The Rough Guide to Single Moms

[FapMaster]

This was posted by Chef before he went off-grid on GYOW. This is more for the lurkers and noobs, it's epic.
If it's a repost I apologize, but it bears repeating.
A tip of the hat to Chef, wherever he is.

The Rough Guide to Single Moms!

Author: Zen King

I thought I would set down a "rough guide" for men thinking about starting a relationship with a single mom and what some of the ramifications are of dating and entering into a deeper relationship with a single mom could be. Of course this guide does not apply to all women or all men but it will list the main problems I have observed through over the years.

Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.

Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a "partner" to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.

One of the first strategies is to engage men who do not have children of their own. This allows the woman to portray the semblance of having and raising a kid is easy and there will always be a balance between their relationship with their partner and their child. Sometimes they will portray themselves as helpless victims, victimized by an evil and absent father they need saving and you can save them. Another popular scheme is to make themselves look accomplished and together by extending their debt to ridiculous levels to portray they are all right and don't really need a partner. There are quite a few more, but like I said, this is a rough guide.

One of the strategies is to involve the child with the prospective "partner" almost right away and foster a relationship between the man and her child. This allows a lot of leverage on several levels as time goes by. It allows for huge amount of guilt and shame if the man wants to break off the relationship, allows a bonding to take place that is hard to shuck off and other factors... You will hear phrases such as any man who loves me must love my children! etc... All designed to appeal to a man's sense of chivalry and protection. This hopefully facilitates a sense of belonging together and in the end marriage.

Most single men are unaware of what is going on when they start to date a single mom. It seems that the child is around, but it is pleasant, there is a clear distinction between adult and child time etc, it seems actually for most men, not a bad time at all. This allows the single mom to get the man closer and farther into the relationship.
What is really going on is a shit-load of help from the single mom's friends and other helpers. Tons of babysitting services, tips on dating, comparing notes and plans etc. No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.



One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated hat single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc they seem to be ideal mates.

What is actually going on is well planned and orchestrated strategies to get a man into a relationship. I don’t know how many men have loudly complained that after marriage they were suddenly now doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and repairing around the house with zero time like they had before. I don’t know how many have said it was like night and day after they moved in. The kind compassionate woman the men met had some how now been replaced by a truly different woman, it was like another personality type than the one they married. In short a single mom knows she has to work harder to get a man and she will work harder, but for many the act cannot last that long and the real woman reveals herself. Usually his occurs just after marriage.

A lot of men though go for it and involve themselves in marriage with a single mom and do not really know some of the problems they will encounter. Here is a short list of several common problems that begin to creep up:


1. Being a "partner" means you get to pay for half- if not more. I have noticed after marriage a single mom works at dizzying speed to make sure her mans name is on all of the bills. She also will usually demand money also for a huge amount of her child's expenses. It is also expressed as a part of "loving her and showing it". I have seen men putting money away for college for a kid that's not his. Buying ridiculous amounts of brand name clothes, expensive homes etc all in an effort to be in a so-called "family".


2. The Family you just got into is by invitation only. In most traditional marriages that produce children, the man, woman and child or children make up he basic family unit. In being a step- parent you are not the basic unit. The mother and child together are the basic unit. You are invited in and can be un-invited whenever mom feels it to be so. No matter what is said or mentioned before marriage, you will never come before her child. You will always be in a family and relationship where you come second, maybe third.


3. No matter what you think her ex is going to be there forever. In just about every case the child’s father does not seem to be in the picture during the dating and courtship stage but seems to suddenly show up after. The reality is he was always there, your partner just never mentioned it. The father will most naturally want to have a relationship with his child and he is going to be quite involved most of the time. Just about every time you will be dragged into the endless bickering and fights they have and you will not be liked by him "its only natural remember" also be sure to take into account the grandparents, uncles and aunts and all the family functions you will be attending with him, his child, his ex (your partner) and his side of the family. Get used to being uncomfortable.




4. Her kid will most likely not like you very much. Let's face it you're sleeping with their mom and most of the time the child will see you as a roadblock to his parents getting back together. Most likely the mom has made you the giver of discipline in the relationship, being the man and all which results in the kid hating you. Or after watching the child run amok for weeks after you arrive you change junior's schedule to include some discipline and then you also hated even more. An amazing amount of men involved with single mothers report how the child hates them, but he can keep buying gifts to try to win their affection. Some call it the ATM effect of diminishing returns.


5. All that time you had together with your new love will end after marriage. The number one job of a single mom is simply to be a mom. She is not a party girl, hiker, camper, biker, clubber etc. Just be prepared for a frontal assault on your time and money after marriage. You will find your weekdays taken up with homework, PTA meetings, suppers at home, and early bed times. Weekends will be the time for the child’s extra-curricular activities and other activities. If a single man is wondering what happens ask any father of children how their time is spent, it will not be on hobbies. You will hear endlessly the phrase "we are a family now and this is what a family does" of course your idea on family will differ, but it is her family and she will make the choices.


6. You will wonder what happened to all your money. Most men involved with a single mom report that their money seems to dry up. Children are expensive- expensive like most men have no idea. Between school supplies, clothing, vast amounts of food, babysitters if you ever want to go out, medications, fees, sports, supplies, toys and such; well, there will be little left.
As a footnote there is also another ploy by some single moms that men also forget about. The child’s father is paying for a lot of these things. Quite a few men have reported that their wife or girlfriend was getting them to pay for such things as sport fees, equipment, university funds, school supplies and such but at the same time getting the child’s father to pay for these things also. Double billing, also called fraud, is quite common but it does allow the single mom to have almost zero expenses for her child as two men are now paying for junior.
Another ploy that is quite horrific was a man whose wife owned a home and he moved in with her and her child. Although he fixed it up, paid half the mortgage and expenses- she had willed the home to her children. When confronted she said since she would be dead she did not care if he had a home or not, her child came first. So be careful with matters of money. Very careful.


7. You will never really be accepted. I have observed time and time again the heartbreak of a step parent as the child gets older. After putting them through school, providing a place to live, food, getting the child all kinds of gifts and honestly really caring about the child and such I keep hearing this one story over and over. The time comes for a grad or a wedding, the step parent thinks he might be lauded for his sacrifices but instead is shunted to a back seat or not invited as the child invites mom and dad to the party; and thanks them for all their love and work. Usually there is not even an acknowledgment of effort.




8. You will now be part of the single moms’´ network. Be prepared to help out all her buddies as they helped her out. Endless weekends and nights of babysitting the other single moms kids so that they too may date and get a man. You will also discover why 75% of all people in jail come from single mother households. Try not to have any expensive items around.




9. Now that the single mom is now married she will need to impress her single mom friends with her new found happiness. Her happiness will usually include a new home in a good neighborhood, new clothing, new items for the home, new car etc; there is an unwritten law it seems among a lot of single moms that they compete ruthlessly with their friends. If she does get married she needs to show them her new found prestige. Be prepared for huge new expenses.


10. You will have no time for errors. A lot of single men get involved with the single mom and her kids when the child is a bit older. Being inexperienced with children becomes a huge burden as the single man has no time to learn parenting skills; and mistakes are not readily forgiven nor forgotten when a kid is 4 compared to 14.


11. You may think it ends, but it never does. I know many men whose single mom wife promised them a completely different life after junior turned 18 or so. At the beginning of the relationship it looked like just a few years and then total privacy and freedom. Then years later they found out that junior is going to go to university for 6 years after taking a gap year off and not worry about a job as he will live at home. After that the story usually is that the child gets married and has kids and needs a ton of babysitting services. The dream of trips abroad, moving to a nicer place etc. evaporates for most men. They just wind up being early grandparents. The other option that happens a lot is the girls have children early and stay at home. Not only is the man taking care of his wife's child he also has to care for her grandchild now!


12. You will have nothing to show for it. In the end when most men have their own children the work and effort is well worth it. The men did their best and raised a family, continued a line, get grandchildren etc. As a step-parent you have contributed as much but you have nothing. Nobody carries on your name and most men realize they are not even ever thanked for their sacrifice.


13. The legalities can kill you. There have been numerous cases where a man has divorced or left a single mom and then found himself liable financially for her child. Although not the father he will be responsible for child payments, extra fees and most certainly university far after they are 18 check the laws out, it's a raw deal. Couple that with some alimony and you get the whole effect of being a divorced and homeless dad with not one child of your own.
In the end women have asked for their freedom to make their own choices now for decades. I would advise all single men to let single moms make their choice of having a child by themselves and then live with it. Don’t involve yourself with these women under any circumstances. It can be in many ways, the death of a man.


Well it’s a rough guide and you were warned.

[sonsofchemistry]

I can personally vouch that every one of these things is spot-on accurate.

Lurkers, don't freaking do it, you will regret it!!!!!

[MisterPho]

I can personally vouch that every one of these things is spot-on accurate.

Lurkers, don't freaking do it, you will regret it!!!!!

Seconded.

There are few things in this world that can ruin a man like a single mother can.

Just say no.

[fester]

I remember that post.

Reading it again made my blood run cold.

Hey Chef, hope you are well.

[TDG]

Single mothers are at best, pump and dump material.

QED.

[ubermensch]

[WakingUp]

I can personally vouch that every one of these things is spot-on accurate.

Lurkers, don't freaking do it, you will regret it!!!!!

Seconded.

There are few things in this world that can ruin a man like a single mother can.

Just say no.

Yup. Having a stepfather, I can say I have witnessed every single thing in the OP.

I hope for his sake he leaves my mom when my half brother eventually becomes an adult.

Only 10 years left...

No doubt I benefited from his shacking up with my mother. But I don't feel bad about barely talking to him as an adult. When I ran away from home, dropped out of school, and went through a number of other things best left to a separate post, he had nothing to say or guidance to give me.

Most of all, he defends his beta and politically correct ways.

I don't wish him harm but won't be helping him at all as he ages.

[Cap285]

It does need repeating. Always and often.

Long live Chef! Wherever he is.

[MPAV8R]

Respect to Chef, whose writings are not for an age, but for all time.

Single mothers should remain as such.

[Survivorman]

Fap - Good call on resurrecting Chef's old post.
The importance of this knowledge cannot be overstated - it can be literally life-saving!

Waaaayy back in the late 1980's, I dated a single mom for about a year. For the first six months - it was fantastic!
..but as she gradually figured out that I had NO intention of EVER marrying her, she gradually stopped the "nice" act, and the sex tapered off. We split up at the 1 year mark.

In retrospect, I was following the "pump and dump" script, before that term even existed.
In my early 30's at the time, and I'm quite pleased with my (younger) self that I knew better than to raise another man's child.

Bullet. Dodged.

[Clickie]

I am coming at this from the other angle...I have NEVER dated a single Mum. Why?
I was bought up by and around them - there is a term called Man deserts, and that is what I was bought up in.
So while I cannot add to the guide I can add my 2 cents...

First off, to me a single Mum is one that has young children, meaning the realationship with the Dad (assuming there is only one) didnt last long after the birth of the child / children.
Women who had relationships that lasted until the child / children are over 10 is not something I know about.

So, first question is WHY would you want to date one?
It gives the impression that you are desperate. Who does it give that impression to?
Her AND the kid ANd the DAd. Yes sir, all of them.
'Can't this man find a woman of his own?' No clearly not.
Also, the 'ex' is prob still screwing her now and again (for old times sake). That is until he starts getting new gf of his own - this is when it turns really sour. I'm telling you that from experience.

But I have seen it work! If you are an ugly but wealthy man, and she is a real beauty then there is a balance.

Good luck

[Cygnus-X1]

Oh man, this reminds me so much of my last serious relationship. I can literally highlight so much of that text that I experienced. Great info! Thanks for posting.

[Madcoo]

There was good reason why women like this used to be shunned.

[Clickie]

There was good reason why women like this used to be shunned.

Now they are applauded and lavished with benefits

[Alistair]

There is an argument that widows should not be classified as single mothers as they cannot be blamed for their status. Unfortunately my experience with one was almost as bad as later experiences with common-or-garden single mothers.

It certainly cured me of the last vestiges of white knight-ism I once had.

[JohnnyComeLately]

Unfortunately, there's not much choice. In NW England, I'd say that single women over the age of about 28 or so fall into three distinct groups :

Single Mothers
Fatties
Fat Single Mothers (the most numerous)

We can talk about all the legal and political factors that lie behind the spread of MGTOW, but ultimately the main driver is the almost complete lack of remotely appealing women once you get past the mid-twenties.

Chasing the younger girls is all very well, but you are up against an enormous amount of competition : virtually ALL men want those and a balding 45 year old is likely to struggle (even discounting the enthusiasm for accusing older men of being 'creepy' and 'predators'; the more attractive men are far less likely to have to worry about that anyway).

[awakenedexsheep]

The following, is a message to successful single men who wish to maintain their comfortable standard of living:

Single men, are you blind? Are you fucking stupid!!??

No woman has a baby without wanting to. Period!!!

She took the most serious decision of her life and blew it. fucked it up - didnt have the minerals upstairs to do it right

There is no reason for you to date or, god forbid, marry a single mother, and therefore accept the soul sucking consequences of her bad decision.

She has already made it clear that she is mentally incapable of taking responsibility for her bad choices, and to top it off!!
She will create a fantasy world glittering with a million fucked up rationalizations that will make her sound like fucking Joan of Arc.

She will NEVER be wrong, you, however will NEVER be right.

The children will be exalted to the heavens, and any issue regarding her children will be blamed on society, or a culture that does not understand what she has to go through. Additionally, when you get down to it, between, her/her brood and you, you don’t even show up on the radar. . . YOU AIN'T SHIT.

Your only value to her is your utility, and your wallet.

Trust me!!! She is not worth it!!

She will not give you 0.001% of gratitude for your effort, and by the time you realize you have been conned, it’s too late. The truth is . . . she is always going to view you as a chump, a sap, or a sucker and you know what!!!

SHE IS RIGHT!!! Most single mothers are losers. I'll say it again....most single mothers are losers.

I wouldn't even get involved with them even for sex, as you could get conned. They fucked their life up, why fuck up yours because she humped the wrong guy? To hell with her and her brood and live your own life, have your own kids and don't shoot yourself in the foot by falling for a loser woman.

I have never been married, but I have seen men (GREAT MEN) taken down by gold digging whores.

I learned from the mistakes made by other men

I kept my money, and I am living GREAT!!!

Obviously a man needs a woman to achieve great things did not apply to me. DAMN!!!

Another feminist myth blown to hell.

[Alistair]

She took the most serious decision of her life and blew it. fucked it up

Absolutely correct!

She has already made it clear that she is mentally incapable of taking responsibility for her bad choices ... She will NEVER be wrong

Correct again and probably the root cause of their problems. These people are often failures in *all* walks of life as they refuse to consider the possibility that they might be wrong.

The children will be exalted to the heavens

... even though they will be average at best. This sets up the next generation for failure.

between, her/her brood and you, you don’t even show up on the radar. . . Your only value to her is your utility, and your wallet

You have two other uses: 1. As a social ornament and 2. Some single mothers are smart enough to know that children with fathers, even step-fathers, do better than those without, so she will try to keep you around for that reason.

I wouldn't even get involved with them even for sex

They are stretched anyway and useless in bed. Who wants to go banging off the side walls?

Obviously a man needs a woman to achieve great things did not apply to me

Nor me.

Sounds like your experiences have been similar to mine. Never again!

[Older and Wiser]

Been there.

Lived that.

It is ALL true!!

Don't forget the additional issues of "LIFETIME" Alimony (LUCKY You!!)

Also ... if she is the AGGRESSIVE Type ...she will try to get some sort of CRIMINAL charges lodged against you so as to PERMENATELY hurt you (made up SERIOUS charges), or if they are of the less serious type ("only" a lower level FELONY) to get negotiating power over you for the Divorce.


Older and Wiser

(ps: NEVER date, let alone marry, a super competitive type of woman ... ie: serious High School or College sports competitive is a good indication!! Those super competitive types will NOT lose at the relationship game. They will do WHATEVER it takes to W-I-N ... since they are super competitive!!)

[Primus_Pilus]

Thought for the day: Does it apply if she is a widow?

[Demosthenes]

Thought for the day: Does it apply if she is a widow?

It is still not worth the risk. She can choose to be 'like that' any time she wants where the relationship is concerned.

Additionally, why would a man want to marry anyone with kids? He'll always be the outsider. If and when she divorces him, she'll try to make him pay child support for kids that are not his.

He is never going to be her first priority, or even her 5th. There is her, her kids, her family, her friends, her car, her pets, etc. That's at least the seventh rung down without trying to be thorough.

Step families are special alright. The PC term is Blended Families. Either way, they are special places of hell for the majority of those who try to make them work. That woman is not worth the expense, let alone the children, who will only disrespect and abuse anyone stupid enough to pay for them. Choosing to be a step parent is just asking to be walked all over.

[TDG]

Thought for the day: Does it apply if she is a widow?

And run the risk of being with an alpha widow...?

Eh, I'd rather not bother...

[hasmat]

Maybe...

She's a widow because she killed him.

[Alistair]

Thought for the day: Does it apply if she is a widow?

Good question.

There is, of course, the argument that widows with children are not single mothers. Unless they murdered their husbands they did not choose their circumstances.

I actually went out with one. She might as well have been a single mother for the way she behaved, but that was her.

why would a man want to marry anyone with kids? He'll always be the outsider.

Correct

He is never going to be her first priority

Correct

the children, who will only disrespect and abuse anyone stupid enough to pay for them. Choosing to be a step parent is just asking to be walked all over

Correct again

[Pointerman]

Thought for the day: Does it apply if she is a widow?

Course it does. A widow is simply a twat that was slow on hitting the nuclear option.