Study: More Older Adults Prefer ‘Living Apart Together’
COLUMBIA, Mo. — Perhaps love and marriage don’t go together like a horse and carriage after all. A new study finds that older Americans looking for love are latching onto a new trend that tempers the demands of a committed relationship, a phenomenon known as “Living Apart Together,” or “LAT.”
Spurred by a divorce rate that has doubled among this demographic since 1990, many older singles— often divorced or widowed— have taken on “an intimate relationship without a shared residence.” New research was conducted upon the increasingly popular relationship arrangement among those 50 years of age or older.
According to Jacquelyn Benson, a researcher at the University of Missouri who is entrenched in the topic, LAT has long been an established phenomenon in Europe, but it is just now reaching the United States en masse.
“What has long been understood about late-in-life relationships is largely based on long-term marriage,” Benson explains in a release. With marriage rates amongst older Americans declining, she argues that “if more people— young and old, married or not— saw LAT as an option, it might save them from a lot of future heartache.”
For their study, Benson and another researcher interviewed adults who were at least 60 years of age and in committed relationships, yet didn’t live together. From their interactions with this demographic, the two researchers found that there were a number of motivating factors for a LAT-type relationship.
A major theme seemed to be independence— older couples wanted their family and finances to remain separate from their partner. A stigma revolving around living together and not being wed at an older age also played a factor; many expressed that describing their partner as a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” would feel awkward.
Benson, who is continuing her research, points out how she hopes to help discover and resolve issues pertaining to LAT arrangements and late life imperatives, such as end-of-life planning and caregiving.
Sounds like Gywneth Paltrow / Chris Martin type of stuff.
It may be the trend, but I suggest it’s not a good one. As a man who married a woman in the past 11 years when we were 66 and 56, respectfully, the benefits of total commitment are extremely positive. I cannot imagine attempting to carry on a committed relationship while living apart. Just the element of companionship cannot be at a level of satisfaction when it is severely limited by distant homes. All that we do for each other on a daily basis would mostly be missed if I lived away from her. From taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning, making the bed to just watching TV together on a daily and routine basis would be difficult to accomplish apart. If you are a couple who does not want each other to be helpful on a routine basis, I can understand such a decision. But you are going to miss an almost infinite number of helpful things we do for each other. Some are small and almost unnoticed. Others are big and life-saving (she insists on feeding me healthy foods which I would never eat on my own.) I would not trade my marriage for the independence of living separately. Plus, I enjoy her company, even if I’m downstairs and she is upstairs. I can always go upstairs, which I think I will do right now. Bye!
Lol i love your last sentence that was funny
Awesome comment!! Thank You!!
Please, if you do not marry, see that you execute powers of medical and financial attorney for your loved ones. As long as they are still capable, it is a simple legal filing. If you are not married, and something unexpected occurs, you may find yourself unable to carry out your partner’s wishes, or your own, while dealing with the crisis.
My friends and I all want to be married on the national guard plan. 1 weekend a month. Two weeks in the summer.
It’s. all. about. the. money. honey.
exactly! It’s the money that has always complicated love…
Bingo!
Sounds to me like someone who never had a real job or could not get hired if they tried just latched on to some grant (TAX) money to get a paycheck. First, this implies that they each maintain their own homes: only the well-to-do can afford such arrangements today….a dwindling group, except for the 1% who have always lived this way. Second, the study actually implies that they refuse to make a commitment because of past experiences or greed: sorry, that implies it is for sex and not for love. This study is so bogus even fake MSM probably won’t touch it!
Totally agree Jack. Now, there will be a “need” for further study. AKA more grant money. If this researcher could somehow figure out a way to include the impact on global warming by two people living apart, then she could really cash in.
ThumbsUp
Are you one if those anti science climate truthers?
Why not just state as a fact that this was somehow funded by Obama??
Your issue with maintaining one’s own home later in life as an arrangement only for the 1% is an interesting one. Where are the older single people living if not in their own homes? Are you suggesting older people choose to live together to cut costs? I am in this age bracket, but not this situation. After 40 wonderful years (and many more, I hope) with one man, I would not complicate/jeopardize all I have by moving in with or marrying another. You call this greed. I don’t. Several women I know are widowed. They are each in relationships with men they care about, but none of them wish for anything more permanent. They cared for ill husbands. Not a road they wish to go down again. Too many men out there are afraid of old age and are looking for caregivers and the families of these men are all too willing to let the new wife do it. Noticed MMICHAELH in an earlier comment. His new wife is 10 years younger than he is. The women I know maintain separate homes and they are happy. PS. They are not 1%er’s. Get the chip off your shoulder.
Ultimately, all couples are looking for true intimacy that touches their soul at a deep level. God’s Design for this is found in lifelong marriage with couples experiencing emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. This type of intimacy is enjoyed by very few people and requires a commitment to be fully known, fully loved and fully committed to. We explain this in our book, Pursuit of Passion (Murphy & Sibert). It’s life transforming!
I’ve been in a LAT relationship for several years. Its a mixed bag, folks. If you like working on hobbies/projects, its great in that you can do your own thing till midnight if you want, without feeling guilty, ie, depriving the other party of your attention. Time spent together feels more “fresh” and there are no arguments over money, her kids, your kids and all that.
Still, if that perfect person and situation could be found, I would prefer living together for what its worth.
How is living together any different with regards to time alone for hobbies? If you are committed, you allow the other person to have guilt free time to persue their other needs. Living apart for that reason is just as greedy… and, it takes even more time away from the relationship. I have my hobbies and she has hers… And, sometimes I accomplish something or discover something and want to share it. Is she really interested, No but I am not interested in her needlepoint either but we celebrate each other’s. accomplishments. If it had to wait until we got back together, it would be long forgotten. Life is made up of moments, not a daily report of what each has accomplished.
There are no perfect people.
Fake news! They don’t say enough how this research was actually conducted: How many people were studied, how were participants selected and what was the sample frame (all adults between age x and age y), what was the geographic spread (national sample? rural vs. metro vs. suburb?), who funded this study, what were the in-going hypotheses, etc. Just the usual junk study you see on the internet.
Isn’t this called friendship?
It’s called “Friends with benefits”.
So, they’re in a serious dating relationship instead of shacking up…
Nothing new here.
What a pathetic way to spend your last years, commuting for a booty call.
I wonder if there is a growing trend depicting how I live ? My spouse stopped all intimacy over a year ago . It’s been sporadic for a decade . We’ve been married 26 years and I don’t understand it all . My spouse just says , “not interested”. Apparently there is no divorce in the offing . I am so lonely and sad . But I married for better or worse . I’m certainly getting the “worse” now . Having just retired and with far too much time on my hands , I find this very painful . I still love my spouse and looking at my golden years as the deserts of my life . Is this LAT ? If so, it sucks . Can’t recommend it.
I was widowed 3 years ago after 30 years of marriage. Was not interested in taking care of another man/child but when my first love from 45 years sgo reached out to me 7 months ago, we reconnected and after a while, I started staying with him almost full time. After realizing he was just another man/child who wanted to be taken care of, I packed my bags snd headed home (which is 500 miles away). Glad I gsve it a shot because now I know the only person I want to be with is me (and my dog and grandkids).
This long time psychotherapist is not surprised. Marriage, as I was once told by a priest, is hard work. After a large part of a lifetime working in a marriage, when free of it (through divorce or death) many people just don’t want to do that again. So living apart offers the fun and games without the hard work.
And how would the celibate priest Know? From a book!
After 25 years of marriage, my wife has become like a sister. She has little interest in me, I her. There is love but not in the traditional husband/wife sense. A divorce is unlikely, economically I would lose greatly. What’s that old song…”it’s cheaper to keep her”? Looking back, I do not recommend marriage for any American male.
Friends with benefits for old people. It’s all fun and games till life gets hard. That’s when commitment, perseverance and sacrifice matter.
How can a person experience the real meaning of “love” living apart from that other person that bring “life” to its meaning?
At my age – mid 80’s – I have been married to my life-partner 40 years (our 2nd marriage for both) Intimacy as well as companionship have always being present and part of the “package” that we were willing to accept when we met. Yes, the package may bring some insignificant “Down” moments but our life together have many times more “Up” worth the risk of continuing for a long happy life.
We have a 14 yr difference in age and we have never have discover any inconvenience in carrying on with our relationship.
What’s ‘funny’ here is that I think many people (including myself) end up in relationships like this, unplanned…
It’s not like you go out and say – ‘hey, this is what I want’. Somehow, things just fall into place that way.
That said however…
Take it from me, the concept is based upon Selfishness. Yes, I said it… For many, that is a hard reality to face up to, as no one wishes to be known by friends or family as being ‘selfish’.
We have been ‘taught’ in this modern society – say, since probably the Sexual Revolution of the late 60’s/early 70’s, to ‘do what comes naturally’ or ‘you gotta follow your instincts’, or ‘you need to try on many pairs of shoes before purchasing’, etc., ad-nauseam. All in the pursuit of —– Self…
And don’t think for a moment that selfishness doesn’t extend into old age… Not every middle-aged or senior is a Norman Rockwell portrait of Grampa and his wife of 60 years in some idyllic setting with grandkids running around at their feet…
The sun shining through the clouds after the storm however, I see in our youth. The youth born out of this period of divorce and break-ups for wholly selfish reasons. They have seen first-hand what lack of true commitment brings and want no part of it. A ‘divorce’ of sorts, from the era of ‘self’ to a new day of commitment. And it’s a beautiful thing to see —
Oh! Good! Know the Educated Intellectual will STUDY this, until the next Fad, and help no one.
Men are for Sex
Women are for Relationship
God is for Marriage, and Faith
Wow, think of the tax $$$$$$$$$$$ we can save
Do not date someone who is religiously believes in a “god,” if you are an athiest.
Also, do not live with your mate.
Married 36 years, he has a large “man cave” full of his music equipment, he sleeps there, we both have sleep disorders, we choose and cherish the times we spend together!
LAT. It may mean that two people have spent a lifetime putting down roots at separate locations, be it because of family, work, or property.
When young it is expected to take chances and still have a place to fall back to if things do not work out. When older, the last thing I want to do is be an unnecessary burden to my children.
When young it is expected to take chances with work and start at the bottom and work your way up the ladder. When older it is hard to jump off that ladder and survive.
When young it is expected to start a new home and the debts that come along with it. When older, hopefully the home is established, and the debt is minimized.
So in many cases it maybe the distance between the trees and not necessarily the fertility of the ground each one stands on.
Or
The more responsibilities you have, the more complicated it is to be transplanted.
It would have its ups and downs. I’ve been single by choice for over a decade and I can’t imagine sharing anything with anyone, but then again I haven’t fallen in love either and my marriage was a nightmare. I know people who live together who aren’t intimate, date others, and still consider themselves in a relationship. I don’t understand that either.