no doubt what the problem is. Why does he refuse to dress up a little for an important event? Make it clear he won't be at the wedding if he won't bother to dress for it.
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        [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
        It's really not about the jeans. It's about the lack of respect
        I agree
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        [–]Whallywhaler [score hidden]  (0 children)
        Yeah but it's not actually about ripped jeans. He refuses to make an effort to dress appropriately and as an adult. It just speaks to bigger issues like laziness, thoughtlessness etc.
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        [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
        did I say break up?
        so you find his utter lack of respect for others acceptable?
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        [–]BrickHizzy [score hidden]  (0 children)
        My girlfriend is often quite blunt about what parts of my wardobe she hates. Like literally using the word hate.
        It used to bug me a little but she has great taste and to be honest i thank her for it. My new clothes (some i bought. Some she bought) look fly as fuck.
        I think you literally need to be blunt and upfront. Dont mince your words. Give a man an inch and he will take a mile.
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        [–]toast-witch [score hidden]  (28 children)
        How blunt have you been with him? Cos you're gonna need to be very blunt, brutal even, if he's ever gonna take you seriously. Cos it's pretty clear to me that he does not care what clothes he wears so long as they're clothes, but we both know that's not good enough for many situations (I say this as an inherently scruffy person myself. Can't wear my oh so comfy ancient holey means to a formal event! That's beyond rude)
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        [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (27 children)
        Well I've told him I don't like specific items of clothing of his, or things like how his jeans hang low exposing his undies. Which offends him cos he wears those all the time (cos he has so few clothes). I've told him that dressing appropriately for events is important to me. I've told him exactly what I expect him to wear at specific events.
        I haven't told him - I feel embarrassed when he isn't dressed appropriately, that this issue is upsetting for me, that it feels like he is disrespecting my family, that I feel embarrassed to take him to some places. I guess I haven't been SUPER blunt. Because I don't know how that'd go down ...
        I've questioned a few of his choices, e.g. its raining so he doesnt want to go to something I planned cos his shoes have holes in the soles, I say "why won't you buy shoes that don't have holes in them?" he says "I cant be bothered to go to the shops"
        I can definitely work on speaking up. It feels like I hit a brick wall when I try however.
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        [–]toast-witch [score hidden]  (22 children)
        When you bluntly tell him how embarrassing his appearance is, how he responds will tell you exactly how much he values your opinion.
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        [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (21 children)
        Damn. True. I think he values my opinion but values his own much more :(
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        [–]toast-witch [score hidden]  (19 children)
        If he doesn't care that he's embarrassed you, that's even worse :(
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        [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (18 children)
        I haven't told him it embarrasses me, he would get offended and angry. When I've come close to the topic he says things like "if people are going to judge me for how I dress that's their problem" and "My clothes are comfortable, dress codes are stupid".
        You are right that I need to have a blunt, tough conversation with him. I'm not the best at speaking up about these things, something I need to work on for sure. I think I'm afraid of the answers I'll get and what they'll mean for the relationship.
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        [–]firefly232 [score hidden]  (8 children)
        "My clothes are comfortable, dress codes are stupid".
        That's a nice attitiude to have as an idealistic student, but it's not going to fly in the real adult grown-up world. For some events, dress codes apply. For some jobs, dressing smartly is a requirement.
        I think you're going to have to have a blunt conversation with him, about how his inability to dress appropriately is embarassing to you.
        On a related note, does he actually buy his own clothes, or do his parents still buy clothes for him?
        edit to fix spelling
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        [–]135791357 [score hidden]  (0 children)
        Some events won't even let people in if they're not following the dress code.
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        [–][deleted]  (6 children)
        [deleted]
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          [–]anonymouse278 [score hidden]  (3 children)
          Yes, look at all us sheep with our dry feet in the rain.
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          [–]greeneyedwench [score hidden]  (2 children)
          I just remembered that Captain Awkward letter where the guy wouldn't clean broken glass off the floor because, like, the man, man.
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          [–]WorstDogEver [score hidden]  (0 children)
          He won't go out in the rain because his shoes have holes, but he doesn't want to buy new shoes. It's not being a sheep to make sure your clothing is at least usable.
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          [–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Ha! Nice try, OP's boyfriend.
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          [–]UnlikelyExplanations [score hidden]  (0 children)
          "if people are going to judge me for how I dress that's their problem"
          He is so self-centred that he doesn't realise that YOU will be judged for how he dresses. People will wonder why you are with someone who is so lazy that they can't be bothered to get some decent clothes or make the slightest effort to show some respect when he is invited to public events.
          The bottom line is that he is an immature, lazy individual, and you know it.
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          [–]beaglemama [score hidden]  (2 children)
          So he would get offended and angry if you tell him he is embarrassing you but it is apparently okay for him to actually embarrass you?
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          [–]kalg [score hidden]  (0 children)
          He probably doesn't see it that way. In his mind, how he looks isn't important and moreover shouldn't be important, so anyone who cares is shallow and not worth paying much attention to. If she feels embarrassed it's because she's caring about the opinions of people she should be ignoring. For him, she should think they're full of crap, because she knows he's great regardless of the holes in his jeans. (The fact that he gets so defensive and angry probably means that this reaction is covering up some insecurities on his part and her poking at them is exposing things he's not ready to deal with.)
          She may have some success trying to change how he looks at dress codes. It's not about him being a slob or not, it's about showing respect to the hosts. It's not about looking nice when they go out, it's doing something that will make his girlfriend happy. Take his ego out of the equation.
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          [–]ansinoa [score hidden]  (0 children)
          If you can't express your opinion and discomfort about something totally reasonable without him getting mad (and especially if you fear him getting mad), there's something seriously wrong.
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          [–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I haven't told him it embarrasses me, he would get offended and angry.
          He has this all sewn up so neatly for himself. He gets to do whatever he wants, and you won't tell him anything negative because he just gets angry and he knows that it shuts you down.
          This isn't a healthy dynamic.
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          [–]soayherder [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Well... maybe he needs to get offended and angry? I mean, from what you're saying (here and other comments), you're putting more effort into the relationship, he has high expectations of you and of your appearance but simultaneously doesn't value you enough to make the same effort...
          It's not an automatic death knell to the relationship, but it's not a good sign going forward. And while some of it likely is your not being the best about speaking up, but it also sounds like you already know, not just fear, that he won't take it well - that a rational discussion will be rejected by him out of hand because he has to compromise. So right now you're the one compromising.
          I'm not trying to be mean or sarcastic, but ... what does he bring to the relationship that makes you want to stay with him longer-term? Fun's fun, but he sounds like he's going to be a chore to adult WITH.
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          [–]mrbetter [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Why are you even subjugating yourself to all this? I'd give you advice on dealing with him in formal situations but what's the point? This is pretty trashy and severely limits the events you are able to attend and share with your boyfriend. How is that fulfilling? Why bother when you can't even take him to nice events with your family.
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          [–]jbourne0129 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          How does he expect to handle a job interview? or his own wedding? or someone's funeral? Not all jobs will just let their employees wear whatever they want. Certain adult venues wont allow you to enter if your attire isn't appropriate. And if there is 1 thing I've learned, its that dress codes have a wide range of compliance.
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          [–]catfingers64 [score hidden]  (1 child)
          its raining so he doesnt want to go to something I planned cos his shoes have holes in the soles, I say "why won't you buy shoes that don't have holes in them?" he says "I cant be bothered to go to the shops"
          Even just on a practical level, throwing all fashion norms out the window, having shoes that work for you in the weather of your region is important. And he "can't be bothered" to get shoes that do the job of shoes? Really? And it's even preventing him from participating in things? I'm not sure what that is, but do you want to be with someone that thinks that way?
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          [–]anonymouse278 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Yes, honestly, if he's reached adulthood and maintained this level of stubbornness on this issue, you're probably not going to change him.
          I know someone who wears a ratty bathrobe- over his clothes- most of the time. He's... way far out there on the "not at all" end of the "how much do I care about what people think of me" spectrum, which is cool for him I guess. He's a nice person, but this devotion to wearing what he finds comfortable instead of what 99% of people would consider appropriate outdoor/public attire has had real consequences for his life, including precluding working anywhere where they're not cool with a guy wearing a ratty bathrobe in the workplace (which is most places).
          You have to decide whether or not this guy is worth constricting your life in all the ways he chooses to constrict his- like not being comfortable at semi-dressy events, knowing that he may blow things like job interviews because he won't change his clothing, and not being able to go outside in inclement weather because he won't buy new shoes or a jacket.
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          [–]pyramin [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Maybe he feels like he shouldn't have to dress up to be someone he's not, but when you go to a wedding and everybody's wearing nice clothes, does he think they're doing it because they think they're comfortable? Hell no, they're doing it because it's expected and because it sends the message "I care enough about your event to make an effort."
          This guy sounds stubborn as hell. This should be such a non-issue but all you hear are excuses.
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          [–]jbourne0129 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I cant be bothered to go to the shops
          Well, goo thing its 2017 and we live in the future. I ordered my last pair of shoes off of Amazon. There's literally no excuse to not get new clothes.
          You definitely need to be blunt about this. I'm surprised you haven't explained that your embarrassed by his wardrobe (during events where attire is important) because that really should have been one of the first things said.
          If you end up working with him to change his wardrobe I'd suggest taking it slow. Coming from a guy who used to wear jeans and Metallica shirts daily...it can be a bit overwhelming to jump immediately to a polo with khakis. I transitioned slowly...first moving to just plain t-shirts (without band logos) and gradually working into nicer clothing like sweaters and polos. Most importantly, its about finding something comfy.
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          [–]ApatheticMedic [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Our guys must be brothers, because my man wears some raggedy clothing. My husband is a blue collar worker, and he is hard on his clothing, so he tends to wear the same old shit and get it more dirty, more ripped, and more gross. At first when i called him out on it, he told me he couldn't see the logic in dirtying nice clothing, they would all end up that way eventually. I point out to him that there are varying degrees of acceptable clothing, and we could get him work clothes from the thrift store and replace them frequently (we have a store near us that sells all clothing for $1.20 per pound). He fought me tooth and nail. Finally, I told him a harsher truth - I am not attracted to him when he looks like a hobo. He was hurt, but he changed his tune really quickly. We spent $16 and bought him a ton of jeans and shirts just to work in.
          So now the new problem is that all of the sales women hit on him (hubby is smoking hot to begin with) and he doesn't know how to deal with the newfound attention when he is buying supplies. Regardless, as a business owner and a member of society - there are certain signals we send with our outward appearance. If your man won't let you buy stuff for him, then you need to limit your public appearances with him, and let him know why.
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          [–]LWdkw [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Well, generally, yes, it's a good case to praise people for effort even if they didn't quite hit the mark. In this case, the mark was very clear though. The process of you telling him about your expectations and trying to help him was perfect. So as you literally said "could you at least buy new jeans and vans", and he didn't, he didn't make an effort. He knew what you expected, and he decided against it. He doesn't deserve praise, he deserves scolding.
          So he's an ass for letting you down. I think /u/bbinwwwv made a very good suggestion of telling him he won't be invited in the future if he doesn't want to dress appropriately.
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          [–]glasswings1 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          He's not a puppy, it's not up to you to "train" him. He should be respectful of your wish to dress like he's not a bum. If he can't even have a conversation about it without getting upset about it, where does that leave you guys with communication? Does he shut down every concern you have? It might also help to use "I" statements. I feel -this way- when you -insert what he does- because -insert why it makes you feel that way-. If he still refuses to listen and talk about it, it's probably more than a clothes issue.
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          [–]turingtested [score hidden]  (0 children)
          So I was the woman version of your BF for years. Despite my appearance, the issue was that I am incredibly picky about clothing and have a hard time finding clothes that fit properly. (I have broad shoulders and long limbs, shirts are either short in the sleeves or swim on my trunk, problems with pants too.) Clothes shopping left me feeling ugly and incompetent.
          Anyway, I built up a ton of anxiety about it. Then I discovered internet shopping. I have all the time to find exactly what I want, I try it on in privacy, and I can return at my leisure. Now I look way better.
          The point is, there's likely something else going on.
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          [–]proudneanderthal [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I read all your comments.
          The title of your post should have been, "Boyfriend of 1 year is lazy, immature, egotistical and he doesn't respect me or my opinion. How do I get him to change into something I find acceptable?"
          This isn't a clothes problem, it's one of the ways his immaturity manifests itself. Basically you need him to grow up in a number of ways. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, and if he does grow up hopefully he'll be the man you still want. You can't force him to grow up, he'll do it at his own pace. If you try to force it it's not going to work. The other thing about being immature is that when he finally figures out how childish and stupid he's been he'll probably also change his friends, and SO, because he'll be embarrassed and he'll have a hard time facing everyone. It's a common thing when guys finally grow up, especially when it happens in their late 20's or 30's.
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          [–]Throwaway77774444 [score hidden]  (1 child)
          Your mother is totally wrong. This is a 22 year old man, he doesn't need his ass patted about the most basic behavior. And he didn't even meet expectations anyway. It's not your job to babysit hurt feelings about something this stupid.. I'd be very blunt with him. If he can't handle it, there are bigger issues.
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          [–]Ryocchi [score hidden]  (0 children)
          To be honest I would have gone alone.
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          [–]based_judge [score hidden]  (0 children)
          because although the effort was small in my eyes he did make an effort, and that should be rewarded
          If you reward minimum effort, you will continually get minimum effort.
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          [–]geniequeenie [score hidden]  (0 children)
          This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He's showing you how immature, lazy, selfish, and pointlessly stubborn he is. He had no respect for you or your relationship (i.e. no concern about your feelings or how you two appear as a couple).
          What a loser.
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          [–]dusknoir90 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I used to be like your boyfriend, with the holey trainers and worn clothes. My girlfriend at the time used to do things like go to the shop without telling me if I wore my trainers with holes in them, I just got angry at her for being immature. The reason was was because I didn't care about my appearance, I was fat anyway, nice clothes were wasted on me.
          We broke up, I lost a lot of weight and suddenly looking nice in clothes is something I enjoy. I enjoy the compliments my now girlfriend gives me on these new clothes. 2 years ago me would never believe I'm currently wearing £50 shoes ha. Is your boyfriend overweight? Does he groom in other ways (beard, hair)?
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          [–]scaudillmoo [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I have a very similar "style" to your boyfriend. Tattered jeans, holes in shirts and beat up vans. To shed some insight, it's not laziness, he probably just doesn't put much value into material possessions of appearances for others. For everyday life I think this is fine and I honestly don't think you should keep bringing it up to him as it's his choice what he gets to wear and he is still relatively young anyway.
          That being said, when I have a nice event to go to, I make sure I'm dressed appropriately for the occasion. He did drop the ball on the engagement dinner. I would have a talk framing it as you appreciated that he tried but explain the exact reasons why you were disappointed with his attire and how it felt like he couldn't be bothered. Make it about the formal occasion and not his everyday dress.
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          [–]SurlySmudge [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Ugh. I'm the kind of guy who hates dress codes but I'll still follow them when I -have- to.
          Like, it's a respect thing over any objections he has.
          It might be worth having a chat with him again. I'd call out his inability to respect others, but I'm probably overblunt.
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          [–]SpaghettiFingers [score hidden]  (0 children)
          It's like you just described my ex to me in exact detail. Based on my experience, this lack of concern for his image is unlikely to change. If you've already spoken your feelings on the matter and he responded with anger rather than understanding I doubt he feels there's even a problem. Personally I have little tolerance for the lack of maturity. It really doesn't take much to buy five shirts, five pairs of pants and one pair of shoes that don't look like shit, especially for an important family event.
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          [–]notHiro [score hidden]  (0 children)
          There is a lot of good advice here, but I wonder if maybe your boyfriend grew up poor or lower income? Perhaps he had an older sibling and always got hand me downs?
          I grew up both of those things, and even now that I have a nice job and by most metrics have my shit together, I find it extremely hard to buy and get new clothes. I'm 27 and still have shirts from high school. I dress nice to work and have slowly been working on my wardrobe for outside of work, but I find myself in the mindset of "oh this is still usable" even if the clothing in question is faded, has holes, etc. I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and trying to find a way to help him without being accusatory, and being a little more understanding if he has had a shakier past than what a lot of people here might think. Baby steps would help.
          If none of this applies though, and he continues to be stubborn and inconsiderate of your feelings, then you may want to take a lot of the other advice here over mine.
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          [–]dragonfliesloveme [score hidden]  (0 children)
          OP, I think his immaturity and selfishness are the real issues here, but I just wanted to say that even though it's possible for your bf to outgrow this attitude, some people never do.
          Source: my fucking brother-in-law who is in his 50s, shows up for a $250 dinner in jean overalls and vans. He looked like he was going to the Country Bear Jamboree Buffet or some shit. Like wtf?! I was embarrassed, but mostly pissed at his righteous self-centeredness and lack of respect. Like is it so hard to just be appropriate?
          Rant over, but this might just be how your bf is, it's possible he will not change.
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          [–]SaysiAlt [score hidden]  (9 children)
          Is he struggling for money by any chance? Personally I can't stand borrowing clothes from other people, and I've been known to skip events if I didn't have something appropriate to wear/the money to buy something.
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          [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (2 children)
          struggling for money
          Even so, if he is 22, unless he lives under a bridge I'd expect him to own one clean set of clothes, for job interviews if for nothing else
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          [–]SaysiAlt [score hidden]  (1 child)
          Not all industries require nice clothes for interviews. It has never once been appropriate for me to wear nice clothes to an interview.
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          [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (5 children)
          Nope, he is fine money wise - he loves tell me how much he's made in tips after every shift (he is on a decent wage, tips is extra). He has almost 10k saved up at the moment, says he wants to buy a new motorbike.
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          [–]drivebyjustin [score hidden]  (4 children)
          says he wants to buy a new motorbike.
          Oh good, glad to see his priorities are in order.
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          [–]Dr_Sax [score hidden]  (3 children)
          Of all the bullshit comments, this is the worst. The man is saving for something he wants and you have no call disparaging him because of something unrelated.
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          [–]DiTrastevere [score hidden]  (1 child)
          For a mature adult, luxuries get purchased after necessities. If he cannot be arsed to replace shoes that anyone else would consider unwearable (yes, if he cannot leave the house when it's raining because his socks will get wet, they are unwearable), he has no business buying a fancy motorbike. He doesn't need to buy out an Armani store but he needs functional and presentable clothes.
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          [–]tdasnowman [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Actually it is pretty related. He's 23. Saving for what he wants good, dosen't stop him from being an adult and budgeting for everything in life. He might not get his motorbike as fast but he won't be an embarrassment. The sagging whatever it's basically the norm these days. But wanting to be praised because you managed to do some laundry and wear a button up shirt, but couldn't make the effort to wear a proper pair of pants. Fuck that. He's acting like child and needs to be told he is. My 14 year old cousin manages to do his own laundry and dress appropriately, his 10 year old sister, dresses appropriately, fuck all my under 18 relatives can seem to manage to dress for events. I don't see why a 23 year old with 10k in the bank can't even make it to walmart if he dosen't want to spend to much money and throw 60 bucks into a look decent outfit.
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          [–]IH8Mayo [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Is this a money/pride issue? Does your boyfriend have enough money to buy nice jeans and shoes like you want?
          In reading your post, I almost wonder if he doesn't have the money to buy new clothes, so he wears them to ground before coughing up the money. The refusing to borrow clothes or let you buy new ones might be a pride thing, as many people who are poor don't want to be seen as a charity case.
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          [–]concretejungle631 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          This is a clear red flag for me. Does he not understand the importance of his attire in certain occasions? He may think that as long as he looks "good" with it, it's okay, but that's not the case. He needs to understand that his attire impacts not just him, but everyone around him as well, especially in certain events. Does he go to college?
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          [–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I don't think you're going to change him. He doesn't give a shit about his wardrobe or, apparently, how he looks in his clothing. He's slobby in his dressing habits and doesn't care enough to dress up for anything. This is who he is.
          You have a few options. First, you can continue attempting to train him like he's a young child or a pet, and drive both of you crazy, or go broke spending money on his clothes all the time. Second, you can accept it and learn to let it go. Third, you can decide that his slovenly appearance and his refusal to dress appropriately is a dealbreaker and date someone else.
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          [–]_mana [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Don't over think it. Buy him clothes that fit, something like eBay or poshmark can help with nice gently used name brand or whatever clothing then compliment him up to the 10,000th degree. It'll work. People notice. He will notice. It might be confidence.
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          [–]Slutlala [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Appearances are more important to you than they are to him. If that's something you consider bad enough that you're going to start resenting him instead of helping him through something he obviously wasnt taught then maybe you shouldn't continue this relationship.
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          [–]aigirl [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I agree with a lot of the points here about it being disrespectful, but just as another side to the coin - could it be that he can't afford to dress nicer, or is he very short/overweight/have any reason why it might be hard and stressful for him to find clothes?
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          [–]TastyBurgers14 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Maybe he thinks it's all a fashion statement? Is he into streetwear or kanye west
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          [–]jreiqjhigroeqnojgiro [score hidden]  (0 children)
          It's not your responsibility to teach a grown man how to dress himself. Stop taking him to semi-formal events.
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          [–]Juju76 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Pardon me if that was asked and answered before: What about his personal hygiene? Does he brush his teeth, shower regulary?
          Some thoughts: It might be possible that he misses something else in his life and doesn't think he is worth of looking good/better. He e.g. might be depressed.
          Another reason could be "learned dependence". Did/does he have somebody on his life who basically tells him what and how to do tasks? Takes tasks away from him and matters into his/her own hands?
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          [–]Mobile_pasta [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Your mom was trying to be nice.
          You're dating an immature 14 yr old.
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          [–]marafin [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Controversial opinion here judging by the other comments, but HE TRIED! the fact that he asked you what you thought shows he was aiming to please, some people just don't think it's that important if their jeans aren't perfect, you may be looking but that doesn't mean everyone does. I think if you want it to improve you need to be blunt. You should have said something like "I really appreciate you trying, and the top looked great. This might sound pedantic but I really would prefer you to pick some smarter trousers next time"... If you aren't even telling him where you think he went wrong he's not gonna know for next time!
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          [–]Gialicious [score hidden]  (0 children)
          If the ONLY problem in your relationship is how he dresses, it's important to communicate what you want but also think of all of the other positives you two have.
          If there are more issues (in general Maybe he is lazy, unattentive, not intimate) then you need to consider ending this. If a man loves a woman, he can put on a damn clean shirt and get his act together. If he can't even be bothered to do that it would not surprise me if he is neglectful in other areas of your relationship too.
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          [–]heartdeco [score hidden]  (0 children)
          seems like a manifestation of some kind of anxiety. body issues? class issues (if your bf is working class, there might be some sort of latent resistance here to the idea of 'dressing nice' for subconscious reasons). there might be something at play here even bf isn't aware of.
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          [–]lightwell [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Is he a hobo? Does he have a home. That might be the problem.
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          [–]kifferella [score hidden]  (2 children)
          The culture of shopping can be extraordinarily grating for some men. Having to spend literally HOURS trying stuff on and off again while a condescending clerk acts put upon that you don't know (or care) about the styles or the labels or the cuts... And for all this you get to spend literally hundreds of dollars! Yay, sign me up /s.
          And I'm a girl, lol.
          Especially if you grew up poor, there can also be a psychological aspect that you're "wasting money" or "not fully using your wardrobe" or "being pretentious"... Even that you "don't deserve or need these things so you are being selfish".
          Solution:
          Go to your local second hand store! Get his sizes and measurements and go (without him). They don't stick torn shit. They recycle the stained stuff (usually) and a lot of very rich people, the sort who enjoy the crap from the first paragraph, justify getting lovely new clothes by donating incredible quality clothing.
          Head down with 50$ and a list of his sizes and just get him some damn clothes. If he doesn't like them, throw them right back in the donation box. Take the shopping and the guilt and the ass-pain out of shopping. Our local place supports the local food bank so it really is a win-win-win.
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          [–]135791357 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          He's not some pet project, OP shouldn't have to spend her money and time to make sure he looks presentable.
          He needs to behave like an adult on his own.
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          [–]tdasnowman [score hidden]  (0 children)
          The culture of shopping can be extraordinarily grating for some men. Having to spend literally HOURS trying stuff on and off again while a condescending clerk acts put upon that you don't know (or care) about the styles or the labels or the cuts... And for all this you get to spend literally hundreds of dollars! Yay, sign me up /s. And I'm a girl, lol.
          Most guys don't shop like girls. We can buy everything we need in 20 minutes. Try on one pair of pants, buy 2 in diffrent colors, Shirts same thing. Basic shopping for men isn't nearly as complicated as it is for women. We honestly don't have that many options. Extremely trendy shopping maybe, but that's not the bar being set here. He could have walked into walmart/target gotten a pair of dockers a polo, and some whateve sneaks in 10 minutes. He's just lazy.
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          [–]Dr_Sax [score hidden]  (1 child)
          why should I be the one who has to train an adult man like a dog about what normal dressing expectations are??
          Because you're the one who wants him to meet your expectations. Your mom was right.
          I can't understand why he doesn't want to own clothes better than torn up t shirts, does he not want to look good?
          No, you really don't understand. But that doesn't make you right and him wrong.
          He doesn't care about clothing or formality.
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          [–]SimAlienAntFarm [score hidden]  (0 children)
          He also apparently doesn't care about trenchfoot.
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          [–]Unchartedspace [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Is it worth losing him over?
          That's what happens when you try and change who someone is.
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          [–]Taear [score hidden]  (0 children)
          My ex would always be annoyed at me for not having clothes for formal events. And I'd always feel extremely stupid wearing them, I still do. Having to dress up for something is a nightmare for me and really if I was the OP's boyfriend in this situation I would have just stayed home.
          Then about two years ago my granddad died, the first funeral I'd been to with my family since I was about 10 (I'm 31). Nobody in my family had clothes for it. Most of them were wearing trainers, some of them had borrowed bits and bobs. Nobody was wearing a tie. Is his family like this? For the first formal event my ex wanted me to go to I was kind of surprised I needed these things because it had just never come up before. And then when I'm wearing them I feel out of sorts, out of place. Like if I'd turned up for work in a top hat and tails.
          For the UK I'd call it a social class thing and since you said "undies" I'm assuming you're british or Australian because of it.
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          [–]dca_user [score hidden]  (5 children)
          In a different subreddit, a person suggested buying some new clothes, making him put it on, and then having mind blowing sex.
          This way, in his mind, he equates great sex with great clothes.
          Sounds like he has other issues though, and that big chip on this shoulder (let people judge me) is just going to worsen as he ages.
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          [–]kevbo81 [score hidden]  (2 children)
          ...that's horribly manipulative and really disgusting. Did I miss a /s?
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          [–]dca_user [score hidden]  (1 child)
          What is a /s?
          I haven't tried it myself, but this person's suggestion on another thread was received quite positively within the subreddit.
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          [–]kevbo81 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          /s denotes sarcasm. What sub did you see that in? There are a few that are notable for some really unhealthy advice.
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          [–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (0 children)
          This is crap advice. It's not her job to train him to expect mind-blowing sex as a reward for dressing well - not only is he not a damn dog, but she's also not a reward. Fuck. That's awful.
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          [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
          that's a good training technique!
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          [–]kevbo81 [score hidden]  (5 children)
          Unfortunately it's really not up to you to tell him how to dress.
          Think of it if the tables were turned and some guy were telling you how to dress. Most people would take that and say "Oh, honey, he's being a control freak, ditch his ass." Now, there is a double standard here. Most guys aren't as concerned about fashion. Or when they try to dictate wardrobe it's either wanting their woman to be more sexy for them or less sexy for everyone else. So I do understand that it is more complicated than merely flipping it around. The guy in that scenario potentially has both a control issue and a trust issue. They are both problems that need to be resolved independently.
          All that said, it's not unreasonable if an event has a dress code to be able to make the request. Having a dress code is, in my experience, generally reserved for things like weddings, funerals, or trips to the country club. Not everyday things aside from perhaps your job.
          Bottom line, you can give him some guidelines for formal events but beyond that how he chooses to dress is part of who he is and that's his choice alone.
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          [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (4 children)
          Think of it if the tables were turned and some guy were telling you how to dress.
          He did. See OPs comments: "when I was going to meet his brother he requested I wear a form fitting dress and heels"
          And she did it for him.
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          [–]crystalgerms [score hidden]  (1 child)
          Actually in that comment she said she didn't do that because they were meeting the brother at the beach and it's ridiculous to wear a dress and heels to the beach. Which really just shows you that this dude may be from another planet because his understandings of appropriate dress are way off.
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          [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
          oops, my bad. But yeah, a bit off
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          [–]kevbo81 [score hidden]  (1 child)
          Ever hear that two wrongs don't make a right? You don't fix the problem by turning around and saying, "Well... you did this to me here so I'm going to do the same thing to you there!" That just leads to you hating each other.
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          [–]myredsofa [score hidden]  (0 children)
          It's not a recipe for constructive discussion, no :-(
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          [–]TCSterlz [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Easy solution: Arrange a Fancy Night. Ask his friends if that wanna have a fun, no expectations, casual outing or barhopping event where the only thing semi-formal about it is the dress code. Chances are that someone in the group has a nice outfit that they've had in their closet that they've been dying to try out but haven't had the opportunity to do so and will be completely on board. All it will be is what you usually do (drinking at bars having fun) except you look sharp and take some cute pics. That's how you get men to do anything: peer pressure. He'll join in on the fun. The trick is to get him to dress up for something he'll want to dress up for. Then, he'll see that its not so bad.
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          [–]stink3rbelle [score hidden]  (0 children)
          OP, this may just be a fundamental incompatibility, or he may just be young. My brother-in-law is much like this, but is also very easy-going and will dress up happily when he needs to. But if it's not a formal event, he's not dressing up. My sister is more like you, and cares about dressing appropriately, but I think she also appreciates that he flouts this stuff so readily.
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          [–]Cherpyderp comment score below threshold[score hidden]  (20 children)
          There are certain facets of relationships you can't control and this is one of them. Some people aren't in to fashion and clothes. Some people don't really care about dress codes. In the grand scheme of things I personally find this trivial, however this is something you have to decide if you want to fight over.
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          [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (19 children)
          Yeah I understand all this, the thing that is confusing to me however is that he seriously has half a wardrobe. He just doesn't have a lot of clothes that I feel are necessary to function as an adult in society. E.g. more than one pair of shoes
          Also, he remarks on my clothing ... e.g. when I was going to meet his brother he requested I wear a form fitting dress and heels so I look good (we were going to the beach so I no'd that). It feels really hypocritical that as a woman I have to co-ordinate my clothes, bra, underwear, shoes, jacket and bag, and he's having a tantrum over needing shoes that don't have holes in them!
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          [–]Ritataka [score hidden]  (6 children)
          That is bang out of order from him, asking you to dress in heels and a form fitting dress. Why would he hold you to (ridiculous) standards when he isn't meeting the bare minimum?
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          [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (5 children)
          Yeah that specific thing happened early on, before his clothes got to the stage they are now, but I still felt very miffed. More recently, at his work Xmas party he gave me the once-over and made a comment that I could have dressed differently - because I was wearing ($300) pants instead of a dress, and light makeup instead of evening makup, like his workmate's girlfriends. WHILE HE WAS WEARING HIS TORN SHITTY JEANS
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          [–]firefly232 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          at his work Xmas party he gave me the once-over and made a comment that I could have dressed differently
          WHAT!!!
          Oh hell NO! Seriously!?!?!
          what the actual fuck? LOL no, he doesn't get to ask you to dress up and then complain when you ask him to do the same... Something's really strange here. If he can parse the clothing codes for his workplace party, why can't he do that for other situations when they should apply to him? E.G. wanting to make a good impression on your family??
          My jaw is literally dropping here...
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          [–]kittypuppet [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I'd have called his ass out on that shit.
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          [–]run_cueca [score hidden]  (0 children)
          So, he's allowed to make super arbitrary or inappropriate (bodycon and heels at the beach???) requests, but you can't even ask him that he meets societal expectations?
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          [–]SaysiAlt [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Sounds like it's past time you ditch his ass
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          [–]dragonfliesloveme [score hidden]  (0 children)
          Ok well now he sounds like a sexist asshole.
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          [–]Fruitloopmilkk [score hidden]  (0 children)
          You should include this in your original post. This isn't just something that went over his head, he is creating a double standard and acting like a complete ass.
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          [–]lamamaloca [score hidden]  (2 children)
          Point out his hypocrisy to him.
          I don't care for the way my husband dresses, but I've just let it go. It will never ever be important to him to conform to society. I can live with this, and I don't really feel it's right to try to change him. I've learned not to care what others think of him, he certainly doesn't. But hypocrisy like you're describing would bother me.
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          [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (1 child)
          I will point it out. It bothers me a lot, partly because it shows me that he's not oblivious to the whole thing at all!
          I tried to let it go, but I can't, because I feel that he is a reflection of me. If nothing else, this is a good thing for me to learn about myself.
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          [–]ansinoa [score hidden]  (0 children)
          If something bothers you about your partner you should not hold your tongue for fear of offending them or upsetting them. There are good and bad ways to approach it, but shutting yourself up is a good way to grow resentment and an indicator of a poorly built relationship
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          [–]GemIsAHologram [score hidden]  (0 children)
          This pisses me off so much OP. Someone who criticizes and polices your appearance while not reciprocating whatsoever... Approaching dealbreaker territory.
          HOWEVER - if you do want to make this work, maybe you can use this as a starting place to get through to him. He obviously cares about appearance on some level.
          "Remember when I wore XYZ to X event? You said I looked great and I dressed up like that because I knew my appearance at that event was important to you. I should be able to expect the same from you. I take your opinion into account when we go to X events. If you are not willing to dress accordingly, please explain to me how it's fair that we are held to different standards."
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          [–]gazork_chumble_spuzz [score hidden]  (0 children)
          This makes the whole thing even worse...!
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          [–]Cherpyderp [score hidden]  (5 children)
          I totally understand. i still see this as trivial, but that's me. If you think it's worth fighting for then point out to him how hypocritical it is.
          You could also try encouraging him to dress differently and making a big deal over how nice he looks and what a turn on it is.
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          [–]lindtcandle[S] [score hidden]  (4 children)
          I think before I was trying to convince myself it was trivial and to care less, but recent events have shown me that it matters to me.
          I have tried to encourage him, in winter time you would not believe how much I waxed on about how I love how good men look in coats, he started saying I had a coat fetish. I can't count how many times I've offered to shop with him, have sent him links to clothes I think look good, I've asked his size and said I'll shop FOR him. The thing about making a nice deal about how he looks is that he never gets to the baseline anymore, and praising him over failing what I consider to be a requirement for adulthood feels condescending and untruthful. I also worry that if I praise him for even making it halfway, he'll think 'great solved that one' and stop there. I'm so confused by all of it cos I genuinely can't understand the viewpoint of not wanting to look decent and he won't explain.
          cheers for listening
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          [–]firefly232 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I'm so confused by all of it cos I genuinely can't understand the viewpoint of not wanting to look decent and he won't explain.
          random thought from an internet stranger... Does he think that caring about his appearance is a feminine (i.e. unmanly) thing to do?
          He cares about your appearance and wants to see you dressed up and can judge your appearance relative to other women, but categorically refuses to apply these guideline to himself... he's above all this petty nonsense, people should take him like he is. Or he's lazy+stubborn IDEK.
          My husband is a bit like this on a daily basis but he will dress appropriately if it's absolutely required...
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          [–]Cherpyderp [score hidden]  (1 child)
          Is it his lack of pride in his appearance that you find unattractive? I can totally understand that. If you want a man that takes pride in himself that's totally different than being miffed your boyfriend doesn't care about fashion. I think it's time to have a brutally honest conversation with him about this if it's to the point where you're this annoyed.
          Good luck, OP@
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          [–]BluishInjustice [score hidden]  (0 children)
          It's not fashion, as such, that she's worried about, it's being appropriate. There aren't many adult women who will be happy with a guy who wears ripped jeans and fucky Vans to a formal event.
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          [–]dragonfliesloveme [score hidden]  (0 children)
          I genuinely can't understand the viewpoint of not wanting to look decent and he won't explain
          It's a weird little power trip that goes something like this: he's above the standard, he's 'too cool for school', he's a special snowflake, the rules don't apply to him, he's not beholden to anybody, he gives zero fucks etc., etc., yadda yadda yadda
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          [–]Icanhelp12 [score hidden]  (0 children)
          This is my boyfriend. He's a chef.. he literally lives in chef coats and chef pants (aka essentially sweatpants). The first year I was taking him to a holiday party for work (formal... think gowns and nice suits) and I was in a sheer panic for a month over it. Told him I'd buy him a suit etc. We've struggled with this for 3 years. Last time, I dragged him to the store. I feel you!
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