kundalini is about healing and unlocking your power(full potential) right? and doing in life what will truly make u happy and satisfy your soul?

so I'm a pretty fucked up individual, I have borderline personality disorder and i'm mostly recovered from that(by recovered i mean i'm very very self aware)

um.....ok so on meditating on what i truly want, what is coming up is that I want a love relationship, specifically a love relationship with a psychopath. like i want to(& think I have the capability of) being in a long term relationship with one, learning about him but also helping him be more manipulative & destructive than he's capable of on his own. like something about this idea is just fascinating to me, i dated one in the past and learned how to protect my self, and there is a new one in my present that i feel like very soon i'm going to be in a love relationship with.

i'm an empath & don't have very much destructive tendencies on my own, but i am very manipulative & have had to be in order to protect my self from family members & being able to go thru this kundalini process. but I feel like with him my dark side will be brought out & him wanting me in his life is the only thing i can think of that lights my soul up.

i don't want to teach or help others or have a lot of friends or any of that, I want to be his gf. i'm not sure if I want advice or why i'm posting this but maybe i'll get over my fascination with psychopaths and move on to be more "normal", or to help others idk. all I know is right now there is nothing else that seems more interesting or worth pursuing