F.B.I. to Special-Order a Pair of Tiny Handcuffs
By Andy Borowitz
“In reviewing our inventory of handcuffs, we found that we only had models that fit normal-sized hands,” an F.B.I. spokesman said.
Putin Starting to Wonder If His Puppets Are Smart Enough to Pull This Off
By Andy Borowitz
Putin knew that “there were bound to be some growing pains,” a source close to the Russian President said. “But geez.”
DeVos Says Trump’s Forty-Per-Cent Approval Rating Means More Than Half of Country Supports Him
By Andy Borowitz
“To you critics out there who think you’re in the majority, I have some advice for you,” the Secretary of Education said. “Do the math.”
Trump Says He Has Been Treated Very Unfairly by People Who Wrote Constitution
By Andy Borowitz
“When literally everything I want to do is magically a violation of the Constitution, that’s very unfair and bad treatment,” Trump said.
Trump Vows to Get Endorsement for Jeff Sessions from Frederick Douglass
By Andy Borowitz
“I know Frederick Douglass will write a great letter, much better than that bad letter Coretta Scott King wrote,” Trump said.
DeVos Comes in Contact with Book for Very First Time
By Andy Borowitz
After touching the foreign object for approximately one minute, DeVos quickly withdrew her hand and appeared drained by the experience.
DeVos Confirmation Makes Immigrants America’s Only Source of Educated People
By Andy Borowitz
Millions “will graduate from high school each year without mastering any useful skills—in other words, much like DeVos herself,” an education expert said.
Trump Accuses Media of Not Reporting Voices He Hears in Head
By Andy Borowitz
Trump said the refusal to report what the voices tell him makes the media “the most dishonest people on earth.”
World Leaders Receive Crank Calls from Someone Claiming to Be President of United States
By Andy Borowitz
According to the U.N. Secretary-General, the caller has tormented leaders from Mexico, Australia, and many other countries.
Trump Says He Heard Frederick Douglass Was Alive from Betsy DeVos
By Andy Borowitz
Donald Trump revealed on Wednesday that everything he knew about Douglass had come from his Education Secretary nominee, Betsy DeVos.