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OK, maybe not a room at the State Department...
Oh yeah, and there’s also that thing about how he’s Putin’s buddy.

GODDAMMIT. We were all excited because it appears Donald Trump has nominated an actual grown adult to be his national security adviser, and we’ve been pinning our hopes on the idea that at least three whole people in the Trump administration are grown-ups. Not Betsy DeVos. Not Ben Carson, once he’s confirmed. James Mattis at the Defense Department is one, sorta kinda. And we thought that even though Secretary of Exxon State Rex Tillerson subsists entirely on a diet of Russian oil, he also sorta kinda might be a grown-up. So this thing in Reuters is making us all disappointed and sad:

One of Rex Tillerson’s first directives as U.S. secretary of state was an order to senior staff that his briefing materials not exceed two pages.

Bloody hell, can somebody ship one million copies of Hooked On Phonics to Washington?

We had been encouraged by how Tillerson was on the other side of the issues from former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, a member of the vaguely sane group that MIGHT MAYBE keep Trump from starting a nuclear war with whatever country most recently made fun of his mini-hands. For instance, Vox published these words last week:

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson appears to have a similar agenda to Mattis’s. He was endorsed by foreign policy stalwarts like former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, people who deeply support maintaining the foreign policy status quo. In his confirmation hearings, Tillerson expressed opposition to some of the more radical Trump ideas (like moving the US embassy to Jerusalem and tearing up the Iran deal).

But now we learn he has an important thing in common with Trump, and it is that READING STUFF IS HARD AND BAD.

But wait, Reuters says maybe it is because he is “efficient” and a “CEO,” and that is why he’s not allowed to read more than two pages at a time about Trump’s master foreign policy plans to put emoluments in his own fanny while making sure Vladimir Putin gets a happy ending. At least that’s what we figure State Department briefings are about under the Trump regime.

But maybe it is OK, because Reuters says “senior State Department officials” think Tillerson is “sociable and a man of substance”! But maybe it is not OK, because Donald Trump is a lazy do-nothing who can’t be bothered to staff his government, fires people for the tiniest slights, and specifically, Foggy Bottom ain’t got no staff, because Trump has fired all of them. Back to Reuters:

Just two State Department positions of 116 key posts requiring executive branch nomination have been filled, according to the nonpartisan Partnership for Public Service – Tillerson’s and that of U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.

For example, Tillerson still has no deputy after Trump rejected his top choice, Elliott Abrams.

“People want to back him,” one veteran senior official said about the former Exxon Mobil boss. “But people are feeling that this building is being stripped,” said the official, referring to a sense that with so many top positions vacant, the State Department is not fully equipped to help make policy in the new administration.

TWO! OUT OF ONE-HUNDRED-SIXTEEN! DRAIN THE SWAMP!

But on the other hand, maybe it’s OK and Tillerson has all kinds of access to rein Trump in. Reportedly, he had a hand in getting Donald Trump to acknowledge America’s longstanding position on the “One China” policy! What a relief! On the other other hand, maybe that’s just smoke mirrors and Trump changed course on that because China did emoluments to him.

Oh, and Reuters says that when Trump decided he didn’t care all that much about a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine, Tillerson wasn’t consulted, and he found out from the news the same way Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu did. To be clear, Tillerson was having dinner with Netanyahu at the time.

Everything is fine, we’re all gonna die.

Wonkette is entirely reader-supported, and it’s 100% constitutional to give us emoluments, by which we mean money.

[Reuters]

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  • Nounverb911

    And also the first thing on the page is to be Exxon’s stock price,,,,

  • Nounverb911
    • Ricky Gay

      LOL

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Karma is a bitch she-bear

  • Oneofthebobs

    And it all has to be printed in his favorite color.

    • Nounverb911

      Oil?

      • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

        blood.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Ricky Gay

      helloooo… republican!

    • schmannity

      Number of times playing golf while black: zero.

    • jowgajen

      It’s stupid. Golf is fine for Trump, it’s clearly his only exercise and reflection time, he’s not spending hours on the treadmill, ok?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Exercise? Reflect? BWAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

        • GoutMachine

          Fat-ass sloths like Drumpf playing golf is all the proof you need that golf isn’t exercise.

      • kindness

        How much exercise does one get pushing down accelerator and brake pedals on the golf cart he is obviously using as a pasty ass 70 yo white dudebro hasn’t walked in a few decades.

      • Shalimar

        Asshole should have thought of that when he was criticizing others for playing golf. I’m fine with him doing everything possible to distract himself from presidenting. That doesn’t make him less of a hypocrite just because I approve.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      All in all, I think I’d rather he just stay on the golf course for the next 4 years.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        I’d be OK with that.

    • clubseal

      Hypocrisy’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.
      Or something. Probably just has too many syllables for him.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Muddyheaded
      Asshole
      Golfing
      Again.

      • puredog

        Unnecessary edit. “Millionaire” already good shade.

    • cmd resistor

      I could see this guy holding up a cardboard sign at the freeway ramp, Will Golf for Taco Bowls. And I would scream, Get A JOB.

  • chascates

    The Twitter administration. 140 idiots or less.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    But wait, Reuters says maybe it is because he is “efficient” and a “CEO”

    You mean like our first MBA president was?

    Fuck it, I’m off to shiver under the covers…

    • SmokinGood

      It’s strange. The more I read about these CEO creatures, the more I suspect they may not really deserve to get paid 300 times as much as me. Shit, I read at least 20 pages of Wonkette comments work stuff at work today, and didn’t even have one martini at lunch.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I wonder if they mention those because they’re the only things about him that aren’t bad in and of themselves.

    • GoutMachine

      I work at a large, multinational corporation and every time I hear someone who wants to “run government like a business” I immediately know they’ve never worked in either. And I want to punch them in the face with votes.

      • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

        I need a few extra upvotes for this one.

      • calliecallie

        You know who else wanted to run government like a business?
        I ask because that’s what MI governor Rick Snyder campaigned on. Now he’s CEO of the Flint Water Crisis, among other less news-grabbing cost-based changes that led to failure.

        • Historicat

          But think of the cost savings!

    • Crystalclear12

      Don’t forget the vodka.

  • goonemeritus

    Sample format
    1.)Isis bad we don’t like them.
    2.) Germany has changed since the 1930’s
    3.)China is pretty large.
    —-Lunch break—

    • GoutMachine

      Whew! That was tough. Why don’t we all just take the rest of the day off to let all that marinate.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        “Anyone up for a round of golf?”

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You forgot

      4.) Profit!

  • georgiaburning

    Is the staff supposed to use emojis for good news/bad news so he knows how to react to each item? I do so love MBA’s.

    • dslindc

      🤔🐿👋💃

      • MynameisBlarney

        I have no idea what that means, lol.

        • dslindc

          Think about squirrels and wave at the dancer, obviously!

          • MynameisBlarney

            hehehe

        • Nockular cavity

          I don’t know, but I just started clapping along and singing, “I like to be in Amer-ee-ca…”

    • Lizzietish81
      • House0fTheBlueLights

        You toss around words like synergy, but this is going to be chaos.

      • Nockular cavity

        Perfect. Every business meeting, ever.

  • Mavenmaven

    Let’s be fair, how many pages does it take to say “Bannon wants you to do X”?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The amazing thing is that there are ANY competent Trump appointees at all. The vast majority are worthless hacks.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Saner people don’t want the “Trump stink” on them. I’m hoping he manages to tank Nikki Haley’s career, everyone else was already a has been (Pence, Christie, Giuliani, etc…).

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    …his closest aides at the State Department refer to him as “the CEO” rather than “the Secretary.”

    They figure he won’t last long at DOS either? Well, they would know…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Okay, a sign that Tillerson isn’t going to do anything reasonable — his pick for deputy was hatchet-faced polecat and Iran-Contra figure Elliot Abrams. Ugh.

    Also — maybe State doesn’t need to be staffed anymore. Ever since Reagan, State’s been gradually diminishing in favor of the military picking up the slack, and it’s not like Assmouth has seen any need for diplomacy before, what with him threatening a beat-down to anyone who doesn’t think he’s wonderful. Just guessing Tillerson’s department could go extinct.

    • yyyaz

      So, we will have lots of company while we all burn to death. Skol!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “He is asking people to be efficient with their information,” Hammond said, adding that if Tillerson needed more information he would ask for it. “He is a decision-maker and he needs the facts in front of him.”

    Say, you know who else wanted people to be efficient with their information?

    • dslindc

      Me, in every meeting I’ve ever been invited to?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This “efficiency with their information” presumes that someone has the background knowledge to put together the pieces of the puzzle.

      This is a shitty assumption.

      • Thiazin Red

        So true.

    • GoutMachine

      I could see wanting to ban PowerPoint presentations (Steve Jobs apparently yelled at people who came armed with them, saying anyone who uses one “doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about”), but I’d hard-pressed to fit everything a SecState needs to know on two pages.

      • Thiazin Red

        Well Jobs also thought he could cure cancer with juice, so he was capable of thinking dumb stuff.

        Why would anyone think a powerpoint presentation meant that people didn’t know things? That makes literally no sense. You can know what you’re talking about and want to show charts, images and have a convenient way to organize your thoughts.

        • GoutMachine

          I can’t remember specifics (it’s in the Isaacson biography), but I think it was more geared toward those who use it as a crutch, and read off slides. Which is the worst. (And, let’s face it, Jobs’ big press events were basically PPT presentations, but more like visual aids.)

          • arglebargle

            I especially hate it when they print out a copy of the stupid slides for every attendee.

          • Historicat

            I recommend Why Most PowerPoint Presentations Suck and How You Can Make Them Better by Rick Altman. If you have to give presentations with PowerPoint, his ideas will at least keep you from committing Death by PowerPoint.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Every Starfleet Captain who ever got told “Sir, you’d better get down here?”

    • chicken thief

      Ernest Hemingway?

    • clubseal

      Whoever invented Google?

    • Historicat

      “I don’t need all this information, just give me facts!”

      We’re doomed.

  • Nounverb911

    And how are you planing on embarrassing the US on your visit to Mexico tomorrow, Mr Secretary?

    https://twitter.com/BraddJaffy/status/834032098444992512

    • yyyaz

      … to annex Pemex to pay for the wall.

    • PubOption

      What’s this about meeting with the President of Mexico? I thought I was meeting with the President of Petromex.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Are they there to smooth things over or to double-down? I need to know which way to bet.

    • Ryan Denniston

      At least taco trucks and taco bowls aren’t on the list.

      • GoutMachine

        Well, to be fair, to get the best ones you have to go to Trump Tower, not Mexico.

  • GoutMachine

    You know, I didn’t think anyone stupider than Shrub could possibly be elected president, but dogdammit if Drumpf doesn’t just keep exceeding expectations. Not only is he a raving moron, his underlings are also too.

    • Jennaratrix

      I said something like this the other day; remember when the dumbest thing the president said was “misunderestimated?” Good times.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      After Bush had finished destroying the economy I thought to myself “well, at least now we won’t have to worry about Republicans getting elected to any office any time in the next thirty years.” Meanwhile, they’re controlling all three branches of the federal government, and most of the states. Blergh…

      • GoutMachine

        Never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate.

        • Jennaratrix

          Never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate ability of the GOP to gerrymander and otherwise cheat their way into power.

          FTFY.

          • Oblios_Cap

            Actually, a lot of both.

      • to be honest, that really was the Dem’s fault. They did NOT make paying taxes patriotic- and it should absolutely be the most patriotic of all duties next to serving bodily. They ignored the union busting and they abandoned the 50 state strategy.

        • OneYieldRegular

          “I like to pay taxes. With them I buy civilization.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Using your calculation, what does that say about the next repub prez?

      • GoutMachine

        I, for one, welcome our amoeba overlords.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Another “lead, not read” person. And of course, all the folks who can read are being quietly shuffled out of the way.

    • onedollarjuana

      If you don’t read stuff, you can plausibly deny when the shit hits the fan.

      • o’look Skwerl!

        except emails.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I always knew this literacy stuff was overrated!

    • efoveks

      You know who else said “read”? That guy in the cave, to Mohammed. (Yes, THAT Mohammed.) Ergo, reading is a Muslim thing and to be avoided at all costs…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If you can’t read, you can’t lead.

      Take it from someone who knows.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Tillerson is not John Kerry, it is unfair to compare the two

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo91pxPOa61qakh43o1_500.gif

  • PubOption

    This is why there are executive summaries at the beginning of some reports. The executives don’t have the inclination to read the whole thing.

  • ImPEECH!

    Perhaps if the briefings were diluted to tweet-speak? Would two pages max’ hold all that’s fit to digest? Does da baby bird need i’s mama to chew an’ regurgitate for da li’l boodly-boo?.. Man, I don’t think administrative leaders’ “handlers” means what it used to.

  • Crystalclear12

    This administration is exhausting! Fortunately we’ll all be dead before we hit our limit.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “One of Rex Tillerson’s first directives as U.S. secretary of state was
    an order to senior staff that his briefing materials not exceed two
    pages”

    So, what, he got promoted all the way to CEO of Exxon because no one wanted him to be their employee? It’s amazing how much failing ever upward is on display and STILL NO MENTION of iCarly!

  • Brian

    let’s replace Rex Tillerson with Ned Ryerson

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOwhG_y0HQg

  • schmannity

    You can’t limit yourself to two pages!

    –Mark Foley.

  • Sardonicuss

    DAY 25: Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word
    http://www.theonion.com/live/president-donald-trump-first-100-days-55086/entry/131

  • House0fTheBlueLights
    • Sardonicuss

      “Stop that fighting..this is the war room!”

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Maybe we should try briefing coloring books.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    I get it. He’s a busy man who doesn’t have time to read longwinded briefings.

    Where have I heard that before? Oh, right: Busy corporate executives don’t have time to read long memos.

    Sorry, Rex, but you’re no longer working for a for-profit company in which business memoranda are mostly fluff anyway. These briefings can mean the difference between life or death, and even the minutest details are important, so fucking MAKE TIME TO READ EVERY LAST WORD OF THE BRIEFINGS YOU ARE GIVEN, HOWEVER LONG THEY MAY BE!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      These “briefings” are as brief as they can be when dealing with incredibly complex human interactions concerning cultures with which you have little familiarity, which is why it’s so intimidating.

      • Moebym of the Returners

        Intimidating or not, it’s his job now. He’d better put up or shut up.

    • puredog

      “ISIS determined to strike in. . .” jeebus, will this memo never be over with?

  • arglebargle

    If you want me to give you all the Amero’s in my vast portfolio maybe repeatedly telling me I’m gonna die might not be the best strategy. If I’m gonna die I’m spending it all on hookers and blow. Or chocolates for the Mrs.

    • Jen says: If you buy the Mrs. Chocolate you will not need hookers for the blows

      • puredog

        Different blow for different fo’.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Mrs. Toomush? Priceless…..

  • msanthropesmr

    How does one become a CEO anyway? Seems like meritocracy is a ruse and a synonym for cronyism.

    • jowgajen

      First win the sperm lottery — be born a white male in at least an upper middle class family.

      Second, you will need either connections or money to get into the selective business schools that CEOs generally come from.

      Third, be able and willing to join the fraternities and other groups that the rich and connected are in with you. Don’t spend too much time on studies, they don’t matter nearly as much as being likable to the hoi polloi.

      Fourth, focus entirely on work above all other things. But don’t be too exceptional, the tall poppy you know.

      FIfth, ruthlessness is a way of life.

    • Alan

      You have to be pushy and obnoxious. The typical MBA teaches no skills.

    • georgiaburning

      Be a graduate of a business school that’s in favor within your company. Do the presentations for projects and ventures that are successful, find a way to be conspicuously uninvolved with those that are not. Rinse, repeat.

      If you’re female, you’ll need to do all of the above and wait until the boys have hopelessly screwed things up and need a new face to fool the shareholders while they work on their severence packages.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        What? Have you no parents?…

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Blowjobs

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I could get behind this 2 page thang.

    Apply it all Trump’s speeches, especially the state of the union.

    And the Obamacare replacement bill and the final final final Benghazi and emailgeddon reports.

    Military strategy on ISIS? 2 pages. TPP replacement? 2 pages. This could simplify things a lot.

    • cmd resistor

      Wingnut brother said ACA was too long and could be reduced to 3 pages.

  • Nounverb911

    BTW
    Has Rexxon’s wife forgiven him for the pay cut yet?

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • Warned_and_Persistent

    1st impression of Tillerson is a loyal St. Bernard with a Texas accent named Rex and a nose for sniffing out oil wells.

  • msanthropesmr

    So, it’s not like foreign policy is complex or anything. Just take folks out for drinks, right? Unless they’re Muslim.

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      Then you just take folks out. Simple!

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        Ba-da-BOOOOM!!

  • Bitter Scribe

    I have a hard time believing that while he was running Exxon, he made decisions based on briefing materials of no more than two pages.

    • Crank Tango

      Well, the more you make, the less you do.

    • msanthropesmr

      I don’t. I know these fucks. They don’t actually do anything. Shareholder value my ass.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        They’re parasites.

        • DahBoner

          Back-slapping frat boys

  • President in Exile Firefly

    So… What do you think the Trump Presidential Library will contain?

    • Nounverb911

      “My Pet Goat”?

    • GoutMachine

      Probably just one TV with a live Twitter feed.

      • Thiazin Red

        That almost sounds like it could be an art installation. A gold plated room big enough for one person with a twitter screen.

        • GoutMachine

          Make it gold-framed mirrors so you can also admire yourself and you’ve got yerself a preznidentical libarry!

          • Thiazin Red

            I’m picturing something like the cubicles in the Black Mirror episode 15 million merits, but with more gold.

      • chicken thief

        They will also too need InfoWars, Brietbart, and Fox News to provide stimulus for El Presidente to respond to.

    • Warned_and_Persistent

      lottsa gold drapes and flags?

    • chicken thief

      Melonoma on loop blessing the building with her version of The Lord’s Prayer?

    • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

      An archive of soggy sheets?

    • Thiazin Red

      Honest answer, just a gift shop filled with his shitty books and merch.

    • Jennaratrix

      An eight-foot portrait of him and a bag of Cheetos?

    • Sardonicuss

      Probably a lot of ashes and fallout debris…like all the other libraries.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      He’ll probably be in the slam for violations of the Espionage Act, so it may not be a big concern.

    • DahBoner

      A cat, a bust of Putin and the real Hitler’s telephone.

      • Sister the Resister

        and some MAGA hats, certainly!

        • georgiaburning

          For sale in the gift shop, which will take up 75% of the floor space.

      • Gosala

        And then the cat will leave

    • Mary Sandoras

      A picture of himself and many mirrors?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Gold-colored everything

    • KnaveOfSwords

      A bust of Putin, copies of his books, the classiest nude picks of Ivanka, and an oversized gold statue of himself. Bannon will probably find a way to sneak some printed Breitbart articles in there as well.

    • New and Improved Say Wha

      Nothing over 140 characters.

  • Nounverb911
  • Crank Tango

    How many times these assholes squawk on the intertubes to “do your research,” when they can’t get past one powerpoint slide.
    #irony

    • DahBoner

      We don’t know about the intricate, excruciating details of how temperatures are measured!!!1!1!

  • Thiazin Red

    And I’m sure if a benghazi happens because hes too busy to bother reading about anything, the republicans in congress will hold just as many hearings.

    • Khavrinen

      …to prove it was Hillary’s fault, again.

  • beingreleased

    I hope when they get around to appointing some people, they find that the lesser employees are squatting in their offices.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    JFC. Dean Acheson is rolling over in his grave. So fast, it could be a source of energy.

    “President” DT just really, really likes these sorts. Dog help us if we get into a crisis that is not totally avoidable/of their own making.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, they will do it. Hillary and John and all those former State officials will be rolling their eyes with such energy that it could power the electric grid of Asia.

    • georgiaburning

      Meanwhile, the Dulles brothers are shaking their heads and imagining what shit they could have pulled with Trump instead of Ike

  • Oblios_Cap

    Trump’s really shifting that paradigm; etc. , etc.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I got a paradigm he can shift right here.

  • Sardonicuss

    Our entire foreign policy is now going to be based solely on how quickly Russia can get oil flowing back down to the container ships…and nothing else.
    It will be a tough job, but they sure picked the right man for it.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Who thought geopolitics would be so involved? If it can’t be explained with finger puppets, forget it.

    • Crank Tango

      Well, it can be explained with marionettes.
      http://i.imgur.com/dC68fsi.gif

    • ariel_gee_398

      More complex than running an oil & gas company, certainly. The government takes all the guess work out of that with those helpful subsidies.

  • puredog

    “Everything is fine, we’re all gonna die.”
    See? That EASILY fits on two pages.

  • DahBoner

    his briefing materials not exceed two pages
    https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder137/500x/37166137.jpg

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I don’t know. Alex Jones and the other conspiracy loons seem able to take in vast amounts of trivia to produce an insane amount of insanity. Is the Russian Puppet administration less capable than the conspiracy loons? Scary answer either way.

    • chicken thief

      I was talking to someone about that shit just yesterday. We decided that the thirteen people that got through TSA had something to do with the deaths of the Russian ambassador and David Cassidy. We just haven’t connected all the dots yet.

      • GoutMachine

        Easy. David Cassidy is an ISIL plant who uses Obama’s time machine to become popular, then uses his false-flag diagnosis to gain sympathy, thereby … dammit, I lost it.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          …while Milo Yapalotatus distracts the marks with Pizza pedophilia so Hitlery can call out the death squads and put them in Obama’s time machine to…to…dammit, there it goes.

  • GodEmperorCaptainHowdy

    I was told there would be no cognition.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Hooked on Phonics my ass. What these
    guys need are about a million Etch- a Sketches.

    • GoutMachine

      Actually, we should give a million monkeys a million Etch-a-Sketches. We’d get better policy that way.

      • snigsy

        Doubt it would take a million.

      • Doug Langley

        We are definitely living in the blurst of times.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Replace the knobs on the Etch-a-Sketches with plastic boobs. That’ll keep Donnie’s interest.

    • Asterix

      Damn, you have a really high estimation of their abilities.

      Crayons.

  • chicken thief

    I hope Mexico’s customs authorities hold Tillerson and Kelly for about 6 hours, questioning them over and over, measuring the size of their calves, and scrutinizing every detail of their passports/papers.

  • “Sir, here is the CIA report on ISIS, their affiliates, allied groups, arms dealers, and what we believe is their plan for asymmetrical warfare on the United States and her interests and allies throughout the world. “
    “Them thar’s a lot of big words. Speak English.”
    “ISIS and her allies are planning multiple attacks at soft targets in Africa, Europe, and are attempting to recruit individuals to do the same in the United States via a propaganda campaign in social media.”
    “Simplify.”
    “Uh… ISIS is planning on-“
    “More!”
    “ISIS make boom booms, go pew pew pew at us.”
    “Okay, we should take care of that then.”
    “What did you have in mind?”
    “Let’s pew pew pew them first.”
    “Brilliant, Sir. That’s why… you’re… the… boss… Oh, God… why?”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      My head hasn’t even reached the desk, and it’s throbbing with pain.

    • OneYieldRegular

      “Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.”

      “What’s a three syllable word doing in this brief, dammit?!”

  • Hemp Dogbane

    We are left wishing Elliot Abrams could be 2nd at State, another voice of reason. Let that sink in.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Dear Dog. Terrifyingly, you might be right.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Not possible….

    • cmd resistor

      I know, I heard him on TV after he was rejected and just because he wasn’t foaming at the mouth he seemed reasonable in comparison to…..AOT,K.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    The best way to fix the Trump admin is to take his phone away and give him a chamber with porn DVDS, the entire run of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Fox News and a putter with a hole to sink the ball in. Then you lock the door and don’t let him out for four years. That’s a start…

    • ariel_gee_398

      You forgot the tanning booth.

      • OrG

        That’s spray-on.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Careful — you don’t want Howard Hughes floating back from the beyond to haunt you for this comparison!!1!

  • azeyote

    there’s a number of departments that won’t be able to function anymore – that’s the plan

    • Thereby proving once and for all that Big Government Doesn’t Work.

      • Thaumaturgist

        The Turtle already done proved Gubmint don’t work.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Elliot Abrams was Tillerson’s first choice???!!!!! One of the absolute scuzziest vipers to crawl out from under Reagan’s contra rock???!!!! A man who made lying synonymous with the word Abrams???!!!! WTF????!!!! This is not even funny…

    • cmd resistor

      Apparently Trump was all for it when they talked but then discovered Abrams had written a negative op-ed about him during the primaries.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Plus, Roy Cohn was dead.

        • cmd resistor

          Being dead might be a positive attribute compared to some of his choices.

          • NellCote71

            Rick Perry libel!

          • magyar of infinite power

            Might?

        • Royal Ugly Dude

          Better check. Make sure he’s still dead.

        • idiotboy

          And he lived WAY too long. Pos, rest in hell.

      • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

        For some reason I find this funny.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          The idea that Elliot Abrams is alive is proof that God is dead…

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • Sister the Resister

      I made it through 39 seconds of that…er…snarling mess.

      Also too, I don’t remember “validator” being a WH position in the past. But the idea of Jones snarling continuously at Trump for hours on end does sort of bring a twinkle to my eye.

      • cmd resistor

        So he will be the guy who validates parking tickets?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Can you just imagine them discussing 9/11 or the Rothschild/Bilderberg connection?

        “Bilderberg? Oh I have hotels too!” Jones drops the ball in 3,2,1..

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      Why are these people always angry? What is wrong with them?

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        Weird, isn’t it? It’s like Santa promised them a pony every Christmas, but all they got were My Little Pony toys. And they’ve been taking out their outrage on the world ever since.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        According to South park their micro penises and I think that’s the area to look for the answer.

        • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

          And how do you explain the women?

  • Sandy Beaches

    “One of Rex Tillerson’s first directives as U.S. secretary of state was an order to senior staff that his briefing materials not exceed two pages.”

    What’s next? “Is this going to be on the test?”

    • Is the test cumulative??

      • Asterix

        Will it be curved?

        Do I get extra credit for spelling Kazakhstan correctly?

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          “I don’t follow the Kim Kazakhstan show anymore.”

    • The Librarian

      Only if it’s open book.

    • CrazyDogLady

      As a career public servant, I can understand a desire to try to get officials to write succinctly. They can can provide a lot of wafflegab and never quite explain they real question or issues of policy at stake. All sorts of reasons for bad writing, but I would have thought insisting everything goes through a bloody good editor rather than an arbitrary page limit is a better way to manage this issue. But if the US is anything like NZ trying to get extra human resource is a nightmare

  • Poly_Ester

    Still, this is a step-up considering that our Dear Leader doesn’t want to be briefed at all since he already knows everything.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    It may be that it’s because he’s a CEO but that’s exactly why those skills don’t really translate naturally to government service.

  • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

    I’m beginning to wonder if “CEO” actually means: “Cannot, English, Operate”

    • Paperless Tiger

      Cheese Eating Oddball.

      • puredog

        Cheesy Epidermed Oddball.

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          So… smegma?

    • Doug Langley

      True story: once worked at a graphics place. I was working a 3D animation CGI app when the boss comes up behind me and says “Hey, that looks like fun.”

      Do NOT ask me how the rest of the day went.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      Actually it stands for Cannot Empathize with Others.

  • dshwa

    I can’t think of a single issue in foreign policy that I could sum up in only two pages.

    • Asterix

      I can.

      Two words.

      We’re Fucked.

    • Doug Langley

      Oh, I don’t know. Dubya got a lot of mileage out of “Invade Iraq”.

    • magyar of infinite power

      “Isreal good, Muslins bad”

  • dshwa

    I hope he didn’t demand double spaced as well.

  • ViveLaPersistence

    This is so typical of executive know-nothing “deciders.” Where I work, executives routinely complain about the length and complexity of decision-support analyses, and whine that we need to reduce it to a few bullet points. Our work consists of finance deals in the range of $25 million to half a billion, for clients with complex organizational structures in ever-changing industries. A few bullet points.Now watch this drive.

  • Me not sure

    “From now on, I would like all of my briefings to be in the form of rebus puzzles. I really like those things.”

  • Lefty Frizzell

    How about just the first two pages of the full report?

  • chicken thief

    A little OT, but anyone know why Tillerson and Bibi were lunching? Is The Donald looking to open a hotel in Tel Aviv or is the sale of Ivanka’s clothing line tanking in Israel?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Discussing a pipeline under Jordan so Israel can steal Iraq’s oil?

    • Shoto

      Um…Yes?

    • I think they were gossiping about bannon.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Cliff Notes for Dummies!

    • Charon_69

      ‘Off the Cliff’ Notes?

  • Shoto

    “Words is real hard.”

    — Drumpf Administration

    • Bongstar420

      I love how their executive orders contain grammatical errors.

      Such excellence!

  • Jgb979

    “One of Rex Tillerson’s first directives as U.S. secretary of state was an order to senior staff that his briefing materials not exceed two pages.”

    How bout two words:
    Treason bad?

  • OneYieldRegular

    To be fair, a lot of his staffers just kept giggling and handing him copies of War and Peace.

  • God, are you kidding me? Elliott Abrams? How is that guy not burning in hell right now for the crimes of Iran Contra (and God knows what else)? And do the Republicans REALLY have a diplomatic bench so short they gotta go back to a retread from 30 years ago?

    We’re doomed.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Trump rejected him not because he’s a fucking war criminal, but because he wrote an article that was less-than-flattering about Trump. According to Foreign Policy, Bannon engineered his rejection, which was his way of reminding Tillerson who the real president is.

      http://foreignpolicy.com/2017/02/21/the-worst-and-the-dimmest/

      We are fucking doomed.

      • Bongstar420

        Maybe for 4-8 years…more likely 4

    • D G Matt

      You have to admit, he has the kind of cover-up experience this administration needs right now.

  • Anna Rompage

    Perhaps the one benefit of having so many agencies understaffed right now, is that there’s nobody around to actually implement the crazy policies that are coming out of the White House, or Congress for that matter…

    • Charon_69

      …and think of the money they’re saving on salaries!

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Leaves more money to protect Melon in her golden tower…

        • Bongstar420

          Golden towers are cool

          Its those Ivory towers we need to fear

      • Bongstar420

        More for actual CEO’s to pay to them selves for tanking their companies.

    • Lefty Wright

      Great. Unless a crisis develops somewhere in the world.

  • magyar of infinite power

    Would it be ok if the briefings were that short but all contained the phrase “Person X is currently taking Y action and will meet with you at Z time to discuss the matter in detail”? If he had a senior staff, that is…

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Do we think Putin reads 2 page summaries?

    • lowenufc

      He does before anyone in this administration gets them.

    • magyar of infinite power

      He writes them

  • Rick Hill

    “Just keep it to countries we give a shit about. The rest hardly matter unless we are invading them for resources.”

  • LeeAnn Carlson

    Yes, condoleezza rice and Robert gates recommended Tillerson for the job but they also have a conflict of interest of their own: Exxon is their client.

    • Bongstar420

      I bet the drain the swamp crew would hate a ban on government officers having private industry ties that could be influenced by their post.

  • george gonzalez

    I always kept memos to the top guys to one page, giving them three options. The first option was the messy one. The second one was my choice. The last one would break the budget. They always chose the middle one. The top guys are better at golfing than at reading.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    How is this reality?

  • Persistent Demme

    Meh, the two-page thing just sounds like CEO speak.
    Remember, this is the era of the “elevator pitch.”
    Don’t worry about that.

    Now, the lack of minions is something different.
    That IS something to worry about!

    • Michael Loraine

      I would be happier, or at least I would spend slightly less of my day in abject despair, if our national leaders knew how to read. Read words. In sentences and paragraphs, with actual meaning. Something beyond Twitter and emojis.

      But I guess only aging hippies and socialist college professors think that education is a worthwhile enterprise these days. That’s okay, Betsy DeVos will eradicate the scourges of reading and writing from this nation.We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control.

      DeVos will make it compulsory to view and memorize the teachings of President Bannon. Those who fail the curriculum will be sent to re-education centers to learn agricultural techniques (like castrating hogs and picking lettuce) in order to replace the immigrant workforce when they are all deported next week.

      You know, “bigly” is not an English word. Just thought I’d mention that.

    • Bongstar420

      What if there is more than two pages of important information to convey?

      It seems like its supposed to limit what gets to the desk in the first place.

      Yes on the CEO speak. Not sure what makes CEO’s so great besides them voting for themselves the same way their pay checks have been getting handled as of the last couple decades…

  • Darrell Imaginarian

    I liked this one. “Secretary of State Rex Tillerson appears to have a similar agenda to Mattis’s. He was endorsed by foreign policy stalwarts like former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, people who deeply support maintaining the foreign policy status quo.” No mention that both Rice and Gates left government work and then went straight into a cushy multimillion dollar consulting gigs at… you guessed it…. Exxon/Mobil.

  • D G Matt

    About 80 meters beneath the Kara Sea in the Arctic a big cork is plugged into an ExxonMobil well that hides crude reserves equal to all of Saudi, and that’s just one well. The big cork is thanks to Ukraine sanctions. Tillerson’s mission is to unplug that puppy, plain and simple, and all other State Dept missions are irrelevant.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Mark my words…this entire administration is after ONE thing…the oil. Too many oil big wigs or those with connections to big oil if you ask me.

      • Bongstar420

        Well, there is not a whole lot left. Gotta get the rest while there is still grabbing to be done

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    I would bet these positions are being left unfilled for 2 reasons: #1 – this allows the GOP to blame Dems for “not doing their job” (even though they can’t do their job if Trump won’t put anyone before them for confirming). #2 – maybe they’re leaving them empty because that’s how President Bannon wants it? Less people to make policies, leaving that all up to him.

    • Bongstar420

      The republicons have been trying to weaken gubmint..this does it for sure

      putin will be quite pleased

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        If you haven’t seen the most recent Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, I highly suggest it. He put Putin & Trump side by side talking. Putin wants Trump to make America look “equal” to Russia. He’s puppeting right along…

        • Bongstar420

          Why couldn’t putin rig the election (this is psychological warfare stuff, not actual rigging) to favor non-interventionist liberals then?

          Not saying I want that- that would be bad juju for us

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